Fostering Through Every Season: Shelby Graham’s Journey of Compassion and Commitment

Matt Darrah (00:00.888)

Hello and welcome to All Things Foster, a place for coffee, connection, and community. Thanks for joining us today and thank you to our episode sponsor, Falcon Ridge IT, your trusted partner for tech solutions that actually make your life easier. Whether you're a small business, nonprofit, or just tired of tech headaches, Falcon Ridge IT offers personalized IT support, cybersecurity, cloud services, and more.

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Big thanks to Falcon Ridge IT for supporting the work we do and helping us care for foster families across the Panhandle. And actually, Ashley with Falcon Ridge was here yesterday, got me set up with a desk phone. I've been just working off my cell phone and stuff like that. They're actually foster and adoptive families themselves. And so great folks, if you need some IT support, they will definitely help you out. And so we've got Shelby Graham on.

podcast with us today. Thanks for coming on, Shelby. Absolutely. I'm excited to have you kind of share. You've got a really kind of unique background. And so I want to dig into that. And so thank you so much for coming on. The title of today's episode is Fostering Through Every Season, Shelby Graham's Journey of Compassion and Commitment. And so, Shelby, tell us just a 10,000-foot view about you.

Shelby Graham (01:25.828)

Thanks for having me.

Matt Darrah (01:52.034)

So you're teaching now,

Shelby Graham (01:54.052)

Yes, I teach kindergarten right now. This is my third year. Before that, I was an investigator at CPS for about a year. I did some local work in our county government before that. And then I also was a case manager at A World for Children. My degree is in social work. And so that's kind of my base knowledge. It kind of led me elsewhere.

Matt Darrah (01:56.622)

Okay, all right.

Matt Darrah (02:13.506)

Right. Okay.

Matt Darrah (02:18.862)

Yeah, yeah. So that which I mean in A World For Children is a is an amazing agency. If you don't know guys, there are there are different agencies that license foster homes, monitor the homes, make sure everything's doing okay. And A World For Children is one of those. And I just absolutely love all the folks that are that are there at that at that agency. So, so what you got your degree in social work. So what

What kind of brought you, what drew you to that way back when when you were going to school?

Shelby Graham (02:55.479)

Honestly, whenever I was a young girl, I think around the age of 12, I...

I truly felt like God had called me to the mission field of some sort and I knew in my heart that it had to do with adoption or something similar. I just didn't know that that had an actual job title. And so it wasn't until I graduated high school and kind of went to junior college I figured out what social work was. And I was like, yeah, that's totally up my alley. That's exactly what I want to do.

Matt Darrah (03:05.678)

I don't know.

Matt Darrah (03:25.112)

So did you have any personal experience, like somebody in school or something that was adopted? did God just kind of put it on your heart?

Shelby Graham (03:31.449)

No. Yeah, I had never known anybody who was adopted. I don't have anybody in my family who's adopted. I didn't know anybody who had been in foster care who had fostered. It truly was. I would tell people all the time, like, I'm going to adopt a kid from every country. I'm going to have a bunch of adopted kids.

Matt Darrah (03:41.016)

But, okay.

Matt Darrah (03:48.785)

Yeah, right. Yeah. That's awesome. That is so cool. you also, though, you got licensed as a foster home too, right?

Shelby Graham (04:02.123)

I did, yes. When I was working at A World for Children, I started and I told myself, okay, I'm going to give myself a year to get adjusted into my job and then I'm going to get myself licensed. And so that's what I did at the year mark. I think I started the licensing process. I was single at the time and so I got licensed pretty quickly.

Matt Darrah (04:12.536)

Right.

Matt Darrah (04:24.494)

Were you able to be licensed for children?

Shelby Graham (04:30.361)

I wasn't, no not at the time. I had to get licensed through Upbring and I had a great experience there. But then after we got, after I left A World for Children, I got re-licensed over at a World for Children. Yeah.

Matt Darrah (04:44.462)

I see. Okay. So let's talk about that first placement. You've been on the other side, working in the office, supporting these families, and then you go and get licensed, and then you get your first kiddo. And you're single at this point, right?

Shelby Graham (05:01.431)

Yeah. I lived in a one-bedroom apartment. Yeah.

Matt Darrah (05:05.418)

Okay, wow. And did you get, what was it, a boy, a girl?

Shelby Graham (05:11.145)

I got a little boy who when they had called me about him, they had told me he was seven months old and he had a sibling, a sister who they were going to have to place somewhere else because I was only open for one at the time. He got there and he was actually nine months old, found out a couple days later. But it was really as often as I had done placements for my foster families, it was interesting to be on that other

Matt Darrah (05:16.856)

Mm-hmm.

Matt Darrah (05:22.242)

Mm. Right,

Matt Darrah (05:39.38)

Mm-hmm. Yeah.

Shelby Graham (05:41.079)

side because I couldn't believe that somebody came in at midnight, dropped this baby off, had a couple signed paperwork and then just left me with this kid.

Matt Darrah (05:49.102)

Yeah, and then you've got this kid like, my God, I don't know what I'm doing.

Shelby Graham (05:53.326)

Yeah, yes, yeah. So it wound up being a really cool experience because then I just felt like God had placed it on my heart for me to take his sister as well. And so my apartment complex was great and they worked with me to get me into a two bedroom apartment. And so then she came and lived with us and I had them for just a few months. So, yeah.

Matt Darrah (06:04.566)

Okay.

Matt Darrah (06:09.326)

Mm-hmm.

Matt Darrah (06:13.782)

Okay, all right. And so, how did that, I mean, being on both sides, right? Being the person that places and then the person receiving the placement, what's that, I mean, kind of talk us through that dynamic. you know, it's got to be, having only been on the receiving end, I mean, I can't, it's just crazy to me to be on both sides.

Shelby Graham (06:41.913)

It was really, I think it allowed me to have more like compassion and more patience and not that I didn't have that in the first place, but it definitely just gave me a different outlook whenever I would go and do placements and knowing, okay, there's all these hoops that foster parents have to jump through in order to get childcare or get babysitters or, you know, just.

Matt Darrah (06:50.936)

Yeah.

Matt Darrah (06:56.579)

Yeah.

Shelby Graham (07:09.057)

in your own home, like locking your medications up. There's all these hoops that they have jumped through. And if they are willing to do that, that shows their dedication to these kids, for most part. And so I think it just gave me even more of an appreciation for the families that I was working with.

Matt Darrah (07:17.528)

Yeah. Yeah.

Matt Darrah (07:25.71)

Right, absolutely. Yeah, for sure. Yeah, I do, I have had the experience where you've got a caseworker and they really don't get it, so to speak.

Shelby Graham (07:37.889)

gosh, I've heard so many times they say, I don't know how you do it, I could never do it. And I'm like, okay, that's not what you should say, but okay.

Matt Darrah (07:42.638)

Alright.

I'm getting so tired. Yeah, right. Yeah, absolutely. So you said you had them for a couple of months, right? Or a few months, the first kiddos. And then you took more, you ended up with more kids than that, right?

Shelby Graham (07:55.415)

Yes. Yes.

Shelby Graham (08:03.297)

I did, yes. So they were my first two and in the span of like a year, had five placements total. And so,

Matt Darrah (08:10.477)

Wow.

Shelby Graham (08:12.503)

The youngest I had was four days old. The oldest I had was 12 years old. And so it was kind of just all in that range. At one point we thought we were going to, was going to get those first two placements I had. I thought I was going to get them back because their relative placement was not working out. And so at that time, if I had gotten them back, I'd had four at one time. And I was, I was, I was up for the challenge, but I knew also that I was a little bit crazy for.

Matt Darrah (08:25.07)

Right.

Matt Darrah (08:37.826)

Bingo. Yeah.

Shelby Graham (08:42.427)

putting myself out for it but it wound up working out okay.

Matt Darrah (08:42.83)

Yeah, when you're in it and you just see these babies and they just need someone safe, they just need someone to love them for however long it is, right? mean, it's just, they just need somewhere safe to be until they can get to where they're gonna be forever. So you're now married. So what was that conversation like with?

Shelby Graham (08:57.74)

Absolutely.

Shelby Graham (09:05.539)

Yes.

Matt Darrah (09:12.066)

Your husband's name is Maverick, right? Yeah, so what's this conversation with Maverick? mean, did you, you had the kids while you were dating him and stuff? mean, was that just, was that always in the picture?

Shelby Graham (09:13.613)

Yes.

Shelby Graham (09:25.027)

So I didn't have any kids whenever we met and started dating. I had just had my last little one leave and I was like...

decided I was going to take a break and really take some time to take care of myself for a little bit. And I, you know, had every intention of going back probably within the next few months, but then I met him and he thinks it's hilarious to tell people that on, was like our second date. I just flat out said like, listen, I'm a foster parent and I plan on continuing to foster. So if you're not interested in that, then we can just go our separate ways. Now it's not a big deal. And he was like, no, that's fine. Yeah. He was like, no, that's fine.

Matt Darrah (09:58.83)

Right, yeah, let's not get too deep in.

Shelby Graham (10:04.151)

do that and he didn't he didn't like kids he had never been around kids he was he had not even ever considered fostering or thought about any of that so but he was he was dedicated

Matt Darrah (10:13.102)

Right.

Yeah.

Matt Darrah (10:20.693)

That's cool. you see, the seed was planted at the very beginning. if you want to be a part of my life, this is part of our life. Yeah. That's cool. That's cool. And so you get married and you continue to foster.

Shelby Graham (10:28.385)

Yeah. Yeah.

Shelby Graham (10:40.685)

Yes, so we got married in February right before COVID hit and we got a call from my aunt and she thought that there was a possibility that we might have to take my cousin's children from a different state. And so we decided, you know what, just in case we're gonna go ahead and just get licensed together. And so that's what we did. We got licensed pretty quickly and we wound up not having to take my cousin's kids.

But then we were like, well, we're licensed. Like we might as well. So then we got a little girl who was almost two and we had her for 10 months.

Matt Darrah (11:13.602)

May as well. Yeah.

Matt Darrah (11:20.558)

Yeah. And so what was that? mean, was there like unique challenges, you know, as opposed to, was it easier as opposed to like doing it yourself and now you've got him there to help and stuff like that?

Shelby Graham (11:37.22)

Yeah, I can remember having a very blunt conversation with God right after my last little one had left before I met Maverick and I had said, man, this is so hard. I don't know that I can do this by myself again. And so then I met Maverick and then it was different because I felt like he was still, he had never been around kids and not parented before, whereas I had.

Matt Darrah (11:49.774)

Yeah.

Shelby Graham (12:01.601)

lots of experience with it compared to him. And so he just dove right in and he gave his very best and it turned out to be the coolest thing to watch him figure out how to love a child that wasn't his and to just truly give all of himself to it.

Matt Darrah (12:19.694)

Yeah, so let's talk about that while we're on the subject because so many people say, I don't know how you do that because if I brought them into my home, I wouldn't be able to let them go. If I really loved them the way that you should, then you wouldn't be able to let them go. mean, talk about that a little.

Shelby Graham (12:42.893)

Yeah, that's a conversation that Maverick and I have had regularly because we hear it all the time. And it is heartbreaking and can be absolutely devastating for a child to leave your home. We had her for 10 months in our most recent placement. We had him for eight months and we are still brokenhearted. And we are still struggling with the grief of those kids leaving because at the end of the day,

It's not about me. It's not about Maverick. It's about the kid. And so we can pour every single ounce of ourself into loving these kids and making sure that they are safe and taken care of because we can process our feelings. can say goodbye and we can handle that. It's hard, but we can do it.

Matt Darrah (13:33.006)

Yeah.

Shelby Graham (13:34.317)

but they don't get a choice in the situation. And so if we can do whatever we can to make it best for them, easiest for them, why would we not? So to say, I couldn't do it, to me that's a very selfish comment because you're saying like, I couldn't give enough of myself to somebody and sacrifice that part for the better of somebody else.

Matt Darrah (13:48.302)

You're right.

Matt Darrah (13:55.214)

Yeah. Yeah. So I kind of put it like this. Somebody kind of reframed it for me one time. And it's a little bit harsh. Okay, it is. the way it was put to me was you would love them too much to actually love them, right? I mean...

Shelby Graham (14:13.017)

Yeah, that is exactly right. That is exactly right. Yeah, that is 100 % it.

Matt Darrah (14:18.894)

I mean, I 100 % know that there are foster parents out there. It's a job and they don't care about the kids. I know that they are. I know that that exists somewhere.

Shelby Graham (14:33.591)

Yeah, unfortunately.

Matt Darrah (14:35.406)

But as long as I've been doing this, I mean, I just don't see it. I I see families broken. My family and so many other families that pour their heart and soul into this child for six months, a year, sometimes two and three years, and then see them go somewhere. Whether it's a good thing or not, you still have to let them go.

which is extremely painful because you've done everything for this kid for that whole period of time and now they're leaving, which is hard. And let's just be honest, we measure recidivism in prison, right? How likely is it for a child or for an adult once they've been to prison, there's a high probability that they go back into prison, right? And we measure the same thing in foster care and this...

Shelby Graham (15:15.31)

Yes.

Matt Darrah (15:33.506)

the statistics that I got, the most recent ones off of the state's website, is that 45 % of kids that come into care go back to biofamily within five years, half of them are going to be back in care. And that.

Shelby Graham (15:52.154)

Absolutely. I had that experience and whenever I was doing investigations, my very first removal was from a family who had already been reunified once before. And they, I can't say that they weren't doing their very best because I think that they were, but at the end of the day, they weren't safe. And it was that pattern.

Matt Darrah (16:13.784)

Yeah. And so, on the fostering side of things, we do get brokenhearted. And the series that just ended last week is a five-part series on trauma. And in episode four, if you didn't listen to them, go back and listen to them. But episode four is all about vicarious trauma, secondary trauma. Because you bring them in, you love them,

totally and completely and do everything you can for them, get them safe, get them stable, and then they go back and that's traumatic. But we're also then experiencing vicariously through them the effects of the trauma that they've had. And so, and you talked about taking that break because you do, you do need to take some time to pause and heal and grieve.

before you're ready to step back into it, because we're loving the kids as much as we possibly can for however long that is, and then being heartbroken when they leave. That's just the reality of it. So yes, you can love them so much and be heartbroken that they leave.

Shelby Graham (17:30.713)

Absolutely.

Matt Darrah (17:41.73)

but still continue doing.

Shelby Graham (17:44.068)

Yes, yeah, and a lot of times it's not just the kids. For me personally, felt that it was part of my role was to support the families as best as I could and to be encouraging if I was given the opportunity. so.

So many times, you you put yourself out there and you, you know, send things like pictures and gifts that the kids wanted to get for him or whatever it is and you pray for them and you really hope that they will get it together for these babies. And then...

It's hard not to get your feelings hurt too whenever something happens and they don't get it together or they break that kid's heart another time. And it's hard not to get mad because you pour so much into the situation.

Matt Darrah (18:21.004)

Yeah. Yeah. Again. Yeah.

Matt Darrah (18:30.466)

Yeah, yeah. That's, mean, like I said, we can talk all day about the fact that people think, they're just doing it for the money, you know, which I'm just saying, if you're doing it for the quote unquote money, you're losing money because what the state gives you isn't nearly enough to fully provide for these kids.

Shelby Graham (18:39.576)

Right.

Shelby Graham (18:51.097)

Absolutely. Yeah, my husband always said, that's a joke. You've got jokes because she spends way more money on buying them clothes and toys and all the things and taking them here and there. I'm like, well, we're living our best lives. It's fine.

Matt Darrah (18:58.636)

Yeah.

You're right. Yeah, I mean, it's just it blows my mind. I mean, I don't know. I don't know how much people think the state are paying for these kids. But I mean, we ain't getting rich off of it. I'm telling you that. It just blows my mind. So so let's let's talk about you. You had mentioned that, you know, you you were were open to to adopting any of these kiddos should the need have arisen.

Shelby Graham (19:13.591)

No. No.

Shelby Graham (19:32.238)

Yeah, so there were a couple of different times that we, you know, had our two longest term placements. We really thought at certain points in their case that they were not going to get to go home or go to a relative. And so my husband and I were very much like, absolutely, we would be happy to adopt and keep these babies for, you know, forever if that would be allowed. And then...

And then it didn't happen. One of them we got to see a beautiful reunification and it is amazing to see how well they're doing now and we get to keep somewhat distant relationship with them. But we are so proud of them and really and truly like it was what's best for her was to be with her biological family.

Matt Darrah (20:12.642)

Yeah, that's good.

Shelby Graham (20:26.073)

Our last little one, he was with us for eight months and for some reason that one just was a little bit different too and he wound up moving north, up north and being with a family who adopted one of his siblings and we kind of got the

Matt Darrah (20:42.67)

Mm-hmm.

Shelby Graham (20:46.911)

run around half the time from St. Francis about what actually was going to happen. And so even though they had mentioned it before that there was potential that he could go there, it kind of felt like out of nowhere. And so it just, was really, really hard. We, we still have a relationship with him though, as well. And the relationship that we've built with his family has been

Matt Darrah (21:10.168)

That's good.

Shelby Graham (21:14.711)

Honestly, it's been amazing. And we love them and we love our little one's brother. And we send them toys and gifts and all the obnoxious goodies that we can think of. And we plan to go see them later this year. so it's.

Matt Darrah (21:16.536)

Good.

Matt Darrah (21:25.87)

You know that.

Shelby Graham (21:31.991)

The relationship that we wanted to have with these kids and the relationship that we prayed to be able to have with them, it didn't work out the way we wanted it to, the relationship that is, still there. We still get to have a relationship. It's just different than what we hoped it would be. Yeah.

Matt Darrah (21:47.692)

Right, right. But your...

putting yourself out there to the possibility of adopting these kiddos, preparing your heart for it, and then they end up going somewhere else, which is painful. mean, it's heartbreaking. mean, you sit there and you think, okay, I'm going to adopt these babies, and then they go. And even if it's, you know, with a sibling or with family and things like that, it's still hard. I mean, it's still heartbreaking when you look at this child and you think, you know...

Shelby Graham (22:17.507)

Definitely.

Matt Darrah (22:22.272)

He's going to be here forever. She's going to be here forever. And then something happens. we all, I I can't make the generalization. of the foster families out there want what's best for the child. I mean, I just don't know families that are like, don't really care. mean, you're not really, you're not doing this if that's really your attitude, right? And so.

Shelby Graham (22:25.197)

Yes.

Matt Darrah (22:50.786)

You know, we do want what's best for the child. And sometimes that's just frigging hard. It's just heartbreaking.

Shelby Graham (22:58.465)

It is, and I'm so lucky, I think because of my experience in the different areas of the foster care world, I think that I have been able to have.

Matt Darrah (23:05.474)

Hmm? Yeah.

Shelby Graham (23:09.177)

kind of a different way of thinking and processing and handling the situation. And my husband doesn't have that same thinking. And so he has had to handle this in a totally different way than I did. And so he's like, why are you not more upset? And I'm like, I am upset, but this is how I process it. I also, in my head, every time I thought, I would love to be his mom forever, it would be such an honor. But then I would think, but there's a

Matt Darrah (23:27.265)

Yeah.

Shelby Graham (23:39.131)

Possibility that might not happen so it just was I don't know we we definitely process things totally different, but

Matt Darrah (23:49.314)

Well, like I say, with your background being inside the system, you have a really unique perspective that most of us out here that are foster and adoptive parents, we don't have a clue. We don't see the other side, we see our side. And you have this unique situation where you see it from the foster parent's perspective, you see it from the...

agency's perspective and then having the experience also working with CPS and doing the investigations, which had to have been like that. That's got to be so hard.

Shelby Graham (24:25.251)

Right.

Shelby Graham (24:30.489)

I remember I always said when I worked at A World for Children, there's no way you could ever pay me enough to go work for CPS. That would be like selling my soul to the devil. And I can remember saying that so many times. And then I got the opportunity and it just felt like it was kind of part of the plan for me.

Honestly, I loved working there and I loved doing that job. And it wasn't, I didn't obviously love the removals and I did not enjoy the hard, hard stuff. But the fact that there were so many families that they just needed help with finding resources or they just needed somebody who cared to say, Hey, like you can do this. You know, pick up your bootstraps and let's get busy. it was cool to be able to see families.

Matt Darrah (24:57.806)

Yeah.

Matt Darrah (25:03.394)

Yeah. Yeah.

Shelby Graham (25:17.399)

be successful and just need a little bit of help. And so there were some great things. The removals were really hard and it definitely gave me a different perspective for the whole thing.

Matt Darrah (25:18.518)

Hmm. Sure.

Matt Darrah (25:30.434)

Yeah. Well, that's, you know, on the other side, when kiddos are having to be removed, you know, there's a sentiment among a lot of the families on the other side. I'll speak from personal. My biological mom, were removed and put back and removed and put back and removed and put back and all these things. But when it was finally done, as an adult, she was like,

You know, those foster care workers, know, they just take kids because they get a bonus every time they put one in care. I was like, you are outside your mind. no, nobody wants to do this. nobody, they're not sadists where they just like to cause misery and pain. Like, they're doing a job because their goal is to protect these kids.

Shelby Graham (26:13.017)

Yeah.

Shelby Graham (26:17.166)

No.

Shelby Graham (26:27.927)

Right. And I will say, man, even getting permission to remove a child for me and my unit anyways, it was not easy. And there were several times where I thought, man, like, I kind of think this kid needs to be removed because if not, like, this is a rough situation, but they always had like alternate plans and things to put in place, safety plans and all sorts of stuff that could help avoid it.

Matt Darrah (26:53.742)

Right. Yeah.

Shelby Graham (26:57.473)

before it got to the point of removal. And if it was to the point of removal, they had tried everything else that they could and there was no other option. And I got no bonuses, so.

Matt Darrah (27:03.992)

Yeah. Right. Because, know, I heard that because I was trying to get her to admit that, you like you did these things, there was five of us and then we were all removed and like you have some fault. She kept blaming it on the whatever guy that she was with or whatever. And it's like, listen, lady, like.

Shelby Graham (27:12.012)

you

Matt Darrah (27:34.188)

You screwed up too. And when she told me that it was because the caseworker's got a bonus, I was like, my gosh, this woman, it's just crazy. yeah. All right. I mean, I've seen caseworkers that work 60 and 80 hours a week and they're, you know, they're not, they are not getting rich working in the system. That is for sure.

Shelby Graham (27:43.145)

I didn't know social workers were the highest paid profession.

Shelby Graham (27:58.488)

No. See, and I even joke and say everyone's worried about teachers pay. Man, nobody's worried about a social worker's pay and that's worse than a teacher's pay, so.

Matt Darrah (28:06.66)

absolutely. I know. I had a job offer with CPS to do investigations and I was like, you've got to be kidding me. I was like, I don't think so. had a hard time just even thinking about it anyway, doing it, but I did the interview and everything, the place I was working, but I ended up not.

not doing it and not because of the money because the employer at the time did a few things to make things a little bit better. But but yeah they're they are not they are not getting rich working for CPS. mean golly and and and like you said it's it's not a happy thing when they're pulling these kids. They're not like yay I found some kids for these people over here. You know it's it's it's just not that way. I it's a difficult

Shelby Graham (28:47.491)

No, definitely not.

Matt Darrah (29:05.706)

I mean, even if you know that it's a horrible place for the kid, still, I mean, wrenches your heart to have to pull these kids away, right?

Shelby Graham (29:16.921)

Absolutely, mean several times, you I had to sit there and try to calm moms down when they're bawling because their kids are leaving them and you have to have a heart. You can't just not care. And so you acknowledge and you see the hurt there, but also you just hope and pray and try to encourage them, you like you can do this, you can get them back. You just have to put the work in.

Matt Darrah (29:29.005)

Right.

Matt Darrah (29:39.832)

Yeah. Yeah. And let's be honest, the work is not that much work. I mean, we're going to be honest here. I mean, it's more work to get licensed to foster than it is to get your children back.

Shelby Graham (29:47.286)

No.

Shelby Graham (29:56.45)

Absolutely, the requirements to foster are so much more intense than they are to even do kinship or to get your own children back or to just do family-based services, I guess. Yeah.

Matt Darrah (30:03.692)

Yeah.

Matt Darrah (30:10.776)

Yeah, it's just, mean, golly, the first time we had our kids, we got foster licensed and it was like 16 weeks of every week, two or three hours a night or once a week, because we licensed directly through CPS. And it was like 16 weeks, two or three hours each one night each week and work to do on outside of that. And I mean,

you know, like said, locking up the medicine cabinets. This blew my mind, right? So the boys were almost one and almost three. And we had to make maps of the house for exit plans mounted at their eye level. I mean, he's three. He doesn't know what this square on the wall with this arrow pointing somewhere like...

Shelby Graham (31:02.809)

Or the monthly fire drills with the infant. You're like, yeah, that they are getting this.

Matt Darrah (31:06.154)

Right. Yeah. Yeah. Right. Yeah. mean, golly dang. I mean, and then the paperwork and people. mean, if you boiled it down to what they're getting paid versus their time, I mean, they're making a nickel an hour. mean, golly, just go throw newspapers. You make more money. I mean, it is not a full time gig. It's a full life gig. You know, I mean,

Shelby Graham (31:28.845)

Right.

Shelby Graham (31:35.032)

It truly is. one of the, he was, think, the clinical director at World for Children. He always said, you know, if you don't have time, then you don't have any business doing it because time is the most important, like time is the thing that you need the most with fostering. And so if you didn't have the time to do it, then it's okay, step back and wait. But man, it's all, it is your life.

Matt Darrah (31:56.162)

Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. mean, and so, you know, so many families that I know that foster one of the parents stays home. But but I also know a lot that don't. They both work and they're still fostering and they're I mean, golly, they get sick. You got to give them some motrin. here's a form. You know, mean, golly dang. it's everything done. she got a she got a she's got a.

Shelby Graham (32:18.649)

Yeah, gotta write everything down.

Matt Darrah (32:27.842)

bandaid on because she's skinned her knee. We gotta fill out a form you know. I mean, golly dang. So...

Shelby Graham (32:30.741)

Right.

Sorry, my baby's outlet thing is going off. So sorry. Okay, I was gonna say I'm gonna turn it off so that way it's not doing it again. There we go.

Matt Darrah (32:37.532)

You're good. We can cut that out.

Matt Darrah (32:45.0)

We'll just slice that part out. So from a...

worker side of things, the CPS side, the investigators, the caseworkers. What do you wish people knew about that side of things?

Shelby Graham (33:06.105)

I think I honestly just had this conversation with a friend the other day that whenever a worker comes into your home because there's been an investigation called in, they should not, but normally they do not come in with the idea that you're already guilty. And so a lot of times workers are met with hostility because they think that they are...

coming in to automatically remove their kids and that's not the case. And yeah, some workers are not the friendliest, but at the end of the day, their job's to make sure that the kid is safe. And if you are taking care of your kid, you know, there's no reason for you to come at them in a hostile way because at the end of the day, we gotta work together anyways. So.

Matt Darrah (33:52.044)

Yeah. And that goes for the foster parent side or the bio family. They're not just out to get you. Their job is to...

Shelby Graham (33:58.266)

100%. 100%.

Right? And there are, there are some crappy workers. I'll, you know, I'll just be honest. There are some workers that they enjoy the power and there, but it's the same thing where we talked about, we know all of these wonderful foster families and there are some bad foster families who are just doing it for the money or whatever. But it's the same way in with the workers. There are so many wonderful workers who truly care about the kids.

Matt Darrah (34:08.098)

Yeah, yeah.

Matt Darrah (34:22.232)

Sure. Yeah.

Matt Darrah (34:32.087)

Yeah. And then everybody gets a bad rap because one caseworker is just, know, hateful or whatever. And so, having compassion. think foster families could really take some time to reflect on having compassion for the caseworkers because they are, they're overworked. mean, this...

Shelby Graham (34:33.656)

that.

Yes.

Yeah, absolutely.

Shelby Graham (34:59.193)

100%.

Matt Darrah (35:00.782)

The first time we had the boys, it was during the housing market collapse. so the state was on a hiring freeze. caseworkers were dropping like flies and they couldn't replace them. And so they just ended up divvying up the existing cases. So our fourth caseworker, we were her 54th case.

Shelby Graham (35:30.764)

It's just unrealistic.

Matt Darrah (35:32.718)

It's impossible. mean, stop and think about just the fact that you have to visit all of those homes every month.

Shelby Graham (35:39.576)

Absolutely. And the region or the area that I worked in stemmed from Sherman County, so the very top of Texas, almost Oklahoma, New Mexico, and then all the way down to Bovina, Hereford, that area. It was a humongous area that we were supposed to be working and there was no telling where a case would come in. And even though our supervisor tried really hard to make sure that we were only in one area, so it was not as chaotic with driving.

You can't control where the cases are coming from. And when you have one worker that has 10 cases and another worker that has four cases, like you have to spread it out a bit and make it more even. so like you're on the road all the time. You are working nonstop to try to get services for families or you're contacting people to, know, as like references and collaterals and things like that. it is nonstop. There's not one week that I worked at CPS that I only worked 40 hours.

Matt Darrah (36:35.662)

Right. Never. Never. mean, and then you can't go home and turn it off.

Shelby Graham (36:43.179)

No, you try to, but you can't. And there's not any time for you to go and to just do something for yourself for the most part, because you could be on call and then you're most likely gonna get called for something. There's just always something. There's always something.

Matt Darrah (36:45.634)

Yeah... No.

Matt Darrah (37:03.982)

Yeah, yeah, which is, and then that's why I say it's important for foster families to try. Now, don't get me wrong. You can get upset over things. I mean, what I'm trying to get at is from the foster care parent side of things to try to have compassion for these workers because they...

Shelby Graham (37:19.086)

Yes.

Matt Darrah (37:32.416)

They are trying. mean, yes, there's always a bad apple, but by and large, they are doing the best that they can to keep the kids safe, monitor, check the parents, check the foster families, make sure that they're doing all of the things that they need to do and stuff like that. so.

Shelby Graham (37:36.119)

Right.

Shelby Graham (37:47.886)

Yes, and yeah, absolutely. And at the end of the day, their frustrations with the system are absolutely valid. And a lot of times that what has happened or what's being said is going to happen doesn't come from that worker. It comes from somebody above them. They don't get to make the decisions. They just have to be the messenger, unfortunately.

Matt Darrah (37:54.894)

Mm-hmm.

Matt Darrah (38:03.05)

Right. Yeah. Right. Yeah. Yeah. mean, yeah, it's so every I think everybody involved should take a step back, take some breaths and, you know, try to have compassion for each other. know, just. Yeah, it is. And I don't know how to fix it. I don't know that you can fix it. Right.

Shelby Graham (38:22.007)

Yeah, the system is just very broken all the way around.

Shelby Graham (38:30.583)

I don't know that you can either.

Matt Darrah (38:32.462)

I mean, honestly and truly, everybody is trying to do the best that they can to protect the kids, make sure that they're safe. And, you know, and we live in a fallen world, we sin. And so bad things are going to happen. And we got to, we have to have a way to try to keep those kiddos safe and we do the best we can.

Shelby Graham (38:58.169)

Yeah, absolutely. And I can say honestly whenever, you know, we've, like I said, we've had kids and I've had my own rough experiences with workers and so I don't want anybody to think that I do not have a strong understanding of that side of things because I very much do. There were many times where I was...

angry and wanted to say a lot of really ugly things to workers and you know spent time crying because I didn't they didn't get it and they were not listening to what was best for the kid or what was going on with the kid and that includes ad litems I mean and and you know Casa workers and all of the it's not just you know the the St. Francis workers or the CPS workers

Matt Darrah (39:19.5)

Yeah.

Matt Darrah (39:38.574)

Yeah, you try to get 15 people in a room to decide what color to paint the walls, you're going to have fights. So when you start bringing in the fact that you, there are so many different voices in that courtroom, speaking loudly, trying to get their will done. you know, everybody has their own opinion as to what's going to be best.

for this child and it's just a broken hard system. And I do think that they're trying to make things better. The state is doing some things through Heart Gallery and through the Phase II funding with Heart Gallery. there are so many different groups that are working towards trying to make things better.

Shelby Graham (40:12.409)

Absolutely.

Matt Darrah (40:34.296)

But at the end of the day, you've got a broken world and we're trying to make the best we can out of it. You know, that's just... So you're not currently licensed, right? Or are you?

Shelby Graham (40:43.065)

Exactly.

Shelby Graham (40:49.729)

We are licensed. are just inactive right now. Yes.

Matt Darrah (40:52.332)

Inactive, okay, because you just had a little one.

Shelby Graham (40:55.639)

I did, yes, so we have a four month old baby.

Matt Darrah (40:58.658)

Yeah, sweet. How's she doing?

Shelby Graham (41:01.113)

She's good. She's wonderful. I'm like, she's perfect. It has been an adventure too. It's funny. have had to, I've had a hard time switching over my mom brain from the foster care world and rules to like where I don't have to ask permission to do things. And so I find myself all the time being like, am I allowed to do that? And then I realized, wait, yes. Like I'm her mom. Like I can do that.

Matt Darrah (41:04.846)

Yeah. Yeah.

Matt Darrah (41:17.794)

Yeah.

Matt Darrah (41:28.792)

Yeah.

Shelby Graham (41:30.957)

But I will say too, like back to that secondary trauma, I did not realize that the effects of fostering and having so many kids come and go, that it would affect my journey having a biological child because I really struggled for the first several months with like waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Matt Darrah (41:54.222)

Mmm.

Shelby Graham (41:54.746)

And it took me a long time to be able to say it out loud. But I think it's because...

So many times we felt like, my gosh, this is going to be, this is our child. Like we, we are going to get to be parents for this child forever. Like we are so excited. And then something happened to where it didn't happen. And so we were just, you know, heartbroken and devastated by that. And, and so even though my logical brain knows that this baby is our baby and that this baby is not going anywhere, my crazy brain tells me, you know, that something could happen. You know, she might not.

Matt Darrah (42:27.374)

Yeah. Yeah.

What?

Shelby Graham (42:32.923)

And so that has definitely been something that I've had to really work through and kind of process.

Matt Darrah (42:40.12)

Yeah. So speak to this myth that I keep talking about on this podcast where...

You know, so many people say, you know, you can't love this other child the same as your biological child. to that for a little

Shelby Graham (43:05.143)

You know, I've had so many people ask me in the last four months about that exactly. It's, is it different? How does it feel this time? Expecting for me to say, my gosh, like I have never loved anything more in my entire life and I just, you know, but in reality, like I have loved other kids as much as I love.

my baby as much as I love Willa. It's a different bond and connection because I didn't have to work, I haven't had to work so hard for that bond. The amount of love that I have for her is just as much love as I had for our little boy and our little girl and

Matt Darrah (43:40.173)

Yeah.

Shelby Graham (43:51.596)

And you know, we've talked about this at Bible study a few weeks ago too and somebody didn't quite understand and tried to tell me that, it is different this time because she's yours. And I thought, you know, like I don't think that you see my heart in this and I don't think you understand how, how.

I feel about this and my intentions and purpose behind fostering. Because I cried on his first day of daycare just as much as I'm gonna cry on her first day of daycare. It was, that has been a tough thing to talk about with people because I don't think that you understand until you've been in these shoes. I don't think that you will understand until you've experienced it for yourself.

Matt Darrah (44:20.024)

Right.

Matt Darrah (44:35.714)

Yeah. And that's, you know, that's one of the things, I mean, the point of this podcast, you know, a place for coffee connection and community, right? Connection with other foster and adoptive families and their stories and community around listening to somebody share your experiences is powerful. But then also, my hope is that the community will listen in.

and understand a little bit more what it's like walking this journey. You can honestly say, I love, you had 10, 10 kids come and go, right? Yeah. So I love those 10 kids and I love my daughter. I was talking to this lady that her episode came out a couple of weeks ago.

Shelby Graham (45:21.709)

Yes, yeah.

Matt Darrah (45:35.342)

And she was saying, know, my love for them is different. know, this kid I love that they do this and that or whatever, and this kid, you know, loves cuddling and da-da-da-da-da. So the way in which my love may be expressed or this or that is different, but it's not a difference in amount. It's just not.

Shelby Graham (45:58.874)

Right. My mom has told me the same thing because we joke and say that my sister is her favorite and that she loves her more and she just tells me no she's just needier and she's like she says I love you both the same amount I just love you in different ways. Yeah.

Matt Darrah (46:13.934)

Exactly. And so, I just get so passionate about wanting people to really, really dig in and understand that you just love them. You love them whether they're there one night, five years, or the rest of their life. You just love them. And if you're doing this and you're doing it right, then...

There's no difference, you know.

Shelby Graham (46:44.375)

And people see that I think, you know, for the majority of the time that we've lived here in Stratford, we have been the only foster family here. And I can't tell you how many people have been able to witness and experience what it's like to do foster care and break so many of those myths that they hear like, well, I didn't know that. You know, I've heard that so many times and I've had so many, you know, honest conversations about what foster care would look like for some families here. And a close friend of mine,

Matt Darrah (46:59.629)

Yeah.

Shelby Graham (47:14.329)

We talked just the other day and she said, you know, I've had this on my heart, you know, and I said, well, then that means something. And she said, well, I thought everybody thought that. And I said, girl, no, girl, no, not everybody thinks that way. That is a calling. It is 100 % a calling because it is not for everybody. Yeah, exactly.

Matt Darrah (47:21.027)

Yeah.

Matt Darrah (47:24.871)

Nope.

Yeah. Right. Yeah. No, it's not. mean, not everybody can do it. What a lot of people don't know is they think it's either foster or nothing. And so we end up having conversations day in and day out that, yes, we need foster homes. The last statistic that I got from the state was that we needed about 100 beds in the 26 counties for kiddos at any given time. But ah

Shelby Graham (47:41.785)

Yes.

Matt Darrah (48:00.718)

And so we do, we do need foster families. if you don't foster, there are a thousand different ways that you can get involved and help without going and getting licensed, you know. Yeah.

Shelby Graham (48:16.981)

Absolutely. And you know, I have decided, you know, I want to be a part of this world in whatever capacity that looks like for this season of life. And so right now we are not fostering and that's okay. But I want to be able to help any way that I can. So if that is through respite care, I don't want to be a respite provider. Right now I'm also, I'm on the child welfare board for Sherman County. And so we...

Matt Darrah (48:37.506)

Right. Yeah.

Shelby Graham (48:45.279)

Our goal is to help families and children in Sherman County. And so that looks like a lot of different things. That looks like buying beds for families. That looks like paying electricity bills. I mean, there are so many different avenues just with this one board that we're able to contribute to our community and help in the sense of families and children. And then there's CASA. mean...

Matt Darrah (49:00.482)

Yeah. Yeah.

Shelby Graham (49:10.731)

You know, there are so many different ways that a person could be involved and it's just because there's not the knowledge of that has to be put out there. They have to be told because they don't know.

Matt Darrah (49:23.064)

You know, and so many foster families that I talk to say, well, the community just doesn't care. And in my experience, not everybody, but so many people will say, I didn't know. I didn't know that, you know, bring us an outfit. You know, help deliver a placement package. Do be part of Amarillo Angels and do a love box or do respite or just get set up to babysit for somebody.

Shelby Graham (49:38.499)

Yes.

Shelby Graham (49:51.629)

Yes. Yeah.

Matt Darrah (49:52.236)

You know, there's a thousand different ways to get involved that don't necessarily involve getting licensed.

Shelby Graham (49:59.834)

Yeah, I can say Stratford is a wonderful community that very much was stepped up and was present for us. Our church group, our church family, they brought things to us. They brought us meals, they brought us clothes, they brought us toys whenever we got our little boy. We got a package from you guys. It just kind of...

Matt Darrah (50:22.36)

Yeah, I so.

Shelby Graham (50:24.451)

through connections, I mean, there are people that are willing to help. It's just they, sometimes they just need to be told how to help.

Matt Darrah (50:32.428)

Right, Yeah, I mean, it's just that and again, that's why we're doing the things that we're doing to raise the awareness to say, okay, listen, we need foster homes. We absolutely do. But also, there's all these different ways to get involved. And so, you know, I was actually in Stratford for two Saturdays ago, there's a great grandmother who took in her three granddaughters and they had a

They had a bunk bed, but they didn't have any mattresses for it. And so I brought them a couple mattresses and some clothes and toys and things like that. so, you know, yeah, there's there are lots and lots of different ways to get involved that don't necessarily, you know, involve getting licensed. mean, and, you know, and the state is really, really pushing for families. One of the caseworkers from St. Francis told me last week

that 34 % of the kids in the pain handle that have been placed have been placed in our kinship family, which is significant. mean, that's way up from where it used to be, but it's also, you know, there's at least hopefully some things that are similar and, you know, stuff like that. mean, you know, you can, you know, I tell people all the time, like, you know, when at church, when mom gets pregnant,

You you do a baby shower and you go to the hospital and you bring them meals for a week and you do all those things. Well, these foster families could use the exact same thing, the exact same kind of support that you're given to these new moms. so. Right, right.

Shelby Graham (52:10.7)

Absolutely.

Shelby Graham (52:16.663)

It is chaos in those first few days of getting a new placement. It is doctor's appointments and daycare or school or getting clothes or, you know, like basic needs. It is chaos. And those first few days, somebody bringing a meal is awful helpful. Send in a pizza. Yeah.

Matt Darrah (52:23.886)

Hmm.

Matt Darrah (52:27.968)

Mm-hmm. Absolutely.

Absolutely, Just order some pizza, do something. Yeah, I mean, and that's why we try to be there within 24 hours, because we know that that first couple of days are absolute, just, my gosh. I took a placement package one night to this lady. She was a single mom and she fostered, and she typically took teenagers. Well, she got a sibling group, a three.

and they were 22 months, 10 months, and newborn. Right. Well, CPS dropped him off. They had set up an appointment for her to bring the kids to the doctor's office the next morning at nine. And guess what? She had no car seats.

Matt Darrah (53:23.18)

Right. How in the world is she going to get these kids to this doctor's appointment? How is she going to get to the store to get the car? I mean, so it's like 11 o'clock at night. I'm bringing her three car seats and pajamas for the kids to sleep in and stuff like that. I mean, it is crazy those first few days. You know, get into a routine and things and it gets easier. But yeah, those first few days are just absolute chaos. And that's a big part of the reason why we do the placement package and why

Shelby Graham (53:46.691)

Mm-hmm.

Matt Darrah (53:52.418)

why we try to be there so quickly after placement because we try to make things a little bit easier.

Shelby Graham (53:59.543)

yeah, yeah.

Matt Darrah (54:01.218)

So what is, tell me little bit more about the Child Welfare Board. What does that do?

Shelby Graham (54:08.089)

So there's there should. I think there's a child welfare board in every county. It just looks different for everybody and so for our welfare board. We work with. We have a CPS representative and then we have a Saint Francis representative and they cut. We meet like quarterly and they tell us the needs. So if there's a family that they are working with, whether it's a family who is in the middle of CBS.

Matt Darrah (54:12.024)

Mm-hmm.

Shelby Graham (54:35.295)

or a family who's in the middle of an investigation, whatever it is, if there is a need that we can assist with, then we do. So we've provided car seats, we've provided clothing, we've provided bunk beds, we've provided, I mean, extermination services. I mean, we have truly, we are able to provide so many different things for families in our community. And sometimes, you know, we're...

Matt Darrah (54:47.458)

Yeah.

Matt Darrah (54:52.22)

man.

Matt Darrah (54:58.199)

Mm-hmm.

Shelby Graham (55:02.029)

We're a little bit limited depending on how much they need. But if we can contribute at all to a family to help either prevent them from having to get to the point of removal, or sometimes they just need those resources. If we can help them get to where they need to be, then we're happy to do that.

Matt Darrah (55:21.806)

Hmm.

And where do y'all get funding?

Shelby Graham (55:26.361)

We do do fundraisers and so we've done a few different fundraisers in Sherman County, but we also get funds from our county. They give us some funds or I don't know if it's a gift. Technically I can't remember the like term for it, but we get funds from the county as well and so. That's we kind of pull from that. Yeah. Yeah.

Matt Darrah (55:39.192)

but I'm like, I'm wearing a warning or something. Okay.

Matt Darrah (55:48.782)

Okay, that's cool. I mean, I've heard people talk about the child welfare boards before. I just never really knew what it was.

Shelby Graham (55:57.144)

Yeah, they're a great resource. if you've got, you know, if you know a family in need of, or you know, a foster family or whatever, I mean, if there's a welfare board that you can get a hold of, they are a great resource.

Matt Darrah (56:11.82)

Yeah. So let's go back for a second. I know you said you got a placement package. Talk to us about that placement package showing up for you.

Shelby Graham (56:21.869)

Yeah, it was awesome. I was contacted, I think by Jennifer, and she had asked me if there was anything specific that I needed. And we figured out that the little one, he would only take Dr. Brown's bottle, like the nipples from Dr. Brown's. He would not take any other type of nipple. And so I was like...

Matt Darrah (56:26.445)

Mm-hmm.

Matt Darrah (56:36.558)

Hmm.

Matt Darrah (56:40.366)

Yeah.

Shelby Graham (56:43.363)

Do you have these? So I sent her a picture and she, you you guys made it happen. And so it helped, it helped tremendously because we live, our town is 2000 people. We have a Dollar General that closes at eight or nine o'clock and then we have a grocery store that closes at eight or nine o'clock and they're very limited on what they have. And so, you know, diapers and wipes and clothes, pajamas, bottles, baby toys, things like that, you know, we tried to be prepared for

Matt Darrah (56:44.62)

Yeah.

Matt Darrah (56:57.58)

Yeah. Right.

Shelby Graham (57:13.387)

any age of newborn to five because that's what we were open for at the time. And so it truly was, I mean, was so, so incredibly helpful to get, to get that package and just luggage because it came in this big suitcase. And so it was, it was, it was awesome.

Matt Darrah (57:26.222)

Okay, yeah.

Matt Darrah (57:30.158)

Yeah, that's it. I try to explain to folks the impact of a placement package. And the feedback that I get is not, we're not just bringing stuff. It's impactful. says, we as a community see you, we see that kiddo, and we value you.

Shelby Graham (57:47.842)

No.

Shelby Graham (57:56.814)

Yeah, absolutely. living so far from, you know, Amarillo, it feels like so far from Amarillo, but even still, like the fact that you guys were so willing to make it happen, to get to us so quickly, like that meant a lot.

Matt Darrah (58:02.894)

Right.

Matt Darrah (58:12.098)

Yeah, yeah, another foster mom talked about how she lives about an hour outside of town. She got some kiddos at like eight o'clock at night and they didn't have formula and there was no way she was going to have to drive to Amarillo to get formula to feed them, you know, and we showed up with, you know, bottles and formula and things like that and just, yeah, I mean, you know, delivering. I didn't know this. This fits in perspective.

Did you know that the 26 counties of the Panhandle is the size of West Virginia?

Shelby Graham (58:46.915)

heard you say that in one of the episodes and I was like, holy cow.

Matt Darrah (58:50.966)

Yeah, mean, that just puts it in perspective. Like we're a state by ourself, you know? And so it is not uncommon for us to have to drive two hours one way to deliver a placement package.

Shelby Graham (58:56.203)

It's massive. Yeah, it's massive.

Shelby Graham (59:06.925)

Yeah, yeah, our closest Walmart is 30 to 40 minutes away. So I mean, any specialty formula we have to drive to go get, so.

Matt Darrah (59:13.068)

Yeah, yeah, it's crazy. Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's ridiculous. And then it's astronomically expensive. And then I...

Shelby Graham (59:24.727)

Yes. Yeah, here in our store we pay like eight dollars, nine dollars for a jar of mayonnaise. So can you imagine?

Matt Darrah (59:29.998)

Oh my god. Probably like $80 for one of the small cans or something like that. Yeah, mean, yeah, so it's just, and then I don't know exactly, but the state has changed something. I don't know if you know about this, but something they changed about WIC, about that they're only doing one, there's like two types of formula that they're doing on WIC. Did you know that?

Shelby Graham (59:35.627)

gets pricey.

Shelby Graham (59:54.391)

No, I thought you could get a prescription from your doctor for like specialty formula.

Matt Darrah (59:57.966)

That may be it. I That may be I know that I know that I was talking to some one of the foster moms and she was she was complaining because they WIC told her she could get one of those two and I think there was a way to To get them to do the something else. Maybe I can't remember. just Right. Well, that's and that's everything right? I mean, there's there's there's stuff there for you to use but it's a

Shelby Graham (01:00:18.201)

but it's jumping through hoops.

Shelby Graham (01:00:23.821)

Mm-hmm.

Matt Darrah (01:00:27.032)

chain in the neck to get it.

Shelby Graham (01:00:28.533)

Absolutely. Our WIC office...

we don't in Stratford, don't technically have a WIC office, but they're supposed to come like once a week or something like that. Well, I could never get a hold of them and I could never get anybody, you know, to give me information. And so we wound up just not using WIC for our placement. And it was similar for daycare because, know, CMS, you qualify if you work full time. Well, we had it initially and then the summer came and we lost it because I'm a teacher. so, which is, that's fine. That was no problem. But then getting it back was so much redoing

Matt Darrah (01:00:57.454)

Right, in a pain in leg.

Shelby Graham (01:01:01.177)

the same thing that we were like, you know what, if he's about to leave in a couple months, we will just pay for it, it's not a problem, because it's so many hoops to jump through.

Matt Darrah (01:01:10.69)

Yeah, Man, such good stuff. So if you were talking to somebody that was thinking about fostering, what would you tell them?

Shelby Graham (01:01:25.005)

Do it. If you're thinking about it, there's a reason. Truly, I believe that if you, if it comes to your mind, if it's on your heart, don't, don't ignore it. Look into it, ask questions because you're not going to know until you ask. And there are so many misconceptions about fostering that I think it scares people away. You know, explaining that you can set an age range and specify, you know,

Matt Darrah (01:01:52.302)

Yeah.

Shelby Graham (01:01:54.254)

how many. They're not just gonna call you and say, we're on our way with 42 teenagers, you know? And that is something that they think, well, I can't do teenagers. Okay, well don't foster teenagers. Or, I don't like babies. Well, don't foster babies. Like, that's okay. You know, like, lot of, you do have a choice in...

Matt Darrah (01:01:58.702)

You know what I mean.

Matt Darrah (01:02:04.824)

Yeah. Yeah.

Right. Yeah.

Shelby Graham (01:02:15.895)

the child that comes to your home. You are not, and you are not stuck. And so I think that is another thing that is not talked about a lot. I, know, discharging a child is really, is really difficult decision to make, but it is a decision that sometimes you have to make for the safety of yourself, for the safety of other kids in your home. There are so many reasons that you might have to discharge a kid. And I think that is...

Matt Darrah (01:02:17.934)

you

Shelby Graham (01:02:43.063)

like seemed or seen as so negative that it's just not talked about. And so to know that like if something goes wrong and something isn't right, then you do have the option to say like, we can't do this anymore. And you're not stuck.

Matt Darrah (01:02:46.54)

Yeah. Yeah.

Matt Darrah (01:02:58.274)

Yeah.

Yeah.

Shelby Graham (01:03:02.251)

And so if anything, if a family wanted to know, you know, was interested in fostering, get your feet wet. Do respite for a family. Babysit, you know, start off with a little bit. Go to an orientation. You're not signing your life away if you go to an orientation. Yeah.

Matt Darrah (01:03:08.942)

Yeah, exactly. That's what I'll do.

Matt Darrah (01:03:17.742)

Check it out. Yeah, you're not gonna show up for the baby like the next day. mean, yeah

Shelby Graham (01:03:22.199)

Yeah, they used to think that we had babies in the back at the World for Children office, so sometimes people would come in and they'd be like, you got any kids back there? No, we do not hoard the children in the back office. See, so many misconceptions about foster care, it's crazy.

Matt Darrah (01:03:34.524)

my gosh, that's hilarious.

Right. Yeah. Yeah, that's the thing. I mean, it is hard, but it is absolutely worth it. mean, you know, these babies, they deserve to be somewhere safe and valued and loved for however long that is, you know, whether it's a night or a year or the rest of their lives.

Shelby Graham (01:03:45.113)

100%.

Shelby Graham (01:03:54.263)

Yep. And I do.

Yep.

I can remember working with families that had other kids and had biological kids and those were some of the most well-rounded exceptional kids that I had ever met because they had such a different perspective on life. And so people ask, know, well what about my other kids? Like, it's gonna be really hard on them. Well yeah, it'll be hard on them, but truly I believe that when you open your home to foster a child, like you are giving your child an experience that they will never have anywhere else and you are open.

Matt Darrah (01:04:04.206)

Mm-hmm.

Matt Darrah (01:04:27.811)

Yeah.

Shelby Graham (01:04:28.315)

up to learn about compassion and grace and love in a way that they have not experienced.

Matt Darrah (01:04:33.836)

Yeah. And not to discount the fact that it's traumatic for them when the kiddos leave too. My girls, when the boys went back to their biological mom, they grieved. They absolutely grieved. These were these two little boys that they had been in our lives since the very beginning. And so, you know, my girls just, they were, I mean, they were

Shelby Graham (01:04:41.591)

Yes, yeah.

Shelby Graham (01:04:51.042)

Absolutely.

Matt Darrah (01:05:03.342)

so awesome with these two babies. And they just loved them and it did. It broke their hearts when they went back too because we knew that it was not a good scenario that they were going back into and we didn't have any choice in the matter. And so it's hard on them too. But that also builds resilience. Yeah. I mean.

Shelby Graham (01:05:23.257)

100%.

And it just helps them realize, you know, it's not all about me. There's more out there. There are more people like we sometimes do what's best for other people and that's okay. I mean, even it goes on to extended family. I have two nephews that I'm incredibly close with and they truly loved the kids that we had and they were crazy about them and they also have grieved in their own way. My sister and my mom, you know, my dad, we've all had

the experience of having to grieve these kids leaving us. But at the end of the day, I think we all have had such an incredible opportunity to experience what this has been like and grow from it.

Matt Darrah (01:06:00.302)

Mm-hmm.

Matt Darrah (01:06:07.726)

Yeah, absolutely, absolutely. So if you're talking to the community, I always ask our foster and adoptive family, are there things that were super valuable and great that encouraged and built you up while you were fostering or

things that you wish you would have had as you brought kids in and kept them in the, talk to the community at large and say, this was super impactful and you should do this for somebody, man, I wish somebody had done that for me.

Shelby Graham (01:06:50.787)

Sure. You know, honestly, like I said, Stratford has been an incredible...

supportive community whenever it came to us getting placements. our church family went above and beyond. We have a thrift store in town, and so even though we don't have quick access to a Walmart or to another store, they went and they got some clothes and shoes and baby items that we might have needed, and they brought them to our house immediately. I mean, we had people from other teachers that they would drop off strollers and car seats.

Matt Darrah (01:07:24.312)

Mm-hmm.

Shelby Graham (01:07:25.701)

baby swings and things like that. I mean, as a community, it takes a village, you know, we say it takes a village to raise a family. Well, why not extend that to fostering a child? Like it still takes a village. just a little, it just looks a little bit different. And so I can say that, you know, church families stepping up and taking care of supporting those foster families so that they can continue to do the work is huge. And I think that is,

Matt Darrah (01:07:32.184)

Yeah. Yeah.

Matt Darrah (01:07:38.178)

Yeah. Right.

Shelby Graham (01:07:55.694)

going to be the thing that helps continue good foster families. Because when you feel supported and you don't feel like you're on your own and you have people to come and help you have a break or respite for you, you're going to be able to endure a lot longer.

Matt Darrah (01:08:11.308)

Yeah, yeah, so that support of the community really does impact, you know, the state, the national survey that I looked at said that between half and two thirds of foster families quit within the first year. And then the number one reason that was stated was the fact that they didn't feel support from their community.

Shelby Graham (01:08:33.357)

Yeah, and I believe that. can say that there are several friends that, you know, they thought it was a really cool idea until it came down to it, especially whenever I was single. You know, I was single. I could go and do whatever I wanted. Well, that was fine and dandy. And then I got kids and put them first and prioritize their needs. And that wasn't convenient for everybody else. And so you lose friends because they don't understand it and you don't

Matt Darrah (01:08:49.592)

Mm-hmm.

Matt Darrah (01:08:56.5)

Right. Yeah.

Shelby Graham (01:09:02.625)

you don't have, you know, a ton of people that understand unless you surround yourself with other foster families or people who've been in this situation. And so that's so important is finding a community that you can get with like-minded people who have experienced similar things. Like I know they used to, I don't know if they still really have it. They had like foster mom coffee night in Amarillo. And that was awesome because you could just get together and be with people who get it.

Matt Darrah (01:09:16.398)

Yeah.

Matt Darrah (01:09:22.498)

Yeah.

Matt Darrah (01:09:28.046)

Yeah, yeah, because then I say this all the time, but we do better in community. And that's not just foster families, we do better in whatever it is we're doing. If we have some people around us, like-minded people that are around us that support love and encourage us, we just do better. so, no, no, we were not. We were meant to...

Shelby Graham (01:09:33.815)

Absolutely.

Shelby Graham (01:09:50.541)

Yeah, we weren't meant to be islands.

Matt Darrah (01:09:56.12)

to be together and work together. And one of my taglines is let's do this together, right? Because we, like you said, it takes a village. It takes everybody working together to provide loving, safe, and stable homes for these kiddos. And I'm, listen, Shelby, I really appreciate taking your time to just come and talk and share.

Shelby Graham (01:10:11.938)

Yep, absolutely.

Matt Darrah (01:10:22.414)

your experiences, some tough ones, but some good ones. And I just really appreciate your openness and your unique perspective on having been kind of on all sides of the equation.

Shelby Graham (01:10:37.367)

Yeah, I was so excited whenever I was asked and had the opportunity. So I'm glad that I could do it. Thanks for letting me come do this with you.

Matt Darrah (01:10:42.188)

Yeah. Thank you. Yeah, thank you so much. And one more time, thank you to Falcon Ridge IT for their support of us as an organization. And then check them out. And if you need some IT support, they're great folks. Thanks, and we'll catch you next week.

Matt Darrah (01:11:06.131)

If I can find the start button.