Using Integrated Attachment Theory to Heal your Relationship with Bryan Power

Matthew Darrah (00:01.56)

Hello and welcome to All Things Foster, a place for coffee, connection, and community. Today we have Brian Power on and he's going to talk to us about attachment styles, the integrated attachment theory, and I'm really excited about it. Before we get to that, today's episode of All Things Foster is sponsored by Amarillo National Bank. We are incredibly grateful for their generous support through a major grant that allows us to continue.

to provide placement packages to children entering foster care throughout the 26 counties. Their commitment ensures that every child receives essential items like clothing, car seats, diapers, comfort items right when they need it most. Amarillo National Bank continues to lead the way in strengthening families and uplifting our community and we are honored to partner with them. So thank you guys so much, Amarillo National Bank for your support and Brian.

Thank you so much for reaching out and coming on the podcast today.

Bryan Power (01:02.669)

Matt, thanks for having me on the show today. It's an honor to be here. And yeah, I love the work that you're doing at foster parenting is just such a wonderful thing. And, I know a lot of parents struggle sometimes being foster parents. It's very, can be very difficult and how do you kind of keep your own relationship together and make sure that, you know, you're happy with your spouse and not letting this affect you in a negative way. And so I'm hoping that some of the information I can share today will help benefit some of your fans and some of your fans and some of your listeners that we can help have some better relationships there. So thanks for having me on today.

Matthew Darrah (01:32.526)

Absolutely. So, Brian, your work kind of take us back. Where did this start? What was the impetus to kind get into this?

Bryan Power (01:46.907)

Yeah, I mean, through my own difficult situation with my wife and, you know, we learned in 2024 how childhood trauma really plays out and how relationships can really be affected by, you know, our own childhoods and our own trauma, the way we're perceiving things in our relationship and our inability to have the certain tools necessary to have a good relationship. you we were kind of winging it for years and we did pretty well overall. I never thought we had a horrible relationship, but yeah, we definitely had some difficulty working through some situations, some fights.

And when we actually had our son in 2019, that's when things really began to get more difficult because children really challenge you and they really bring out the best and the worst of you as parents. And we start to realize how our differences were. My different ideas on how to parent and her ideas on how to parent really became very conflicting. And over the next five years or so, it just got kind of worse and worse and we didn't know how to fix it.

And then in 2024, she would actually challenge me early on to in 2024 to see a therapist. And I said, okay, fine. I'll agree to that. I want to learn. want to get better and fair. But I also challenged her to see a therapist because in my mind, she was the one with all the issues, right? And in her mind, of course, I'm the one with all the issues. And so the first thing we have to realize is that, you know, we're probably both having some issues and we're both need to learn some things and step up. so that, but that's the first step is to just take some responsibility and say, okay, you know what I want to learn and change and

and be better here. So let me just start doing this work. Whether my partner decides to come with me or not, it doesn't matter. It's just our own thing. So if you're seeing some issues in your household and relationships and stuff, be open to the idea of doing whatever it takes to kind of fix that, right? So, yeah, that was started us on a journey. She started seeing a childhood trauma specialist and I was seeing my own therapist. And over the next four months though, our emotional trauma from our childhoods was triggering so much. And it began this emotional turmoil.

Matthew Darrah (03:35.682)

Mm.

Bryan Power (03:39.383)

after about four months of just insanity, literal, like just emotional chaos. She would actually reach for a restraining order against me for emotional safety, not for physical. never threatened my wife physically. would not that kind of guy, but at the emotional level, she just couldn't do it anymore. And she was trying to get that space. was trying to keep the family together. And so the more I tried to keep it together, the more she needed some space. And that's really became the issue. But that restraining order would prove to be a valuable tool, actually.

Eventually we would have some time away and the work that we were able to continue to do would actually prove to be invaluable so that we learned a lot of lessons. We learned a lot about ourselves. We learned a lot of tools that we didn't have before that we now implement into our relationship that are now beneficial, that keep us having a healthier, happier relationship today. so, and that was the work and the journey that I was very blessed to actually go through. was one of the hardest times of my life. Not something I recommend going through, but it was.

Matthew Darrah (04:32.834)

No doubt.

Bryan Power (04:36.091)

such a blessing now that on the other side of this thing, I just want to share some of the information with others out there and hope that they can maybe learn some of these tools as well and maybe save or even if not save a relationship, maybe just make it better. Even if it's not at that critical stage, maybe we could take you from kind of mediocrity to something fantastic because I truly believe that having a great relationship with our spouse is the joy of the day. It's something that is a true blessing. And when you're finding yourself struggling in a relationship, that kind of hurts and it's not.

Matthew Darrah (04:59.384)

Hmm.

Bryan Power (05:05.365)

It doesn't feel great, you know, and so, but it's out there. It's just that we need the tools to be able to do it and we can definitely elevate our relationship. So that's what I'm here for. So thanks so much for having me on the show, Matt. Yeah.

Matthew Darrah (05:15.136)

Yeah, absolutely. Like I say, think it's really interesting, first of all, that a couple can have an okay marriage. And then when they start, whether it's bringing it, whether they have biological kids or they bring in kiddos from foster care, it magnifies the issues that they're

you know, they're kind of able to muddle through. But then when you bring in this external thing, man, it just, it really complicates things. And I can't tell you how many friends that I've seen that have fostered, have, it has caused tremendous, tremendous struggles in their marriage because they were kind of coasting. And then you bring in this outside influence that really, really makes things difficult.

Bryan Power (06:14.189)

Yeah, kids will do that whether they're your own or whether they're somebody else's. If you're bringing them into the house, it definitely changes dynamics of the family and the household. And so how do we navigate through that? That's a challenge. so without some tools and without some awareness there, that just makes it even more more difficult. So even with the tools and awareness, there's going to be challenges, but at least once you have the tools, you can then at least address them in a much healthier way and work through them. And I think ultimately come out on the other side stronger and better for it. But yeah, without the tools, it's near impossible.

Matthew Darrah (06:40.813)

Sure.

No doubt. you talk about, the foundation for us first. What is your integrated detachment theory? Kind of walk us through that.

Bryan Power (06:55.333)

So Integrated Attachment Theory is actually a program created by a woman named Thais Gibson, T-H-A-I-S Gibson, and she is out of Canada. I actually was very fortunate to come across a video of her on a podcast on the Mel Robbins show. And she was talking about attachment theory. And this was about a month or so before my wife and I would also only have the restraining order and I would leave the house if you will. when I came across this video, I was fascinated. thought, man, this girl knows some stuff. There's some real answers here. I saw my wife was...

leaning one way, I was leaning another way and saw some of the emotional turmoil stuff that was coming because of those things. And I was just fascinated by that work. So I decided to delve into that. She has a personal development school that you can join online and it's a really incredible program. There's some really great videos, workbooks and everything else. And I just decided to delve into that work.

And as I began to do that work, it was a little too little too late for my wife and I, because things would just continue to spiral. And then eventually I was out of the house. But once I was out, I still was just interested in learning more because I knew there were answers here. And I just wanted to have a great relationship with somebody. Even if it wasn't, even if I couldn't fix the relationship with my wife at that time, I just figured, well, I want to be able to have these tools. So I do get another opportunity someday. I want to be able to do it better. And so I continue to learn those tools and she has a coaching program that teaches you.

these six core elements of the integrated attachment theory program and how to be a coach. I didn't know if I would actually be a coach or not. I just wanted to learn it. So I figured I'm going to take this program and just see where it goes. so, I started to take the coaching program and basically integrated attachment theory program is based around six pillars, if you will, that really help move us from the insecure attachment styles to the secure attachment style. And just real quick on the attachment styles in case you're not sure or aware of that.

Matthew Darrah (08:38.574)

was gonna say we...

Bryan Power (08:39.443)

Yeah, so there's four attachment styles. Number one, you have a secure attachment style. These are people that really know how to communicate well, set good boundaries, really are emotionally more stable. just behave very well. They just do it right. if the relationship is important to them, but God forbid, if it doesn't work out for certain reasons, they're emotionally stable about it. They just accept it and move on. And that's just life. They're not distraught by it. not completely... Their lives aren't...

completely destroyed if they do break up and stuff. And that's where most of us want to be. We just want to know how to do those things, communicate, set boundaries, all those things. But I think unfortunately, most of us fall in one of the other three categories, which is your anxious preoccupied. That's somebody who really craves a lot of connection. A lot of times they're communicating a lot, maybe over texting sometimes, you 10 times a day. Always want to be in touch and in contact with their spouse and their loved one. Maybe they fall in love very quick too. Maybe after two weeks, they're already seeing wedding bells, everything.

The relationship just becomes the all-encompassing thing in their life and they will do anything to kind of keep the relationship at the forefront and to the point where it's unhealthy, to the point where, yeah, at times it can be codependency and some of that unhealthy behaviors kind of really creep in there and they forget a lot about themselves and a lot of times have resentment and stuff because they're doing things too much. But ultimately, they just, again, these are acting off of wounds that they don't even realize sometimes they're doing, but very unhealthy attachment style to be in.

On the flip side of that is what's called the dismissive avoidant. A lot of times dismissive avoidance have a hard time figuring out their emotions. If they do feel emotions, those are bad. We don't want to, we don't want to feel those, you know, it's not right to feel those. They typically have a wound of being like defective or feeling like they're broken. They can't, can't get it right. And they really crave a lot of independence, hyper independent. They definitely communicate a lot more with their actions. And so communication is difficult because they don't verbalize as much. They really think that their actions should speak enough.

Matthew Darrah (10:15.598)

you

Bryan Power (10:35.931)

So it can be a challenge. Now you can see if somebody is, you know, somebody is very anxious and somebody is more dismissive where they crave a lot of isolation. That can be real problem in a relationship. so, and so that's really where my wife and I were at the time when things really got bad. She was leaning a lot of dismissive and I was kind of getting the anxious as more she blamed into dismissive. It really brought more and more of my anxiety out. And so that's where a real problem became, you know, came out for us. But, and in between those is what's called a fearful avoidant. Fearful avoidance kind of have all these wounds and they

Matthew Darrah (10:43.362)

Yeah. absolutely.

Bryan Power (11:05.423)

they kind of swing both ways. One week they're anxious and they're feeling really connected and feeling loving and good. And maybe the following week they're all of sudden just creating chaos for no reason. It's lack of trust. All of a sudden they're maybe even breaking up with you or causing a fight or having some small issue become overwhelming to where it's just like kind of odd and becomes a little bit more chaotic. so.

Again, just a very unhealthy attachment style. And so when we have all these core wounds and that's really what's driving these unhealthy attachment styles is the core wounds and a lot of those core wounds develop in our childhood. And that's where I think foster parenting can be so valuable to helping these young kids not have as many wounds as possible and maybe being aware of these things can help us be better parents so that we don't pass these traits on to them. But those are the four attachment styles.

Matthew Darrah (11:32.354)

Mm.

Matthew Darrah (11:41.101)

Yeah.

Bryan Power (11:58.019)

So, Thais Gibson decided, okay, it's great to know what the attachment style is, okay? But how do we then fix it? And that's where she created the Integrated Attachment Theory program, which is the six pillars, which are number one, your core wounds, okay? Those are the subconscious thoughts and behaviors, beliefs that we have from our, again, usually from some sort of trauma that we've developed a lot of times in our early childhood. So, fear of abandonment, fear of being alone, fear of not being good enough, or, you know, fear of...

Matthew Darrah (12:14.254)

me.

Matthew Darrah (12:18.51)

Mm-hmm.

Bryan Power (12:24.215)

I'm broken, defective, all these different types of subconscious wounds that we're now playing in our own heads that are causing us to act in ways that we don't understand. And what I learned is that 95 to 97 % of our decisions in life are really made by the subconscious and that the conscious cannot outwill or overpower the subconscious. So even though consciously I want to do one thing, my subconscious wounds are actually going to drive it to do another thing that is going to take me a different place.

Matthew Darrah (12:39.681)

Right.

Matthew Darrah (12:43.672)

Mm-hmm.

Bryan Power (12:51.577)

And so consciously I may be thinking I'm doing one thing right, but subconsciously I'm behaving in a way that's not really healthy. And so we really have to fix these subconscious wounds, if you will. So the core wounds are number one and valuable. Number two, it's our needs. How do I learn to discover and uncover what my true needs are? And then how do I fill my needs mostly on my own? Because I don't wanna outsource my needs. I wanna be in control of those. And if I can fulfill most of my needs on my own, I'm gonna feel pretty good about my day and pretty good about my life. And so...

Matthew Darrah (13:07.96)

Mm-hmm.

Bryan Power (13:19.897)

That's invaluable, number two. Number three is our beliefs. Sorry, I like to talk about our emotions. Number three, like to talk, number three is emotions. And our emotions are invaluable. There's no good or bad emotion. It's just what are emotions telling us, right? And so if I'm angry, if I'm feeling hurt, if I'm feeling scared, or if I'm feeling happy or feeling joyful, what is the belief that's causing me to feel these emotions? And I have to just think deep into that because

Matthew Darrah (13:29.283)

Mm-hmm.

Bryan Power (13:47.323)

You know, it's one thing if you're scared because you're in the middle of the woods or and you're lost or saying that's natural per se. But if I'm scared for something that seemed, you know, just to maybe just take a walk down the road or just into a supermarket or something that seems a little odd that I would be scared in that instance. It may just be because I have a emotional trigger. I have a wound in there that's causing me to feel unsafe, if you will. And so I have to just look at that. What are my emotions?

Matthew Darrah (14:07.502)

Hmm.

Yeah.

Bryan Power (14:13.413)

telling me what can I, are my beliefs behind the emotion, if you will. So that's number three. Number four is our boundaries. That's a big one. How do we set boundaries? think, especially as parents, we forget sometimes how to set our own boundaries, boundaries with the kids, boundaries with our spouse, boundaries with our family members sometimes. And so that, you know, we can keep, keep ourselves together a little bit. I always say that boundaries are like the fence around the house and we're the house. And so the fence protects the house. And so I've got to be able to build a fence that's

Matthew Darrah (14:23.776)

Mm-hmm.

Matthew Darrah (14:38.83)

Mm-hmm. Yeah.

Bryan Power (14:42.575)

decent, that's not too extreme, but also not boundary lists where anybody can just come in and walk on me, right? And so boundaries are super important. Number of, yeah.

Matthew Darrah (14:50.828)

and hard to do, especially with insecure attachments, Setting those boundaries is not an easy thing to do.

Bryan Power (15:00.441)

Yeah, no doubt. All these things are challenging, but they do get better as you practice them. They do get better as you become more aware of them. And then little by little take some steps. It's all a process for sure. yeah, nothing's easy per se, but it definitely works and it definitely makes a difference when we do implement some of them. So that's number four. Number five is our communication. This was a huge one. How do we communicate in a way that actually works? And you know, my wife and I would always, you know, have these disagreements and

A lot of times in the past, I was listening to defend myself, okay, rather than listening to truly understand my wife. I think that's something a lot of us do. And my wife would always be like, well, you you're not listening to me. And I'd be like, of course I am. I'm listening because I want to defend myself and tell you why you're wrong and why that's not the truth. And that's not the way, okay. And that's not, my wife never felt heard, never felt, and she was right. I didn't understand what she was trying to convey to me because my wounds wouldn't allow that. So how do I listen in a way?

Matthew Darrah (15:40.91)

Thank

Bryan Power (15:53.455)

that actually I can listen to understand and try to truly learn from this woman who's trying to share her heart with me, trying to share her thoughts, her beliefs on this. a lot of times she's right, right? So I can't just poo poo them and think, you know, I'm always right. No. And a lot of times we just have, now we do things differently and we communicate in a way that, yeah, we listen to each other much more intensely and we have much better discussions. And there's some exercises that we do to help us along with that. And then last but not least is our behaviors. How do I change some of the negative behaviors into

more positive behaviors. You always say like, you know, God forbid I'm a little emotionally triggered, you know, instead of flying off the handle. Now I can maybe say, Hey, you know what? I'm going to grab my sneakers. I'm going to go for a little walk, maybe go outside for an hour or two, just walk around the block and I'll do this sometimes. It's a, it's a great one for me. I'll just grab my sneakers and walk for an hour. And after an hour, I can feel more emotionally regulated. I come back in the house and I'm more apt to have a better discussion and be able to kind of get through, you know, whatever experience we're going here in a much healthier way. So

Matthew Darrah (16:36.462)

We'll see.

Bryan Power (16:49.979)

changing my behaviors on a daily basis, just in a way that allows me to look more respectful, respect myself more, respect others more, and for them to be able look on and say, okay, this is a guy that has it together, and is it the crazy guy or something like that? those six core pillars, like you said, are challenging, but those six core pillars really move the needle when we learn how to utilize those every day and improve on them every day. And a little bit here, a little bit there, a little bit here, a little bit there.

next thing you know, how do you climb a thousand foot building? Well, a step at a time. And so that's all we got to do is just take a little step, little step, little step. And all of sudden, we're starting to get towards the top. And it's pretty exciting when you start to implement some of these and start to see some results. And actually it makes a difference. And you're like, okay, this is what a healthy relationship is supposed to look like. This is what healthy communication is like. This is how to set a boundary and be respectful of boundaries.

Matthew Darrah (17:23.885)

Yeah.

Bryan Power (17:46.333)

It's like, wow, what a game changer. So that's, that's the basic program. Yeah.

Matthew Darrah (17:49.774)

Excellent. so you've got these, what do you do to apply them? You've got these six things. this where they, how do they, what's the next step? They go through and okay, they figure out what their attachment style is, and then they've got these six pillars of the integrated attachment theory. What do they do to go through that?

Bryan Power (18:17.721)

Yeah, I think everybody's a little bit different as to where they need at that time. And so, you know, we're going to work with that a little bit individualized, but it's really just a matter of, again, where are you at? So maybe this week we're going to do a workbook on learning more about our needs. You know, how do we, you know, and there's great videos. Again, I challenge everybody to join the personal development school. That's the one that I went through and learned through Thais Gibson. And you can join that through my website. We'll talk about that later, but.

when you join that school, yeah, you can watch videos and then do some workbooks that actually begin to uncover our needs. We start to learn about our needs and start to be more aware of what really, what do I need every day to be happy? What do I need to really feel more fulfilled in my life? And then begin to, again, work in that manner so that, okay, I'm feeling better about my situation, my life, and I'm not needing my partner to fulfill my, and make me happy all the time because...

Matthew Darrah (18:45.624)

Mm.

Bryan Power (19:03.587)

If we're doing that and just relying on a partner to always make us happy, then that becomes very challenging, right? So, and maybe this week it's communication. Maybe, my God, you know, I know my wife and I, just had a little disagreement last night and it didn't go well because we didn't have that tool. We were not practicing, right? Maybe this week I need to do a communication exercise and learn some more about that. And so maybe it's again, it's a video, it's some videos, it's some workbooks that we can do to begin to kind of learn more how to communicate better. So it really just depends upon where.

that couple is at that time and we try to utilize that. But ultimately, we're trying to learn those six skills, if you will, in those six pillars. I truly believe that the heart of it is the core wounds. And so ultimately, we have to begin to really heal the core wounds because until we heal the core wounds, our subconscious is still gonna kind of drive the bus a little bit. But along the way, as we're healing the core wounds, we can still learn communication tools. We can still learn more about our needs. We can still learn how to change our behaviors. We begin to start pulling those other things in as well.

Matthew Darrah (19:37.998)

Yeah.

Matthew Darrah (19:47.298)

No doubt.

Matthew Darrah (19:59.203)

Yeah. So I read last fall, I did a book study over Dr. Perry and Dr. Bruce Perry's book that he wrote with Oprah called What Happened to You. So changing the conversation from what's wrong with you to what happened to you. Right. But one of the things that he talked about in that book was that we're receiving something like 11 million bits of data per second. And we can't process all of that. We can process

Bryan Power (20:14.661)

Mm-hmm.

Matthew Darrah (20:28.972)

maybe fix 50 to 60 bits, right? And so everything else is mapped onto.

how we felt in a previous situation. so if you don't work towards overcoming those wounds that you talked about, you're not gonna be able to move past it. Every time your wife says, you did this or didn't do that, you're thinking back to something in the past and getting that defensive or that kind of thing.

And you're not hearing what she's saying, you're defending and your body is literally feeling like it's back in that time in that previous experience, whatever the experience was that created that wound.

Bryan Power (21:21.647)

That's exactly right. Yeah, you're absolutely right. And I don't know the exact numbers of the brain and everything else, but yeah, the subconscious picks up so many signals and it's way more than the conscious brain does. So it's like the subconscious is getting fed constantly. yeah, what I learned is that I think a lot of this really stems from our childhood. And the first seven years of a child's life are extremely invaluable as far as how they begin to perceive life and begin to experience things.

Matthew Darrah (21:31.768)

Yeah. Yeah.

Bryan Power (21:48.347)

And those wounds are really developed there. And so if there is abandonment, if there is some argument, if there is some of these stuff that's going on, it really begins to affect children and they begin to process. And that's the filter they're going to see the world through. And so even though you can pick up some wounds later in life, absolutely, we can pick them up at any time in our lives. But a lot of it does stem back to our early childhood. And what happens is the child develops this way of viewing the world and seeing things to protect itself. And it learns how to protect itself and manage and survive.

Matthew Darrah (22:01.016)

Yeah.

Bryan Power (22:18.107)

through their childhood with these things in this situation. Unfortunately, we take that into our adult lives. And now when we take these wounds into our adult lives and our relationships in our adult lives, it's now, we're seeing it through a broken perceptive, a broken filter, if you will. And so we have this distorted view of how things are supposed to go. And that's where now we're having these relationships in a broken manner and not being able to communicate and filter it properly. And that's where it causes a lot of these problems. And it doesn't matter if it came from a really

Matthew Darrah (22:35.544)

Yeah.

Bryan Power (22:46.767)

broken home like I did, my wife and I came from pretty dysfunctional homes if you will, you can come from a pretty healthy family and some pretty good stuff there but a child still can have wounds and still can kind of develop some issues if you will, even if they come from a very good home and so it's just, it's important that we're aware as much as possible and not add to the trauma for a child as much as possible because even if we do it really well sometimes kids can still have some problems growing up and still have some.

Matthew Darrah (22:49.848)

Mm-hmm. Yeah.

Matthew Darrah (22:57.698)

Sounds great.

Bryan Power (23:15.631)

different unhealthy views, if you will, and still develop trauma there, you know?

Matthew Darrah (23:18.286)

Absolutely, for sure. So what would you say is the most common that you've seen of attachment styles? What do you think there?

Bryan Power (23:29.645)

I mean, I truly believe that a lot of us are fearful avoidant and we can tend to lean more anxious or we can tend to lean a little bit more dismissive depending upon the situation and the relationship. But I do think a lot of people are more in that fearful avoidance side where we just have a lot of these different wounds and we do kind of lean one way or the other. But if you were to kind of pick one or the other, I think a lot of women may lean more anxious and a lot of men probably lean a little bit more dismissive in that regard because men are typically taught, know, boys don't cry, go to your room.

deal with that and women, it's okay to share their emotions. It's okay to be a little bit more emotional. And so in general, you may see a little bit more, you know, AP from females and a little bit more, you know, dismissive avoidance from, from males. But I do think a lot of us fall in that fearful of side and we have a little bit of both and we can kind of lean into the anxious or lean into the dismissive depending, but, it doesn't matter either way. They're all unhealthy and that's, it doesn't even matter which way you lean as much. They're all just coping mechanisms and that's the thing. So whether you're dismissive, anxious or fearful.

Matthew Darrah (24:23.363)

Yeah. Exactly.

Bryan Power (24:28.987)

At the end of the day, it doesn't matter. It's all about those core wounds. How do I fix those? do I begin to heal those so that I can now really be healthy and happy and free and not be living in this wounded state? And really that's the key. whether I don't, it doesn't matter to me as much of the label that we put on it per se. I think it's just a good idea of how we can view it and puts us in a category where we can, okay, we can understand each other a little bit more. Person that works this way kind of maybe leans dismissive. Person that kind of acts this way may lean a little bit more anxious, but at the end of day.

Matthew Darrah (24:51.833)

Mm-hmm.

Bryan Power (24:58.735)

Those are just categories, but it's the wounds and the other stuff that we really need to focus on.

Matthew Darrah (25:03.823)

And what do you think or how do you go about healing from those wounds? Is that work that you work individually with individuals to go through or do you have things that you see that help or...

Bryan Power (25:18.371)

Yeah. Yeah, absolutely. so again, I challenge everybody to join the personal development school through my website. You can go to myrelationshipfail.com. You can take the attachment style quiz for free. First and foremost, you can find out what your attachment style is. That's fun to do. And then join the personal development school, which is again, Thais Gibson School. And in there, again, we can watch a ton of videos at your leisure when you're ready to do it, your timing. And there's

great videos and workbooks so that we can again work through certain situations. And then there's exercises that you can do that can help depending upon your situation and what you're dealing with. So there are exercises to say heal some of those core wounds and we can begin to do some different things that may move the needle a little bit. And you can do this all on your own if you like, or again, if you want, like a coach, that's where I'm here to help and kind of give you some advice, maybe push you along a little bit, maybe give you a steer you in one way or the other. So it kind of helped you kind of move the needle a little bit faster.

I'll also give you a free session. if you go to my website, sign up, I'll be happy to talk to you and let's do a free strategy session and you know, get you get you started. So by all means.

Matthew Darrah (26:17.955)

Yeah. So do you have a really good story of, I mean, obviously your own situation, but do you have, you you saw somebody that was just really, really struggling that you can talk, obviously not, you know, breaking any privacy or anything like that, but, you know, just a really, really good example.

Bryan Power (26:36.227)

I mean, it's first and foremost in that school that I talk about, there's a bunch, there's a big group, there's daily webinars and there's a really great group of people that are doing the same thing that we're doing, learning, growing, changing, you know, and just absolutely getting great results and moving the needle in amazing ways. Some really wonderful discussions in there. Awesome, awesome, awesome opportunity. But yeah, in my own world, as far as, I have some friends, I have a good friend of mine actually who went through a very similar situation as mine and learned a lot of these types of tools and about a year and a half.

It took them, him and his wife were separated. But ultimately, through a lot of the work and healing and stuff that they were able to do, they're actually back together and doing very well. And so again, I'm a big believer that when you do the work and you learn and you heal and you grow, anything can happen. And it does, including your spouse coming back into your life, or if God forbid the cases that that kind of is damaged too far and it doesn't come back around, at least the work that you do will set you up to have a good opportunity to be.

Matthew Darrah (27:08.655)

Hmm.

Bryan Power (27:33.019)

with the right person and ultimately have a better relationship with somebody. And yeah, if you're in that parenting world, like a lot of you guys are, foster parenting is challenging and it's got so many challenges on their own and bringing kids into there just makes it more. So I think having these tools, learning how to set some boundaries, really how to communicate with our spouse where we're kind of feeling more emotionally triggered or we got this new situation with these kids and everything else going on, like how do we navigate that? That is really challenging. And if you don't have these tools, that's gonna really be hard.

Matthew Darrah (28:02.639)

One of the critical things that I see is that there's hope, right? We may have struggles, whatever the struggles are. You know, we were watching through SVU, right? Law and Order SVU. And these are way, way old episodes, 90s, early 2000s. And the doctor on there was like talking about how

at the time in psychiatry, they said, you know, well, by 18, you're set, like you're done. There's no fixing, there's no hope. You are who you are. And that's what they really believed. And all the research that they're doing now is that there is hope. We can look back and we can see the wounds and we can heal and move forward and do...

Do better, be a better parent, be a better spouse, be a better employee, all the things. There is hope. We are, I think, more resilient than what we think we are. And if you're willing to do the work, change is possible.

Bryan Power (29:14.233)

Yeah.

Bryan Power (29:22.875)

Oh yeah, absolutely. That's a lie from the pit of hell that you are locked in at 18. I don't believe that at all. Absolutely. And science is actually proving this. We can actually create new neurogenesis through neurogenesis. can create these new neuro pathways right in our brains. So it's even being scientifically proven that we can absolutely change. And that's the thing about Thais Gibson's work is, you know, we weren't born with these attachment styles. These attachment styles were developed through our lives because of our situations and the way we're kind of perceiving things. So these learn

Matthew Darrah (29:33.133)

Right. Right. Yeah.

Bryan Power (29:52.195)

Behaviors these learn thoughts and beliefs can actually be changed and we can actually learn new beliefs new thought patterns And completely change the way we're doing this you can move from one of these unhealthy attachment styles to a healthier attachment style And it takes some work it takes it some people are gonna get it faster some people maybe takes a little bit more time Everybody's situation is a little bit different per se but you can absolutely move the needle the more you learn and grow and begin to heal these things Absolutely, you're not stuck by any means that's that's that's false

Matthew Darrah (30:16.355)

Yeah. No, no, like it, like it. I mean, it took 45 years to get to where I'm at today. It's not going to happen over the next three weeks that I'm just going to get fixed. mean, it takes time and effort. But like say, to me, the most important piece is that there is hope. can, we can overcome the past and, and, and, and,

Bryan Power (30:23.453)

It's right. Yeah.

Bryan Power (30:40.791)

yeah.

Matthew Darrah (30:43.939)

Be better, be a better parent, be a better spouse. mean, there's hope and that just to me is so important for us to kind of get down in the core is that I am this way, but I don't have to be this way. There's hope, there's change.

Bryan Power (30:59.419)

Yeah.

Bryan Power (31:03.131)

The thing I loved about her program was those six core elements because when I looked at those, it gives me six things that I can look at. And I can say, oh wow, yeah, I'm noticing I have some wounds. I notice I have these core wounds, right? And there's lists of core wounds that we can go through. Oh yeah, those resonate with me. Oh yeah, I realize I need to get more in tune with my personal needs, okay? And then as I discover those, I go, oh wait a second, of course, that makes sense why I'm not happy in this job because it's not fulfilling my true needs, right? And so...

Matthew Darrah (31:10.5)

Yeah.

Matthew Darrah (31:30.509)

Yeah.

Bryan Power (31:31.099)

You know, so if I'm not in the right position there, maybe I need to make a change and again, learn that, right? And then getting more control of my emotions, learning from my emotions, understanding that my emotions are there to help me, not to hurt me. They're there to help me learn and be aware and protect me. But how do I do that? Like, how do I do all that? And once I start to take this puzzle and kind of put it together and start to see that it makes a really beautiful painting, like it's amazing. But until you learn that and start to...

put these pieces together, it just seems like a chaotic mess and you don't really understand it. That is the thing. I had no tools and I always say there's nothing worse in the world than losing the person you love simply because you don't have the tools necessary to keep them. And a lot of us just don't have these tools. weren't given them. Maybe again, parenting's we didn't see it. It wasn't displayed to us. Nobody taught us along the way. Now we're just winging it. And of course it's very challenging when we're just winging it.

Matthew Darrah (31:59.524)

Mm.

Matthew Darrah (32:09.977)

Hmm.

Bryan Power (32:22.543)

But when we can see something that has some structure that we can work towards and slowly build on and build some momentum and have a head of steam on that. It's a game changer. tell you, I'm night and day, my wife and I, thought we had a pretty good relationship before, but the relationship we shared today through this experience and all the knowledge that we've gained, the awareness that we have, and the way we handle things differently today, man, it's beautiful. And I wish everybody could learn some of these tools because it's a whole different experience.

doing things this way in a healthier way than the way we were just kind of doing it before and letting our wounds or our own bad perception and all these other things destroy us slowly. was like death by a thousand paper cuts. It's like not one fight that ended it. It was just little fights over time. Nobody's communicating. We're not getting through. And that's eventually, think, where a lot of us land. It's like we all fall in love or life is great. We meet our partner. We get married. We're going to have this wonderful life together. But slowly but surely,

Matthew Darrah (33:00.719)

Yeah.

Bryan Power (33:16.091)

we begin to have these struggles and we begin to put ourselves in and all of sudden five years, 10 years later, whatever it might be. Now, all of a sudden we're really just kind of frustrated and we feel exhausted and we feel like giving up because we haven't learned how to move the needle and we haven't learned how to move this together in a way cohesively that actually really works. And so it doesn't mean that we don't love the person we're with. Sometimes it's just, we don't know how to do it together. And that's the problem, you know? But yeah, if you haven't been given the tools, it's understandable.

Matthew Darrah (33:37.315)

Right.

Matthew Darrah (33:41.039)

Yeah, and learning. Well, yeah, if you didn't get the tools growing up, you've got to get the tools somewhere. But the tools are there, and the healing is possible, and a great marriage is possible. you're willing to do the work and look and get the tools, like you said, I mean...

Bryan Power (33:46.885)

That's right.

That's right. They are.

Yeah, for sure.

Bryan Power (34:06.211)

And while we're talking about that real quick, I always want to make sure that people know that even if your spouse doesn't want to do this with you, if you see there are issues, do it for yourself. I always put it, somebody put it to me this way I love this, two is better than one, but one is better than none. And so one person doing this work, one person learning this stuff, one person changing and adapting and doing things different can absolutely change the dynamics of your relationship. And your partner will follow along eventually.

Matthew Darrah (34:20.408)

Yeah.

Bryan Power (34:33.465)

A lot of times they'll eventually figure it out and go, wow, this has changed. This is different. What are you learning? Maybe they even jump in there with you and want to learn it too. But if nothing else, start doing this for yourself and start making these changes. And you'd be surprised at how much your relationship can change just by you changing. Yeah. One person. Absolutely.

Matthew Darrah (34:48.249)

just by figuring yourself out, doing the work yourself. Yeah, because I mean, can't, you're just like, it's them, they have to do, in order for me to get better, they have to get better. Well, that's not gonna.

Bryan Power (35:00.761)

Yeah, yeah, or I'm not, right. I'm not going to do anything until they, until they do it. Well, that's not going to help anything. Okay. That's just going to delay the pain and suffering, you know? Yeah.

Matthew Darrah (35:09.613)

Yeah, for sure. Absolutely. So what are some things that you would suggest that parents could do tomorrow, starting next week? What are some activities and things that they could do together to really kind of help benefit their marriage?

Bryan Power (35:31.619)

I mean, that's a little bit individualized. mean, for me, I always gonna push people towards learning this stuff and where can you learn it? I truly believe personal development school is a great place to go. Go to my website again, myrelationshipfail.com and you can start to get involved. The first thing you can do is watch that video that I watched, right? Learn Thais Gibson on the Mel Robbins podcast. You can YouTube that. It's an hour and 15 minutes. That is a game changer. If you're excited after watching that video,

Then again, follow up, maybe go to my website, start learning how to kind of do this stuff, do this work. And yeah, if your spouse wants to come along with you, great, then you can do some of this together and really be kind of delve into it. And that can be super exciting when you get two people on board, that's great. But even if not, and you decide you want to do it yourself, then start getting involved, start figuring this out. And again, yeah, just take it slow. And yeah, you never know. But everybody's a little bit different where you're kind of at today.

Matthew Darrah (36:22.839)

Yeah. Sure. Yeah.

Bryan Power (36:25.883)

and where you want to go. But I feel like this is just a great place to start and then figure it out. Because until you figure out where you are and where you need to go, then we're just kind of floating.

Matthew Darrah (36:30.19)

Yeah, for sure.

Matthew Darrah (36:34.735)

Yeah, and I'll put links to the... I listen to the Mel Robbins show. I'm actually in the middle. I'm actually reading. I set a goal at the start of this year that Monday mornings from 930 to 1030, I'm going to read. I'm going to... Personal development, business development, whatever it is, I'm going to read. And so I'm working through the Let Them Theory right now. And her work is really good. But yeah, so I'll put a link down to that.

Bryan Power (36:39.225)

Yeah, she's great.

Bryan Power (37:00.325)

Thanks.

Matthew Darrah (37:03.161)

to that episode and then to your website and things like that. But like you say, the important thing is to start.

Bryan Power (37:11.546)

Yeah.

Matthew Darrah (37:12.375)

figure out a way to, it's not gonna get better just doing what you've been doing, right? I mean, that's not gonna help. And so start, figure out, whether it's your program or something, but there is hope for a better relationship and a better marriage, being a better parent and all the things, if you're willing to do the work. And that to me is what's just so important is that there is hope.

to be better, you know?

Bryan Power (37:45.241)

Yeah. And then, and then other things like date night and some of those things. Yeah. Those are great things, of course, but I think we can have date night, but if we don't really fix these other issues, date night can turn into a not so great date, you know? And so, so to me, it's like, let's do this work and then we can have wonderful date nights and the date nights get even better. And then you want to have great date nights. And, and all of a sudden you are having great night date nights and it just comes more naturally. It's

Matthew Darrah (37:48.334)

Yeah

Matthew Darrah (37:53.113)

Yeah.

Matthew Darrah (37:57.911)

Yeah.

Bryan Power (38:10.703)

Let's put this out more on autopilot, not in the unhealthy style. Let's put it in the autopilot into a healthy zone where now we're just doing these things second nature and boy, it just works. And now parenting becomes a little bit easier. My wife and I are much better parents today because of the work we've done. And she has completely changed her way of parenting and really connects with the kids much more deeply. you know, our kids have a voice today that, you know, they may not have had had we continued on the pattern that we were on. And some of those unhealthy patterns that,

you know, we're showing that we don't even see kids pick up. You know, if I'm showing anxiety, my son is gonna recognize it even if I don't. And so, wow, wait a second, how powerful it is if I can get to the healing spot and my kids are seeing parents who are healthy, secure, happy, know how to communicate together, know how to solve problems, know how to handle their cell. Like what a difference it is for kids to see that. And that to me is where my wife and I are main focus.

Matthew Darrah (38:42.733)

yeah.

Bryan Power (39:07.799)

is to not pass a lot of these poor issues, a lot of our trauma onto our kids. That is our main goal. Like we love each other, but we absolutely wanna not pass this on to our kids. We want our kids to have really great lives and that's our goal for them. So it challenges us to continue to do the work, know? Yeah.

Matthew Darrah (39:25.561)

For sure. mean, because yeah, I mean, we, the sins of the father carried out to the third and fourth generation, right? And so if we just do what we saw, they're gonna be in the same boat you're in 30 years from now, right? And so we have got to, we gotta do the work ourselves so that we can then turn around and be better, be better spouses, be better parents and things like that.

Bryan Power (39:32.553)

yeah.

Bryan Power (39:40.549)

Yeah.

Bryan Power (39:53.659)

And a lot of it is, it is generational. You know, we just learn it from my father learned it from his father. And so that, you know, we're breaking generational curses, if you will. And the buck stops with me and my wife, you know, we're going to, we're going to do things differently than they ever did. And so we don't always do it perfectly, but, um, I think we're doing it pretty good. And, uh, yeah, very thankful for that.

Matthew Darrah (39:58.116)

Yeah.

Matthew Darrah (40:01.579)

Right.

Matthew Darrah (40:10.511)

Yeah. Well, and know, and perfection's not a goal, right? It's not possible. being aware that, you know, you talked about climbing the stairs one at a time. mean, it's not an overnight change. Watch this video and you're going to be done. You're good, right? This is hard, sometimes of a slog of work. But it's process, step by step.

Bryan Power (40:15.29)

It's out of time, yeah.

Bryan Power (40:30.0)

day.

Matthew Darrah (40:38.543)

healing from those wounds, setting those boundaries, understanding emotions, realizing, you know, how do I attach to this person and how do they attach to me? Just understanding that. If I had understood that 20 years ago with my wife and I, man, would have solved so many problems.

Bryan Power (40:53.466)

Yeah.

Bryan Power (40:58.681)

Yeah. Yeah, same here. No, if I, if I had understood attachment theory before my wife and I really started to kind of fall apart in that way, it might've, it might've been able to stop the train wreck, you know, absolutely. but yeah, no, you know, that's, I agree, man. Just, yeah, be open to that. And, yeah, let's, just do the work. Yep. Things, things, know, and, here's the other thing real quick. It doesn't have to take years. You know, sometimes we talk about this. it's so much work. It's so much work. It is work, but you know what? In two months, three months.

Matthew Darrah (41:08.559)

Amen.

Bryan Power (41:26.843)

you can see major differences in just a couple of months. And then, you as you continue down the line, it just continues to get better and better. And then all of a sudden you kind of hit a nice crescendo. But at that point, now you're at a pretty good level and you know what, then you continue to get better maybe. at least at that point, you're at a point where your relationship is working fairly well and you've got things really working in a nice way. And sometimes it can just be a matter of a couple of months to really be a game changer. So and then just take it from there, continue to get better and better, you know.

Matthew Darrah (41:29.534)

sure.

Matthew Darrah (41:54.605)

Yeah, I think the key is to start, right? Just start, take the steps, do the first thing. Take the attachment quiz, figure out where you're at. Maybe get your wife to figure out where they're at and just start. I think maybe be discontent enough to be willing to start, right?

Bryan Power (41:57.303)

Absolutely.

Bryan Power (42:04.72)

Yeah.

Bryan Power (42:17.805)

Yeah. And unfortunately, you know, sometimes it takes a complete failure like, like my wife and I had, and that's why I call my, my business, make your relationship fail or my relationship fail. Because we talked about how sometimes, unfortunately, it does take us hitting rock bottom before we're willing to take a look at ourselves. Right. And, and I really hope that most, most people don't have to get there. you know, if you can recognize, Hey, we are having some issues. I noticed there's a struggle. This is getting a little bit frustrating.

Matthew Darrah (42:33.262)

Yeah.

Bryan Power (42:43.195)

That's the time to take a look. Those are the little red flags. Those are the signals saying, Hey, you know what? There's a problem. Let's fix this. Let's work on that before it gets to that real critical stage. know, so try to grab it sooner rather than later. And you can avoid, you know, hopefully the real breakups and the real, you know, divorce and restraining orders and craziness like, like my wife and I had to go through to get here. But, but even if you do end up at that rock bottom spot, again, there is hope there's always change or things can happen. I promise you hang in there. Don't panic. Just, just focus, relax.

Matthew Darrah (42:50.639)

Yeah.

Bryan Power (43:12.899)

and do some of this work and realize that you're being given a chance to change. And that's the beauty of hitting rock bottom because I used to think I was being punished with these things. I felt like I was always being punished. Instead, I realized now I'm being given an opportunity to grow, to learn, to change and not stay stuck in something that is mediocre. I'm not staying stuck in a relationship that is broken and unhealthy. I'm being given an opportunity to actually fix this in a way that actually can really be wonderful.

Matthew Darrah (43:27.887)

Mm.

Matthew Darrah (43:33.764)

Mm.

Bryan Power (43:38.871)

And hopefully that's what happens for you. But if nothing else and you fix yourself and you begin to get to a point where, wow, I know how to handle myself. I promise you something great is going to happen from this. It's all meant for good in the long run. we do take the necessary steps to do that, right? If we take the steps to learn, I always say they call it a breakup, not a breakdown. So we're going to break upwards. That means we're going to level up. We're going to use this experience to level up. We're not going to use it to...

to completely let it ruin our lives. We're just gonna learn from it and change. And at the end, it's gonna actually be a better thing for us.

Matthew Darrah (44:10.159)

Yeah, absolutely. Well, man, Brian, thank you for reaching out and I love your work. I read your story on your site and I was like, man, this is, like I said, so many foster parents just, it is such a struggle to ensure that the kids feel safe and secure and stable and loved and all the things that the marriage really gets put on the back burner.

Bryan Power (44:33.455)

Yeah.

Matthew Darrah (44:39.723)

And so I'm gracious and grateful that you contacted me to get on here today. And again, we'll put the links to the podcast episode and to your website and the attachment quiz and things like that on there. And so any parting thoughts for us?

Bryan Power (45:01.337)

Yeah, no, I just want to thank you so much, Matt, for having me on the show again today and being able to share this information with people. I have a heart to really just, I have a goal of just trying to save as many relationships and marriages as possible by sharing this information. And so that's my mission. And for you to allow me to opportunity to be here to do that today was extreme gratitude towards you. And yeah, I just hope and pray that anybody out there who's listening was struggling. You know, I know that it can be challenging and parenting and relationships.

boy, it's hard, it's gonna push you. As a new parent, my son's not five and a half years old, I know how hard it is to be a parent. And it's challenging, it's gonna bring out the best and worst of us, but I truly believe that the relationship has to be important too. We have to make sure that our spouse we're focusing on that too and not forget and neglect them because we're partners. We're partners in this and we want our kids to see good, healthy partners and how good, healthy relationships work. so...

So yeah, don't forget each other when you're really trying to help everybody else and the kids. I think it's beautiful. I think foster parenting is an amazing thing. I have nothing but mad respect for people who choose to do that. And I hope maybe even someday I'd be a foster parent. I've always thought about it. So it's something that I'm open to myself, but yeah, I love you guys for what you're doing. And thanks so much for having me on the show today, Matt. Really appreciate it. Yeah.

Matthew Darrah (46:03.427)

Yeah. Yeah.

Matthew Darrah (46:11.807)

Absolutely, Brian. Thank you guys so much. And thank you again to Amarillo National Bank for your grant to support our placement packages. That just means the world that you guys continue to support us in that way. Guys, next week we're going to have Denise Kendrick on. She runs Embrace down in Dallas, Embrace, Texas. They do some amazing, amazing work. They fostered and adopted. Brian, they have nine kids. Nine kids.

Bryan Power (46:39.579)

God bless him, that's awesome. Wow.

Matthew Darrah (46:41.323)

Yeah, yes. They've had several bio kids and they've adopted several through foster care. The work that they do down there in Dallas is beautiful and their story is amazing. so guys, be sure to like, subscribe and share and all that things. Yeah. And then, then tune in next week. Thanks.

Bryan Power (46:45.497)

Man.

Bryan Power (46:49.071)

That's amazing.

Bryan Power (46:57.979)

I'm gonna tune in for that one.

Bryan Power (47:05.467)

Awesome, thanks Matt.