A Place to Anchor: Parenting, Trauma and the Power of Connection with Debbie Simmons
- 1 day ago
- 44 min read
Hello and welcome to All Things Foster, a place for coffee, connection, and community. I'm excited to have Debbie on with us today with AnchorPoint, but before we get to her, Sundy Sharp with AMC Mortgage here in Amarillo is a residential mortgage provider and she specializes in first-time home buyers to help them start their journey towards generational wealth. She's a local lender, but is licensed to write mortgages for the whole state of Texas.
They have lots of special loans available. AMC is an equal housing lender. Call or text her today at 806-683-0313 or check out their website, Buy With Sunday, www.buywithsunday.com. That's buywithsundy.com or amcmtg.com.
And I say this so often on the podcast, our sponsors are great folks and Sundy is just an awesome, awesome lady. And so if you need mortgage to help, give her a call and she can help you out. So Debbie, thank you so much for coming on today and being willing to talk with us about your experiences.
Debbie Simmons (01:20.315)
Yeah, I'm excited to be here with you guys. It's going to be fun.
Matt Darrah (01:23.372)
Yeah, so let's talk just a little bit about who you are and kind of what brings you here. So you're a mom of nine, right? And so you have some bio and some adopted, is that right?
Debbie Simmons (01:38.568)
I get lots of fun titles, okay? So I actually have lost children. I was pregnant with quads and they passed away. And then we looked into several years later, we looked into adopting. And so we have adopted three times, three different sibling groups that give us nine children today. And then now I get to be called Lolly because
Matt Darrah (02:06.112)
Mm-hmm.
Debbie Simmons (02:07.099)
have about 15 grandbabies that I get to spend time with. So I get lots of fun titles from that perspective. So my nine children are all adopted, a sibling group of five, a sibling group of two, and then a sibling group of two. Yeah, so that's who I am.
Matt Darrah (02:13.256)
Absolutely. Wow.
Matt Darrah (02:22.222)
you
That's amazing. And so, and you're the CEO of AnchorPoint, right?
Debbie Simmons (02:30.287)
Yes, I am. It's a ministry that I founded about 15 years ago because I knew that we needed to help families know how to thrive because a lot of times we as families get overwhelmed and then we isolate and we think we're the only ones dealing with something and I'm going when I hear some of the struggles I'm like, girlfriend that was me too. It's all right, we got this, we can do this. And so
Matt Darrah (02:55.266)
Right.
Debbie Simmons (02:59.587)
AnchorPoint is there just to help families learn how to thrive, learn how to grow, and to be successful in raising children that can be our next generation of people to carry us forward. So that's a fun thing to be able to come alongside people and do.
Matt Darrah (03:17.772)
Yeah, that's awesome. So what kind of precipitated the journey into starting this nonprofit?
Debbie Simmons (03:28.591)
Yeah, so all of this came off of, if you look at kind of how God took me on my story of my life is the process of wanting to be pregnant, getting pregnant with quads, and that was a many, many year journey. And then the boys were born at 26 weeks and they placed each one of them into my arms as they were born and I held them until they passed away.
And if it would have been today, we probably medically could have saved them now, but because it was so many years ago, that was not an option. And I remember clearly sitting in that hospital room that night, you don't go to the hospital planning for funerals, you know, and here I said, and I'm like, I don't know how to get through here. And what I knew was that eternity mattered.
Matt Darrah (04:19.79)
anything.
Mm.
Debbie Simmons (04:23.309)
I wanted my life to make a difference. And so I needed to be very intentional from that day forward. I didn't want life to just pass me by. And so that kind of became the mantra that I live by is, we're all gonna leave legacies one day. Are we gonna craft the legacies that we leave? So we have to live them now. And that became my intention. as I walked through my grief process,
Matt Darrah (04:30.488)
Right.
Matt Darrah (04:45.39)
Yeah.
Debbie Simmons (04:51.939)
And then I got to a point where I was like, okay, I think I can survive this. I was like, God, how can you redeem this story? And I'm gonna let you have this story and you use it and you show me how to, because I desperately wanted to live. I didn't want to be emotionally dead. So was like, I wanna feel again. I wanna have joy. I wanna be able to make a difference. I want all these things, teach me how to do this.
Matt Darrah (04:58.67)
Mmm. Yeah.
Matt Darrah (05:12.322)
Mm-hmm.
Debbie Simmons (05:21.635)
As I went through that process, that started me being able to work with families who had lost children, lead grief groups, led us to the adoption, okay? And then once we were seven into the adoption, God's like, planted the seed to start this ministry. And I was like, okay. And so we started and, you I don't know anything about a nonprofit, but faithfully started walking through it.
Matt Darrah (05:38.53)
you
Matt Darrah (05:46.35)
Yeah.
Debbie Simmons (05:50.061)
And God just continued to open doors and open doors, teach me things and stuff like that. And then that has led to the writing of my book, The Heart of Legacy, How to Live a Focused, Faithful and Fearless Life. And then now the speaking and teaching that I do of families and leaders throughout the country, all of that comes because of walking through losing boys.
And my boy's legacy lives on while I am being very intentional about living mine now so that I can leave it later. I mean, it would be a cool thing to be in heaven and another girl is blessed by the Ministry of AnchorPoint and I'm watching and I'm going, that's so cool. I have started that, you know. So that's how it all kind of got started. And it's just been kind of a roller coaster ride the whole time. And it's been such a blessing to just.
Matt Darrah (06:13.41)
Yeah.
Matt Darrah (06:29.408)
Absolutely.
Debbie Simmons (06:40.114)
try and stay in the center of what God wants me to do and be faithful to it each step of the way.
Matt Darrah (06:45.902)
Absolutely. mean, you know, when we allow him, he can turn these deep, difficult, painful struggles, like you said, he can redeem it and use it to bless others. I mean, it's just so important.
Debbie Simmons (06:55.154)
Mm-hmm.
Yeah!
Debbie Simmons (07:08.252)
Definitely.
Matt Darrah (07:08.43)
So what do you guys do at AnchorPoint? What do y'all focus on? I know you said it's building families. What kind of things do you guys do?
Debbie Simmons (07:17.714)
Mm-hmm.
Sure, I like to put couched under the phrase giving families hope. OK, and what does that mean? You know, but we do that through several different pieces of our ministry. We have a medical clinic that works with young girls and guys and individuals that find themselves in an unplanned pregnancy situation that are going. my gosh, I don't know what to do and we come alongside them and give them education. Teach them walk along medically whatever they need to.
learn how to maneuver in this new life situation, right? And it's so much fun to come alongside them because they're just overwhelmed. And if you just have someone that can get you to breathe and take a minute, you can figure your way. And so we wanna do that. As they go through that, they also have an opportunity to go through our Hope Family Center, which is where we do case management, one-on-one coaching and walking alongside them because...
I don't know about you, but any child that I have in my life, they did not come with an instruction manual. The kid is the instruction manual. And so how do we help them work through this so that they can be successful as parents? And so we do this case management walking alongside them. We have a maternity home that works with girls that are homeless and pregnant. And so we're working with them 24/7 and.
Matt Darrah (08:24.086)
Yeah.
Debbie Simmons (08:44.557)
After about 18, 24 months, how can we get you set up so that you can take care of yourself and your baby and you look at everything, spiritually, mentally, emotionally, jobs, physically, everything with this young lady to walk alongside of her. And then last but not least, we have our home community, which is our community initiatives in parenting education, prenatal education, looking at our...
pathway to hope camps for families who have kids that are struggling and don't quite know what to do with them. And then abuse recovery from sexual abuse to abortion to trauma in general that affects us as parents. those are just so many multitudes and thousands of people that we get to touch each and every year and help them figure out how to thrive. And that's what we want to do.
Matt Darrah (09:16.536)
Right.
Matt Darrah (09:35.31)
Wow, that's a lot. That is a lot that you guys are doing. That's amazing. Yeah, and like I said before, when you see God, take your pain and turn it and use it to impact others, to be a benefit to others, and it's just, wow, just wow. That's awesome.
Debbie Simmons (09:41.627)
Thank you.
Debbie Simmons (10:01.989)
Yeah, it's been fun to be a part of it.
Matt Darrah (10:05.134)
I can imagine seeing some lives changed because of the work that you do.
Debbie Simmons (10:10.343)
Well, I like to say, one of the fun things I like to do is I go, I realize how much impact we have by the height of the children. And like now some of them are turning 15 and they're like my height. And I'm like, oh my gosh, you're so big. So it's been fun.
Matt Darrah (10:23.382)
Yeah, right.
Matt Darrah (10:27.08)
Yeah, he kind of Lolly's for lots of kiddos out there.
Debbie Simmons (10:32.825)
Yeah, yeah, so it's really neat. As the taller they get, I'm like, hey, this is really big.
Matt Darrah (10:39.518)
I stinking cool. what did you see was kind of the biggest need that wasn't being addressed and that really kind of put this on your heart to help them? What do you think the biggest need was?
Debbie Simmons (10:55.909)
Well, I always think, you know, a lot of people don't have... When you get in a very, very stressful situation, your world closes in real quickly because you go into protection mode and you can't even really see your way out. so most of us, because this is the way God's designed us, God's designed us to live in community. So when we face overwhelming things, whether it's an unplanned pregnancy,
whether it is an adoption or fostering and I feel like I'm a failure, whatever it is, what we do is we shut down and we pull away and then we start saying this phrase, why me, why this, why, why, why, why, why, you know, and why is such a stuck question? Because the truth of the matter is this side of heaven, any answer that we get for why that somebody would give us, our next question will be why?
Matt Darrah (11:44.312)
too.
Matt Darrah (11:54.914)
Mm. Yeah.
Debbie Simmons (11:55.637)
ain't good enough answer. And you know, same thing with me with my boys. Why? You know, and I am like just clinging to that because it feels like it's my last bit of control that I have. I could just get this, right? And so I think safe spaces for you and I to walk through our stuff.
Matt Darrah (12:08.984)
Yeah.
Debbie Simmons (12:19.88)
is the most needed thing, especially when we're dealing with the life of the child and the mother and the overwhelm there and the huge choices that come out of that, that have impact for life, right? And so those spaces where people can just be loved and be known for who they are and
just sit in my mess with me is so powerful to say, hey, you got this. If someone can see in me my value and see in me that I can do more and call that out of me when I can't see it myself. So they're really borrowing my ability to see that they can.
Matt Darrah (13:07.608)
Yeah.
Matt Darrah (13:12.227)
Yeah.
Debbie Simmons (13:12.968)
through, right? And so that in my mind is the biggest thing that we need because you and I carry so much weight of guilt, of baggage, of shame, and all this stuff that wants to take us out. the community of being known for who I am and someone still seeing my value and my worth changes everything.
Matt Darrah (13:41.262)
Absolutely. Part of the reason we started this podcast was because it's a place for coffee connection and community. especially through our work with foster families, they do. They feel so isolated and so alone. Nobody understands what I'm going through. Life is busy. It's crazy. It's chaotic. And so when we...
Debbie Simmons (13:50.621)
Mm-hmm.
Matt Darrah (14:09.4)
kind of when I went, honestly, when God put this podcast on my heart, it was partly to create that community. You know, we may not, we may not be, we may not physically be sitting across the table, but we can still share a cup of coffee together and share stories and hear impact. You know, so one week we have a foster and adoptive family on the next week, we have somebody that can provide some kind of support because we
We desperately need community. It's like nobody understands what I'm going through, right? But there are people that understand.
Debbie Simmons (14:43.76)
Yeah. Well, I think the trick is Satan wants to convince us that nobody knows what we feel. And the truth is, is that when we are brave and we'll reach out, we'll find the people that we need in our lives. And that, you know, it takes being brave because that's one of the wonderful things that I love about our Pathway to Hope camps when we're helping families that are struggling with their kiddos is they risk
Matt Darrah (14:49.836)
Yeah.
Debbie Simmons (15:13.722)
bringing their children and their junk to our camp so that we can see radical transformation in a week. And I just hold that in a very tender space because it's a very vulnerable place, but I'm like, I get you, we got this, we can do that. so I think there's power when we find the community that we need to be in.
Matt Darrah (15:18.637)
Hmm.
Matt Darrah (15:39.662)
So do you have a number of folks in a given year approximately that you guys impact? Because I mean it sounds pretty big.
Debbie Simmons (15:49.737)
Yeah, we end up impacting about 3,500 lives a year in different kind of ways with the different things that we're doing. But it is amazing that we get to have that much fun. So it's a cool thing.
Matt Darrah (15:57.207)
Right, yeah.
Matt Darrah (16:04.458)
Absolutely. And it's so amazing. Well, let's talk about some realities that the kiddos from trauma face. As foster and adoptive families, we invite these children into our homes, we're trying to help carry that weight with them.
Debbie Simmons (16:25.224)
Mm-hmm.
Matt Darrah (16:32.357)
And it's heavy. It's a heavy, heavy load. And so, you know, what do you tell families as they're struggling under this load? How do you help them? What do you tell them?
Debbie Simmons (16:48.178)
Sure, well let's back up just a little bit. When I teach people about adopting and fostering, one of the things that I, I'm gonna go back to the beginning. So if someone is thinking about getting into this, okay, one of the things that I would say is that if you're thinking about getting in this, then I wanna do everything I can to convince you to not do it.
Matt Darrah (16:57.966)
Mm-hmm.
Matt Darrah (17:09.742)
Yeah.
Debbie Simmons (17:11.848)
And the reason is, is because when you step into, one is it's always in the center of God's will. adopting and fostering is always in the center of God's will. But the question is, what is our role to play in it? Okay? And it's not everybody's role to foster. It's not everybody's role to adopt. It's not everybody's role to help fund, you know, but we all play a place and we got to find it. Okay?
Matt Darrah (17:28.652)
Mm-hmm.
Matt Darrah (17:41.006)
Sure.
Debbie Simmons (17:41.694)
Sometimes individuals want to come into this situation and they think, I'll just love them and it's going to be good and all this stuff. And then it gets really hard. And when it gets really hard, then they return children, they back away, they do all these things. And I would say that is so much more detrimental for a child.
Matt Darrah (17:55.63)
Hmm.
Matt Darrah (18:04.259)
Yeah.
Matt Darrah (18:08.532)
Absolutely.
Debbie Simmons (18:09.353)
that if I can convince you to not do that before you do it, I would love to do that because I know when you go in, you're in and there's no backing out. Like if you went into your marriage and you went in going, you know, if things get really hard, I'm going to get out. Okay. Your marriage is going to fail because you've left yourself a way out. All right.
Matt Darrah (18:14.168)
Right.
Matt Darrah (18:18.274)
Mm-hmm.
Matt Darrah (18:28.749)
Right.
Matt Darrah (18:35.65)
Mm-hmm.
Debbie Simmons (18:36.711)
So when we look at bringing these children into our lives and to begin to walk alongside of them, we have to be so called and committed that it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. Like I remember in my second adoption, the judge and all the workers were like, she's bipolar, da da da da, and she's nine years old. And I'm like, you don't even know if she's gonna be bipolar. You can't know that when she's this age.
Matt Darrah (18:49.964)
Mm-hmm.
Matt Darrah (19:03.65)
Yeah.
No!
Debbie Simmons (19:06.409)
And not only that, give me the kid. She's already mine. I'm already in. Give me that child. That child is not bipolar. Not. She's 20, 25 now. Now, did she struggle with things and did she have trauma history that we had to deal with? And did she do a stint as she turned into an adult on the streets?
Matt Darrah (19:12.085)
you
Debbie Simmons (19:33.417)
with drug and alcohol abuse and addiction and six years of that journey. And we now have her out of that and she's clean and she's been sober for three plus years and she's doing great. But I'm going, she looks bipolar when she's on drugs. Do you know what I'm saying? And I'm like, it caused me to question, maybe she is bipolar. And so we started working through all of those things. But the truth of the matter is that when she was ready to get better.
Matt Darrah (19:50.766)
Yeah.
Debbie Simmons (20:03.654)
we can begin to do the hard work. Now it's unfortunate that it took her six years on the streets to get there, but it was my job as the mom to hang in there and to be there. And one of the things that you and I, a lot of times when we bring children our home, fostering or adopting is that we think we can save the child. And the truth of the matter is it's not our job to save the child. Okay, our job is
Matt Darrah (20:15.8)
Exactly.
Matt Darrah (20:26.509)
Mm.
Matt Darrah (20:30.113)
Right.
Debbie Simmons (20:32.978)
to plant positive seeds and to leave a bridge to Jesus. That's my take on it, okay? plant positive seeds and leave a bridge to Jesus, okay? That is my job. And because I can control those things, and then I can make sure the door is always open. So when my daughter was on the streets, when she get put in a psych ward, she would call me.
Matt Darrah (20:35.534)
Mm-hmm.
Matt Darrah (20:40.609)
Say that again. Say that again.
Debbie Simmons (21:00.36)
because it's time to get out and I'm like, are you ready to do the right thing? And she's like, no, I'm going back to the boyfriend, da, da, da, da. And I'm like, okay, then you don't need me to come pick you up. You figure your way. And when you're ready, you call me. And so she knew that I had her heart when she was ready. Okay? And that's what we can do. So I would say as we are in situations and we are feeling overwhelmed,
Matt Darrah (21:13.198)
Yeah. Right.
Matt Darrah (21:21.656)
Right.
Debbie Simmons (21:28.934)
This is what we need to look at. When you and I feel overwhelmed, generally it is our stuff that is getting lit up, not our foster or adoptive children, okay? So if my child is losing it, and then I start, it hits like my hip history, somewhere where I have some woundedness in me, and kids are wonderful at finding that woundedness, okay? They're wonderful, they're like laser focused on it.
Matt Darrah (21:49.55)
Mm.
Matt Darrah (21:57.558)
Right.
Debbie Simmons (21:58.449)
But when they find it, then what happens is I begin to see this kid as a threat. And when I see this kid as a threat, my whole body system goes, I have to annihilate it. It's like Jaws dun-dun, dun-dun, dun. I got to kill it or it's going to kill me, right? OK, so this is my stuff getting lit up. So if I want to be able to work with kids with difficult backgrounds and I want them to help them.
Matt Darrah (22:05.422)
Hmm.
Debbie Simmons (22:27.528)
move forward in life, get recovery, get release from some of the stuff that they've been carrying. If I don't deal with the stuff in me, okay, if I don't get my own healing, then I cannot lead these children into healing because we cannot take a child anywhere we have not been. So if I'm not willing to go do my work, so here's how it works in Debbie's life, because I told you I have nine kids, so I get lots of practice, I got lots of practice, right? My kids losing it,
Matt Darrah (22:38.456)
Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
Matt Darrah (22:53.474)
Yeah.
Debbie Simmons (22:56.996)
over something I thought was ridiculously small, they're losing it. I'm feeling all wound up. And so I start to lose it, then they start to lose it, and I start to lose it. It's vicious vicious cycle. And everyone is going to leave bruised and damaged. So but what I've learned over the years is as soon as I start feeling that stuff and stuff rise up in me, then I'm immediately going, OK,
Matt Darrah (23:09.74)
Mm-hmm.
Matt Darrah (23:14.446)
Mm.
Debbie Simmons (23:26.492)
Who's going to help me walk through this? And I'm already, I'm already texting them going, I need you to schedule me a session. I'm in the middle of this tornado. I'm like, I need you to schedule me a session because I'm obviously going to need to work on something. And I'm like, okay. And the, you know, the other thing is, is you and I need to learn to listen to our body because our body will tell us when we're getting a lit up. For me, it happens to be in my chest. I get very tight in my chest.
Matt Darrah (23:33.172)
Yeah, right.
Matt Darrah (23:37.624)
Yeah.
Debbie Simmons (23:56.435)
When I've trained other people, they'll say it's my stomach, my whole body feels like it locks up, you know, and everything like that. If you and I can learn when our body is just starting to flip, if we can learn to say, I've entered my shark waters. If I can learn to say that, do you know I can stop my body from flipping? Because your amygdala is fixing to take over.
Matt Darrah (24:18.882)
Right. Yeah.
Debbie Simmons (24:23.792)
And just that one statement keeps your prefrontal cortex engaged and the logical part of your brain is working, right? So you can stop that and you can go, I need to change. Let's make sure the kid's okay. Let me breathe, let me, whatever I need to do. And then I can reengage because our desire is never to hurt these children, never.
Matt Darrah (24:45.198)
Right.
Debbie Simmons (24:46.862)
And so, you know, but it's working on me that the biggest thing that I have found with families is that when we enter into this space, we don't have a clue of what's gonna happen, right? But God lets us go here because he wants to grow us to be the parents and the people that we need to be so that love and joy and peace and patience and kindness
Matt Darrah (24:59.224)
Yeah, that is for sure.
Matt Darrah (25:05.847)
Mmm.
Debbie Simmons (25:16.114)
flow out of me so that I can help that child walk. So you know, it's much better if the child's losing it and I can be like, you're losing it, buddy. I got you. Come close to me. That's what Jesus does with us. Yeah.
Matt Darrah (25:28.344)
Yeah.
Matt Darrah (25:33.398)
Right? Yeah. Man, that's awesome. So what do you think? You talked about this a little bit, you know, that you can't just love them through it. I mean, you've got to have tools. You've got to have support mechanisms for you, for them. You know, come into this with open eyes. know, so many folks we talked to are like, man, I knew this was going to be hard, but I didn't realize it was going to be this hard, you know?
And so coming in saying, hey,
You can't just love them and that be the extent. I'm just gonna love them and fix them. There's tools that they need, that you need, you can work, work that you need to do. Like you said, go talk to your therapist and stuff like that. so are there other misconceptions do you think with foster and adoptive families that as they're getting into this they kind of need to?
Open your eyes a little bit.
Debbie Simmons (26:41.436)
Well, first of all, anytime a kid comes into your home, it's a new day, man, because everything's new for them, everything's new for you. Don't think they're just gonna, I mean, so this is my favorite thing to teach adoptive families and foster families is when a kid comes into your home, okay, you both are on your best behavior, okay?
Matt Darrah (26:50.862)
you
Matt Darrah (27:05.119)
Mm-hmm.
Debbie Simmons (27:06.472)
Cause you're trying to make sure they're comfortable and you want it to go good and you're giving lots of extra attention. You you're trying to do all the right things, right? And the kid is like going, okay, let's say they've been in foster care for a while. They come in and they're going, well, you know, the last one lasted two, two months and then they thought I was bad. And then this one. So when they come in, they're on their best behavior too. Okay.
Matt Darrah (27:27.992)
Yeah.
Matt Darrah (27:32.824)
Right, yeah, that honeymoon period.
Debbie Simmons (27:34.153)
So what I like to call it is the honeymoon period, right? Okay? Because we're both on our best behavior and the kid's adjusting and the kid in his mind goes, okay, they love me when I'm good. I got that. Okay? Now, then they're going, well, you know, the last one ended because I did this. I need to try those things out because I need to figure out if they're gonna love me when I'm bad. All right?
So, welcome to hell, okay? Because this is now the hell period where it is so hard because they are doing things not necessarily maliciously, they're trying to figure out if it's safe. Okay, so what they have to do is they have to try everything that they've ever tried before to see if you and I are gonna remain steady. Okay, so what I tell parents is it's like,
Matt Darrah (28:06.119)
Hahaha
Debbie Simmons (28:33.875)
They go into, this kid walks into a room with no windows, but it's got four walls and it's dark and he shut up in there, okay? He has to go around and touch every wall and push on it to figure out if it's gonna stand, okay? And he has to go around the whole room, okay? And so this is what he's doing. He's figuring it out.
Matt Darrah (28:48.579)
Hmm.
see where the boundaries are.
Mmm.
Matt Darrah (28:58.85)
Yeah.
Debbie Simmons (29:02.799)
Are you going to be consistent? Are you going to be loving and kind? Are you going to still love me because other people have not loved me in this situation? And he goes all the way around the room. And once he goes all the way around the room, doesn't mean he's not going to need to revisit those walls periodically, but he goes, okay, they love me when I'm bad. Okay, so if they love me when I'm good and they love me when I'm bad,
Matt Darrah (29:19.598)
Yeah.
Debbie Simmons (29:32.18)
then it might be okay. It might, this is still the thing. It might be okay if I let them in my heart. Because the people who were supposed to love me before have rejected me. And it's too painful to let you in. Okay? So this is what they're doing. And eventually we get to a new normal, right? Okay? But you know what?
Matt Darrah (29:42.254)
you
Debbie Simmons (29:59.634)
That might take a little while for some kids, and it might be very short for others. So like we did sibling groups. So I have five kids come in. They were all in various places. And those phases took a lot of different time. And we have to be okay with that. And we have to be able to stand. But what I always teach parents is just when you think you're about to break.
Matt Darrah (30:01.486)
Thank
Matt Darrah (30:16.769)
No doubt.
Debbie Simmons (30:30.525)
Don't give in. The breakthrough is coming. It's almost there, okay? Because when we break, then that kid, it re-emphasizes to that kid that,
Matt Darrah (30:35.726)
Mm.
Debbie Simmons (30:47.209)
they're not gonna love me in that situation or and so what the kid knows is that he's gotta try it again and this time he's gotta go even longer and harder because you broke at hour two and now he needs to know you can go to hour four, right? And I'm going, it's gonna be way more painful, hang in there, just stay. And we had one of our children, she,
Matt Darrah (31:10.626)
Hehehe.
Debbie Simmons (31:16.143)
had to, she chose to write off some stuff one night. I will obey my mom and dad and we hadn't had her very long. And you know, I had like 250 pieces of paper and 50 pencils. So if we broke any, it was all good. And she sat down and she wasn't gonna do it.
I was like, no problem, I'll just dust while you do it. Everything's good. We got this. You can do this. It's good to make things right so we can keep going on. Her dad wasn't home. Anyway, he came home about three and a half hours into our journey. And I was like, no big deal. She's just having a little bit of trouble, but we're gonna get back on track and everything. And he sat down beside her.
Matt Darrah (31:51.096)
Mm-hmm.
Debbie Simmons (32:00.558)
and she would let me tell this tale. Her name is Julia. He sat down beside her and he said, I'll write with you. I'm still resting because I'm trying not to lose it. My house is very tidy now. he sat down beside her and he wrote, I love Julia. I love Julia. I love Julia. I love Julia. And he did that.
Matt Darrah (32:07.726)
Mmm.
Yeah.
It's.
Debbie Simmons (32:23.603)
for probably 2000 plus times. And eventually she picked up her pen and she did what she had decided that she was going to do and she did it and everything. But when she finally was able to go to bed, we were six or seven hours into that journey. I will tell you, she turned on her anger switch.
and didn't know how to get it back off. And within six months, that girl could turn herself around in 30 seconds. And it took us six and a half hours or so. And I remember that, I still remember that night very clearly. This was a long time ago, but my husband and I were looking at each other and we're like, what have we done? We were so in over our heads. And so those are just some things is that, you
Matt Darrah (33:01.144)
Yeah.
Matt Darrah (33:08.76)
Right.
Matt Darrah (33:17.581)
Yeah.
Debbie Simmons (33:22.033)
You've got to go in with your eyes wide open and you need to know how you can have family and friends that can come alongside you, because not everybody is safe for your kids, because they don't know how to handle all the situations that we might face. And we need to be very careful with that. And then we need...
we need to get training ourself. You know, I'm a practitioner in TBRI, Trust-Based Related Intervention. Yeah, and I've, but I've trained under that for years. And the reason is, is because I needed it for my family, but I also use it exclusively at AnchorPoint with the trauma that we see there too. So it's been a double blessing, but you know, get the, get the training that you need.
to help you understand how the trauma brain works and how what we can do. Cause I remember the first time I was introduced to it, was like, I looked at my husband, I'm like, dude, this is why we better pray that there's a God in heaven. Cause this, we screwed up our kids and we had a change, but God is gracious and will teach us how to work through that. And we'll work with us if we lean in. So, but get the training that you need. And it's never.
Matt Darrah (34:30.798)
Ha
Matt Darrah (34:41.39)
return.
Debbie Simmons (34:43.993)
never, never a bad thing to ask and to find people that can be on your journey with you. You know, and that's what you want. You want people that'll partner alongside of you.
Matt Darrah (34:57.406)
Absolutely. what do you think, give me maybe the top one or two things that you think helps kiddos heal. What's top practice, best thing you can do to help guide these kiddos towards a path of healing?
Debbie Simmons (35:19.111)
Yeah, connection, connection, connection. They need, I mean, because you gotta think, this mama daddy bond that God creates in the womb is now severed and I don't know, I'm the kid, I don't know whether it's me, them, I assume it's me and something must be wrong with me. So the deal is, is we have got to connect with these kids.
Matt Darrah (35:41.484)
Right.
Debbie Simmons (35:49.354)
and what are we gonna do to do it? So I would say, hey, one of the hardest practices for me was learning to say yes. Okay, and create, because you can't say yes to everything, but a lot of times if I make you practice, we say no because it's just convenient, okay? Or I'm lazy, or I'm selfish, maybe that's me. But how can I give yeses?
because I really do need to think about it like I'm filling a love tank and every yes I can give is a quarter in the bank. And I guarantee you that before long, I'm gonna need to take five bucks out. And so have I put in enough quarters, you know, and we teach families that you can build connection by giving choices that you can live with. So if I need a kid to, you know, go upstairs with me,
Ultimately, that's my goal is for us to make it upstairs. So I might say, do you want to walk in front of me? Do you want to hold my hand? Do you want to ride on my back? Those might be your choices, right? I get the goal of going upstairs, but they can get to choose how we do it, right? Okay, so I gave them options and that gives them power because think of how powerless they felt, you know, over the years. And so learning things like that,
Matt Darrah (37:02.306)
Yeah.
Matt Darrah (37:09.912)
her.
Debbie Simmons (37:14.441)
are extremely important. When you're first getting to know a child, one of the things that I love to do, especially if they're a little bit older, you could do this with a three-year-old and a four-year-old as they can talk, but one of the things that we always did with our children when we were first meeting them is we had them, because my children were a little older, we had them write down questions that they would like to ask us.
Matt Darrah (37:38.382)
Thank
Matt Darrah (37:42.582)
Mm. Yeah.
Debbie Simmons (37:43.326)
They could ask us anything, okay? And we put those on like a little card and we folded them up and we put them in a brown paper bag. And then I wrote down questions that I thought they might wanna ask, things that they probably wouldn't write down. So I wrote a bunch of them, folded them up and we put them all in the bag. We did this as an activity together. Now for little kids, you might have to write some of the questions, but it'll help you.
Matt Darrah (37:57.678)
and
Matt Darrah (38:07.054)
Right.
Debbie Simmons (38:08.873)
And then what we would do is as we were getting to know each other over the first week or so, we would just at dinner time or meals, we would pull out one question and we would read the question. And so the question might be something like as, know, mine were a little bit older, like how often can we play video games, you know, or something like that. And so we would answer that. And I might've put one in there like, you know,
Matt Darrah (38:20.151)
Mm.
Debbie Simmons (38:39.913)
what should I call you? Do you know what I'm saying? Because that might be a question in their head. Or like, how do you deal with this? Or how do you deal with that? They come up with, the older they are, they come up with all kind of creative questions. But anyway, they loved it. Loved it. And they didn't want to just do one question at dinner. They would want to keep doing the questions and...
Matt Darrah (38:41.815)
Mm-hmm. yeah.
Matt Darrah (38:54.498)
that. Yeah.
Matt Darrah (38:58.52)
Yeah.
Matt Darrah (39:05.858)
Sure. Yeah.
Debbie Simmons (39:07.365)
Then they were like, can we pull another one? Can we pull another one? Because they didn't know what all the questions were and they wanted these answers and you didn't know who asked it, right? So it was like, it wasn't like they were pinned down as to you're the one that wants to know about the video games and stuff. And so that's a wonderful way to begin to bridge that gap. And you can do the same thing.
Matt Darrah (39:23.778)
Thank
Debbie Simmons (39:35.464)
with questions that are like, what is your favorite color? Okay, but when you ask a question like that, always add and why. Okay, because that's gonna get the meaning, it's gonna get more than just a one word answer, it's gonna get the meaning behind it and it's gonna get dialogue going. Okay, so little thing, we think it has to be a whole lot of work to get connection, but really what it has to be is it has to be intentional.
Matt Darrah (39:40.29)
Mm-hmm.
Matt Darrah (39:46.36)
Mm.
Matt Darrah (39:51.298)
Sure, yeah.
Matt Darrah (39:56.022)
and food.
Matt Darrah (40:04.472)
Mm-hmm.
Debbie Simmons (40:04.617)
So, you know, I had a ton of kids in my house and people would go, how do you manage to spend time with all of them and do all the things? I'm like, I have no idea. But we have a wonderful schedule and our schedule is broken down into 30 minute increments. They plan the schedule with me. It has the things that I need on it. It has the things that they want to do on it. And then we know that occasionally there's an uh-oh where the schedule gets changed and this changes the kids, but it's all visual. Well, on that schedule.
Matt Darrah (40:29.858)
Mm-hmm.
Debbie Simmons (40:34.937)
Every day there was like 15 minutes with mom. You could do whatever you want for 15 minutes. And when you have a lot of kids, that's a lot of my time, but it got it compressed down into a certain amount of time. And then that gave me the freedom to do other things while they knew what their things were to do on the schedule. And so my kids love to schedule because you can see it and you can read it and you know computer times come in or you know free times come in.
Matt Darrah (40:38.382)
Mm.
Matt Darrah (40:42.637)
Yeah.
Mm-hmm.
Matt Darrah (40:52.354)
Sure, yeah.
Debbie Simmons (41:01.821)
and you just have to read your book first or do your schoolwork or whatever it was or clean your closet, whatever. But they love those things like that and it builds, you know, it's an easy way for us to build connection and make sure and then in the 15 minute time you got with me, I had to approve it, but we do whatever you want it. Okay, so if you want to play Legos, we played Legos. If you wanted to,
Matt Darrah (41:23.03)
Mm-hmm.
Debbie Simmons (41:29.189)
get a snack together, we got a snack together. If you want to walk the block, we walk the block, you know. And then sometimes they'd ask for crazy things and sometimes I could do them and sometimes I couldn't at times, you But what do we do to play with our kids? Because that's where connection happens. Because play is work for a kid. Yeah, and so those are just some things that kind of come off the top of my head, but connection, connection, connection, because I will tell you, as they get to be teens and they get to be young adults,
Matt Darrah (41:36.684)
Okay.
Matt Darrah (41:43.476)
Absolutely. Yeah.
Debbie Simmons (41:58.226)
the only thing we have left is the connection that we had. So I would like, it's the heartstrings, okay? And so I know as my kids go out to take on the big bad world and the big bad world will sometimes be difficult for them. I want them to have heart connections with me so that they come back to me so we can help them figure their way.
Matt Darrah (42:01.525)
Yeah.
Debbie Simmons (42:23.145)
because I don't want to lose them to the world. You know, my daughter that was on the streets, she could just as easily be dead by now. And I'm like, we would miss what a precious young lady she is if we wouldn't have those heart connections. so, you know, and most of our kids that we're fostering and adopting, the transition to adulthood is going to be hard.
Matt Darrah (42:33.697)
Where?
Matt Darrah (42:51.118)
for sure.
Debbie Simmons (42:52.319)
And to me, it's been the hardest part of the journey.
Matt Darrah (42:57.006)
But like you say, I I just love these ideas, but the connection is just so important. Having that relationship, you can't heal without connection and relationship. can't, so many of the kiddos that come in have just this averse, they just, don't want.
Debbie Simmons (43:02.281)
Mm-hmm.
Matt Darrah (43:25.612)
to be open to that connection because that's when I get hurt. And so being intentional about creating that connection, yeah, I agree. mean, such a vital role in trying to provide a space for healing. So good.
Debbie Simmons (43:44.457)
Yeah, so I'm gonna love you until it breaks through. And that's just the way I look at it. I'm like, I'm in and we're gonna get there and I'm going with you and I got you.
Matt Darrah (43:50.67)
Yeah.
Matt Darrah (43:56.814)
Yeah.
What do you think stability looks like when life feels chaotic?
Debbie Simmons (44:05.769)
For the parent or the kid? For the kid, I will tell you this, for the kid, it always looks like, how are my parents handling it? It's the way it always is. So let's say, you we live in Houston, Texas, we get to do hurricanes all the time, hurricanes coming in, how am I handling it? Am I stressing out? Am I freaking out? Am I going, oh my gosh, it's gonna flood, we're gonna lose a house, da da da da da.
Matt Darrah (44:07.426)
Nothing for both.
Matt Darrah (44:17.102)
Hmm.
Matt Darrah (44:24.078)
Hmm.
Matt Darrah (44:27.672)
Yeah.
Matt Darrah (44:34.542)
you
Debbie Simmons (44:35.335)
My kids are gonna play off of that. And even if I don't use words, they can sense it, okay? So stability in chaotic times for a child is 100 % based on who my safe places are and how are they handling it, okay? For me as the adult, the question becomes, where do I place my trust?
Matt Darrah (44:37.26)
Absolutely.
Matt Darrah (44:40.814)
Mm.
Matt Darrah (44:51.436)
Mm. Yeah. Mm-hmm.
Matt Darrah (45:01.058)
Mmm.
Debbie Simmons (45:02.107)
Okay, and is my trust and my ability to handle it? Well, guess what? In a hurricane, I don't know if I'm gonna be able to handle it. I mean, we had a hurricane, we have a two-story house, the water came in the first floor. We're all escaping to the second floor. I can't stop the water, right? And so I get my kids upstairs, I'm like, we're good, it's not gonna get this high.
Matt Darrah (45:07.939)
Yeah.
Matt Darrah (45:16.192)
wow. No kidding. Yeah.
Debbie Simmons (45:24.425)
Go to sleep, do whatever you're gonna do. And then on the side, I'm asking my husband, if he gets to the second floor, do we have an escape route? And he's like, well, I guess we go into the roof. said, so we don't really have a plan. And he's like, no. And I said, well, there's a lot of cleanup to do. I'm gonna go take a nap. So I went and took a nap and I went to sleep. I was like, what can you do? But my kids are like, okay, the parents got it. Then we're okay.
Matt Darrah (45:31.416)
Yeah, that's what we're gonna do.
Matt Darrah (45:42.072)
day.
Matt Darrah (45:50.382)
Right.
Mm-hmm.
Debbie Simmons (45:53.519)
Now my question is, am I trusting in me in that situation or am I going, okay God, you know for me, this is for me, I'm going, okay God, you know my situation, you promise to take care of us, you're going to show us the way, I'm going to put my trust there. And when I put my trust there, he says I can have joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control and everything and I'm going, well I'm trusting you. you know, where we put our trust is very important.
Matt Darrah (46:10.251)
Absolutely.
Matt Darrah (46:18.712)
Yeah.
Debbie Simmons (46:23.144)
important and everything, but the, you know, in a practical terms for parents in a stressful, very stressful situation, I think just stopping and breathing, okay, so our prefrontal cortex stays engaged and then asking this question, what's the next best thing I can do? Okay, not the next right thing.
Matt Darrah (46:36.834)
Mm-hmm.
Matt Darrah (46:47.086)
Mm.
Debbie Simmons (46:49.416)
because the right thing will paralyze us, because we'll be going, is that right? Is that right? Is that right? The next best thing, and do the next best thing that you can think of. Okay, and then we'll figure our way. A great example of that is we have one of our children that said something at school and a teacher overheard it. She said something like, my dad's gonna kill me for making a bad grade on the test, okay? The teacher overheard it, kept walking down the aisle.
Matt Darrah (46:52.791)
is we are.
Matt Darrah (47:13.216)
All right.
Debbie Simmons (47:19.24)
She reported us to CPS. My daughter continued her conversation with her friend and the girl's like, your dad's not gonna kill you. And she's like, no, he's gonna talk a lot, da da da da, which was true. But the lady called CPS, all right. Well, because these were foster adoptive children, they get responded to much faster than other children. So there's now an allegation of abuse
Matt Darrah (47:32.238)
Yeah.
Matt Darrah (47:37.198)
Matt Darrah (47:48.919)
Mm-hmm.
Debbie Simmons (47:49.851)
on my husband and my husband calls me, I'm at a big fundraiser event and I'm like, you know, so the question is, how are we gonna walk through this? Right? And so he calls me, he's freaking out. I'm like, I need you to breathe and calm down cause he's going, they're accusing me. And like, this could go so south so quick, you know? And I'm like, look, breathe, God's got it. I'll be home in a little bit and we'll figure our way.
Matt Darrah (48:03.374)
We're home.
Matt Darrah (48:09.23)
I'm sure, yeah.
Debbie Simmons (48:16.588)
And so I got home and he's still stressed out, but I pulled all the kids together and I was like, hey, look, we had some excitement today. Okay, not a big deal. We're gonna figure out how to handle it. And I said, life is a journey sometimes. And we're in a car and sometimes we hit a speed bump and we're doing it.
Matt Darrah (48:36.846)
Hmm.
Debbie Simmons (48:42.952)
we're going nice and slow and we just go up and over the speed bump. It's not a big deal. Other times we hit it at 20 miles an hour and it kind of rattles the whole car and you kind of get achy or whatever. And then I said, at other times we hit it at a hundred miles an hour and it totally tears the car up. And it, you know, we feel like battered and bruised and all of a my kids are like, yeah, yeah, yeah. And I'm like, this is one of those hundred mile an hour times. And I said,
Matt Darrah (48:58.358)
Yeah.
Matt Darrah (49:10.414)
Mm-hmm.
Debbie Simmons (49:12.274)
However, God's gonna show us how to get through this. And mom knows that he's gonna take care of us. And so we're not enemies here, we're a family and we're together. And I said, here's what we're gonna do. This is the only thing that mom knows to do in these situations is I said, we're gonna pray and ask God to take care of us and show us the way. And then we're going to put on some children's worship music that we use at the time.
Matt Darrah (49:16.067)
Yeah.
Debbie Simmons (49:41.178)
and we're just going to praise because we're going to trust him. Now, was my situation any different? Do I still have to get an attorney? Is my husband still struggling? Do we got things to work out? We got all those things to deal with.
Matt Darrah (49:43.042)
Mm-hmm. Yeah.
Matt Darrah (49:50.446)
you
Matt Darrah (49:55.372)
Yeah.
Debbie Simmons (49:57.139)
But my kids can walk through this now because they have calm, right? So if I'm lit up, they're gonna be lit up. And so, you you and I have to figure our way and this is where us having friends, having a relationship with Jesus Christ is important. We need to help stabilize us so that we can be the mom and dads that we need to be for those kiddos.
Matt Darrah (50:05.838)
Mm.
Matt Darrah (50:25.518)
Absolutely. You are preaching. You are preaching. Such good.
Debbie Simmons (50:31.176)
This is just life lived,
Matt Darrah (50:36.204)
Right, girl, I'm telling you. So let's shift gears a little bit. Talk to folks that are, they're not gonna foster, they're not gonna adopt, they're not gonna, know, but they want to help somehow. What do you tell folks that are watching families go through this licensing and bringing kids into their home? How do you encourage them to help these families?
Debbie Simmons (51:03.656)
Sure, the first thing I would say is pray, pray, pray, pray, pray for these families and for God to give them wisdom and connection with these kiddos and stuff like that. The other thing that I think we've gotten better over the years, but I think one of the things that we don't do well is figure out how to support these families. A lot of times I think the common thought is, well, you brought them in your home, so you must be okay. And I'm like,
Matt Darrah (51:07.138)
for
Matt Darrah (51:27.725)
Yeah.
Debbie Simmons (51:32.308)
Dude, I got five crazy kids running around and I am so stressed out. then I got, I mean, I remember one time after we had added six and seven into our lives, okay, my husband goes out of town. He's going out of the country. He leaves that morning and three of my boys are,
about to kill each other. One pulls a knife on them and the other two are fussing and everything and I'm like, I've had it. I was like, y'all are crazy and I divided them into spots in the room. Now I still got more than three running around, right? But I got these three contained and I'm like, you will never ever pull a knife in my house again. And then the other one, I'm like, you need to go mow the yard.
Matt Darrah (51:57.166)
God.
Matt Darrah (52:04.718)
You
Matt Darrah (52:17.708)
Yeah.
Debbie Simmons (52:22.483)
about six other neighbors yard to get some of your energy out. So take that off. And then the other one I got cornered in this place and I'm like, I'm calling my husband when he's landing in New York and I'm like, you need to just turn around and come home. I don't know where you're going, but I'm like, who's helping me? Right? I'm so overwhelmed. And so what we need to be is one, we need to ask or figure out how we can help them. Okay. For the first six months,
Matt Darrah (52:39.053)
Yeah.
Debbie Simmons (52:51.611)
of our lives. I couldn't even figure out how to use dishes. All we did was paper plates because I was so overwhelmed. I didn't have time to figure out how to clean the kitchen. I was trying to learn how to cook, you know. And it was such a blessing to have someone just go, no, I don't care what you say, I'm bringing the meal over. And so I think we can look at things like that. And then one of the most valuable things is I think people
Matt Darrah (52:55.8)
Mm-hmm.
Matt Darrah (52:59.438)
You
Matt Darrah (53:11.81)
Yeah.
Debbie Simmons (53:21.473)
who can love our children and understand the trauma. So get educated in TBRI, understand how trauma works on the brain, and are safe places for my kids to be for a little while is so powerful because we wouldn't leave our children with just anyone. We had one incident where we left one of them with a relative and
Matt Darrah (53:45.848)
Mm-hmm.
Debbie Simmons (53:50.474)
the relative flipped out and demanded to get the child out of her house immediately. And it really wasn't that big of an issue, but it freaked the relative out. And the problem was I was eight hours from that kid. And I'm like, my gosh, how much damage could happen to this kid? And whatever my relative said or says in this time, and she didn't even understand.
Matt Darrah (53:59.214)
Mm-hmm.
Right.
Matt Darrah (54:06.965)
no.
Matt Darrah (54:15.431)
huh.
Debbie Simmons (54:20.713)
that she doesn't understand what the kid's going through. Do you know what I'm saying? So I knew I could call my mother because I knew my mother would stand in the gap. My mother was two hours away and I said, please go get my child. Go get my child right now. They'll meet you halfway. I will start driving and I'll be there in the morning. You know, because she had my other children.
Matt Darrah (54:22.914)
Yeah, right. Yeah.
Matt Darrah (54:27.438)
Mm.
Matt Darrah (54:43.277)
Mm-mm.
Debbie Simmons (54:46.441)
At that time we had five, she had all, so she got this one, she would have all five of them. And I was like, I will come, I will come. so when I get the kids, I get there that morning, the kids are getting up or whatever, and I'm snuggling in between different ones. And I'm like, hey, we're gonna be okay. But right, I needed the safety net of people who understood how to deal with my children and not be,
Matt Darrah (54:51.256)
Mm-hmm.
Matt Darrah (55:08.568)
Right.
Debbie Simmons (55:14.713)
overly flipped out over maladaptive behavior that would send that kid further into trauma or we could help them grow through this. And so, you know, we got her in a good place. We have a great relationship with that relative, but we don't stay at that relative's house because they just didn't know how to walk alongside my kids the best. And so,
Matt Darrah (55:16.782)
Yeah.
Debbie Simmons (55:43.146)
That's where I think people are super valuable to us. My name is Lolly, right? So I get adopted by all these families because I love hanging out with the kids and they know that their kids will be safe when they're with me. And so that's invaluable for people from that perspective.
Matt Darrah (55:52.824)
Yeah.
Matt Darrah (56:03.598)
Absolutely. Yeah, it is so hard sometimes to, you know, get somebody's willing to just get set up to babysit. Not even respite, but just get them set up to babysit so mom and dad can have a break for a few minutes, you know. That is a really important way that folks can help. And like you said, I like...
The idea of them having at least some knowledge and training and understanding of what's going on so that there is, so that if you can have peace when you take them over there and be like, okay, I know that they're safe, they're gonna be okay, I can go over here and rest and do what I needed to do without having to freak out and worry or something gonna happen. Yeah.
Debbie Simmons (56:56.137)
Right, and I will give you just a very easy example is like I had a child that was eight or nine, but she would not go to the restroom when she knew she should be going, but she was so excited with whatever she was doing that she just wouldn't go. So it was really kind like a two year old, right? So she'd get in the bathroom and she'd find out she had pooped in her pants already, right? So she would hide those in the bathroom, okay? So she didn't have to be
Matt Darrah (57:22.318)
Mmm.
Debbie Simmons (57:26.117)
shamed and feel bad because I'm sure she'd gotten in lot of trouble over them, okay? Well, if you have someone who doesn't realize that that's a maladaptive behavior and basically what this child just doesn't understand is how to control her. She's not listening to her body and we have to teach her that, but if we shame her with the bathroom incident, then this child is not going to make progress. And so whoever's watching her at the time,
Matt Darrah (57:40.483)
What?
Matt Darrah (57:45.07)
Yep.
Debbie Simmons (57:55.934)
has to help her figure her way on that. And same type of thing with, I've had children sometimes that would sexually act out and that's because of things they have seen and observed and learned. And so I don't need to freak out over that, but I need safe people who know how to help them walk through it, handling them so that it's a grace-filled atmosphere that allows for us to continue to grow and everything.
Matt Darrah (58:07.288)
Exactly.
Matt Darrah (58:23.074)
Yeah. Wow, such good ways to help folks that are struggling. Give us, if you can, a couple of examples of how someone, they're in it, they're in it every day, and how do they kind of identify or realize that, I'm getting close to burnout. I need to...
I need to take a step back. How do you tell folks to be mindful of that and notice that they need to take a break?
Debbie Simmons (59:02.601)
Well, if you don't figure this out, it will kill you. And I can promise you that. And so we have to figure this out. So first indicator that you or I are really not in a good place is when we feel our shark waters get lit up that we talked about earlier. And we're starting to see the child as the problem and I got to annihilate them. so when I start
Matt Darrah (59:07.308)
Yeah.
Debbie Simmons (59:32.724)
behaving that way, then I have lost joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness. Something is off in me. And that tells me that I'm in a very bad place. Now I might not be able to handle it right that second. I may need to still stay in there, but you know what? I need to figure out how to get some time alone so that I can at least process that or have a breather to be able to figure my way again.
Matt Darrah (59:40.718)
Mm.
Debbie Simmons (01:00:01.446)
Okay, that would be for me the number one indicator. Two is if we are not spending some time taking care of ourselves every day. Okay, I remember we went on a cruise with other adoptive and foster families and the lady was teaching, she had all the women together and she was like, okay, let's talk about self-care. Okay, so all of us were on there and
one lady goes, do you mean like, did I get dressed today? Or do you mean like I had a shower? I mean, like it was, and she was like, no, I mean, it's a little bit more than that, but you know, that's the way it gets sometimes. And so, you know, so the question is, you know, are we taking some time for us? And you know, every day do I find 10 to 15 minutes that is my time.
Matt Darrah (01:00:46.086)
absolutely.
Matt Darrah (01:00:58.958)
Mm.
Debbie Simmons (01:00:59.785)
Okay, it doesn't have to be long, just something so that I can recenter. So 10, 15 minutes every day, 30 minutes one time a week, and a couple of hours once a month. Okay, that would be a way to build some things in there. But when you start, know, when I'm, when I am snippy, when I'm mad, when I'm frustrated all the time,
These are indicators that it is too much for me right now and that I am not being, I am not the person that I want to be. Okay. And we don't understand what's happening is we have external stress that's being put on us, but it's also creating internal stress. And so my body is responding and all of my history is getting stirred up and those things are
Matt Darrah (01:01:37.166)
All right. Yeah.
Debbie Simmons (01:01:53.936)
over a long period of time can be very devastating to us and ultimately lead to early death if we're not careful. And we don't want that. We want to be here. I want it to be a young Lolly so I could have grandkids and run around and do all that stuff.
Matt Darrah (01:02:01.687)
Right.
Matt Darrah (01:02:08.334)
Yeah, no, absolutely. Well, golly, I feel like we could sit here and talk for just hours. You've shared so much grace and wisdom. You've been in it in the field for a long time, and I appreciate your insight. How do folks get involved with AnchorPoint?
Debbie Simmons (01:02:31.379)
Sure, if you're across the nation, one of the best things you can do for us is just go to our website and get on our 911 prayer team. And you can just pray, because what we do is we text when there's an issue to be prayed for, and you get to be right on the front lines praying for a situation, whether a girl chooses life for the baby she carries or this family is having an issue. You get to be in the center of that. That would be wonderful. Of course, we do donations. We love that.
Matt Darrah (01:02:40.695)
Hmm.
Debbie Simmons (01:03:00.541)
But if you are close to us, we would love to encourage you to just step in and volunteer. And you can find that on the website too. And look at ways that you can engage because it takes all of us working together to lift the tide of parenting.
Matt Darrah (01:03:07.182)
and
Matt Darrah (01:03:16.802)
Absolutely, for sure. And so we'll put down in the show notes a link to your website and things like that. And so, wow, I'm so grateful for your words of wisdom and encouragement. And I hope that folks will take this, take it to heart and really kind of apply it if they're in the trenches or if they're thinking about getting in the trenches.
and things like that. So thank you so much for your time and for the work that you're doing through AnchorPoint. It's just, mean, man, that's just so, all of it is so incredibly valuable to the community. And so thank you for the work that you're doing and for coming on the podcast today.
Debbie Simmons (01:04:04.401)
Yeah, and Matt, I do have one free gift for your listeners if you want. And it's my book, The Heart of Legacy, Living a Faithful, Focused and Fearless Life. That is available for free to them. They just literally go to the website, theheartoflegacy.com and they can get it for free. But it'll walk you through, if you're curious about what this journey of adoption and all that stuff looks like, it walks you through our story.
Matt Darrah (01:04:08.672)
Okay, yeah.
Matt Darrah (01:04:16.077)
Mm.
Matt Darrah (01:04:24.098)
Mm-hmm.
Debbie Simmons (01:04:32.435)
but the whole center section is on how can I do these things? And a lot of them we've talked about today, but it gives you more practical next steps to know how to maneuver your way so that you are focused, faithful, and fearless. And it's just my blessing to help each of us move and to become better and to be all that we're meant to be.
Matt Darrah (01:04:55.466)
Absolutely. We'll put a link down in the show notes for that as well. I'm going to go download a copy because it'll be good for me. So absolutely. Thank you again for coming on. guys, next week we're going to have Adam and Leslie Hammond on. They're going to share their story of foster care and how things are going with them.
Debbie Simmons (01:05:02.353)
Yeah, yeah, you'll love it.
Matt Darrah (01:05:19.69)
And so thank you guys for tuning in. Sundy, thank you so much for your episode sponsorship. And guys, we do placement packages for kiddos coming into foster care. We cover the 26 counties of the pain handle. We deliver these packages to kiddos as they're coming into care. so it takes a village to be able to provide all these placement packages. Last year we delivered 161.
across the pain handle. And so our goal this year is 250. There's about 600 kids that come into care in the 26 counties in a given year. And so our goal is to get to where every kiddo gets a placement package. But in order to do that, we need your help. if you're interested, you can go to our website, painhandleorphan.org. And there's a way to set up a monthly gift there. $100 a month buys us all the clothes we need for one placement package. And $50 buys us case of diapers.
$10 buys us an outfit each month and so if you're interested in that go go to our website check it out and And then you know be sure to tune in like subscribe And then hey if you're if you're listening post a post in the comments down below what city you're listening from guys Thank you so much and have a great week. Thanks, Debbie
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