Managing Mental & Emotional Health in Foster Families

Matt Darrah (00:00)

Hello and welcome to All Things Foster, a place for coffee, connection, and community. I'm Matt Darrah your host. We've got Rory Shepherd on with us today. Thank you for coming. You bet. ⁓ Thank you to our episode sponsor, Bracken Hochstein from Excel Construction Group. Bracken Hochstein is a consultant manager at Excel Construction Group, bringing a wealth of experience in construction and customer service to every project he takes on. Based in West Texas,

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So, today's episode is called Managing Mental and Emotional Health in Foster Families. And guys, we know that this is a difficult conversation.

We're dealing with lots of stress and we've got to figure out ways to balance our mental and emotional health. And so we got Rory on today. Rory's the owner of Action Coach West Texas. And I'll tell you that I worked with Rory last summer fall and it was absolutely some of the best ⁓ spent money that we as an organization and I personally have had.

It really set us up when I left my job. It set us up right at the beginning with some tools and some guidance that's really helped just grow POCN in this just amazing way. personally, I've put into some practice some of the things that Rory and I are going to talk about today and they helped me. We'll talk about this more, but I've got this here because I go through this every morning and then in the afternoon.

and then throughout the day and it really, really helps me. And so Rory, thanks for coming on ⁓ today. I'm super glad that you're here. Me too. Yeah. We've got some heavy stuff to talk about today, but Rory's got some tools that potentially, if you'll put them into practice, can really help. Yeah. So I think ⁓ first I would say that

each and every one of us, whether we're in the foster program or not. mean, we go from, you know, high stress levels to, you know, moments maybe of lower stress, right? But stress is consistent or constant for us. And a lot of folks, and it probably got put on steroids when we went through the pandemic. And I'm not sure we've ever gone back. Yeah.

If you look at it, we talk more about burnout, we talk about stress, we talk about depression. mean, all those things are way more in the forefront today than they've ever been. Now, I personally say that it's not just stress, but we go, I have three stages that I talk about, and it starts with tired, ⁓ and then we go to depleted, and then we go to burned out. ⁓

And there's warning signs and kind of early signs that we can see or hear about ourselves in those stages that if we listen, ⁓ we've got a chance to catch it at depleted and never get to burned out. ⁓ And I think it's even more so for foster families in this space where if I got to the spot where I'm close to burned out, ⁓ then I've got a other host of issues that I've got to deal with.

can't just call the neighbor and say, can you come babysit the kids? I've got to have approved babysitters. There's a whole other set of processes that you have to go through. so being aware, but then putting it in systems and processes early is even more important in the foster family space, probably in any space. And I would say, don't wait until you start to feel shaky to start doing something because it's too late.

because you don't have the reaction time that a normal biological family has, right? That's unfortunate, but that's the space we're in. That's the reality. And so you need to do some things upfront to get that care in process before you need it. Absolutely. So before we dig into that, tell us a little bit about you. Tell us kind of how you got to...

coaching and helping and stuff like that. Yeah, sure. I'll do the short version, hopefully. But I was born and raised in Spearman ⁓ and then came to Amarillo and I had the opportunity to work at Hastings Books and Records when it was Hastings Books and Records. was there for almost five years and then I got a chance to move to San Antonio to work for a ⁓ business called

Builder Square. I remember it. Yeah, that they had just gone through a transition from family owned to kind of corporate owned. And we went from five stores to about 170 stores in 10 years. 10 years, golly. So super high growth. Great organization, great opportunity to work there. Problem was we were wholly owned by Kmart. If you remember Kmart. Blue light special.

back in the day, they did a great job of the business model and things that they did with organizations like Builder Square, but they did not do a good job with Kmart. so ⁓ actually, I was one of the last 42 employees at Builder Square. We shut the whole operation down. We went from almost 800 people in the corporate office to 42. Wow. In about eight months. Yeah, it was kind of crazy. ⁓

Then I spent 15 years at HEB grocery, started off in IT and moved to finance and accounting. Had quite a few roles while I was at HEB. Thought I would stay there my whole corporate career, but I moved over to Whataburger ⁓ and spent my last seven years in the corporate space on the executive team at Whataburger. And so through that period, whether it was at HEB or at

at Whataburger, I spent a lot of time doing staff development, mentor programs, coaching, ⁓ training, kind of all the stuff that I do today full time. was doing as a kind of a side passion and things that were going on inside that corporate space. My mom was 89 years old, still living on the family farm in Spearman. It was time for us to get back up here. And so I was at a good spot at Whataburger. And so

I left, ⁓ I guess you could say I retired, but I never stopped working. But I left Whataburger and came up here and started a coaching business working with, you know, I've got a number of clients that are in the family business space, a number of clients that are in the nonprofit space. And then to kind of the CEO and executive coaching or folks in that kind of mid.

mid-business, the 10 to $200 million annual income kind of range. So helping folks navigate leadership and just life really for a long, time. Yeah, and I think we can say there's business coaching, but nearly every one of those conversations ends up something on the personal Yeah, absolutely. I'd say it took me a while to figure out that I'm just one person.

So I can't separate home life from church life from business life. And those lines are very blurry all the time. And if I try to keep that separate, I'm going to slip up and make mistakes. Absolutely. And so if you can realize that any work that you're doing is all about you personally, and how do I get better as an individual? How do I improve my character? How do I do work on my faith?

that helps in the business space, that helps in the nonprofit executive directors, that'll help in the foster space as well. Yeah, will. Wow. Yeah, so all that to say, Rory knows what he's talking about. ⁓ He's been super, super great for us. And even ⁓ nonprofits, Rory is teaching some leadership classes with Allie at Amarillo Community Village, helping other nonprofit leaders. ⁓

That's where this conversation came from, is Rory gave a talk on this about a month ago. And I was sitting there thinking foster families could use this information. Because...

They're working. mean, it's a job. Like fostering is a job. mean, yes. On top of the job. On top of the job. Parenting the kid is the job, but then there's like all this other stuff that's involved. And so it's a job that you can't leave. Right. Right. It's not a 40 hour job. Yeah, it's 168. Every day, every hour, every minute. Yeah. And so I was sitting there.

personally taking in what Rory was saying and then sitting there thinking, man, I really think that foster families, because I talked to a lot of foster families, they're like, oh my gosh, I'm so burned out. I'm so exhausted. I don't know what to do. And so, yeah, if we can see where we're at, see where we're headed and maybe change that trajectory, right? Yeah. How do I catch it sooner? Yes. Because there is a cliff, right? And so the closer I get to the cliff, the harder it is to stop.

The harder it is to catch myself before I go off. So how do I start recognizing what are those early warning signs and what do I do physically, mentally, emotionally to slow the progress down or slow that process down? Yeah, so this, I I put this together, I don't know, a year and a half or so ago because of conversations just like that. You know, working with leaders, talking to teams just about, you know, what happens when?

How do we start to recognize those concerns, one? And then two, what are the things that I should be doing in a self-care space to slow that progress down? so originally it started with a simple survey. And so we built a basically 12 question, kind of four key topic survey, but really trying to get, based on your answers across physical, mental, emotional kind of spaces,

where are you in that back to tired, depleted, Burned-out? So that then you could say, if that's where I am, what do I need to do? Exactly. ⁓ And so originally it was just the survey. then I, back to your journal, this Anchor Points journal is really kind of my best thinking over 35 years of trying to do time management, team management, those kind of things. But.

the more and more I played with it, the more it moved over to what is really kind of the left side of the page on a daily basis around gratitude and prayer and meditation, reflection, ⁓ scriptural reading. And so from a self-care point of view, ⁓ absolutely don't say that you've got to follow my method, but I think my method's pretty good. It is.

So then we went out and found, you know, what are two or three other kind of self-care frameworks? Because it's very similar to, you hear people say, what's the best diet? Right? Or what's the best translation of the Bible? Right. Well, it's the diet you'll follow. It's the translation that you'll read. Right. And the same thing is true for self-care frameworks. It's the one that you'll follow. Yeah.

I've got one that I like, but I'll give you three others that you can kind of pick and choose from and go, I like that one better. there's a, that resonates with me in a different way. Sure. So let's start with walk us through the progression, tired, depleted, burned-out. What does that look like? Yeah. So if you think about when I say I'm tired, right? mean, most of the time that's from physical or mental exhaustion, right? And it's just that.

And kind of the key for that one is that if I take a weekend off, take a nap on a Sunday afternoon, I'm a little more refreshed. I bounce back. I'm more resilient if it's just tired. But in that space, it's intense focus, intense activity, and I can just say I'm tired. And one of the things that we talk about when I do this with teams is, do you wake up in the morning?

and you say I'm as tired as I was when I went to bed, right? mean, then I'm on the border of moving from tired into depleted. When I wake up in the morning and I say, I'm refreshed, I regenerated, I'm good to go, right? Well, then I was probably just tired. But if it's, I'm just as tired or even more tired when I wake up than I was when I went to bed, then I'm moving over into depleted. And depleted is that space where

It's more persistent, it's a deeper form of exhaustion. You probably need a week's vacation, right? It's not a weekend, it's vacation time. I need to not focus as intensely on those things. So then if I take that into the foster space, depleted is almost at a panic spot. What do I do now? How am I going to take a week off? I mean, can't just check out.

for a week. And so then you're on the phone calling, trying to find somebody to do respite for you for a few days. Right. Yeah. And even after a few days, I'm not recovered. And so because it's there's a compound effect that happens. And then the third one is burned out. And I think we overuse that word. Yeah. But I do think because in that space, it's

There's not a way to recover without me taking time off from work, right? And it's probably a sabbatical. It's probably one month or two months off, right? I probably can't recover on my own. I need to seek counseling. I need to talk to my pastor. mean, that's a deeper space to be. And again, I think we overuse the word, but I think there's a lot of us that are on the edge between depleted and burned out.

a lot of our time. Yeah. Right. And so when I start getting on that teeter totter of going from depleted into burned out.

That's a tough, tough place. It's very tough. That's where I was at last spring. Yeah. I mean, that's absolutely... I was working full time. I was running a nonprofit, trying to be a dad, trying to be a grandpa. know, mom and dad had both passed. I mean, it was just... I was just at a point I couldn't keep it. I couldn't keep doing what I'd been doing. And thankfully, I was able to take a leave of absence from work and really, really rest and really... ⁓

I was going to counselor twice a week, instead of just once a week. And ⁓ really reevaluating where I'm at and where do I want to go and how do I, what do I do? Do I go back to doing what I was doing or do I change something? Yeah, and I remember those conversations, right? I mean, as we went through that end of May last year, into of June, right? You were at that spot of making that decision,

And in your case, I mean, there was a ton of relief when you got to the decision. Yeah. And just said, I don't know what this means, but this is what Nikki and I have decided. Yep. ⁓ You saw the weight just come off your shoulders. Right. And it was, I'm scared to death because I don't know what this means. Yeah. But I've made the decision. The decision's made and we're moving forward. Yeah. Yeah. And I think that, but you were in that teeter totter. Absolutely. Right. Moving back and forth. Absolutely. Right. Yeah.

And had you not taken the time, you could have gone off that cliff. Absolutely. ⁓ Yeah. Yeah. So you've got to look at where you're at. And Rory's got an assessment tool. And we're going to put the link to that in the show notes so that you can go there and take that. if you're honest about it, that's going to tell you, am I tired? Am I depleted? Or am I burned out? Right. Right.

And it's going to say you are most likely in a healthy state. You're most likely in a tired state because again, how I feel this very moment changes the way I answer the question. could be really down today, right? And say I'm on the very high end of depleted when I'm probably closer to the lower end of depleted. Yes, it's going to give you an indication. also in that packet, so you'll have the assessment, but then you'll

have the things that we're talking about, about definitions of tired, depleted, burned out, early warning signs, all that will be in the packet that you can download, take the assessment. It's free, but it's a great resource for you to get started. it's not a diagnostic tool, right? But it's a helpful tool to figure out kind of where I'm at. And then, so once they've figured out where they're at,

What do do now? Yes. There are some frameworks and I've got four kind of self-care frameworks that again, I give them to you to kind of look through and choose and pick the best parts of it. But an early kind of super simple set of questions that your counselor was probably asking you twice a week when you were going to see him, right? Or sometimes even when I'm taking that assessment and I go, holy cow, it says I'm burned out.

⁓ I've got five very simple questions that a lot of psychoanalysts, counselors use that are just simple, where am I right now? ⁓ And it's simple things like, when did I last eat? Right? I mean, it's three o'clock in the afternoon. haven't eaten today. Well, guess what? You're running on empty. How have I done with hydration today? Have I been drinking only coffee? Am I drinking water? Am I drinking sodas? Right?

I need to be drinking water. I mean, we all know that, but we don't do it. When was the last time you exercised? I our bodies are built to burn off energy other than just sitting behind a desk all day. And all the research now says I need to be moving every day, and it's best if I move before 2 o'clock. So even if it's just rolling out of the bed, hitting the floor, and doing 40 push-ups.

I need to do something to get my heart rate up a little bit, get some blood pumping through me on a daily basis. And early is better. We had a chiropractor come on a couple weeks ago and she was talking about how ⁓ like 90 % of the nutrition to your brain comes from movement. You got to be moving to get...

your brain going. Release those endorphins and all the things. So if I pre-prime that plump early, by doing something right as I roll out of bed, that helps. The next one is how much time have I spent on technology? And this is harder and harder for us to stay away from. another question, if I go back to, and the last one is what are your sleep patterns? And those two are so related. And I have conversations, I did a

an event for a nonprofit on Saturday. You know, and the question was, you know, if you if I have trouble going to sleep, you know, what would you suggest? And I was like, get off technology two hours before you go to bed. And they went, wait, what? Two hours? Yeah. I mean, you got to get off the screens. Yeah. Right. I And wind down before you go to sleep. Now, two hours, that may be too much for you, but.

at least 30 minutes before you go to bed, you should not be on your phone, watching TV, those kind of things, because you've got to ramp down so that you can sleep. And then we don't get enough sleep. And in this space of childcare and foster care and trying to work, you've got to figure out a way to get more sleep on a consistent basis. And even if it's not seven and a half to eight and a half hours, I need to be going to bed at the same time and getting up at the same time.

That is a very, very positive thing for sleep patterns and recovery, is if your body knows when you're going to bed and your body knows when you're getting up. Your routines. mean, it's, again, with the chiropractor last week, we...

The kids need the routine. They desperately need, we go to the bed at the same time, we get up at the same time, we go to the bed at the same time, we get up at the same It helps everything to have that routine, to be consistent, ⁓ and to build that resilience. And we need it just as much. are, I mean, God made us as creatures of routine and habit.

with all the advents of central heat, central air, lights, right? mean, all that kind of stuff. I mean, we've been cheating what nature had built into it around when am I supposed to go to bed and when am I supposed to get up? Right. mean, just go on a camping trip. Yeah. I mean, it gets to eight o'clock and it's time to go to bed because it's dark. I don't have a choice. There's nothing else for me to do. But I need to build that in to my kids' lives.

my life. But those five simple questions, right? When did I eat? Am I hydrating? When did I exercise? How have I done with technology today and what are my sleep patterns? Those five things all flow into these self-care models or frameworks that we're going to talk about. ⁓ Those are kind of foundational and key. And if I can just answer those five questions in a way

consistently in a positive way, I'm probably moving into a space that's better for me. Sure. Yeah. Okay. So. ⁓

Let's see, we talked about, okay, so yeah, we talked about the assessment tool. We're going to have it in the show notes. We talked about the five questions. Scoring stage to identify and adjust accordingly. talked about that. Okay, so like I said, I was in right on the edge of burnout last spring and was in a place where, we were at a place

both financially and everything that I could take that break, but we're not, not everybody can do that. Like we talked about foster parents can't just step away for a month. And so ⁓ we've just find where we are, what do we do moving forward? Let's talk about those different ways of taking care of our mental health. Yeah, so I think the, again,

Knowing where I am is the first step, but that doesn't fix anything. And the one thing that we need to be very cautious of is that these are not overnight fixes. So I need to establish disciplines in my life so that I can go through those rougher spots because I've got routine, I've got consistency, I've got discipline.

Then I also need to call out the way you're wired, there are things that you know you can do that give you a recharge or give you energy. So for me, it's being outside. It's working outside, doing manual labor, running a chainsaw. Those kind of things, even though it's manual labor and you would think that's expending more energy, why would you do that? ⁓

I need to expend that energy so that I can get more energy. But what are those things for you? It may be reading or writing or painting or going for a walk. But what is it that you need to do when you start to feel in the pit of your stomach or somewhere in your body that the anxiety's up, stress is up, I need a release valve. What is that for you? ⁓ So with that said, ⁓

We're going to walk through some models, not trying to memorize anything or do anything. You're going to get it in the packet if you do the download. The model that my journal is kind of based on, loosely based on, is the three M's model. It's mindset, meditation, and motion. Because I believe those three are pretty simple and foundational things that I get, I understand.

I can move forward with those in a pretty positive way. And so on the mindset piece, ⁓ the two key pieces for me, one is gratitude and the other is identity statements. So those two anchors for me, from a gratitude point of view, I know that the most positive, the most powerful positive emotion that I can feel is gratitude. And so I need to two minutes, five minutes, 10 minutes a day

stopping and just saying these are things that I'm grateful for. That simple act regrounds me, resets me, puts me in a position to think about others, think about other things as opposed to just all about me. And then from an identity point of view, we use what we call I am statements. But I say all the time that the world does a pretty good job of beating you up.

And so you need to take control of reaffirming yourself and saying those things that are positive about you or those things that you want to achieve. And so I do both short-term and long-term identity statements on a daily basis. I'm doing short-term identity statements in the morning. I'm looking at my calendar for the day, those things that I'm doing. And my statements could be completely different one day to the next, depending on what I'm doing that day.

If I'm going to be on stage doing presentations in front of a crowd, ⁓ my statements that day may be I'm energized and energetic, right? I'm enthusiastic, right? I I need to be saying those things so that I get geared up for that day. On other days, it may be ⁓ I'm disciplined, I'm focused, I'm a person of action. What are those things I need to say about me today?

so that I can do the things that I need to do. But that mindset piece is so critical and it's how I start my day. The second M is meditation and so I put meditation and prayer together. So the next step for me is, and it goes a little bit back to gratitude, I'm going to acknowledge those answered prayers today. And then I'm going to think about the people in my family I need to be praying for today. I'm going to think about others that I should be praying for today.

And then short-term and long-term prayers. ⁓ I'm taking time every day to do that activity. But going back and realizing those things that I prayed for yesterday or last week or last month, just 30 seconds to go, yeah. I that happened. I got that. Yeah, exactly. I tell a story about my mother that she was a classic worrier

And so one of the things that she always said was, don't tell me that worrying doesn't work because nothing I ever worry about ever comes true. So is that a source of answered prayer? Well, absolutely. I mean, if I'm spending time, I need to change worry to prayer and give that over. When I do, and then it does not come to pass, I need to stop and say thank you. Absolutely.

short-term and long-term prayers, and then, you know, what scripture am I reading and what kind of key notes or key takeaways do I have from that? So that's that meditation piece. And then the third piece is motion. And so what are you doing, whether it's cardio, strength, flexibility, know, functional training, you know, am I engaged in those on a daily basis? And if so, what are they? So that I can go back and see, because that's the...

key thing for me is if I go back and look at a week and say, know, this week wasn't that good, and I look down and I see, well, I only exercised twice. Well, I'm pretty sure that if I'd exercised five out of seven days, I would have been in a much better place than only two. Right. Right. Yeah. So that's that first model. ⁓ And if you, you know, some people go, man, that sounds like a lot. And it can be. But truly, I could do every bit of that or at least

stop and say my gratitude statements and answered prayers, right? Maybe read the verse of the day on my phone app as opposed to reading something, but I can do all that in less than five minutes. And if you say you don't have five minutes, I'm going to tell you you need to take an hour. Because if you don't have any margin in your life, ⁓ you're on the path to go from depleted to burned out.

I need to figure out a way to carve out and prioritize these things to be the most important. so getting to that, this little book, ⁓ I I filled this out this morning and it's on my calendar and it recurring every day at 8.30 to do this. And so Rory has developed this and...

And again, the gratitude statements, the I ams and all the things. I it is a powerful tool. so Rory is being kind and generous. And so if you'll say in the comments below, I want one, we'll get one to you. Powerful, powerful tool. And again, I didn't do this today just because we were recording today. I do it every day. And it's a powerful tool.

powerful tool that is beneficial. ⁓ so, don't have to do it this way. Roy's got a few other options for us, but this little tool that he's developed personally, before this came out, I was doing it in a binder. I've been doing it pretty darn close to a year now, ⁓ and it is. It's beneficial. You take that time.

because of my traumas struggle a lot ⁓ in seeing the value in myself and things like that and taking the time, and it doesn't, it doesn't take five to seven minutes, to stop and say, I am loved, I am valuable, things like that that reinforce I am a love-saved child of God. ⁓ Those types of statements and the thankfulness, being gracious, grateful of the things that

that we have that we just take for granted. Like, it's just there. I you know, I have a house and I have central air and I have this and I have that. And we don't stop to think, man, there's a crap ton of people in this world that don't even have clean water. And they've got AC and I turn the faucet on and water comes out and it's cold if I want it and it's hot if I want it and all the things. Like, we have a lot to be grateful for. And so taking that time to...

ground yourself and do those things, it's powerful. It's a great tool. And I would now let's turn that to the guy in the foster space. I would say, one, it starts with you. And you need to get that discipline in that practice. But how much more powerful would it be if in the morning you did that with your spouse or at night you talked about your day and went back and reviewed a couple of things that were in that journal?

if you taught your children the practice of gratitude statements, you taught them the practice of I am statements to affirm themselves. mean, again, think from a how do we, we all do life together. We are communal creatures that need to be in that space. so absolutely, my journal is a personal thing for me, but I could also be having those conversations with my spouse or with my kids.

And so ⁓ we just had some coins made that are going to start going into every placement package and it's got our logo on it on the back side. It says, I am valuable and loved. And the point is for kids to carry this solid coin around in their pocket as a reminder, I am valuable and loved. because the power of that statement is

is immense, right? And so, ⁓ so yeah. So with the other tools, we talked about the three M's. Yes, I'll go through the other three tools really pretty quick. Foundationally, a piece that's in every one of these next three tools is rest. Right? So am I getting enough sleep? You what word do I use? But rest, sleep, recovery time. But the next one is called the five S's. And so it starts with sleep.

Am I getting that sleep on a regular basis? What about support? So that's again, we're doing life together. So mentors, friends, family, who am I surrounding myself with to be that support structure? Silence, which kind of lines back to that meditation. How often are, you know, and I think at least I'm guilty, I don't know about anybody else, but I'm guilty of prayer time going, here's my list of requests.

But never stop to be silent, to listen, to be quiet. So very powerful on that S. ⁓ Structure. We talked about the routines. Yeah. routines. And then stretching or motion, right? But that stretching, flexibility. When you're 20, ⁓ you're probably pretty flexible. Maybe you don't need to have a practice of stretching. But the older you get, the more you ought to be doing that.

muscles, tendons, ligaments, they all need to be worked. And so what are we doing that? those five S's of self-care, each one of these models has a different way that they interpret how you should use them. And so the five S's, ⁓ it says pick one or two of those to focus on for the week and have that as your practice for the week. And then the next week you go, maybe I do need to stay with structure. I don't have structure. I don't have that yet. ⁓

But I may need to say, OK, structure's pretty good, but inside that structure now, I need to build in five minutes of silence, where I just stop and sit. No radio, no TV, no phone, no Facebook. Just how am I being quiet? ⁓ Very, very powerful kind of set. But on a weekly basis, picking two of the S's and saying, I'm going to focus on those. The third one is called the.

the four R's, so I feel a little bit like a Baptist preacher right now. Because I've got five S's, I've got four R's, I've three M's, right? But the four R's are rest, right? mean, again, spending time in reflection. whether that's journaling or talking to friends or just some time of reflection, reframing would be the third R.

How do I go back and look at that situation that happened this morning and it was terrible, right? And then say, how do I reframe that into what can I learn from that? How can I get better, right? Four weeks from now, what do I want to be able to say about that situation that even though it was bad and not a great spot for me to be, ⁓ four weeks from now I'm gonna be in a different space because I learned from that, I'm gonna grow, I'm gonna be in a...

a different position later. And then the fourth one is recharge. So again, most often for us, that's going to be physical activity. But what am I doing to recharge, replenish, regain some strength in that space? And then finally, the fourth one is called the CARE model. So C-A-R-E, ⁓ connect, awareness, rest, and engagement. So connection, again.

is that how do I build that network of people that are in community with me? What's that connection? ⁓ Awareness goes back to self-awareness. So often we get tunnel vision and we start thinking about everybody else, but we don't take time to say, how was I? How did I show up? Yes, that person was short with me, but what did I do to generate that? So some self-awareness, rest.

course and then finally engagement to where that I'm doing activities that are other focus instead of me focus yeah you know and I think the the cycle that we get into can be oh oh poor pity for me and look how bad it is and the more I'm inwardly focused the more that spiral can go faster sure so what am I doing for others and again

great practice for family activities, children, I mean those kind of things of it's not all about us. What can we be doing to share with others, provide benefits to others? Because, and I was talking about this with Serena last week with Amarillo Angels that we don't serve because we get something. Right. But when we serve, we get something. Absolutely we do. Right.

When you volunteer, when you deliver a placement package, I took one a couple of weeks ago, and this little five-year-old girl, she loves Barbies. And she needed sheets for her bed. And so I went to Walmart, and I got some Barbie sheets. This little girl was bouncing. She was so happy that she got some Barbie sheets. It was nothing, just some sheets. And that's the...

That is the placement package. Yeah, it's stuff, but it's somebody saying, see you and I value you. And when you do that, when you go and serve in that way, you don't do it because you want to get something. You want to do it because you want to help these kids. But you do get something out of it. It boosts those good hormones, makes you feel good, and you see that I'm helping somebody that's in a hard time, and all the things.

You know, whether it's volunteering with POCN or Amarillo Angels or becoming a CASA or however you choose to serve, when you serve, you get something out of it. And I think the key is when I serve in their best interest, not in my best interest. Yeah. Right. And so, one of the most common kind of issues in, you know, kind of society today is

people feel unseen, ⁓ right? I can go through days or weeks or months and feel unseen. And so, a piece for me is what am I doing on a daily basis to find one person that needs to be seen and acknowledging that. And so that five-year-old girl, I mean, the key for her was that the placement package wasn't one size fits all, right? It was something very specific that she liked that she wanted.

and somebody actually cared enough to take the time to pick Barbie sheets as opposed to blue sheets. To pick Barbie sheets instead of just pink sheets. mean, whatever that was. But you took the time so that she felt seen. ⁓ And I think, again, the reason why I built the tool and have the model and the framework is so that this becomes second nature.

and I can be more of who I'm called to be. Exactly. Right? And if I have the disciplines and the framework to operate within, then I can do those things. But if I'm scattered and bouncing between one thing and another and I don't have any margin in my life, there's very low likelihood that somebody else is going to feel seeing from interacting with me. Right? Whether that's the checker at United or Walmart or it's

somebody that you see in the hallway every day at your office, right? What are you doing to acknowledge them? ⁓ If I'm not good spiritually, mentally, emotionally myself, the likelihood that I'm going to take care of them is lower. Much lower, yeah. And I think the same thing is true for the space that we're in, this foster space, is that we get on the merry-go-round and don't ever slow down and stop to say, should I be doing? I'm just doing. Yeah.

Love it. Love it. Okay, so we talked about the 3M, the 5S, the 4R, the CARE model. So let's talk directly to some foster families who are just overwhelmed. They're exhausted. They're emotionally spent. What do you say to them?

First I say, I I can appreciate where you are, but I don't understand it completely. I mean, I can't put myself in the space that you're in. I mean, first. So any advice that I'm going to give you is going to be only from a theoretical or from an outsider's point of view, but you're doing you. And so your life is way harder. And we all have different levels of taking life hard, making life hard.

Life's just being hard, right? But we're all in one of those three at any given time. But I think for them, it's, again, like we said when we started, none of these models, none of these frameworks are, I'm going to be fixed overnight. Right? I mean, it doesn't work that way. But what if I took 10 minutes today and was very intentional about gratitude and silence, right?

start getting structure and order back in my life. And it's a long process and it may be slow, but I mean, you are resilient, right? I mean, and you can recover, but it's, you've got to start somewhere. If you haven't read James Clear's book, Atomic Habits, he talks a lot about, it's the 1 % improvement. It's not the, I don't need to be 100 % better today, but.

What can I do today to get 1 % better? What can I do this week to get 1 % better? Because if I just get 1 % better every week for 52 weeks, I mean, I'm 67 % better by the end of the year. I mean, holy cow. I mean, how impactful would that be? Absolutely. And so in that book, one of the things that he talks about is one of the guys that he calls out and tells the story on is a guy that said, I need to start working out.

And so James Clear, his first deal was just for the first week, I just want you to have workout clothes on the chair in your bedroom the night before. That's all you need to do. Just make sure you got the workout clothes out, right? Get up in the morning and put the workout clothes on. You don't have to go anywhere. You don't have to do anything, but get in the habit of getting out of bed, putting your workout clothes on. The next week it was get out of bed, put your workout clothes on.

drive to the gym. You don't go in, right? mean, you just drive, you get to the parking lot, right? So you get, you start establishing that habit, right? Third week is workout, close on, drive to the gym, go into the gym, but don't work out. Fourth work, fourth week is close on, drive to the gym, go in, do 10 minute workout, right? I mean, so small incremental improvements as opposed to going, I need to go from zero to a hundred.

Yeah, it's not possible. It's not possible and you're gonna get frustrated, disappointed, or depressed. And I'm gonna go worse than I before. So my advice to anybody that's out there is all improvement is hard. Self-improvement is even harder. Making personal self-improvement changes is one of the most difficult things that we can do. And so I think starting small, very incremental,

but getting consistent, I mean, back to one of those S's right, structure, right, having that framework, having that process, doing that so that, you know, not six days from now, but six weeks from now, or six months from now, I can look back and see what kind of improvements I've ⁓ There's another book called The Gap and the Gain, and one of the things that they talk about in there is just that we always can see where we want to go.

And it seems very far off. There's a huge gap in between where I am today and where I want to be. But the reflection piece of turning around and just looking to see how far I've come to see what I have gained. And so again, having a tool that gives me the structure and the consistency, but then also has a measurement component in there to go, am I getting better? Am I doing this on a more consistent basis?

and look back and go, I'm, life is not 100 % under control. But it's better today than it was a year ago. It's better today than it was six months ago. How impactful can that be? Super, super. So yes, we're stressed. There's tools that can help manage and mitigate ⁓ the stress that you're in. Check out the

Click the link, do the survey. If you want one of the books, say that you want one in the show notes or in the comments section and ⁓ spend some time being grateful, looking back. Like Rory said, look back and see where you were and where you are and just be willing to try to do something. There's four different tools in here.

There's lots of different ways that you can change. Take some piece of this and change. Do something better. And the other thing I would say is that, I mean, these are all tools from a self-care perspective, right? But there will be moments in your life where self is not enough, right? And so, don't be afraid to seek out professional help from a counselor, from a priest, you know, a preacher, priest, minister.

Right? Any of those spaces could be where you have to be. Right? And there is no sin in saying, I need help. Because your life is important, your spouse's life is important, but that child's life is important as well. So, you need to be the best you so that you can take care of those kids. Absolutely. Rory thank you so much for ⁓ your time today. Tell folks how they can connect with you.

Yeah, so ⁓ you can go to my website is WestTexas.actioncoach.com. So WestTexas.actioncoach.com. And I'll put that in the show notes to Yeah, and then I am most, ⁓ I frequent LinkedIn the most from a social point of view. So Rory Shepard or Action Coach of West Texas on LinkedIn. You could occasionally see me there on Facebook or Instagram, but more so in the LinkedIn space.

because I'm in that business space. But websites got the ability to connect with me, book a call with me, interact in a different way. If you take the survey and go, this was great, or I've got a church group or a nonprofit group, my work, this would be phenomenal for, just reach out. I'd love to talk to you about it. Absolutely. Man, thanks so stinking much for coming on. Thank you for all the work that you've helped with me. ⁓

⁓ You are not alone. You're not alone. That Coffee Connection community, we are here. We may not be here physically in front of you, but we are here with you. I'll mention ⁓ Robyn Gobbel has ⁓ another podcast called The Baffling Behavior Show. It's all the places podcasts are. And the episode from this week was all about you're not alone.

You can do this. Take time. know, and it was kind of a mini pep talk. Pep talk is what she called it. But you're not alone. ⁓ Reach out. Reach out to me. Reach out to somebody in the foster care space. You are not alone. We're doing placement packages like crazy. think ⁓ we've done 40 so far this year.

I think Jennifer was telling me yesterday that we had like seven to do in the next few days. we need placement package partners. We got some funding cut, the whole Doge thing cut my salary. And so we need placement package partners. You can do $100 a month, maybe $50, buys us a case of diapers. $10 buys us an outfit.

There's about 600 kids that come into care in the Panhandle in a given year. Our goal long term, every kid that comes into care in the Panhandle in the 26 counties gets a placement package. We got a long ways to go to get there and we need your help to do that. So go to our website, panhandleorphan.org / donate, click on the button there, set up a monthly donation would tremendously help us. ⁓

do placement packages, but also do this podcast. And so, thank you, ⁓ Bracken, for your sponsorship of this episode. Ask for support, ⁓ folks. We're here to help. And reach out to Rory on his website if you're interested in getting him to come talk at an event, talk to your church, talk to your board, whatever. He's a great, great resource. And don't forget, if you want one of these books, post it in the show notes or in the

Comments that you want one and we'll get you we'll get you hooked up. Yep. Thanks Rory Thank you, Matt. Have a great day. You too. Thanks