Loving Them Well, Even When It's Hard: Emily Bell's Foster Care Story
- Jan 28
- 22 min read
Hello and welcome to All Things Foster, a place for coffee, connection, and community. Guys, I'm super excited to have Emily on with us today, but before we get into her story, I wanna thank you to our episode sponsor. If you've got a teen heading toward college, I want you to check out College Solutions, LLC in Amarillo, and their lead college funding pro, Angie Graham. College Solutions helps families navigate
the college admissions and financial aid maze. Handle funding strategies, scholarships, and even test prep, saving you money and stress. Angie and her team have guided dozens of families through finding schools that fit and keeping retirement and long-term budgets intact while doing it. Want to get ahead now so college doesn't catch you off guard later? Visit collegesolutionsllc.com and schedule your free consultation.
That's collegesolutionsllc.com. And guys, Angie's just a great lady and a great supporter of the ministry here. And so thank you for your sponsorship. And if you have a kid that's getting ready for college, know, really you to start planning that, you know, like before they're born, because it's so stinking expensive. But anyways, so Emily Bell is our guest today. Thank you so much for coming today. Thank you for having me. Yeah, yeah.
So you're a foster mom, right? Right. So we're going to talk, I want to talk a little bit about just kind of your story, kind of how you got to here and hopefully, you know, maybe somebody out there that's thinking about fostering or, you know, maybe they need a little nudge or something like that. you, we talked a little bit. So you started fostering about
How long ago? 2023. so a couple years. Yes. But what was the impetus behind that? mean, very rarely does somebody just wake up one day and say, I'm going to foster. Where did that desire come from, think? I have worked in an orphan care field for a lot of my adult life.
Matt Darrah (02:21.07)
And I was briefly a foster parent as a single person in my early 20s. I met my husband, we put a break on that. And when my second born child was about two years old, my husband approached me and said, would you be ready to start fostering again? And I...
It's really just waiting for him to ask. I said yes. Yeah, like, yep. Like, I've been praying for that. But I'm not the Holy Spirit. needed him yet. So, you have two bio kiddos, right? That's right. You started fostering in 2023. you talked a little bit about your background with your family.
and stuff like that. I know you said, well, let's do this. Let's talk about your… We're going go out of order here. can edit this out. Let's talk about your work at Christian Relief Fund. You worked there for eight years, you said, at Christian Relief Fund. What do they do?
Yes, so Christian Relief Fund is an Amarillo-based child sponsorship organization. They serve children all over the world. the largest community or I don't know how to say this, the largest sponsorship program that CRF has is in Kenya. They sponsor well over 3,000 children in Kenya. And so I worked at CRF as the
sponsorship director over the Kenyan programs. So what did that entail, sponsorship? Were those kids just from poor families? Were they orphans? it all... With CRF in Kenya specifically, the primary child that is sponsored is going to be an orphaned child. Now this could look like the loss of one parent.
Matt Darrah (04:38.452)
So perhaps their dad passed away or perhaps he left the family. They've got a single parent home. Some of these kids are what we would call total orphans, which means that they had the absence of both parents. They live with guardians, with relatives, with neighbors. The foster care industry looks a lot different in a developing country. And so it really consists of communities rising up and raising the children. And so...
These most vulnerable children are the ones that CRF chooses to put in the sponsorship program. However, there are situations where maybe the family is in a uniquely extreme poverty and their children could be up for sponsorship as well. So in sponsorship is like you pay a little bit each month.
That helps the kid go to school, get clothes, have food and that kind of stuff? Yes. For $35 a month, it covers a child's school tuition, their uniform, their clothing, their daily food. It gives them access to clean water because usually at least the schools will have access to some kind of a water well. It gives them access to medication when they're sick. It connects them with the local church and it gives them spiritual training as well.
Wow, so yeah, this kind of passion for the orphan kind of goes pretty far back for you then. Yes, I went to Kenya for the first time at 16 and I was very impacted by the great need there but also by the passion that the people in Kenya have to take care of their own kids. That CRF really works with native Kenyans.
to run the schools, to manage the sponsorship programs, to teach the kids about Jesus. And as an American, I get to partner with them, but I am not in any way taking the place of a Kenyan. Wow. So that experience really kind of probably led you to desire to foster and pursue that.
Matt Darrah (06:53.678)
So how many kiddos have you fostered so far? Two. We fostered two kids. Okay. And then the first one, when did they come? We were placed with our first child in July of 2023. Okay. And she's still with you guys? She is still with us. Okay. So talk to us about that first placement. What was that like?
That first placement, we were called about 7 p.m. about a baby. We said yes, but we had said yes, honestly, a few times before that. That does not mean the child will be placed with you. So sure enough, they called us back 30 minutes later and said actually, nevermind. And then they called us again around 10 p.m. and said,
The other placement fell through, could you still take this child? And we said, sure. And then about midnight, a state worker showed up with a four week old baby in a car seat. It was a wild experience. My other two kids were age two and three.
So they were asleep when she arrived. the next morning they woke up and we told them, you should go peek in the baby room and look in the crib. And there was a baby in there. So what was that kind of that adjustment like with her? mean, was it pretty good? Was it tough? The adjustment of adding a little one was not difficult.
Yeah, because you'd been there and done that. the trenches of little ones at that time, having kids a year apart. That adjustment was not difficult. Opening my home to the state and everything that comes with that is a little bit more difficult. Having so many appointments and so many people dropping by and so much criticism for things that you might not agree with.
Matt Darrah (09:08.27)
It really taught me when to bite my tongue and when to advocate One worker came and said that the crib was one inch too far from the wall, you know things like that I'm having the double lock the diaper rash cream all of the things is funny, but Actually having another child It fit it felt really We had been feeling for a while that we had room for more. There was space at our table. There was space
in our home and our schedules. so having someone there, it felt really sacred because I was aware that there was another mom that was aching for her four-week-old baby. But in terms of my schedule, it felt really natural. Yeah. So talk to us about the licensing process. What was that like for y'all? It took us about six or seven months. We were licensed through A World for Children. We took
a bunch of classes and we got our house inspected by a health inspector and a fire inspector and we had a home study for something like six hours in our house. It was an intensive process, but honestly it prepared us for the intensive process of the next two and a half years of our lives. Right. Yeah.
So what have you learned about yourself through this journey?
Matt Darrah (10:46.612)
I have learned that I am a better advocate than I realized that I was. I have always been a fairly quiet-natured person, pretty passive and a peacemaker. And I realized about myself that if a child who I've been placed in responsibility over them is struggling and not getting the support that they need, that I will...
tear the place down until they get what they need. Mama bear comes out, Look, you have to do that. I had Jara on here last week from CASA and you know...
Somebody's got to speak up. Somebody has got to fight for what's best for the kiddos, not what's best and easiest for everybody else. Yes. Absolutely. So what has this taught you about trauma and resilience? Have there been much? mean, she's still pretty young. Has there been much?
Of a struggle with like trauma response and things like that start a response and stuff there there have been Things that I've seen that are related to trauma I think I cannot tell you how many times that somebody saw that we were fostering an infant and would say well At least you get one that doesn't have any trauma. Yeah That's not the reality that is not there is absolutely trauma Where even people close in our lives will say wow?
I didn't realize this would be a source of anxiety already for this child. And I'm trying to be vague because, know, this is her story. her story began with a lot of loss and a lot of fear. And that does not disappear just because she was a baby. Right. There's a book. It's on my list to read.
Matt Darrah (12:57.004)
but it's called The Body Keeps Score. And so we did a five part series on trauma a few months ago. even in utero, there are a lot of things that happen that have long standing impact. so.
You there is that, well, you got her when she was little. She doesn't remember anything, so she should be fine. And it's like, that's not how it works. What's the biggest challenge, you think?
I think the biggest challenge has been
lack of control and lack of certainty. Even when a case seems to be going one way, all it takes is for another person to take the case and it goes a completely different way. Yeah, you said how many caseworkers? We had nine caseworkers in under 18 months. Goodness. And each person came in with different ideas of what should happen and what needs to happen.
Now, I have learned that control is an illusion. That's true. We can never control what's going to happen to our kids. You know, we had an accident with my very active four-year-old this summer who is this has nothing to do with foster care, but he ended up getting life flighted to Lubbock with an injury because he fell down and hit his head. you know, I can try to control, but at end of the day, I can't keep my kid from
Matt Darrah (14:41.006)
climbing things and running around.
But I love to feel like I'm in control. so when there's this little child who I just so desperately want to have permanency and be safe and I also just want to know what's going to happen in six months, but that's just not the reality when you're in the middle of foster care. Like you said, it changes with every person. That's one of the things that I did. Did she have a casa?
Matt Darrah (15:22.458)
Yeah. Yeah. For the end. Okay. You know, I mean, I know in our story we had a CASA that was just so, so valuable. you know, because, like, say somebody's got to stick up for them. And, you the CASA worker is the only person in that courtroom who doesn't, shouldn't have an agenda. And their goal is to...
talk about what's best for the kiddo, but you have so many moving parts and pieces and everybody has their own idea of what should happen or what needs to happen or whatever. so, yeah, letting go of that control is a challenge for sure. What's the best thing? What's the best thing?
The best thing has been learning more and more about the gift of hospitality. I have loved welcoming children into my home. I've also learned to love welcoming strangers into my home. The state into my home, you know, CPS, height and monitoring people into my home. Every person that comes into my home...
is overworked and burned out and overburdened and being able to do my best to be on the same team as them has been very rewarding. love welcoming people. Not to say that they've all been easy to work with, but it has been a gift instead of totally a burden. And then teaching my children
how to welcome someone in, even if it's not forever, into their family, into their birthday parties, into church on Sunday mornings and movie nights and all of the things. That has been a gift for me to see them be excited to welcome kids into our home. Yeah. That's, you know, there's people out there that'll be like, well,
Matt Darrah (17:44.3)
you know, what about your own kids? And I do believe that there's a...
a lot of learning, I think, that can happen with bio kids when it comes to loving this child that comes in for a week, a month, a year, or whatever. so, I do. I think it can be a good thing for bio kids to see. I think it is good. We try to...
communicate to our kids that everything is not about them, including their home. We want to live missionally as a family. sometimes that looks like me and my husband going on a mission trip. Sometimes that looks like we're welcoming someone into our house for a few months.
But we want our kids to learn to live missionally and sacrificially and not have everything about their lives revolve around them, which I think it's really easy for a child to feel that way. Yeah. Yeah, especially especially here. Not in Amarillo, but in the US. know, God, $35 a month, feeds, clothes, schools, everything for a kiddo in Africa. We just we have no no idea how.
how blessed we are, you know. And so to demonstrate that to our kiddos, it's a valuable lesson. It is. them. So how has this shaped your marriage? It has strengthened our marriage doing foster care. It is a very isolating experience. least in our circle, we were some of the first people that we knew.
Matt Darrah (19:49.026)
that were foster parents. And even though our community has loved and supported us really well, at the end of the day, there is nobody else that understands the case more. There's nobody else that understand what it's like to parent your situation better than your spouse. You know, there was nobody that understood the sorrow and the anger and the frustration that I would encounter in different parts of our
youngest child's case. But my husband did. And so we were really able to be strong when the other one was feeling weak and vice versa. And we were just sounding boards for each other consistently through the whole process. Yeah, you talk about being lonely. mean, that, I think, I think that may be one of the number one challenges for
foster and adoptive families is if you're not in it, you don't you don't get it, you know, and that's part of the reason for this podcast is partly to generate some community, right? If if you know, they may not be sitting here talking to you, but they can listen to your story and have some some community in that. But also to for the community to see
Like this is foster care, this is adoption, this is, and you know, there was a nationwide study that said that between half and two thirds of foster families quit within the first year, and the number one reason that they decided was that they didn't feel support from their community. And so it is, it's a lonely, difficult journey. And so, yeah, mean.
If it doesn't build your marriage, it's going to destroy it, you know, so that's good. I love that. I think it helped our marriage that we've always done things as a team. Just like how I was a foster parent before we got married. But it would have never worked out if it had only been my passion to foster. I think we would have crumbled.
Matt Darrah (22:10.028)
with this experience, but when it was both of us that was equally passionate about this ministry, then we can hang on to each other when times are hard. I'm sure people have said this to you.
I could never do that. Because if I did, would love them and I wouldn't be able to let them go. What is that? How do you respond to that?
Matt Darrah (22:38.818)
I usually try to respond with a slightly kinder version of I have regular people feelings. I don't know why people think that foster parents have this innate ability to just not attach to children and not feel sad when they leave. And so I, I've even told someone before it is invalidating of me.
and my emotions when you tell me that you would get too attached. Because that's presuming that I didn't. Right. And if you're doing it right, you're gonna get super attached. Right. And it may only be for a little while, but it may be forever too. we honestly
hope that it's not forever. We want them to go back with their bio-family and be safe and be stable and be secure and all the things. That's the goal. Sometimes it doesn't work out that way. man, When people say that, I tell them so.
You would love them too much to actually love them. Right? I mean, that's where it's at because you can't do this and do it right and do it well if you don't just give yourselves to them and just love them. Another response that I've had for people is you don't foster for yourself. You foster for the child.
And so if it was for yourself, then you would go into it with certainty and you would know exactly how it was going to end. There is not a lot that fills your cup as the foster parent of the process. You do it to serve the child. Yeah. That's ultimately what we're here for is to provide a safe and stable loving home for however long it needs to be. Right. You know? And so...
Matt Darrah (25:04.014)
What would you, what do you want other people to understand?
about this uncertainty and the worry, the concern, the hope that things will go right. What would you want to share about that, you think? Probably the other biggest remark that I get other than that I could never do that would be, how long will you have them? That's probably the number one.
thing that I've heard people ask. And I think what people don't realize about foster care is that when you say yes, it is for anywhere from one day to 18 years. And it's not like you know, maybe even until years down the road.
Sometimes it is a difficult question to answer when you're hoping that you it's going to go a certain way but you still don't know and you're scared to answer that question of how long will you have her and you think I would really like it to be forever but that's I can't say that. So I would tell I wish people would understand that foster parents have no idea what the timeline looks like ever.
Yeah, you go into it saying, like say for a day or for 18 years, you just, don't know. And so that kind of gets back to that control. Like we don't have any control. We don't even have a voice in court. Unless something happens and you know, but...
Matt Darrah (27:00.278)
So looking back, what is something that either somebody did, people did, that has been super beneficial for y'all?
Matt Darrah (27:15.126)
I think people still being present as our friends, even when our world is upside down, has been a huge deal. I've had friends who were going to come over for dinner and we had a court case that, or a court that was extremely difficult and they still came. They brought the dinner instead of me cooking it, but they still came and our kids still played and they cried with me and my husband.
And when we were placed with our first placement, one of our friends showed up with like a 24 pack of Clorox wipes. But it doesn't always have to be a monetary or physical gift. Not to let those things are very helpful, but just people not feeling too awkward or nervous to stop showing up.
but that they still show up and they still are just present with you in your life. Through all the uncertainty and the questions and all the things, just being, just having that support is super important. So what's something that you wish people either would have done or would do, you know, to make things a little bit...
easier or better.
Like talk to the small group out there that says, you know, I don't know what to do, so I don't do anything. Like this is an idea of something you could do that would be super beneficial. You know what I mean?
Matt Darrah (28:58.222)
I think food is the biggest act of love, gesture of love for any family in crisis, no matter if there is a death in the family or a birth in the family or a placement in the family or a crazy court day or you know X, Y, and Z. think removing the difficulty of knowing what to make for supper allows that parent to
focus on the family's immediate needs instead. Food has been a big blessing for us. Even I've had someone send me a $50 DoorDash gift card. Food, you do not have to worry about food today. That has been a big blessing. think the friends who don't have tons of questions, but just have their
willingness to listen, but don't want to know every hard and dirty detail that I can't even share, even if I wanted to, but that they are just willing to just be friends. And they're not trying to get information out of that conversation. Just being, yeah, just being present and being with his, like I said, it's a lonely journey.
It's a lonely, lonely journey. so, it's just having people that will just be there.
So if someone was talking to somebody and they were like,
Matt Darrah (30:47.67)
you know, how does it feel like or what is it, what would you, I'm gonna try to say.
What is, if someone comes and talks to you and says, hey, I'm thinking about fostering, what would you, what do you say?
Matt Darrah (31:08.206)
That answer depends on how I feel about foster care that day. It's usually something like, it is so horrible, you should do it. It is so difficult. I encourage people to...
be pro-biological family as much and as safely as they can. You know, even though we have a child who stayed with us, I try to be pro-biological family in the way that I talk to her about her family and the way that I want her to embrace who she is and where she came from and who she looks like.
and how I treat the members of her biological family that I know with as much respect as possible. I think it's really easy and common for foster parents to go in and just be automatically anti-family. And I do think the system sometimes pits us against each other immediately. And I think the idea is that right now this child has more family than they did before. Let's be on one team.
and just love this kid until whatever's gonna happen happens in two years down the road. That would be something that I encourage them to do is these are people that you may only know for six months or these are people that you may know to some degree for the next 30 years of your life. so treat every single person with respect. Yeah, I was talking.
I think it was last week, that there's a stigma surrounding having a child in care for whatever reason. so there is a cycle. And so having compassion on them for
Matt Darrah (33:33.984)
whatever they're going through, whatever they've been through, is important. I mean, it is. And so, I like your, to start there. That would be the first thing is think about the bio-family. I like that. I love that attitude. It's a really difficult balance because you do feel some righteous anger when you hear the child's story. Yeah.
And it's also really difficult, I think, to wrestle with the balance of, I believe that this person is not safe to raise children right now. However, this person was probably in this child's exact same situation 25 years ago. Except that nobody took care of them. And that, I think, when you look at any human being with compassion,
It helps you to not turn them into a villain, but you just see them as a human being.
That's good. Yeah, see them as a human being. And like you said, 25 years ago, they might have been in the same situation and nobody stood up for them. I don't know what the statistics are, but I do know that a ton of the kids who are in care, their parents were in care. And it is a cycle. It's a generational cycle.
We're believers, we see it as scriptural, whether you see it as scriptural or just the reality is that... Who was I talking to? I had a counselor on and... I was reading a book. And they talked about the epigenetics, right? Not the genes themselves, but the way the genes are turned on, they have proven that it's carried to the third and fourth generation.
Matt Darrah (35:39.53)
a person who has an addictive behavior, their child has a proclivity, not that they will be, but they have a chance to be. And so those genes, the way that they're turned on and off carries over to the third and fourth generation, which is straight out of Scripture. so whether you're a Christian and believe that it's scriptural or just the fact, it's the fact that this stuff is generational.
And so having that compassion for the family is super important. So you got a couple of packages, right? We did, yes. So talk to us about what's that like? It was so meaningful. I did not know anything about you guys when I became a foster parent. And when we were given our first placement, she came in the middle of the night. She had on...
the outfit that she came in and nothing else. I mean, we didn't even know what kind of formula to use. It came with nothing. And y'all came the next day, I think by like 1 p.m. And yeah, y'all gave us the first girl clothes that she had. We had some gender neutral clothes in different sizes because we didn't know who would be coming.
And you brought us like several little baby girl outfits and those were her first girl clothes in our house. And it was just so meaningful that it showed us that we weren't alone from the first few hours of that placement. Yeah, the second placement, she was five and she turned six during the placement and
So I let her open that duffel bag herself and she was so excited. She was jumping up and down. She was cheering. I mean, she was given things of her own and she recognized that there were more people than even in that house right at that moment that knew who she was and cared about her. was very impactful to her. I love that. I love that. You know, I used to deliver all the packages myself. Now that, you know, that I've...
Matt Darrah (38:01.664)
started doing this full time and there's all this stuff that I had no idea what I was getting into, right, as far as how to run this nonprofit. And so I don't get to deliver them as much as I used to. But I had a caseworker call me a couple weeks ago and she said the foster mom had called her because
you know, the kids were open and everything and she said the kids were like bouncing up and down and she said, asked her, she said it, she said they said it felt like it was Christmas. And then it was like, are we still gonna get Christmas? Right. But man, it's, you know, we know what it felt like to out of the blue, here's some kids and not have...
anything and you know people bring in stuff and so you do. The hope is that that you feel seen, that kiddo feels seen, obviously not four weeks old, you know, she's not jumping up and down but yeah and being there within 24 hours, mean those first few days are crazy, right? Yes. And you know, I mean I don't know how much of it's physical paper anymore, like
when you first come, but when we were there, I God, I must have signed my signature like 67 times on all this mountain of paperwork and stuff like that. yeah, just trying to have some, seen and know the community because I mean, we're,
Without the community, we can't do this. The volunteers that deliver, the businesses that run Moses Closet Drives, the foundations that give us support, all the things. It takes the whole community. I'm glad that we were able to do that. What final encouragement would you offer to families that are either fostering currently or in a tough time?
Matt Darrah (40:14.328)
What would you say?
That's a great question.
For families who are in a difficult time in their foster journey, I would encourage you that.
Matt Darrah (40:34.266)
you are seen in the moment when you are in the trenches, whether it's of trauma or difficulty caused by the system itself, it feels like there is nobody else that knows what it feels like to be in that moment and feel the way that you feel.
And you feel all of the conflicting things like the yeses and the noes all at the exact same time like I hate this and I love this and I want to stop right now but I want to keep doing this and this is the worst and this is the best and it doesn't even make sense to somebody who is not a foster parent but that you are seen I am also a believer and the realization that
God says that His grace is sufficient and that His power is made perfect in weakness. Nothing that you ever do as a parent or a foster parent or an adoptive parent, any kind of parent is enough, but God is enough. And at the end of the day, we just have to trust that He knew the end of the story, the moment that child was removed from their home.
Yeah. Trust in the Lord. Love that. Any final words of hope or wisdom?
Matt Darrah (42:13.694)
I would say I have learned this and I would encourage every new foster family to do the same as much as possible. Just live in the moment when you are thinking to the next court date and the next caseworker visit and the next this or that.
You lose so much joy. You may not know if the child will still be with you by your next family vacation or by the next school year or by the next holiday, but they are with you today and embrace that day and enjoy it as much as possible. Try not to think about what's two weeks down the road. Think about today. Yeah. Live in the present.
Yes, I know that's cliche, but it means so much when you're in foster care. Yeah. Wow. I love that. Good, good, good. Encouragement. Live in the moment. Stop worrying about tomorrow because you can't change it anyways. Exactly. I love that. Well, Emily, thank you so much for coming today and sharing with our audience. you know, sharing, you know, this is a private journey.
And so it means a lot and hopefully somebody out there heard something today that will keep them going. Thank you. Thank you for having me today. Absolutely. Well, thank you guys. Guys, don't forget, subscribe, like and share the podcast. We this year, so last year we did 80 placement packages in 2024, 2025 we've done 161 this year.
So we've doubled what we did last year. And so in order to get to where every kiddo gets a placement package, that's the big goal. We need supporters. Go to our website, painhandleorphan.org slash donate. $10 a month buys us one outfit a month. If $50 buys us a case of diapers, $100 buys us all the clothes we need for one placement package. so think about that. And we want to...
Matt Darrah (44:23.33)
There's about 600 kids that come into care in the 26 counties in a given year. And so we got a long ways to go to get to where every kid will get a placement package. So please consider doing that. And thank you guys for tuning in. We'll catch you next week.
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