Holding Space: A Foster Care Series on Grief and Healing Part 2

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zkcao1rd7mw

Matt Darrah (00:00)

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Matt Darrah (01:27)

Hello and welcome to All Things Foster, a place for coffee, connection, and community. Guys, we're in the second episode of a four-part series on grief, and I'm really excited to continue this conversation with our guest from last week, Laura. But before we get to that, ⁓ this episode is brought to you by West Texas Wellness Center in Amarillo, where your health and wellbeing are their priority.

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to learn how Dr. Parker and his team can help you move better, feel better and live better naturally. So Laura, thank you for coming back week two. I'm excited to talk. I say excited, it's a tough, tough topic, but I am glad to get a perspective on grief because ⁓ it's kind of an un-talked about kind of issue with.

with regards to foster care. And so before we get into that, reminder listeners or those that weren't able to be here last week, tell us a little bit about you. Yeah, my name is Laura Bounds and I'm a licensed professional counselor. I graduated from West Texas A &M University with my master's in counseling. I've worked in child and family services for the last 15 years.

and I really enjoy being in this line of work. I think it is ⁓ just very special work. It's an honor to be able to walk with families and kiddos through ⁓ just, I would say, a journey. Sometimes it's a hard journey. Sometimes it's ⁓ a happy journey, but a journey.

Currently I'm working with Cal Farley's Boys Ranch and I'm really enjoying that. And then I also work as a counselor in private practice. And so just being able to talk about this topic is really important. ⁓ Kind of where we left off and talked about in our last segment was just how.

We don't always talk about grief. We don't always talk about feelings related to grief. Because a lot of us grew up in a time where maybe you didn't talk about it because we're not supposed to talk about feelings and emotions. But we now know that it's important to talk about things. It's important to have an emotional outlet for things that affect us. And so I'm really excited to be here today. Yeah, I'm glad you came back.

stick around for another episode. And we're gonna have two more episodes after this one, guys. But we talked last week just about, know, there's, there's, there's, kiddos are struggling with grief. They've been removed from their normal, even though probably a lot of folks would not consider it a healthy environment.

It's their normal and so when they're taken out of that environment, it's scary. They don't feel safe and they're grieving a loss. Oftentimes they're grieving the fact that they're not in the same school. They're not even in the same county. Maybe they're not even in the same, oftentimes they're not even in the same state. They get sent to Arkansas to live with a distant cousin or something like that ⁓ or just a different part of the.

of the state of Texas or whatever. And so there's a lot of grief associated with the kiddos and what they're feeling. Today, we're gonna talk a little bit deeper about grief, kind of set the stage for, grief is not just, I mean, there's lots of different kinds of grief, right? In regards to this,

this environment of foster care and adoption, right? Yes. ⁓ I think particularly in regard to grief, it's important to remember just the attachment styles. And for what we're talking about today, I kind of want to talk about and put a focus on ambivalent attachment, because that is what I think a lot of our kiddos that come into care ⁓ kind of struggle with is.

missing an unsafe caregiver at the time, ⁓ being removed from the home because something's not safe, right? And helping them to understand ⁓ there is this, ⁓ I think, conflict, inward conflict of I miss this person, I'm hearing that they weren't safe, you know, and understanding that and walking through that with the child because that loyalty kind of conflicts with, ⁓ you know, the...

I love this person, And understanding that the environment wasn't safe. And so it creates this emotional distress. And so helping to normalize.

for that child, you can miss someone and still need to be safe from them. And helping them to also understand you can love someone and still need to be safe from them. And walking them through the emotions that are ⁓ correlated with that. So we may see, you know, ⁓ more meltdowns in toddlers. We may see some, I would say,

maybe

aggression at times, whether verbal or physical, and trying to help them to navigate those challenging emotions behind that behavior. Because again, behavior is communicating something to the caregiver, right? ⁓ And so that's so important. I would say just kind of a statistic that I read is over 50 % of youth report longing for their biological parents even after removal. And that's important because that means that every other

that might come into a caregiver home, and I actually probably would believe that it would be more than 50%. They are going to need that support. They're gonna need someone to kind of walk them through that. And it is hard as a caregiver to have our own feelings and feel a certain way about an unsafe environment, right? But being able to separate that because lots

of times there are underlying circumstances of why that unsafe environment occurred. Yeah. And so being able to separate that so that we can walk this child supportively through what they may be feeling. Right. Yeah. You know, I'm 45 and I was adopted at two and my biological mom found me years later. That relationship was not healthy, ⁓ but she didn't know who my biological father was.

And so even at 45, I've been dealing with this for 43 years, there's still times when I grieve the fact that I don't know who my dad was. I know who my adoptive dad and I love him to pieces, but there's this ache for this person out there. My brother paid for me to do one of those...

DNA things or whatever. this was years ago and I still periodically get emails to my email where it says, hey, we've added new family members and I'll go in there and I'll look for it. And there's just this little piece that says, maybe I'll find him. And so that doesn't mean that I didn't love my parents and all these different things, but there is.

And I like how you put that, where you can love the person and it's still not be safe. ⁓ And we as foster homes, as adoptive homes, need to be cognizant of this kind of dissonance between the inside, this kiddo who, yeah, I love him, and it wasn't safe. Right? Yeah.

Something that I think is really important here is that I think as honest as it is appropriate to be, and again, looping in the therapist when those hard conversations come up, but I do know that as honest as we can be for kiddos is so important.

and helping them, know, because kids can tell when you're not telling the full truth. When you're not, you know, when you're kind of beating around the bush. And it's important that they know that when they hear from their caregiver, they can believe what they're saying. They can trust what they're saying. Because when we're not clear with our kiddos, it leaves them in a place where they don't know. And so some of the feelings and emotions that ⁓ we might not see as ⁓

excessive, I would say, as far as the negative emotions, we could kind of calm some of that with being honest and giving them as much information as is appropriate. And I think, again, looping in the counselors so that they can help with some of those conversations is important too. But I do think it's normal to want to know where you come from. It's normal to want to know the

history of your life and you know, I think those are questions that you know, for kids when it's appropriate, we need to be open with them about those things. ⁓ And so, you know, I think some of ⁓ the normal just grief that is going on internally.

is perpetuated even more significant because of this inward conflict of, know, I want my caregiver, I want my home, but.

I can't be there because people are telling me that it wasn't safe or that, you know, I think we need to be very careful when we're talking about, ⁓ you know, the biological parent in terms of saying they did something bad and being able to help kiddos, you know, not to have information that's appropriate, that's, you know, therapeutically appropriate, but also, you know, helping them to understand that

that

they did not do something bad, that they are safe now and that it is understandable and it is normal for them to want their mom or their dad.

And it really is heartbreaking to think about what kids go through during that period. And so that's why I think it's so important that we're doing this podcast just to educate and help caregivers to understand that these are hard topics. These are not easy conversations. But also, you know, at the end of the day, we just want to make sure that the kiddo is doing OK and can understand things, you know, in a way that makes sense to them.

but we also definitely do not want them to feel bad about themselves or create a situation where ⁓ they are beating themselves up for something or just having open and honest conversations that are therapeutically appropriate. Right, yeah. Well, let's talk because there are different ⁓ types of grief in this continuum, really.

between all the different things. So let's start with the child's grief. So sometimes you might miss people who hurt you, and that's confusing, and that also doesn't mean that there's something wrong with you. It means that you love them, right? Yeah. And I think, you know, it's important to just...

kind of talk them through that and just be open and honest about what their feelings are related to that. ⁓ Sometimes, you know, as foster parents, you can have your kiddos name their grief ⁓ and they can be able to talk about, you know, I'm feeling angry today, I'm feeling sad today, you know, whatever that may look like for them. But being able to name what they're feeling because that's so important. And then being able

to walk them through coping mechanisms for whatever filling that may be. for some kiddos, that may be that they need to maybe write a letter to mom. I really encourage this to specifically occur in therapy a lot because some of the things that they may want to write, they may not want to share, and it's nothing against the caregiver. It's just something that, you know,

that they may not feel ready to share or may just want to share with a therapist and that's okay too. I think something that's important for the caregiver to know is just that you know that kiddo felt open enough to tell you what they needed and just knowing that they're going to take those steps that you're giving them but you don't necessarily have to be a part of you know whatever that may look like and

I think also giving the child...

a way to talk with you about hard conversations. you know, sometimes kids don't want to say, I'm feeling really angry about this. so sometimes some families will create a code word. And I know it sounds kind of cheesy ⁓ just to be able to say, you know, this is code for when I'm feeling this way. And I really these are the three things that help me being left alone, sitting and having a talk, going for a walk, those types

of things can be really helpful. I think also it's important, you know, to ⁓ help kiddos understand too that this is a normal...

feeling everybody feels this way and being able to relate it to other parts of life too. we, you know, they may be feeling grief being removed from their home and placed in a new home, but other people sometimes feel grief whenever someone moves away. Other people feel grief whenever they change their situation. Maybe it's a job or maybe it's, you know, sometimes people change churches, sometimes people change schools.

types of things. So I think that's really important too. But I do think that, know, whatever you can do to talk about it is so important in the home, especially because if the kiddo is coming to you and wanting to talk with you, that means that you've created a relationship and they trust you. And they feel safe. Yeah. So that's important. They're opening up to you. That's, yeah.

I think also being able as a caregiver to maybe talk through conversations. ⁓

even if you don't understand what they're feeling. Because some people, I mean, we're all different in how we feel about, you know, different circumstances, right? Some things that other people do I may not understand and never be able to fully understand, but I still can listen and walk through whatever those feelings may look like. And I think each kiddo needs to have that opportunity as well. Do you think it's important for

to a note that a parent, excuse me, even if, parent that was a foster kid themselves and then was adopted and things like that, do you think it's important to note that they may think, know what you're going through, I know what you feel, but do you think it's important to note that that's probably not the...

best thing to say. Yes, I think lots of times that has the best of intentions. I know how you feel, but I think sometimes it can be off-putting, for lack of better word, to say kiddos, because, you know...

how do you know how I feel? And kind of helping them to openly talk and freely talk because I think when you say that statement, it kind of puts a limit on how they might be able to feel because you know how they feel and you know how you feel. But being able to just say, that must be really hard. Being able to validate how they're feeling and not minimize how they're feeling. Letting them have that opportunity

to explain and talk and discuss all of the feelings, emotions, ⁓ thoughts, even if they have ideas of what they wanted this to look like and it's not looking like that, and just being able to sit there with them and let them have that. What do you think about, say, parent that's fostering, that's adopted, what do you think about saying,

I went through something and this is how I felt that might try to give the kiddo some language. You know what I'm saying? I'm not saying I know you feel this way, but this is how I felt. Yeah. I think when you put that specific perspective on it,

it makes it more therapeutic in terms of the kiddo being able to say whether there are similarities or differences in that and being able to recognize that and, you know, feeling heard, you know, because you're explaining what you've been through, not saying, know how you feel, but just saying, this is how I felt. And it's different in that way. And I think that that is a much more appropriate way to kind of, ⁓ you know, have those conversations.

they want to be heard. And I think specifically in these situations where ⁓ things are hard and the conversation just feels maybe overwhelming at times, just to have the opportunity to have someone just be there with them again. And I know it sounds so small. And again, we're fixers, we're helpers. But in those moments, silence can be very therapeutic also.

None of us went into this with this idea that... I guess I should say it this way. Most people that go into this go into this because they want to kiddos that are struggling make it through. But when we try to step in and fix things, usually it doesn't go well. No.

No, and I think that, you know, brings us kind of back to the kiddos having some control too. And I think it's important to recognize that that that is something that is.

one of the things that they get to have authority over, right? And it's not even a lot of control. It really is just how they feel or what they think they want this to look like. And so...

I just feel like it's something that if we can give them as much control as we can give them back is very important. And then also really allowing them to kind of work through what would make them feel better. I think sometimes we feel like we have to... ⁓

just let them kind of work through things on their own or, you know.

it's a question worth asking, what would make you feel better? Just to see what they would say. And they may not know. And if they don't know, then you kind of just continue to talk, or if silence is feeling right, and it doesn't feel right, it feels uncomfortable, but that may be what the kiddo needs. But just letting them have the opportunity to express what they need to express in the ways that they need to express it. Yeah. And I think also,

know something else that can be hard for caregivers to is knowing that someone hurt them and they care about this child and not holding not you know

knowing those feelings are there and being able to separate those, ⁓ especially in these conversations where a kiddo might be showing an emotional, ⁓ they might be tearful, they might be noticeably hurt. And so I think we always want to protect kiddos and we always want to be able to be there for them. And so we can, again, validate even if we don't understand.

and then also avoiding minimization of what they may be going through and letting them speak it in the language that they want to speak it in. And then also just inviting them to let those emotions out. So if that is drawing, if it's talking, if it's going and doing something, that's really important. Okay. So we've kind of talked a lot about

the grief that the child is looking at. What about foster parents? Right, because they have grief too. Yes, I think that's really important too. And I don't think we talk enough about that either because we have kind of a systems approach with that, know, kind of in regard to...

kind of signing up for ⁓ a position. But we're dealing with human emotions, right? And so it's only natural that a caregiver is going to feel a certain way for a kiddo. And so that, I'm really excited about just kind of talking through some of this because I think it's important to normalize that.

a foster parent, a caregiver would feel sad when a child leaves, a foster care provider or a caregiver would feel upset if someone hurt a child that they cared about or, you know, there's just lots of different situations and examples where it's normal for us to feel a way that we feel because we care. All right. And even so, like holding space for the fact that let's say that, you know, the kiddos come into care

BioFamily really does the work and really gets to where they need to be. And so the foster family is very comfortable with and glad that they're going back to a really positive environment and still feel grief over it. Right. And that's one of the things that I feel like sometimes foster parents don't feel like they can...

express that because then if they express it then it means that they're not doing their job right or they're doing something wrong but I think it's important that you know we talk about it because it would only make sense that someone is going to be sad because they miss someone who was a part of their life for you know however long that was. You think about it when you have family come and visit they might stay two weeks or when you have like an old friend come and visit and they may stay

a

couple of days, you miss them when they leave. And so the amount of time that, ⁓ you know, families are with these kiddos, it is a hard transition. And it is something that I think that, you know, people have to take care of themselves. And so, you know, going to therapy, if that's something that they feel like would be helpful. I'm a therapist, so of course I feel like it would be helpful. But also, you know, self-care for them.

if that is taking time that they need to take to grieve and feel those emotions. What happens if we don't feel emotions is that they kind of bottle up inside us and it's like a pressure cooker. You know, at some point it may just be some minor inconvenience and it is a huge blow up because the feelings never came out. ⁓ And so we really, really want to focus on making sure that we're getting those feelings out and being able to talk about it through maybe, you know, if they

belong to a support group. ⁓ I know that most caregivers and foster parents have an agency that they belong to and utilizing the staff within that agency for support and being able to talk about things. I know that there are some agencies that do offer counseling services for a certain amount of sessions for them to be able, specifically when reunification happens or when a child is adopted to be able to talk about those things. One of the things that I think really helps

foster parents is if they can continue to have that relationship with the child because

it makes a difference. ⁓ And so I think also being able to know how the child's doing or getting updates or those types of things can be really significant too. Yeah, yeah. There's this big unknown. So then you worry, how are they doing? Are they safe? All these kinds of things. And so when there's not kind of a follow up,

checking in saying, you know, he or she's doing great, you know, whatever, then it does. You know, when someone dies and there's grief and you know, okay, they're gone. And I can grieve that and I can try to move past that, right? But then when this child leaves and you don't know...

and you worry about them, it's kind of this open wound that just fasters. It can be, you know?

For sure. And I think, you know, our minds like to fix problems. And so one of the things that our minds do when we don't know something is they're going to try over and over and over to solve that problem. And that's when, you know, all kinds of thoughts come into the mind and being able to, you know, I think ⁓ caregivers have to assess their emotional capacity regularly because that's really important too. And it's important to

to take breaks as needed, specifically in between placements to allow for a period of the grief process and also just to reset. Because I think it can be a lot, it can be overwhelming. yeah. And something we didn't, I'm just thinking about here as we're talking about this, because the foster,

family, foster parents, they go into this and they build these connections and then the child leaves and then they're hopeful that it's good and maybe it is, maybe it's not, whatever. ⁓ But something we didn't talk about before now is the grief of the other kiddos that are in that home that have built these.

strong relationships with the kiddos and then they're not there anymore. Those other children in that home, they struggle with that grief too. Yes, and I'm glad that you brought that up because that's a really important piece too. All of this is just being able to provide

know, tolls for kids in the home as well. And I think, you know, again, we go back to what we feel as adults, right? And so kids thinking in terms of a larger scale, we may see behaviors with our biological children after a placement leaves because they're missing them and they don't know how to communicate that. so giving opportunities for the child to miss them, whether that's, you know, we're going to write a letter to

the kiddo that just left or these are some of their favorite things and I want to remember them so we're putting it in ⁓ a box to remember them or you know drawing them a picture or maybe it's you know they're not here anymore but we're still gonna eat their ⁓ favorite meal you know like it was mac and cheese night when they're they were here spaghetti night taco night so we're gonna do that tonight you know and incorporated ⁓ the memory

of that into the home because that is okay to remember. I think it's very special to remember. I think also, you know, reminding kids that it is okay to feel how you're feeling. And again, the same thing that the caregiver would do with a kiddo placed in their home, doing those things with their biological child to let them know it's okay to these feelings. Some of them are really, really hard. And then, of course, looping in a therapist whenever, you know, they feel like it

it's needed. Yeah. You know, and maybe checking their pulse too, ⁓ to say, okay, well, we need to take this break for a month, six weeks, two months, whatever. But then maybe it's not only mom and dad need this break, but maybe my child needs this break too.

and you're pulled in 17 different directions because you're getting phone calls every other day saying, we got this, blah, blah. And so you want to jump in, you wanna help, but you also, you wanna have time to go through the grieving process for yourself, then if you're, whatever kiddos are left in that home.

They need that space to grieve too. Yes. And to think about all these different perspectives and just roles within one situation. mean, there's a lot of feelings there and it's important to recognize that. And I think as a parent, again, you want to fix something that really can't be fixed and just kind of, you know, normalizing that and giving some control of that to

the child where they can, you you can ask them what do you think would help you to feel better? And walking them through that, walking through that with them and you know, kids...

are resilient. And I think kids see things differently than we as adults do in terms of, you know, kind of remembering situations or ⁓ even just in regard to having someone in the home and then they're there, they leave to go home and how they how they understand that in their mind. And so I think something that, you know, can be helpful too is

if there is an ongoing relationship with that child, also looping your kids in with that and being able so that they can see, know, the kiddo in our home went home and here's what they're doing now and we're gonna meet them for ice cream or something along those lines when that can happen. We do know that an ongoing relationship can be very beneficial for the child placed in the home

and then also the foster family when that's able to happen. Right. And vice versa, let's say that the parents' are, the relinquished or they're terminated, when it's appropriate to have some level of connection with the biological family as well, if it's safe and all the things. Yeah.

And that kind of helps with the grief as well. Because again, we stress about not knowing how they are once they've gone back to the biological family. But the kids stress about wanting to know how their mom or their dad or their grandma or whatever, whoever it was that they were with when they were removed, how they're doing.

I think you also think of it in terms of, you know, not just the kids in the home, but also grandparents, aunts and uncles that developed a bond with that child. It really is kind of a whole family situation. And so I think that is that can be really difficult. And that's why expectations from the beginning are so important. What does this look like for our family? What are our what is our goal?

with starting to provide foster care. Do we want to be a foster family? Do we want to be an adoptive family? What does that look like? ⁓ And being very clear about that, just so that you can also ensure that you are not getting into a situation that may be really emotionally difficult. ⁓

So then we talk about, so we've got the grief from the child, we've got the grief from the parent and the other kiddos that are in the home. Let's talk about disenfranchised grief. Yeah, so disenfranchised grief is, you know, when we talk about disenfranchised grief,

so sometimes people don't understand why you're sad, but your feelings still matter. And so just thinking in terms of, you know,

specific to foster parents, maybe a friend may not understand what they're going through. And it can be really hard ⁓ to kind of communicate these things. ⁓ And I think that's why support groups are so important ⁓ and being able to have that village around you that understands. I think it makes a difference when someone goes through something that is similar and you can kind of gauge

just how they're feeling in terms of what has made it better, what made it better for you, that type of thing. But I think when we talk about disenfranchised grief, just understanding that their feelings matter.

not everybody may understand and that's okay. But this also can lead sometimes to emotional suppression where people won't talk about these things because they don't think anybody will understand. And they're filling all of these challenging feelings and that's really hard to fill something that no one understands. ⁓ And then also somatic symptoms. So where we're seeing, ⁓ you know, physical complaints based on feelings. And so it's really hard because, you know,

maybe waking up in the morning is really difficult to get out of bed because of feeling the grief or the sadness associated with that. And then also dissociation and you know not really thinking about what has occurred and trying to think about everything but what has occurred you know. ⁓ So I think that that is it's really difficult. ⁓ I think we have to find our

our village and people who will understand. This is why I think it's so important for people who have fostered for a while. I think it's a beautiful thing when they mentor other people, other people coming on to foster and helping them to...

to know that they have been there because most likely they've had a child that has left their home and helping them to understand that it's normal to feel sad, it's normal to feel grief about that, and that means you love them. I think there is ⁓ a Winnie the Pooh quote ⁓ that sometimes almost makes me cry, but it's something along the lines, how lucky am I to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard? And it's a beautiful quote, but it's also, you know,

very sad too. And so I think just having that person that understands and that won't minimize what they're feeling that will help them work through it and just be a friend to them and can somebody that they know that they can talk to. And I think also, know,

going to therapy is always helpful. Being able to talk about their feelings. And I think sometimes it's important to remember too that there may be an array of emotional feelings that someone may feel. And it is okay to feel how you're feeling.

It may not feel good in the moment, but also that's okay. And using what...

is you feel like will help you to get through that. So if it's talking to someone else who has fostered before, if it's talking to a therapist, if it's going to a support group, a foster care support group and talking through things, if it's the church pastor, I know a lot of foster parents who utilize their church family for support and I think that that's a great thing too.

but it is hard to get past if you're just kind of getting stuck there. And so, I really encourage, you know, always thinking about ways to get those feelings out. Yeah. Whether it's talking to a pastor, talking to a friend, talking to a counselor, writing it down, whatever, but like you said, not just...

stuff in it. I've run into foster families who kind of run off of a, you know, they kind of deal with the grief of the loss of that child by replacing that child with another child. And it becomes a cycle where they're, you know, they've had five, 10, 15 kids and kind of the grief just gets

for each one just kind of ended up being amplified because at some point they just collapse. And now they're, rather than dealing with the grief of each kiddo moving on, they just take more kids. And while it's a beautiful thing, it's detrimental, right?

to basically not feel the feelings, move on past the feelings without ever working through them and taking new kiddos in.

And that brings up a good reminder of, you know, not getting stuck in autopilot. Because I think sometimes when we want to avoid filling things, then we're just going to keep going. You know, we're not really thinking about things. We're not really. Yes, exactly. And so, ⁓ you know, that's not healthy for anyone in any situation. And so kind of being able to say, OK, what do I need? I really would encourage foster parents after each placement.

to be able to kind of take an inventory of where they're at. ⁓ And just kind of seeing, know, what do they feel like they can handle? Where are they at as far as, you know...

I would say the grief process, but also, ⁓ as far as being able to provide self care to themselves, ⁓ is there something that they've been wanting to do that they've put off? Because we all do that, whether it's our kiddos or a job or finding the time to do something that we really wanna do, we keep putting it off. But being able to do some of those things in between placements, being able to

really think about, you know.

where they're at and what, you know, what kinds of things they may need to do before they take another placement. Is there something do I I've had foster parents tell me we just need to take some time to heal. And I get that and I can understand that. And I'm proud of them. I had someone say to me one time this was a long time ago, but I had overcommitted myself and I had said to them, you know, I'm just not going to be able to get it done.

And they looked at me and said, congratulations on choosing you. So I would tell those foster parents, sometimes you do have to choose you. And I think when a child leaves and you have that space to be able to say, OK, we're going to hold and pause for just a moment, that's really important. But we have to be able to communicate that, because only we know our limits. And just kind of identifying how they're feeling, where they're at, what they're

What are their needs? What are some things that they may have struggled with this last time that they were fostering that they want to do better or, you know, kind of looking at those things. Yeah, take that inventory and, you know, yes, we care about the kiddos and we don't want them going all over the place and we want them to be safe and all the things, but at the same time, if we're not in a good place,

then we're not going to be a good place for the kiddos, ultimately, right? So what are some things, other than the things we've talked about, what are some other tools that they might use to work through some of this grief? We talked about writing, we talked about maybe a pastor, a friend, counseling, are there some other...

tools that you've seen that are really helpful.

Yeah, I think of course, you know, we talked a little bit about self care, but being able to, ⁓ if they have a spouse, kind of relying on their spouse to talk through things, utilizing people in their support network that, you know, they feel really lift them up, help them to feel better about things, help them to work through difficult emotions. ⁓ I think also being able to, you know, we all know the mind body connection.

⁓ if they exercise, if they eat right, if they get plenty of sleep, those types of things are so important too. ⁓ But I also think, know, just again, ⁓ being able to have the space where if they want to talk about, you know, what they're feeling, they're able to without judgment. Because whenever we feel like we shouldn't feel this way, it creates guilt and shame. And when you're already grieving, that's just adding ⁓ additional

difficult feelings on top of that. so, I really encourage foster parents to talk to someone who they feel will understand, like we've talked about before, to someone who they feel like they get ⁓ good guidance from, so maybe a pastor, or if ⁓ they are in therapy, talking to their therapist and working through any of those feelings that they may be feeling. ⁓

And

again, this is just something where if you avoid these feelings, if you avoid talking through things, ⁓ it just...

continues to accumulate. And the goal is to be able to get all of it out. And I always think of it to, you don't do anything you wouldn't want for your kids to fill or do. And so, as a parent, you encourage your kiddo to go talk to a friend or to, you know. Talk to you or something. Do something. Yeah. Those things are really important. And then we do it ourselves. Yeah. Yes.

So, ⁓ but you know, I think one of the things that is really important to remember is just, this is normal.

that there's no ⁓ right way to have a discharge from your home. There's no, there's not a way to do it without having feelings. And if someone didn't have feelings about those situations, we'd be worried about that. We want for people to care. We tell foster families, you have an extra space at your table, open your heart in your home, and you can't.

and just tell someone to turn those feelings on and off. Yeah. Yeah. Because they say, a lot of folks say, well, you know, could never do that because I would love them too much. And it's like, no. mean, foster parents are not super humans. not, you know, they have feelings and they get attached and they need to get attached in order for that kid to feel safe and seen and loved and all the things. And so...

it's natural for them at the end of it to need to grieve. so I think, like we said, we've said it several times, but normalizing the fact that it's okay to feel grief from everybody. So, all right. Well, we've had two really great episodes on grief. Grief from the various

Trying to understand better the grief and the kiddo and then the grief from the rest of the family and so next week We're gonna kind of talk about how How does grief show up? What does it look like and we're gonna have ⁓ another guest on right? So once you give us a an excerpt about her

Her name is Diane Samaniego. She currently works at Amarillo Children's Home. She's the director of their transitional living program in SIL. so something really neat about Diane is that she has the houseparent perspective because she's been a former houseparent. And then she also has two adopted kiddos. And so just hearing from her, I think will be very beneficial. And so I'm excited. I think it's gonna be great.

And I've really enjoyed talking about this topic. I want for us to get to a place, I want for us to be the generation that says, we're going to talk about feelings and emotions. It is OK to tell us how you feel. It is OK to have these feelings in general. So thank you for letting me be a part of this. I just really appreciate. Again, it's taken a lot of time to put these conversations together and then to sit down and have them.

I know you've got your own work to do and all the things and I just, really appreciate you taking the time to ⁓ be willing to come in and talk with us and try to help us work through some of this. It's just really important. So guys, thank you for tuning into this episode. Make sure to like, share, subscribe, comment where you're listening from. That'd be great to just kind of see where everybody is at. And guys,

We do placement packages. That's our main gig at Panhandle Orphan Care Network. We launched this podcast just close to a year ago, and it's been great to have a bunch of conversations and really have some positive things happen, I think, from this podcast. But our main gig is the placement package. so, kiddos come into care oftentimes with the clothes on their back. We did a placement package recently for a little girl.

She came with the diaper she had on and one sock and that was it. That was all she had. And so we step in and provide a placement package. So every kiddo gets a suitcase, a Bible, a teddy bear, book, toy and blanket. Every kiddo gets that. And then over and above that, it's customized based on the specific needs of that family and that child. And we can't do that on our own. It takes volunteers. takes...

business is hosting Moses closet drives, it takes funding from all the different sources. And so one of the things that we ask is for folks to consider becoming a placement package partner. And what that entails is setting it up in your, just go to our website and you set up once a month, it's just gonna come out of your checking account. You start to think about it. A hundred bucks a month buys us all the clothes we need for one placement package. And $50 buys us a case of diapers.

and then $10 a month buys us an outfit and all those different things really help us to begin to grow. There's over 600 kids that come into foster care in the 26 counties a year. Last year we did 161 placement packages, which is double what we did the year before. So we're excited about this growth, but we've got a long ways to go to get to where every kid will get a placement package. So we need your help to get there. So if you're interested, go to our website, PanhandleOrphan.org.

Get that monthly donation set up. It'll help us to continue to grow, to provide more content like this, and then also to more and more placement packages. Five-year goal is every kiddo coming into care gets a placement package, but we need your help to get there. So guys, thanks for tuning in. Laura, thanks again so much for your time, and I look forward to our conversation next week.

And guys, thanks again for tuning in and we'll catch you next week.