Holding Space: A Foster Care Series on Grief and Healing Part 1

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i7yAtesc31Q

Matt Darrah (00:01)

Hello and welcome to All Things Foster: A Place for Coffee, Connection, and Community Guys, we've got a great guest that's gonna do some several episodes with us and I'm super excited about that. before we get to that, I do wanna take a moment to thank our episode sponsor, which is AW Broadband. AW Broadband is a locally owned company right here in the Texas panhandle providing high speed internet and phone services to both homes and businesses.

They're known for reliable service, fair pricing, and real customer support. You're not just calling a call center somewhere, you're talking to people who live right here in our community. They've also been an incredible partner with us here at Panhandle Orphan Care Network. Right now, they're hosting a Moses Closet Drive for us, helping us collect much needed items for kiddos entering foster care. And guys, that local investment, it makes a difference in our community, and so,

and it makes a difference for our families. So if you need internet or phone services, we'd encourage you to give Brian a call at 806-670-2073 and he'll take great care of you. Again, thank you AW Broadband for supporting this episode and supporting foster families across the Panhandle. So Laura, thank you for coming today and. ⁓

know, given some time to help foster families as we ⁓ navigate this difficult space, right? ⁓ And so kind ⁓ give us a little bit about you. what what do you do? What's your expertise? All that good stuff. Yeah. Well, my name is Laura Bownds and I'm

I West Texas A &M University for my graduate degree. I'm a licensed professional counselor. I've worked in family and child services for the past 15 years. I really enjoy being able to do this work. It is an honor and a privilege to work with kids and families. One of the things that I always think of in terms of how this work affects me is that, you know, whenever we have healthy kids and healthy families,

We have healthy communities and it's a win for everyone. And so that's so important ⁓ Currently, I am working with Cal Farley's boys ranch and it's a lot of fun and I enjoy being there ⁓ But I also work in private practice. I enjoy working with kids for the most part, but I also do some family work and adult work I do a lot of trauma focused work So again, it's a huge honor and I'm really thankful to be here today to talk about some

that's really important in foster care and for kids in general. Yeah, for sure, for sure. Well, I'm glad you're here. What drew you to this work? I think, you know, I can remember being a really empathetic kiddo. just kind of wanting to make sure everybody had everything they needed. And I first started out ⁓ as a social work major and as a case manager. My very first job was in foster care and I loved working with the

I loved working with the foster families ⁓ and I loved the agency work of just getting to provide that support and be a part of what can be a really difficult journey for kids. And I had a short stint working in probation as a juvenile probation officer and so I learned a lot there, enjoyed that too, and then came back to this field ⁓ and excited to come in from a

therapeutic

component, kind of ⁓ that perspective of wanting to gain more knowledge, wanting to provide more, ⁓ more of a clinical approach. And so decided to go back to graduate school. ⁓ was able to get my counseling license and then come in. And, you know, something that's really important to me is the healing process. I don't think there is anything more special.

or significant in working with a family or a child than watching them overcome. And that takes a lot of strength. And so again, it's a real honor. It's something that it's sacred work for sure. absolutely. Absolutely. And you know, there's there there's just nowhere near enough. Any really anywhere. I mean, I'm connected with a group online that's.

families of kiddos that are neurodivergent. So it's not only foster and adoptive families, but the kiddo may have autism or something along those lines. And the consensus across all of them, they are literally across the United States and overseas as well, there's just not enough folks to turn to that understand

trauma and the struggles that kiddos face ⁓ wherever they're at. But I know for sure for here, when I've talked with families that are like, man, I'd love to get in with somebody, but it's like a six month wait depending on who you're going to and things. And so yeah, it's critical work and there's just not enough resources out there.

And I think it's hard for ⁓ families to kind of, you know, feel that they're seeking the support, they're wanting the support. So where is it? And, you know, ⁓ one of the things that is so difficult, you know, I think for our area, especially is whenever ⁓ we have a lot of really great counselors, we have a lot of really great supportive professionals. ⁓ And sometimes whenever you live in a rural area, people graduate and then they move away.

And so being able to have opportunities here to keep people home so that they're able to provide those services where they live versus moving away ⁓ for other opportunities. I agree, I think we've come a long way in that now that we have some telehealth options, but I don't think that's for everyone and sometimes it can be really difficult for kids. I've done that and in my experience, you don't develop

the kind of emotional connection.

with someone over the computer. You know what I mean? Yeah, it can be challenging for sure. And then holding the kiddo's attention. I mean, it almost feels like you've got to pivot every 10 minutes with the kiddo because you're going to lose them. And that attention span is so short and being able to have constant activities. But I do think there's something about being with that person, being able to offer them a tissue if they're crying, being able to hold their hand through ⁓ difficult discussions. ⁓

to that component of being right there with them. Yeah, yeah, absolutely. So, onto our topic for the next few episodes. ⁓ We're talking about grief. you know, as Laura and I sat and kind of talked through, like, what does that look like? Because there is grief in the foster care situation.

And the more we talked about it, it was like, is a big, big topic. And this is not something that we can get into over a one hour episode, right? And so we decided on doing multiple episodes ⁓ to kind of give us an opportunity to dig a little deeper into the different types and then how do we...

How do we manage that grief, right? ⁓ And so let's kind of dig in. Where do we start, do you think, in this conversation with grief? I would say we start with... ⁓

thinking in terms of ourselves and how grief feels to each of us, even as adults. Because I can think of times over periods of my life where maybe a friend moved away or, ⁓ you know, someone ⁓ for whatever reason was no longer a part of my day to day anymore in the way that I felt. And I, you know, the overwhelming feelings that come with that, sadness,

frustration, sometimes the anger and those types of things. It's really hard. So thinking in terms of us as adults and how we feel when these things happen, you know, when we're talking about foster care and adoption, thinking in terms of what these kids may be going through ⁓ on an individual basis, but then also if they have siblings, what they may be going through collectively. And that's really difficult. And so some of the things that we can do

⁓ with families is especially in therapy starting out with kind of utilizing some ⁓ trauma screeners with the kiddos. So some of those might be ⁓ the ACEs questionnaire, which is adverse childhood experiences. ⁓ And this measures exposures to 10 different categories of early adversity. So that can be abuse and it can be emotional, physical or sexual neglect, any type of household dysfunction. ⁓

And

the clinical use for that screening is actually, it gives a risk score, not really a diagnosis, but a risk score. And the higher that score is, the higher risk for health and emotional challenges. And so we're looking at what this kiddo may have been through and what supports we need to provide them with or things that we might need to look out for. ⁓ Another guideline along with the ACEs is kind of looking at physiological health. And so we know that kiddos who experience

⁓ a high ASIS score, they are more susceptible to chronic diseases, chronic conditions, hypertension, ⁓ just those comorbidities that can be really difficult on health. And so we need to, there is this health mind body connection, all of it is kind of plays into each other. I think also it's important to look at how a foster parent can support a child through grief, how they can support a child

Maybe it is a change in school. Maybe it is ⁓ a change in a, you know, a visit with a family member that they had before. ⁓ And so there's varying degrees of how much grief they may be feeling. ⁓ I think it's always important to look at what is a child's behavior telling us. ⁓ And so sometimes, you know, kiddos may be feeling grief, but the caregiver is going to be seeing a lot of defiance.

or really challenging behaviors and looking at that as you know a kiddo saying I need support versus a kiddo saying or a kiddo just acting out just because. I don't I think very rarely kids ever act out just because they always are trying to tell us something right so it's important that we're listening to those things and allowing them that space to feel their feelings and so counseling is always a great

⁓

You know start to that ⁓ It's even better if the kiddo is already in counseling whenever they may be going through a hard transition or maybe experiencing Someone no longer being a part of their lives or a change that may cause grief ⁓ but just allowing them to To feel the way that they are feeling and sitting with them ⁓ Lots of times, you know parents will want to fix it. Yeah, yeah, and there's just some things as parents

as heartbreaking as it is, there's just some things that we can't fix. But we can support them. And so that's always really important. ⁓ I always hear from people who have adopted through foster care or current foster parents, you know, this is probably the hardest part or aspect is is watching a kiddo be sad or hurt or having a difficult time through something and they don't know what to do to make it better.

And so what I tell those parents is sometimes you can't make it better, but sometimes just holding space for that ⁓ particular situation and then also for those accompanying fillings is so important and that child knows that you're there with them. Yeah, being, you know,

not necessarily jumping in and saying, this is, you you need to do this and you need to do this and we can do this or that, just providing connection. ⁓ That's, in my understanding, that's where healing begins, is having that, you know, that attunement and that connection with somebody ⁓ to kind of help me.

with that felt safety, kind of be able to co-regulate with this person and not just try to jump in and with all these different solutions and acknowledge. Adoption's a beautiful thing, it is. But it's also a painful thing. And ⁓ you know.

Some people are like, you're just so lucky that you got adopted or whatever. that's not what it feels like. Right. mean, yes, it's wonderful that this family ⁓ opened up their home to them, brought them in, created a safe and stable and loving home for them. But there's also a loss with the biological family. And so I think for the general public,

to maybe frame it in a different sense or a different vocabulary ⁓ to allow that kiddo to feel that grief. know? Yes. And something that's really important here too is, you know, when you think about just the attachment.

that it must take ⁓ for a kiddo to feel safe to express how they're feeling to the caregiver in their life. I mean, that's something that is a strength.

And so following, you know, with that kid, tracking these feelings with that kiddo shows them that you're right there in it with them. ⁓ And I think also, you know, we're not always prepared as caregivers ⁓ to know exactly what to say at every moment. And so many caregivers are scared of silence. Right. But sometimes silence can be very healing and just having that opportunity to just sit in that moment.

⁓

I think for all of us ⁓ sometimes if we're not talking about things or if there's not ⁓ You know someone's not telling you what's wrong and you're not able to problem solve it for them people feel like you know Then you're not you're not reaching a solution and so but sometimes silence can be a solution in terms of support and just sitting with them just letting them express how they're

whether they're crying or tearful or whether they're mad and angry and allowing them outlets for that. Something that is really helpful is for the caregiver ⁓ to be aware of coping mechanisms that they may be working through with their ⁓ counselor ⁓ because I think that is really important. ⁓ Sometimes kiddos, especially when they're not in the rational part of their brain and they're in their

survival mode, right? And so they're not thinking, ⁓ what can I do to feel better? They're just surviving. And so having a caregiver that can say, you know, let's take some deep breaths, or being able to distract that kiddo, or being able to say, why don't we go try this and you know, getting them involved in something. ⁓

That's not going to fix the problem. It's not going to replace, ⁓ you know, the situation at hand that's causing challenging feelings. But it is an opportunity for the caregiver to say, hey, I'm here with you and I want to give you something to help. know, yeah. And that can speak volumes. Right. I was I don't I don't I don't know if I can't remember when Michelle Maikoetter I don't know if you know her, but she

She was at Boy's Ranch for like 18 years or something she helped Develop or implement the neuro sequential model. Yes, but she told this story I had her on ⁓ I Don't know recently and she talked about there was this there was this young man who was just Ramped and you know the house parents and this person that person had been trying and trying to

calm him down. so she was kind of the last resort. And all she did was she went in and she just sat down.

And she sat there for about 20 minutes. And finally he...

calm down and it was like, I'm ready for bed now. ⁓ Just being with someone in that struggle, even though you're not doing something, saying something, fixing something, just being there has a huge impact.

It does. I think, ⁓ you know, we look as adults, I always kind of I want that experiential, ⁓ whatever the child may be experiencing, I try to kind of come into those feelings as an adult, right? Because we do have coping mechanisms. We we do know what we can do to work through ⁓ hard feelings or challenging feelings for the most part. And so ⁓ whenever I think about kiddos and what

the thoughts that might be going through their mind and being able to work through the emotions that come with those thoughts, it's got to be so difficult. And so if we feel this way as adults and we get dysregulated when a friend moves away or when we change jobs or when there's a transition going on that is really difficult for us, it only makes sense that the kids are feeling that. Many times I would think on a

⁓

a larger level, a more difficult degree of challenging feelings because they don't always know what to do. They're learning, right? And so being the adult that can say, I know that this is hard and I'm going to be here with you and here's what we're going to do. And maybe even, know, lots of times being honest about the fact that you may not have an answer and that's okay, but they trust you. And so they're looking to you to kind

of help provide some guidance and being the calm in the storm. Yeah, yeah. You know, and we kind of as adults, know, part of the thing I think is that we expect kiddos to kind of understand and behave as if they're adults, that they're willfully doing this or that. They're setting their mind to, I'm going to be defiant I'm going to do this or I'm going to do that.

⁓ when that capacity is not there yet ⁓ and they have absolutely no control over their environment. I mean, they've been placed in this home, new people, they've lost all these people and ⁓ so just giving them space to...

to feel.

that grief is just powerful. Yes. You bring up a really good point of being in a different environment and having no control. so some things that caregivers can do to just kind of alleviate some of that is, you know, reading about the kiddo before placement occurs or getting to meet the kiddo before placement occurs and trying to keep what you can keep the same in your home. So having some of those familiar, ⁓ maybe it's snacks that are familiar to them.

Maybe it's some of their ⁓ belongings that they have that are familiar to them. We talk a lot about, you know, whenever a kiddo comes into placement, ⁓ you know, if they have a blanket, not washing it because as hard as that may be sometimes just because of different circumstances, that's their blanket and being able to keep things the same that you can. And I think lots of times, you know, we forget that things

just a stuffed animal or ⁓ a bedtime snack or a book that maybe they're familiar with that they've read at home or just some of those things, those feel safe for them. Anything that can be something that they've done before or at home, ⁓ I know it is always best practice for kiddos who are moving into a new placement if they can go to the same school. ⁓

try our hardest, you know, especially in child services to keep kiddos near their homes because that's what they're tied to. That's what they know. That's where their friends are. All of those things are so important. And I mean, let's be honest, ⁓ you know, this part of Texas, I think, is different than if you were to go to Houston or San Antonio or places like that. So ⁓ so just being mindful of the things that we as the adults have control over ⁓ to keep the same and familiar.

and then also allowing the kiddo to have some control. offering them choices. Do you want to wear this red shirt today or this blue shirt? Do you want to ⁓ get, do you want to have chicken for dinner? Do you want to mac and cheese? you, know, the things that you can let them be in control of, that's always really helpful too. ⁓ I think we, we talk about coping mechanisms so much and that's important, helping them to regulate but also have

having

them have the opportunity to decide for themselves what they feel like they need or want too. ⁓ Because I think if you're a kiddo and you're coming into a new place that's going to have new expectations, ⁓ you know, you have to build that trust first. And so it's really important for the caregiver to get to know the child and take that extra step of doing some investigative work on what this kiddo

likes, what they dislike, those types of things are so important. Yeah, well in current numbers ⁓ we're prepping for some vision casting and stuff like that and the most recent numbers from the state in region one is only 10 % of kiddos that are coming into care in the 26 counties are staying in the county that they're from.

Right? And so, I mean, nothing is familiar. It's not. And, you the smells, the tastes, the feel, nothing is familiar. you know, if we were to experience that, we would want those around us to...

understand what we're going through. And so if we as the foster adoptive family come in and have an attitude of, you came out of a terrible place and so you should be thankful that you're here, then that's not beneficial to anybody.

Not at all. And I think specifically, you know, we talk about ⁓ kids are going to feel about their situations, how ⁓ a caregiver responds to them. so, you know, that understanding, being kind, ⁓ helping them to understand that, ⁓ you know, right now, I'm here with you. I want to keep you safe. ⁓ I'm here to for whatever you may need and giving them examples to because I think sometimes kids

don't always know what we mean, especially the younger kiddos when we say, we're going to be here for you, giving them examples of what that looks like. You know, if you want me to tuck you into bed, if you want me to read you a story, if you, know, giving them the autonomy to be able to, number one, know what that support looks like, but number two, decide if they want that support or not as well. Really just.

I mean, to me, it comes down to so much about being open and willing to connect with a kiddo that's in a hard spot, you know?

for sure. you know, kiddos in different age ranges are going to, they're going to respond differently. So if you have a toddler, you may see lots of meltdowns ⁓ and just continuing to, ⁓ to be consistent in I'm here, I'm listening, you know, being able to let them express their feelings, but also giving them opportunities for outlets for those emotional needs to

⁓ And then if you have, you know, school aged kiddos, I would say younger school aged kiddos, ⁓ they are going to have more, they're going to be more vocal, I think about their feelings most likely. Some of them, and if they can't, you may see some withdrawal or avoidance because they may not know the caregiver of the new placement that they're going to very well. So continuing to build that relationship, it really is all about, you said it earlier, relationship and connection.

⁓ And that's what builds that trust when you have that, you know, feeling you feel safe with your caregiver, then you can talk about really hard things. And it's always surprising to me what kids will tell you. Kids will talk to you. They just have to trust you, you know? And so ⁓ so I really I really feel like something that's important, you know, is that connection. think with the older kiddos, the especially, you know, teenagers, because everybody loves the

teenagers, right? It's such a fun age. ⁓ But, know, again, that connection piece and being willing to listen, being willing to be open, being willing to offer them some choices in regard to what they may be needing. that may look like when it's safe, you know, for them to be able to go on a walk or be able to ⁓ go to be out of the house if they need that, to be able to go somewhere with a friend

or ⁓ to be able to do things that they know will make them feel better. ⁓ But I think also talking to them, writing them a note, or I know everybody loves texting, but I've recently found that teenagers, if you write to them, say, in a spiral, and you give it to them, they will respond, they will. ⁓ And I think that caregivers can be surprised by how they

open up through writing versus talking sometimes. I think it's easier sometimes to put those feelings on paper than it is to say that. Let's talk for a second about when they're removed.

from family to this new home, ⁓ there's a regression there. And then if they get moved from that environment to this environment. And so this kiddo may come to us as, say, a four-year-old, right? But they're not acting and behaving like a four-year-old. You know what I mean? ⁓ And kind of just being aware that these major shifts

causes some regression and maybe approaching that kiddo in mind thinking, okay, I can't approach this 10-year-old like a quote unquote normal 10-year-old. I need to come at it from maybe a slightly younger mindset, you know what I mean, to kind of help.

smooth that transition? For sure. think regression is very common. ⁓ I think that sometimes, you know, ⁓

I think, you know, especially around enuresis and things like that, caregivers sometimes will get really uncomfortable just because ⁓ this isn't something that maybe was mentioned or that they were prepared for. But being able to just kind of be prepared for anything ⁓ and being able to be open and again, responding with kindness and and consistency and helping them to understand that they are safe. ⁓ Because I think that it can be

really difficult especially for kiddos to ⁓ To talk about these things. I don't think any kiddo wants to regress or you know have situations occur that they may be embarrassed about and so the caregiver just being understanding and You know helping them through it and then also Being honest about the feelings that are associated with that. Are you feeling unsafe? Is there something that I can do to make you feel?

more safe, is there something that I can do to help you with anything that you might be feeling? ⁓ And just again, listening to them, I think it's really harder, especially when you have older kiddos who are regressing into those younger, much younger ⁓ developmental parts to, you know, I'm sorry.

⁓ I just lost my train of thought. So we'll probably have to edit that part. But I think it can be really hard for caregivers to ⁓ just kind of walk that walk. so especially, I think, the developmental training that is ⁓ carried out through ⁓

onboarding. Your licensing process and everything. Yes, that's so important because there are specific steps that you can take and talking to the therapist to or talking to whoever is on that kiddos support team. ⁓ think the multidisciplinary approach is so important because there's so many different specialists that can be helpful. ⁓ And I've had, you know, a lot of I know that when we are sitting at the table talking about a kiddo, the

perspectives that we can have, the more information that we can have is so important. ⁓ And so I think that's really, that's something that needs to happen for sure. So what are some kind of practical things that ⁓ a foster adoptive family can do as the kiddos coming in and you're trying to establish this new rhythm and make space for them to feel this grief?

What would you talk to a foster parent that's kind of going through that? What do you tell them? I would say, you know...

making everything you can, like we talked about earlier, as familiar as possible. if they come with their own items, using those, and I know sometimes that can be difficult again, but if possible, using what they have. If you can't use what they have and you know something is really important to them, just making it a small part of the day, if it's not something that can just be out and about without being washed or something like that, just so that they know that it's there.

Because I think they will panic if they think something happened to it ⁓ And so that's really important and also building that trust knowing that their belongings that they brought are safe, right? And then you know if you have a sibling group being able to allow them time to play together and kind of talk together and Just be kids together, you know, I think also being able to

normalize what is happening. So helping them to understand, yes, this is a new placement. This is showing them where they're going to sleep, showing them where you sleep, showing them, you know, where they change, where they bathe, all of that, where they do hygiene, all of those things. ⁓ You know, being able to talk them through what the routine looks like for the day so that they can be prepared, asking them what they like to do when they wake up. What do you like to do when you wake up? How do you like to wake up?

⁓ Asking them what they need before they go to bed. Do you need a drink of water? Do you need, you know, do you need a nightlight? Those things are so important. Helping them to get comfortable with knowing that they can ask you for things too. Because the last thing that you want is a kiddo who is going through a really hard time to not be able to ask for what they need. And so, ⁓ you know, reminding them a lot that it's okay to ask for things. Reminding them that it's

Okay. to talk about feelings. And then I think also just doing things that build a relationship, playing games with them, reading books ⁓ if they're older, doing things that they like to do, listening to music that they like to listen to, watching movies that they like to watch, all of those types of things are so important and taking an interest in things that they may have done at their previous home or sports that they like and those types of things. I always think it's so neat whenever families kind

of introduce a culture for a kiddo that's placed with them into their home. you know, tonight we're doing all of the things that are important to them, because that really does, ⁓ you know, kind of seal the foundation for the trust piece too. I love that. It is in all the conversations I've had trainings and everything. I'm not. love your perspective on maybe asking the kiddo instead of we talk about the

the of routines, right? And the kids need to know what's coming and da da da da. But trying to integrate something of their old normal. So many folks on the outside, we'll take a rabbit trail for a second, but so many folks outside of this think, they should feel lucky that they're in this horrible situation and now they're out of it.

And then they should feel safer, should, you know, whatever. But they don't because that was their normal. And so this is scary and this is a new thing. And bringing in that, just something out of their old routine, their old life, I can really see that being just an opportunity. ⁓

opportunity to bring in something that's familiar to them. It's special. Yeah. Yeah. And I think also letting them talk about their families, letting them talk about their home, because I think there's a lot of comfort in that for kiddos. And it may not be, you know, I know that there are a lot of...

There's a lot of trauma associated with placement. so, you know, it may not even be their home, but maybe grandma or grandpa or aunt is special to them. And being able to talk about that person just really helps them to ⁓ have some control over the situation, but also to express emotions as well. ⁓ And then also, I think it's important for ⁓ caregivers to mirror families.

or I'm sorry, mirror feelings So if a kiddo is looking down or their facial affect is just sad or you can tell that something's going on, it's okay to say, are you missing your mom today? It's okay to ask them questions. And I think you can kind of gauge whether they wanna move forward with the conversation based on their reactions, but giving them that opening to express what they may need to express is so important. can be

just significant to them feeling comfortable in your home for sure. And there's always going to be some, I think, testing that goes along just in terms of behavior. They're going to test the waters. They're going to see, you know, kind of what this looks like because it's normal human behavior, right? And so ⁓ I think it is okay ⁓ for, you know, caregivers to know that a kiddo may push you away every

every now and again, but it's not because they're pushing you away, because they want to necessarily push you away, they're checking to see how safe you are. And that's really important because I think sometimes we as caregivers get our feelings hurt because we feel like maybe this kiddo is not connecting with us, this kiddo is not letting us in when...

In reality, it is just the kiddo's way of testing to see, you someone that I can depend on? Someone that will truly be there for me. Well, and something somebody else brought up was the fact that, you know, we talk about when we approach a situation and the kiddo's doing something and you come in with empathy and attunement and all that kind of stuff. And, you know, and so that should help the kiddo feel safe. But at the same time,

their situation, they knew what to expect when their caregiver was losing their mind. They knew what to expect and they knew how to stay safe in that environment. And now you're coming over here and you're talking gently and quietly and I don't know what to feel in this situation so I'm not feeling safe, right? ⁓

And that's important too, because I think it takes some time and it takes consistency for sure. I would say the key to any of this is just continue to be consistent, doing the same thing every time so that that kiddo can see, okay, I know what to expect. I know how this person is going to respond and I don't have to be scared. ⁓

because I do think that sometimes, you know, it's really hard for kids to understand who is safe, who's not safe. I came from this situation. This happened to me, you know, and then now I'm being told I am in a safe environment, but it doesn't feel safe yet, you know? And so they actions, this is where actions really do matter, I think more than words for sure. continuing to do the same thing so that the kiddo knows

hey, I know what the outcome looks like in this, you know? And they're reassured by that. ⁓ So what are some statements that they should try to avoid, like saying, it's gonna be okay, or I'm here with you. What are some other kind of things that they should maybe try to avoid?

saying or communicating to them? That's a really good question. So we never promise anything because we can't deliver on promises when we don't know what this looks like long term. We can't promise that mom's going to come to visit next week. We can't promise that you're going to get to go home at the end of the month. Those are things that ⁓ we are really setting kids up for failure if we are making false promises or giving them false hope.

And it's also not doing anything to strengthen that bond or that relationship and connection with their caregiver. So some of the things that I really like are that I'm here with you right now and I'm going to sit with you while you feel this way. And I am I I'm just here, you know, and I think lots of times them just knowing that the caregiver is right there with them that can be very supportive. I think also being able to, you know, ask them

how are you feeling just so that they can verbalize what might be going on or, you know, just kind of talk through things. ⁓ I think also ⁓ being able to get them involved in something that they enjoy doing when things are hard. if that's, you know, some kids love video games and we don't love for kids to have screen time all the time. Right. But when things are hard, sometimes that's OK, you know. And I think also

So, you know, anything that you can do with that kiddo in that moment, if they are, you can tell that they are wanting you there, being there for them. So if it's playing a game or if it's going on a walk and just being there with them, ⁓ I think something else that we, you know, always want to avoid is not saying that everything is going to turn out the way that they want it to. And that's really hard because again, most of us go into this line of work

because we want to fix things, we're fixers, we're helpers. We're gonna solve this problem and it's gonna be okay, but that is just, it can be very destructive and sometimes it's not helpful at all because in these situations, we have to be honest with kiddos. And I would always loop in the therapist ⁓ if I needed additional support with that. If I was a caregiver and not sure of how to ⁓ communicate something to a child, looping in that therapist

allow them to have an honest conversation with them. Therapy is so important, I think, too, because generally kids like to go see their therapist, right? ⁓ And they've built a bond and ⁓ they feel like they trust this person. And so when something is really difficult or the caregiver's not sure how the kiddo is going to respond to it, being able to loop them in and letting them be an added layer of support can be really helpful, too. Yeah.

I like how you have here to create, give them permission to feel whatever they're feeling. Instead of jumping in trying to, we talked about this, we haven't said this specifically, but trying to jump in and fix things or make things better, but just giving them space and permission to say, how are you feeling? I'm sorry, I'm sorry that you're feeling that way. Without trying to...

fix it. Yes. And a lot of times, you know, kiddos may feel ⁓ it's a normal reaction to feel anger to loss. ⁓

And I think sometimes anger is a scary emotion for a lot of people, especially I think sometimes as it relates to maybe a teenager in the home. so being able to allow them to feel that anger, whether that's you go outside and maybe you're hitting some baseballs or maybe you are, you know, tearing up some things that can be torn up, allowing them that

physical outlet to get that energy out is so important.

⁓ I think for kiddos, know, having a punching bag available if they need that, that's great because sometimes it's to the point, anger can be to the level where you need that physical outlet, you know, appropriately, of course, but just being able to say, know that you're feeling this way and we're gonna work through it. Giving them the opportunity to work through it too. Yeah, love that.

You know, it is important to note that, like you said, it's got to be appropriate and safe for the child and ⁓ for the rest of the people that are in the home or in the environment. ⁓

So that it is important to say, no, you're not going to let this kid just rage and start throwing plates and grabbing a knife for all these different things. This is not permission for that. ⁓ It's important to keep everybody safe. But it is as much as possible giving them that safe space. Because I've been there. I I've ⁓ been there when I've had to take my axe or my sledgehammer and go in the backyard and

break up some wood or something like that. I we've all been there where we need an outlet. so, you know.

It's important to give the kids space for that too. Yes, I agree. I feel like it's always, ⁓ know, sports are a great outlet for kiddos just in general. getting kiddos in homes to be able to be a part of maybe, you know, a kiddo came to you too late after tryouts and so they didn't make the team. But giving them the opportunity to have, you know, sports to be a part of their life, whatever that might look like. ⁓

being

able to allow them to go do that when things are hard or, you know, ⁓ having ⁓ a family game of kickball can sometimes be really fun, too. ⁓ You know, so getting out and doing things, whether it's golf, I've recently learned that golf is a great way to ⁓ let some, you know, physical emotions out or, you know, being able to to do it's just a great outlet for, I think, stress and ⁓

sports are important being able to run being able to go play at the playground being able to ⁓ Go to the Discovery Center all these things that you know could be considered distraction, but they're also giving ⁓ a Space for for feeling how the child may be feeling Yeah. Yep. I love that so So it is important I think to

just understand, we'll kind of close with this, but I think to kind of sum things up, it's important to acknowledge that the kiddos are allowed to be grieving, not celebrating. And then giving them space to have that grief.

and support them kind of in the way that we can, in the way that kiddo needs. Yes. I think that that is so significant here. I don't think it's talked about enough that it's OK to have uncomfortable moments with kids where they don't know what to say and you might not know what to say, but you're there. And that's what's important is those moments that you're there. And I think, you know,

just going back to thinking about how we as adults feel whenever difficult circumstances happen. know, some of us love to talk about it and maybe we go to a trusted friend or family member. Some of us do not want to talk about it. Some of us, you know, use.

really great coping mechanisms and some of us don't. And so I think we have to look at that too in terms of kiddos and how every kiddo is different. No child is the same. And so I again, I think that's why it's really important to loop in the therapist as well and having them be a part of the team. Yes. And hard conversations and utilizing them and giving them updates and, know, being a part of the child's therapy, whether that's, you know, a couple of minutes before the session starts or

post-session, giving the therapist maybe a weekly report of how the kiddo did this week, what were the struggles, what were the wins, what challenges we're still working through, and then what goals are we looking to meet, and that type of thing. so important. Communication with the team is probably right up there with being consistent as a caregiver and doing the same thing every time. And so I think

not shying away from hard conversations when it comes to grief, especially because it can be very difficult to talk about. I feel like we, some of us have grown up in a time period where you don't talk about feelings and emotions, but ⁓ I think it's so important and so needed for kiddos specifically ⁓ when they're placed in a new home or just really transitions that may be hard just to guide them and help them through that.

and let them express emotions and you can even talk about times in your life where you may have had similar circumstances because I think that helps everyone to feel better when they know they're not alone. I think if you summed it up, right there is that you're not alone. Yes. I mean, that goes back to connection and having community. That's why we have this podcast is because we...

we struggle in this kind of world when we don't have connection. People that understand, right? And so, ⁓ okay, so we're gonna kind of close up this week. We're gonna have another episode and we'll kind of get into that next week, but I do want to thank you again, Laura, for coming and giving us this time.

to kind of have a pretty good handle on grief and how it affects ⁓ the kiddos in our care and us as well. Thanks for having me. Yep. And guys, thanks to AW Broadband for your sponsorship this episode. Guys, be sure to tune in next week. We're going to have another ⁓ great conversation around grief. And so please be sure to tune in. Guys, like, share, subscribe, all the things.

It really helps us to grow our audience for more people. feel like we have some really, really important conversations on here. ⁓ so liking, sharing, subscribing, all the things helps more and more people to find us and to hopefully find some help ⁓ in the struggles that they're facing. ⁓ And guys, one more thing. We provide placement packages to kiddos coming into foster care. ⁓ Every kiddo...

gets a suitcase, a Bible, a teddy bear, book, toy and blanket. But then beyond that, it's literally whatever the kiddo needs in that moment. So that could be clothes and diapers and car seats and formula and bottles and just all the things. And so, you know, we're a nonprofit and it takes funds to be able to continue to provide these placement packages to the 26 counties of the Panhandle. And so in order to do that, we need

⁓ folks to step up and be a monthly sponsor. So $100 a month buys us all the clothes we need for one placement package. $50 buys us a case of diapers and 10 bucks just buys us one outfit a month. if ⁓ you're interested in doing that, please consider going to our website. It's panhandlerorphan.org slash donation. You can set that up right there. Guys, thanks again. And thanks again, Laura, for coming and we'll see you guys next week.