Hearts OpenL Denise Kendrick on Fostering, Adopting, and Building Embrace Texas

Matthew Darrah (00:01.368)

Hello and welcome to All Things Foster, a place for coffee, connection, and community. Thanks for tuning in today. We've got an exciting guest on that we're gonna talk to, but before we do that, we have a quick sponsor. If you've got a teen heading towards college, I want you to check out College Solutions LLC in Amarillo and their lead college funding pro, Angie Graham. College Solutions helps families navigate the college admissions and financial aid maze.

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And I say this most weeks on our sponsors, but Angie's a great, great lady. We're in a networking group together and college is so expensive. So if you're thinking about that, be thinking about that, reach out to Angie and she can help you out. So today we have Denise Kendrick on. I'm super excited. Denise and I have met, I don't know, a while ago.

She and her husband are in Dallas area and just have a great, great story. Welcome to the podcast, Denise. Thanks for coming on.

Denise (01:34.089)

Yeah, thanks so much for having me. I'm excited to be here.

Matthew Darrah (01:36.386)

Yes. So let's start with your foster care journey. kind of where did that come from? How did y'all decide that this was something that you guys wanted to do?

Denise (01:50.505)

Oh, we got to take it way back. Like 25 years ago. So my husband and I are high school sweethearts. And we've been dating since we were 14 and 16. And got waited my my parents and his parents said, Please just wait until you're out of high school to get married. And so we did about a week after he graduated high school, got married and

Matthew Darrah (01:52.323)

that.

Matthew Darrah (01:55.79)

Wow.

Denise (02:17.897)

basically moved into our first little apartment. We had our first daughter while we were in college. And then back in the day when you could get, I mean, I think we put zero down on our first little house and our straight was probably about 3%. I don't even know.

Matthew Darrah (02:29.741)

Right?

Yeah, right.

Denise (02:34.345)

That tells you how old I am, but we moved out into the country and built a little house. I think it was maybe 1,100 square feet and it felt like a castle to us was amazing. We've been living in a one bedroom apartment with our baby and had another on the way. And so this was a three bedroom house. And of course we're in one room and the girls are going to be in another room. And then we had this empty room that for a little while was storage, but we started to talk about what do we want to do with that? And he was like, well, do you want to make it a

Matthew Darrah (02:46.67)

Mm-hmm.

Denise (03:04.299)

studio for you to paint in or what if we got an exercise bike or home office wasn't even a thing. He was finishing up college. I was already out of college and teaching. And so it just kind of sat empty for a little while. And ultimately I came to him and said, hey, what would you think about becoming foster parents and opening that room up to a child in need?

Matthew Darrah (03:11.022)

Yeah.

Matthew Darrah (03:24.387)

Mm.

Denise (03:27.785)

And so we kind of thought on it and prayed on it. And funny enough, his response to that initially when I first pitched the idea was, I think that sounds great. I think you should do that. I like, I don't know a lot about foster parenting, but I kind of think we have to both be in on this. isn't like a side hustle that I'm a fan of side hustles. We've hustled, I've all of this, but I was like, this is not another one of my, obviously it's not a money making schemes, but this is the thing we've got to be all in on. So we

Matthew Darrah (03:38.062)

You knew that.

Matthew Darrah (03:47.075)

Yeah.

Denise (03:57.129)

He had been in youth ministry at a Baptist church and I grew up at Baptist church, so we had heard the name Buckner before. And so we called down to Buckner and made an appointment and they said, y'all can come in and learn more about our foster care program. And so, at this point, we're like 21 years old. We've been married for two years. We've got a baby.

Matthew Darrah (04:03.267)

Mm-hmm.

Denise (04:19.208)

and we make the trek down to Buckner because that's probably about an hour from where we live down in Dallas. And we sat down across the desk from who is now a dear friend, Cherie Scott, who's been there. She still works there today. And she leaned forward. She said, So what makes you think that you would be a good foster parents for neglected and abused children? And we both were like.

we this feels like an interview. We thought we were signing up like here's a pamphlet this is what this looks like and we realized probably we should have done a little more research on our end before walking into this but ultimately you know she walked us through what it looked like to become licensed and who the kids were that would be coming home and we

Matthew Darrah (04:46.318)

Right?

Matthew Darrah (04:54.507)

Right?

Denise (05:06.024)

kind of decided, okay, we're doing okay with this parenting thing. We've kept this child alive so far. Surely we could, we could do this. We could bring in another child. And so walked through that licensing process when our oldest biological daughter was probably, I think she was right about a year old when we became licensed and then set up a room for these little guests and had, you know, a crib in there. We, because we had a little girl, we said we would only take girls under the age of two, which of

Matthew Darrah (05:34.733)

Mm-hmm.

Denise (05:35.848)

course means like the first 15 children that we that we fostered were boys of all ages because once you say yes you know they'll just they'll call you with whoever.

Matthew Darrah (05:45.966)

Yeah, and then it's like, you know, then you're like, man, I gotta do this. I gotta do it, I gotta, yeah. Wow. That's cool. So, so then you fostered for a long time and then you, where did that, so where did the, where did Embrace, how did that come about?

Denise (05:49.736)

Yeah, I guess so. guess a little bit, you know, it's crazy. That's how we got started.

Denise (06:09.959)

Yeah.

So while we were fostering, we would meet other families at, this was kind of pre-social media, and so there weren't like Facebook groups out there or we weren't in there. And so we would meet other families. We would go to like Camp Buckner for a little summer camp in the summer and we would connect with people. But as far as like building an ongoing community, we were the only people we knew fostering. We knew a couple of adoptive families. Some of them had adopted from overseas. My dad's an adoptee, my aunts are adopted.

So that had been part of my family's story and didn't, it felt warm and familiar to me, but as far as like our family, as far as us adopting, that seemed, wasn't really something that we were open to it, but it wasn't why we were fostering. We were fostering because we felt like we had.

the capacity to do this and starting when we had really nothing. Bruce, for as young as a little husband he was, had the foresight to say whatever God provides to us, whether that's time or resources or this extra room in our house, we're going to, we know that that came from the Lord and we're going to commit that to him. And so we're always prayerfully going to consider how can we best use what we have.

Matthew Darrah (07:22.222)

Thank

Denise (07:27.1)

to serve him and to do kingdom work and to glorify God. So it started with this, what felt like little baby steps of becoming licensed to foster and entrusting ourselves with that and with these little ones who came in and just doing the best we could with them. And then God just continued to stretch our hearts. And so instead of one at a time, we started taking kids two at a time. We moved to a little bit bigger house and we had another room and it was like, well,

how many kids could we take? And so there was a moment there when we had six kids under six. And it was crazy. I had a triple stroller and I don't ever want that again. That's the worst. But that was just a phase of life we were in and we lined up these little bowls on the table and I would scoop out oatmeal and dried fruit and all that in the morning and I'd do the same thing in the evening with whatever was for dinner and it was hectic and crazy. But we had

Matthew Darrah (07:58.487)

Whoa.

Matthew Darrah (08:02.984)

my god.

That's... Yeah.

Denise (08:22.054)

we were very blessed to have a really supportive community group at our church and churches that wrapped around us and loved us well and would like bring casseroles and say, hey, do you need help with Christmas gifts? Can we babysit so that you can have a date night? And our families were incredibly supportive through what was really looking back, some pretty crazy decision. mean, we had...

But that's a family growing fast. when we had six under six, we had three biological kids and then we were fostering three kids. And it was one of the things we did not, we had said yes to a little girl and they said, she's going home. Mom and dad are trucking right along, you know, whatever. And then there was this emergency placement for these two little boys. So we thought they were just going to overlap for like a couple of weeks.

Well, then there was a snag in her story and she ended up staying for six more months. And so we really had no idea what we were getting ourselves into with that. But it was, I don't even know, it was a blur. I don't remember most of it. And of course I can look back now with rose colored glasses and look at our Christmas card that year with these six little ones and think it was all great, but probably it was a little, hairy there.

Matthew Darrah (09:18.458)

Man, I cannot imagine 6 under 6, that's insane.

Matthew Darrah (09:25.368)

I just imagine.

Denise (09:35.899)

But so despite all of this support, we really felt very lonely in our foster care journey and the needs of our kids. We started from the moment our first foster child arrived. He was exactly the same age as our daughter. And my husband and I are both gingers. And so this baby is our daughter is just super fair and has like no hair. She's got just this little glow of red and then and just a chunky, chunky little toddler. And then we had this little boy who was like

Matthew Darrah (09:40.066)

Yeah? Yeah.

Denise (10:05.072)

It was like yin and yang because for as light as she was, he was dark. And I'd push the two of them in a double stroller and man, we would get some looks in Target or Walmart. What is going on over here? But I think to us for that child to have been our first placement to be the exact same age as our daughter, just within a month of her age, to see how she operated the world and how connected and tethered she was to us and how secure she was in her.

Matthew Darrah (10:12.618)

I have no doubt.

Denise (10:32.26)

attachment and her sense of safety and stranger danger and all those kinds of things. It made his behaviors and his fears and all of that. It was so stark. were just so for as alike as they were in the way that they played and some things like that. There were so many differences between them that we realized, gosh, this little person has been on this planet one year and look at

how neglect and abuse has impacted who he is as a person. And so coming from that, of course, the longer that we fostered, we started to see more and more, and especially as we cared for our older kiddos too, just this huge delta of the importance of safe caregivers and security and stability and consistent food and consistent care and just the tragedy of what that did to these kids when they...

Matthew Darrah (11:02.796)

Hmm.

Denise (11:29.53)

adults had not been trustworthy. They had not been treasured and loved and cared for. And so while our family, we could tell them, hey, we're doing things a little bit differently with this child. And if they say they don't want to participate while we're opening gifts at Christmas, we're going to be okay with that. And I'm going to go sit with them in another room and we're going to turn on the Grinch or do something different. Like our families were really open-minded and supportive about that. But

We didn't know then what we know now. Like Karen Purvis was riding the connected child when we started fostering. So all of this trauma informed care, the brain science that Bruce Perry has contributed about exposure and risk and trauma, even while these kids are in utero, like, I mean,

Matthew Darrah (11:59.916)

Right. Yeah.

Matthew Darrah (12:15.754)

In utero, yeah, it's massive.

Denise (12:19.496)

I am so deeply grateful for the tools that we now have. And I grieve the time that we fostered and cared for kids that we just did not understand. We knew there was an impact there. We couldn't give it a name. We did not know about attachment disorders. We did not fully understand trauma's impact on their little developing lives. And so now my perspective is so different than it was that it's like we have not all the pieces to the puzzle, but it all fits together and we can

Matthew Darrah (12:40.29)

Mm-hmm.

Denise (12:49.032)

parents so much differently, knowing what we know now. But that loneliness in our foster care and adoption journey is really part of what drove us to start Embrace. And then I think there was this wave kind of starting where the church was collectively the Big C Church, collectively realizing that like somewhere along the way in this orphan care story, like the church, the body, the people,

of God have always been the one who have had his heart for the vulnerable here in this, you know, in history. And in America in recent history are part of this. There's been like this chasm that slowly built. And when I look back and I'm writing a little downloadable ebook about this, I'll email it to you when I get it done called Where Are the Orphans? And Where Are the Orphanages? Because

Matthew Darrah (13:26.84)

Mm-hmm.

Matthew Darrah (13:35.509)

Mm-hmm.

Matthew Darrah (13:40.706)

That's cool.

Denise (13:46.513)

when our denominationally aligned children's homes kind of went by the wayside because we started to realize the effects of institutionalization on children and started placing those kids out in families. Like that's a good move as far as the care of children. But then churches weren't coming in and coaching kids and tutoring kids and teaching them life skills and being involved, celebrating the holidays with them, taking kids home for visits. And so this disconnect just started to grow.

Matthew Darrah (13:55.32)

Sure, yeah.

Denise (14:16.228)

as these kids were dispersed out into the community. And I'm 100 % kids belong in families, but then the church, I think kind of struggled to connect and it became this thing where, okay, we send a little bit of our tithe to Buckner or Catholic charities or whatever. And the individuals and small groups in these bodies were disconnected from the need along the way. So unless you were personally fostering or adopting,

Matthew Darrah (14:21.198)

Absolutely.

Denise (14:43.932)

or you were helping support someone who was, it was like, well, what is the body doing?

Matthew Darrah (14:47.5)

Right. Yeah. You know, and because I talked to so many foster parents that think that the church doesn't care. in my experience, and, you know, and I don't know, in my experience, it's not that they don't care, it's that they don't know. They don't know what to do. And so they don't do anything. And then when they're confronted with the need, not everybody responds, but a lot of people

see the need and respond. And so, I mean, I don't think that the church just doesn't care about these kids. I really think it's a matter of educating them and sharing, know, this is how many kids are in care and this is how many are ready and willing to be adopted just in, you know, in region one, there's over 400. And just raising that awareness to say this, the...

And if they do know, they don't know what to do. And so that's where we come along and say, this is how you can support these families.

Denise (15:54.951)

Yeah, yeah, I totally agree. And I that's why I'm so grateful for getting to be a part of the work that Embrace is doing and for what y'all are doing up in the panhandle. Because we've I believe we as the church have been a little paralyzed, because it's like the need did not present itself. So there was lacking awareness. And then once you are aware, well, what do we do with that? If I don't feel like it's the right time or we're not called to foster or adopt as a family.

what and we don't know anyone who is what do we do with that? And so that's another part of the reason Embrace exists is to create a community for those who are opening their homes and then to reconnect the church with the need. So we're kind of this intentional middleman. We have families and children here. The need is great at risk families as well. Kinship families as well who are bringing in their family members. The need is huge. And then you have the church over here and the state over here and what?

Matthew Darrah (16:24.726)

Exactly.

Denise (16:50.184)

And so we're building bridges there and creating opportunities for the church to engage and really serve these families in meaningful ways.

Matthew Darrah (16:58.286)

So where did, so you said you were walking this journey, you felt completely alone, lonely, and then, so where did this idea for, let's start this organization.

Denise (17:11.804)

Yeah. So there were a series of things happening at once that collided in just God's good timing. So we were feeling this loneliness. To your point, wanted to, we were, lives were raising awareness because people would walk up and go, you have a baby you did not have last week. You know, kind of this walking, walk into church and we're like a walking billboard for foster care. And so that

Matthew Darrah (17:13.218)

Kind of dad.

Matthew Darrah (17:33.836)

Yeah.

Denise (17:39.08)

in itself raised awareness and we start to see others in our church go, well, Bruce and Denise are nothing special. They don't have all these resources at hand and they're scrabbling it together and they're figuring out how they can care for these kids. I think we could do that too. And so it was kind of contagious in that way, but then, whoa, our church nursery was not prepared. Our youth group was not prepared.

for who was going to be walking in the door. Yeah, and how to love these kids well. And so, you know, when I dropped my kids off at VBS and I get a call day one saying, you got to come get little Johnny here. We cannot with him. I was like, Gosh, that I felt.

Matthew Darrah (18:04.46)

Where?

Matthew Darrah (18:13.038)

Hmm.

Denise (18:19.462)

kind of inadvertently rejected by my own church who had loved me well through all this because they just they didn't understand my kids. And that's this is on my shoulders too because I would walk in on Sunday morning and drop a kid off in the four year old class and not prepare those volunteers and those teachers. So this is on me too as a parent and caregiver that I could I should have gone out ahead and advocated for my kids. But also our church was just not prepared.

Matthew Darrah (18:21.868)

Right. Yeah.

Matthew Darrah (18:44.878)

Mm-hmm.

Denise (18:49.087)

And so we started to work with out of necessity for my family, honestly, so initially, we started to work with the volunteers and kind of talk about what this looks like. Like, hey, now we've got all these families who are fostering and we may have a child who age wise is four years old, but developmentally is down here at like an 18 month old level. We need to find ways. If she needs a one on one buddy, children's ministry, help me find that person. I'll train them. I'll talk to them.

Matthew Darrah (18:54.466)

Yeah.

Denise (19:20.074)

about how to comfort her and her sensory challenges and all that. Because I walked in on a Sunday morning and I had dropped my four year old off in the four year old classroom and I had a teacher who said she won't sit and listen to the story and we're all holding on to the, you know, the little daisy chain as we walked down to chapel and she won't do that and she doesn't listen and she's disruptive and so none of the other kids are getting to do their little activities and whatever. And I said, yeah, I'm really sorry.

Matthew Darrah (19:21.592)

Mm-hmm.

Denise (19:50.006)

I know how hard that can be to cope with. I'm dealing with this on a day-to-day basis. But I want you to understand, she was exposed to drugs and alcohol and utero. She was neglected. She doesn't have the preschool skill. She doesn't have the preschool skill of sit on the carpet square. She does not understand that. So she's not intentionally being disruptive. This is just how she's operated in life. And so she's really more down here developmentally on an 18-month-old level.

Matthew Darrah (20:05.955)

Yeah.

Yeah.

Denise (20:15.207)

and this volunteer who loves my family and cares about kids and shows up every Sunday in this classroom said, well, then maybe you need to drop her off in the nursery instead. And I had.

Matthew Darrah (20:26.126)

Hmm.

Denise (20:29.607)

I have some redhead fury that can just come out of nowhere and I'm thankful in that moment I was able to collect my child and step away from it but I there was steam coming out my ears because the mama bear and me

Matthew Darrah (20:32.569)

Yeah.

Denise (20:45.337)

this I mean I did I felt rejected by my church and by this person and we circled back around and had conversations and were able to make that right and what she was saying she was not meaning to be malicious but it was very hurtful and if I probably if I didn't have a husband on staff at that church that could have been the end of organized worship for my family I could have gone if this isn't a place for my kids this isn't a place for me we're out

Matthew Darrah (21:07.714)

No doubt.

Denise (21:13.095)

And I'm thankful that there was a cooling down and there was a husband who, I mean, he's pretty hot headed too, but he cooled his heels and he said, hey, how can we work together to make a way forward here? This is our church home. They want to love us well. Let's invite them in. So out of all of that really is kind of where Embrace came. We had a volunteer in our youth, in our.

that was volunteering with our youth program. We had her kids as a student and she heard a cry for the orphans radio program one day and she literally pulled over to the side of the road and she was like, I believe God is calling me to be a part of the orphan care movement in our church. What does that look like for this little country church?

And so Embrace the answer to that. Now today it is the answer to the question of how can everyone respond to this mandate? Because that's what it is. It's not, and for some of you, you will care for the orphan. They are our kids. This is our community. It's not just, that's nice for the Kendricks. That's nice for the Strovans. Like we are all called to this. It's not if we should be a part of it. It's how.

Matthew Darrah (22:06.734)

Yeah.

Matthew Darrah (22:20.542)

Right. Care for widows and orphans. This is true religion, right? I mean, this is there. It's not, yeah, yeah.

Denise (22:26.309)

Yeah, it's not a favor. It's not an option. It is. so, but again, back to that kind of that paralyzed, like we don't really know what to do with that. So we started to create answers and say, hey, what would it look like if again, there was a buddy available for kids who have special needs like that doesn't just serve the foster care and adoption community that serves everyone and I'm

I'm a big fan of the Johnny and Friends Ministry. If you've not looked into that, looks like Joni, J-O-N-I, Johnny and Friends. But it's a special needs ministry and they teach churches how to invite those with disabilities and their caregivers in because they're this huge, unreached people group.

Matthew Darrah (22:53.23)

Mm.

Denise (23:06.735)

And a lot of those folks who are caregivers do what I, what was my instinct in that moment, which was like to pull away from somewhere that you don't feel welcome or you don't feel as accessible to your family.

And so we just started to look for ways to create those opportunities within our church. And then, you know, it was like, okay, well, what if we did like a little parents night out and we babysat because we know that foster parents have a hard time finding childcare. And that's big reason that they burn out is they don't ever get a date night. They don't ever get adult conversation. So what if we had this little respite night? Well, we did that. And once the word got out, the registration was full like within an hour.

Matthew Darrah (23:46.861)

Yeah.

Denise (23:47.704)

And then we made more room and it was full again. And it just continued to grow and grow. And people who, mean, happily, it served not only the families within our church, but there were folks who would not otherwise darken the door of a church. You give them three hours free babysitting. They're gonna come. They're gonna line up. And then we got to invite them to what was now a more inclusive vacation Bible school. Or, we'd love for you to come worship with us on Easter. What are the needs of your kids? Can we work with

Matthew Darrah (24:03.214)

We'll be there.

Denise (24:15.995)

Can we welcome them into our children's ministry or youth ministry?

And so much of what Embrace started off with and grew into were needs that we felt as a family and other foster and adoptive families felt. And then the I mean, it became more apparent as registration. We had a list for all of these support groups. We had a dad's group. We had a mom's group. We started to do a little mom's retreat and just listen to foster and adoptive and kinship care families and our caseworkers and CASAs. What is the need? And then figure out ways to kind of

Matthew Darrah (24:44.547)

Mm-hmm.

Denise (24:50.065)

stand in these gaps and meet those needs as the body was designed to function.

Matthew Darrah (24:55.022)

For sure, for sure. Man, so what all are you guys doing now? mean, so you launched Embrace in 2007, right? Okay, so we're, you know, what is that? Almost 20 years, that's insane. So what are... Yeah, all right, I'm starting to get some gray in here. So what all are you guys doing now?

Denise (25:06.033)

Mm-hmm.

Denise (25:11.175)

almost 20 years.

I know you can't tell I've been at it that long.

Matthew Darrah (25:24.613)

within them.

Denise (25:24.625)

Okay, I feel terrible because I don't have a scatter shot. I mean, I don't have an elevator speech about what Embrace does that was like, well, five seconds is what we do. And I can talk about this all day, but I realize this podcast is not like a 12 hour marathon. So I'm going to try to be very brief. But when I talk about us identifying those needs, what we ended up doing are these specialized things, but they're a little here and there. But it was because we looked at what are the needs in our community.

Matthew Darrah (25:30.05)

Right. Yeah. No doubt.

Denise (25:51.334)

Are there people already doing these things with excellence that we can get in behind? So we're not worried a lot because we have an amazing Casa presence in our county. Every child in our county has a Casa volunteer. That's a big win for kids. That's amazing. So we're not going to try and fill that role that they're doing, you know, or duplicate efforts. And so a lot of what we do is raising awareness. So we have a portrait gallery that we moved from church to church, similar to Heart Gallery, if you've heard of that. Well, I you've heard of that, but I mean general public.

Matthew Darrah (25:55.341)

Mm-hmm.

Matthew Darrah (26:02.018)

Holy smoke, that's amazing, yeah.

Matthew Darrah (26:08.206)

Mm-hmm.

Matthew Darrah (26:20.824)

Yeah.

Denise (26:21.317)

if you've heard of that. and we come in and do informational meetings. We participate in like if a church is doing.

Sanctity of Life Sunday, Stand Sunday, Orphan Care Sunday, you know, any of that kind of stuff. And we avail ourselves to kind of help raise awareness or come in and speak at churches. And we coordinate the collaborative of child placing agencies in our community to make a unified voice for, hey, this is the need to your point about how many kids are waiting for adoption. So getting the word out like that. And then for those who step up and say, yes, I want to open my home.

Matthew Darrah (26:47.086)

Mm.

Denise (26:55.779)

we have created just, I mean, would call it sanctuary for those families, places where they can come in and feel safe and seen and like just.

We belong here. And so that is support groups, it's retreats for moms and dads. We do a lot of what we call kind of accessible family outings because what we hear from our families is they're grieving the simplicity of the life they once had. They're committed to caring for all of these children, but it's still a little sad that we don't just throw the kids in the car and go camping anymore, go to the movies or the things we used to do with our church or family aren't a good fit for us right now in this season.

Matthew Darrah (27:10.701)

Yeah.

Denise (27:39.022)

And so we have big family picnics. We have a camp out. We started a camp out. I think this is our seventh, sixth or seventh one. It was like, hey, if we could, because families would go, gosh, I would love to try that. But my kids like, I've got a child that has mobility issues. I don't know how to cook over a campfire, which I was like.

no one is actually doing that anymore. can't electric skill it with us or we're you know whatever. But anyways there were all these barriers to what could be a fun childhood experience and so the first year we thought okay we get 60 people to come out and camp at this stick park that would be great.

Matthew Darrah (27:58.011)

Yeah.

Denise (28:11.931)

Well, now we take almost 400 people with us. run out an entire state park and we feed them all weekend and we just smooth those obstacles so that families can just show up and partake and they show up obviously in mass to get their kids out of the house and let them they we have a team of amateur anglers who come in and bring all these fishing poles and teach kids how to cast and how to reel in a fish and how to you know bait a hook and we have.

Matthew Darrah (28:25.966)

Mm-hmm.

Denise (28:40.335)

canoeing and out, orienteering stuff for the big kids. have a law enforcement team that brings out a drone and the kids get to drive this. I think it's like a $20,000 drone. I don't even know. And they hand the joystick to these kids and I'm like, my gosh. yeah.

Matthew Darrah (28:49.184)

Hmm Right Insurance will cover that if they break

Denise (28:59.983)

But we have, and so then the church is engaging in that way. So we have small groups who are coming out and they're grilling hamburgers and hot dogs. And we have families that come and camp with us for the weekend and they make it kind of a family mission trip to come and serve. we get to see, and people who put together craft kits. We have a community of adults with special needs here in the McKinney area and they decorate posters, welcome posters, so that when every family pulls up to their.

campsite it says welcome Kendrick family welcome Darrah family welcome you know Williamsons and so we just get to see what is possible when the community rallies around families and then just get to cherish I mean just the it is a little glimpse of heaven I think this like makes me teary thinking about the magic that is this camp out where these kids are like

Matthew Darrah (29:29.891)

you

Denise (29:53.056)

romping in the woods and sword fighting with sticks and doing all you know digging in the dirt all the things do when they're outdoors and these families get to get to be a part of this and they just get to like exhale because we've we've dotted all the i's and crossed all the t's and made it to where they can just roll up and be a part of it amongst our people who get it.

Matthew Darrah (29:58.41)

All the food, yeah. Yeah.

Matthew Darrah (30:14.54)

Mm.

Well, and that's what I said, I said a lot on the podcast, but you know, we do we we do better within community and when we're around folks that are they have similar thoughts and beliefs and things like that like life experiences, you know, I said it last week with a gal that I was in Iran, but you know, I I have not raised a child that has autism and so I I have one of my best friends has twin boys that he raised that had

that have autism, but I haven't raised them. So I can't really speak into someone who's raising a kiddo with autism. man, when we as a community of like-minded people that have lived this life get together, I mean, that's part of the reason for the podcast is a place to have connection and community.

We're not necessarily sitting at the coffee table together, but maybe we can listen together and share experiences because, it is a lonely, tough journey. And so I love what you guys are doing, building that sense of connection and community with your families. mean, that's just, no wonder you're on waiting lists.

Denise (31:44.617)

Yeah.

And it's what we needed as a family and to now my kids are getting big. were talking, you know, before the cameras were rolling here about our families and kind of catching up. And I only, only have four kids at home. Now we have nine total, but a lot of them are adults. One of the ones at home is an adult. And, and so we're in a really different phase of life, but it is such a sweet thing for me to continue to get to provide this for other families, what I know I needed so much and to see it

Matthew Darrah (32:12.183)

Yeah.

Denise (32:15.955)

grow beyond, you they might have met at the Embrace Camp Out or at a support group or a mom's retreat or whatever it is, a lake day. But then we see these sweet friendships and community.

build outside of that and become like we have this galvanizing experience of being together and being on the same journey. But then we look out, it's been able like walk out of our mom's group and there's ladies that are meeting each other at the backs of their cars and they're like, here's this stroller you wanted and they're exchanging hand-me-downs and they're building lives together. And so I know that like even if they don't continue to be a part of Embrace programming, if they kind of outgrow the need for that, they have these relationships that

that are going to carry them through and they don't have to feel alone anymore. And, you your experience might not be exactly the same as mine, but I can trust that you're going to be understanding if you're part of this community and you're going to walk alongside me and go, gosh, that sounds really hard. I'm proud of you for sticking with it. And we haven't been through that same thing, but I'm going to support you and encourage you. Or I know someone who has been through just...

Matthew Darrah (32:59.63)

Mm-hmm.

Denise (33:24.177)

We have families facing some really, really hard things and not be alone in that is priceless.

Matthew Darrah (33:32.052)

Absolutely. mean, man, it's just, it's beautiful. It's beautiful what you're doing. what...

Give it, if you can, I mean, I know you kind of give us, given some general things that you guys are doing. well, I forgot. Let's talk about Collin House.

Denise (33:49.791)

yeah, well I'm sitting here in Collin House right now. And so if you're watching the video, but so our state is if you're kind of new to this scene and foster care and adoption, from a high level standpoint, I know you've talked about this on the podcast before and I've seen it in your emails too, but we're region by region privatizing. And so your region has a different...

private entity running foster care than my region does. Every region has somebody, you know, somebody different kind of taking over the foster care system. So while law enforcement and CPS are still doing that investigations piece from the moment they remove really it's handed off to in our region it's in power, but a privatizing agency. And so as that was rolling out across our state just about four years ago and coming towards our region and you know, we have this federal

Matthew Darrah (34:14.72)

And yeah.

Denise (34:42.817)

lawsuit against the foster care system. Our legislature rewrote the definition of child abuse. We ended up in this moment, in this perfect storm where what was already a system that was limping along and really failing children, our foster care system came to a crisis point. And so one night,

Matthew Darrah (35:06.734)

Yeah. And it was basically like right in the midst of COVID too. Yeah, which just made everything worse.

Denise (35:11.591)

Yes, yeah, yeah, Yes, which I wish we could entirely blame it on COVID and go like, wow, look at how far we've come. But clearly not. It was definitely a contributing factor there. And so all of that's coming together in this perfect storm.

Matthew Darrah (35:20.15)

No. Yeah.

Denise (35:24.555)

And there was one night where 500 children in Texas were sleeping either on the floor of CPS offices, in the back seats of cars or hotels. Like just an unacceptable level of disconnect between kids who need a safe place to go and families being available and open. And it was catastrophic.

And so we saw that building, building, building. And we have great advocacy centers here in our area, but they couldn't shoulder the load. And kids shouldn't be, our CPS was officed there. And so kids were on every surface sleeping and waiting for placement in what is the most traumatic moments of their life.

Matthew Darrah (35:45.432)

Yeah.

Matthew Darrah (36:02.712)

Mm.

Denise (36:07.762)

And so as that started to build, we as Embrace are going, okay, things are shifting. We need to pivot and be available to meet the needs. So when kids were in hotels, we started a meal train and we had people who were from all across the community that were cooking home cooked meals and delivering them to the workers and the kids. And that was, it was a bandaid for the situation because they were just eating garbage. We had

Matthew Darrah (36:22.786)

Mm. Mm.

Denise (36:30.982)

We don't get a lot of snow down here in Dallas, but we had snowpocalypse that happened in that time when we were without power for a week. personally, and my power was out, we had kids snowed in and stranded in CPS offices and they were just microwaving ramen noodles. Workers couldn't come and go. It was crazy and just unacceptable. So we rallied.

Matthew Darrah (36:37.377)

Yeah.

Matthew Darrah (36:48.622)

Yeah.

Denise (36:57.878)

lawmakers and city and county officials and CASA and our advocacy centers and churches and got all of these people in one room. And it was, it's kind of sweet. have like a little historic village. We're in kind of a historic part of McKinney, downtown McKinney. And there's like this where they brought in all these little old houses and stuff that they've preserved. And so there's a chapel, there's an old church there. And that's where we had this basically like town hall press meeting, whatever. I don't even know what to call it.

Matthew Darrah (37:27.758)

Mm-hmm.

Denise (37:27.832)

And we had reached out to all these folks and said, you might not realize this is happening, but this is what's going on. You need to know what children are enduring. And kind of pulled back the curtain on all that and challenged our community to say, what are we going to do about this? And we didn't have an answer in that moment. And so we kept putting our heads together and collaborating with others and kind of trying to figure out what our next steps were. But ultimately, what came out of that was that

Matthew Darrah (37:43.992)

Yeah.

Denise (37:55.233)

We needed a place for children without placement while they're waiting for placement to go.

that's safe and home like. And so we rallied and raised the down payment for the house I'm sitting in. And I can share some pictures with you, but it's just a really sweet historic home that has several bedrooms and bathrooms and is laid out. The common spaces are really big. And so that's a resource that we now provide at no cost to the state. So whether the kids are with investigations unit or Empower, we get they can come and stay here and they're supervised 24 hours a day, but it's homey. It's sweet. have bunk rooms.

Matthew Darrah (38:25.965)

Yeah.

Denise (38:30.328)

and it just is, mean, I'm just gonna turn my camera here, like decorated for Christmas in here. I'm only in here because there's not kids home right now. If there's kids here, we don't come into the house, but just a place where they can decompress and kind of reset. And the outcomes we're seeing from kids who stay here at Collin House are better than kids who are in other situations. So like we had...

Matthew Darrah (38:34.082)

Yeah.

Yeah.

Denise (38:53.606)

We hadn't been open for very long and we had a little girl that was released from juvenile justice and she had an ankle monitor on and she had some pretty significant charges hanging out there. And so that's a hard yes for a foster parent to go, yeah, bring her on over, we're ready. But she stayed here for a couple months actually and she started a job.

Matthew Darrah (39:06.916)

Yeah.

Matthew Darrah (39:13.678)

Wow.

Denise (39:15.174)

and she was going to school and some of the legal situation was resolved and the ankle monitor was off. And she was just in a place to where she really could be a functional member of a family. And so she left here and was able to join a foster family instead of going to an institution or something, instead of going to some residential treatment center. And so that's a new program. It feels new to us. We've been doing it for three and a half years now, but...

So that's something else that we're contributing a new piece of what we're doing as far as the child welfare landscape and our community is providing commonwealths.

Matthew Darrah (39:50.552)

Yeah. You know, do you know what to say off your hand, off hand if you don't know this, okay. The CWAP kids right now, like what are we averaging?

Denise (40:02.566)

couldn't tell you statewide we're in a real weird moment what I will say statewide is we have like around 17,000 kids in foster care and I know that sounds big but you know the background on this like there have been times when we've had 50,000 kids in foster care so the numbers of children in foster care have dropped dramatically

Which I would just love to think, wow, humanity, we're just doing it better. People are not abusing and neglecting their kids, but the truth of it is, kids are staying in more dangerous situations because we've raised longer, because we've the bar for what it takes to remove them.

Matthew Darrah (40:36.204)

longer. Right? Yeah. Yeah.

Denise (40:42.566)

Now a judge has to sign off if a child is over the age of 13 to remove. an investigation, investigation unit and law enforcement can be sitting there saying this is not a safe place for a 14 year old and then has to go through this whole hearing process. And so those kids are staying and so then their level of need when they come into foster care, since they've endured so much more abuse and neglect, right, is so much higher. So the probability of them being in a successful foster placement is lower.

Matthew Darrah (40:56.024)

to it.

Matthew Darrah (41:00.973)

Yeah, much higher.

Denise (41:09.956)

So this is the momentum with which all of this is moving. It feels like we're circling the drain. I wish I had encouraging our positive things to say, but I'm terrified of what's ahead with where we are because these numbers being this low, we're gonna see kids.

endure unspeakable abuse, we're going to see kids die because they haven't been protected by our foster care system. So, CWAP numbers are down and CWAP is just, you know, but an abbreviation for children without placement. It's when they're in this legal limbo of they've been removed, but they aren't placed with a family or anything. So, those numbers are all real low right now, but I think we're about to have, we're about to see that pendulum swing in the opposite direction. And by the time it does, what these kids

have been through. I mean the amount of healing and undoing it's going to take for them is it's just a tragedy. And we're meeting with lawmakers we were we talked we spent several hours with Angela Paxton two weeks ago and we're reaching out and

Matthew Darrah (42:11.085)

Yeah.

Denise (42:22.774)

just taking what we're seeing here on the ground and saying you need to be aware of what this looks like in the lives of kids and foster families because these decisions that are being made way up here this is what it looks like when they trickle down into our community.

Matthew Darrah (42:29.998)

Mm-hmm.

Matthew Darrah (42:37.088)

Exactly. Yeah. Yeah, there's consequences that they don't, you the law of unintended consequences, they make these decisions and don't understand the implications. So what would you say, give some encouragement to some foster families that are listening to say, you know, hey, just what would you say if you were, I'm sure you do this probably most

Denise (42:56.196)

Yeah.

Matthew Darrah (43:06.847)

every day, but you're sitting across the table from somebody that's fostering. What encouragement do you give them?

Denise (43:12.464)

gosh, more than ever, we need you. These kids need you. And there was a time years ago, the foster care system has never been fun to navigate as a foster family. It's always been, the paperwork and the locking up of the diaper cream and the, my God, we had to get rid of our trampoline. All those things have always been, and then just the needs of the kids, a heavy burden to carry. But we had foster families who would say, this is really hard.

But you friend, neighbor, sister, you can do this too. Will you come along with me? Will you consider opening your home? And what we're hearing foster parents say is after this kid, we are closing our doors. We can't keep doing this and I would not ask anyone to do it. And so my encouragement would be that this season that we're in as our state system is changing, the kids are still who they are and their needs are.

Matthew Darrah (43:47.501)

Yeah.

Denise (44:12.525)

greater than ever and foster families, I would.

beg you to stick with it and to ask for help and to be vulnerable. And when I was a young little foster mommy, I was, I didn't know it then, but I know now I was very prideful and I allowed pride to be a barrier to accepting help because I thought, I have been called to this, me and my family to this holy task of fostering. And that if I accept help, I'm somehow admitting I'm not, I don't have everything these kids need. can't do it alone.

dummy Denise you can't do it alone and God asked you to and he's not glorified in your suffering that you're putting on your own shoulders by declining childcare by declining help by declining by Scrabbling together Christmas for your kids Like he's not impressed with that he didn't ask for that

Matthew Darrah (44:51.032)

Exactly.

Denise (45:10.266)

Yes, he invited you to be a part of this kingdom work, but he didn't ask you to do that in isolation. And so I really had to fight through my own sin nature and my pride because I was cutting other people out of the blessing of being a part of these kids' lives. And I was keeping these kids from more examples of safe, loving adults by feeling like I needed to do it all by myself. That's like a toddler. I can do it all by myself. Like, who did I think, I mean, who do I think I am?

Matthew Darrah (45:25.838)

Hmm.

Matthew Darrah (45:33.326)

Yeah. Right.

Denise (45:39.621)

I cannot tell you what a difference it made when I let down my guard and I admitted to others around me. I'll tell you what almost broke me. We did Awanas at our church. You the little scripture organization. It's a great program. But they do this little like pinewood derby thing where everybody has to show up with a little wooden car. And it nearly put me in my grave.

Matthew Darrah (45:51.79)

Yeah, I love you.

Matthew Darrah (46:00.258)

Yeah.

Denise (46:02.01)

because I was like, I don't have the money for this. I don't have the time to sit down and help these kids shape and sand and weight and put wheels on these dumb little cars. And I was literally losing sleep over it. And I vented to someone who went, well, like, me and my husband will come over and help the kids build their cars.

Matthew Darrah (46:21.12)

yeah.

Denise (46:22.862)

And I just like, this was an epiphany for me. Why do I keep doing this? Why do I keep painting myself into this corner when there's people who would find joy and would love to contribute to these kids' lives in that way? And so I just went, okay. And I stood over there cooking dinner while this couple, they're not frazzled, they're not worn thin, they don't deal with these kids on a day-to-day basis, popped in.

and spent a couple evenings in a row helping these kids make their cars and they were ridiculous. One of them had a Barbie like duct tape to it. I don't care if we win the race or not, but it was such a weight off my shoulders. And then just the way my kids, both my biological kids, my foster kids and my adopted kids all interacted with these people. they're giving high fives, they're giving safe interactions, they're setting appropriate boundaries, they're loving these kids well. And that's something I have kept my kids from.

Matthew Darrah (47:01.475)

Sure.

Matthew Darrah (47:12.75)

Mm.

Matthew Darrah (47:18.467)

Mm.

Denise (47:18.95)

by clinging to this pride. so foster and adoptive family out there, I would just urge you to open your doors and allow others to be a part of your life. If getting that kid to jiu-jitsu or soccer practice is making you want to pull your hair out, find someone safe to help you with that. And if that allows you to have one-on-one time with a child that needs more of your attention, do it.

Matthew Darrah (47:29.133)

Yeah.

Denise (47:48.455)

I've known and we've lived in a situation where we've had kids that are so hard that we really do feel like we kind of are the only ones that can safely care for them. But I've got four or five other kids over here. If you need to focus on that one tough child and you don't feel like you can hand them off to anybody else, is there somebody else you can hand off? Can you send these kids to grandma's for the weekend? you?

Have a friend take those kids for the afternoon so you can give this child the one-on-one care they need without feeling like you're planting these other kids in front of the TV because this child requires so much of your time. Don't live that way. You haven't been asked to. And just accepting you can't be everything they need.

And if they that hug and that love and that high five from somebody else, whether it's a coach or a friend or a Sunday school teacher or a neighbor, allow that to happen. It's still meaningful even if it's not coming from you as the primary caregiver.

Matthew Darrah (48:40.622)

Alright.

Matthew Darrah (48:51.402)

Absolutely. Right. Yeah. Yeah. And they need that anyways. mean, they need to grow their ability to connect with folks outside of the home as well. so, yeah, I I would say one of the challenges with that is finding people willing to do that. You know what mean? The first time we got the boys, I mean, we just, the church we were part of was a small

Denise (49:10.576)

Mm-hmm.

Matthew Darrah (49:20.138)

low income, mostly it was a church plan at an apartment complex. And there was just nobody that would be willing to do a background check to do a bit to babysit this, that, whatever. Whereas the second time around we had, I mean, we just had people. That's where the idea for this organization came from was just people helping. But trying to, a lot of times trying to find somebody who's willing to, and that's why things like the date nights and the camp.

and stuff like that is so stinking important because it, you know, it's, I was talking to somebody the other day and they were like, you know, they have some friends who are fostering and she wanted to keep them and stuff and she was just like blown away at how much she had to do just to be able to keep them and stuff like that. And so that's a challenge and that's where, you know, putting together some events where...

families can feel safe to say, I can drop these kids off. We have a couple churches that have done date nights. And I was going to speak at this church to, kind of a yearly thing or whatever. And I had a couple of friends that had participated in the date nights, do just a video on the phone, talk about how important the date night was. This one couple, they're really good friends of ours. They get on there and they're like, yeah, so the first time,

We had had the kids, they have adopted three, and they were like, we'd had the kids about six months, and then we go and do this date night, it was the first one, and so we take the kids and drop them off, and he said, we went to the Walmart parking lot and slept. They were so funny. Right.

Denise (51:02.222)

Yeah, hey, whatever you need worth your time.

Matthew Darrah (51:07.214)

Yeah, I mean, but it is because it's constant. It's it's it is. It's the paperwork. It's the doctor's appointments and the counselors and the visits and this and that and all the other things. And so it's it's a hard it's a hard road. And so, you know, folks need they need. So what to give us some examples, I think maybe of, you know, a community member that says, you know, I'm I might want to help somebody. What are what are are your what what kind of things do you encourage people?

that aren't fostering to do.

Denise (51:39.077)

Yeah, well, to look for foster and adoptive and kinship care families in their church, first of all, see if there's somebody that's right around you that's already doing it because I mean.

someone who's already in your sphere is who you're most likely to accept help from anyways, not a stranger. And so we try to it happen or encourage them to help that happen more organically. But if not, they can come and serve at Embrace events. And what we found is, you know, if somebody comes to our respite night and they're with this tough little friend all night long, they're going, oh my gosh, how is this family? This is their 24/7. How are they doing that? And usually you think they go, whoa, I'm that's over. They don't. These volunteers.

Matthew Darrah (52:19.193)

Mm.

Denise (52:19.688)

say, I'd love to be connected with this family. Like, I'd be happy if they're going to the zoo, I would come along and do the same thing so that if he needed to step away or he needed one on one attention, I would help out with that. And so we try to build those connections. You know, if you're not a kid person, you're not off the hook here. I think, you know, offer to mow a family's lawn so they can spend the morning at the park. We had people we had like a broken down.

Matthew Darrah (52:22.393)

Mm-hmm.

Matthew Darrah (52:25.967)

Mm.

Matthew Darrah (52:38.052)

Yeah.

Denise (52:47.782)

swing set in our backyard and we like basically wouldn't let the kids go out to play because this thing was in the way and it was a hazard. And we just didn't have the time or the tools to get rid of it. And somebody overheard me talking about that. And they said, well, we'll come, we'll take that part and haul it away. And it was miraculous. Like we got our backyard back and these guys came and went, I was at work. Like I left in the morning and I came back and it was gone. And that was just such a gift to our family. And so I think,

Matthew Darrah (52:56.238)

Mm.

Matthew Darrah (53:04.75)

Right?

Matthew Darrah (53:10.318)

Well...

Denise (53:14.852)

Being persistent with families also, if they initially are like, no, no, we're good, we're good, no, they're not. And so kind of imposing a little bit, not beyond somebody's comfort level, but instead of saying like, well, sometime we'd like to watch the kids or whatever, saying, hey, the holidays are coming up. Either we would love to be your little shoppers and go shop for items that you would like for the kids, or we'd love to watch the kids.

Matthew Darrah (53:20.079)

right.

Denise (53:43.207)

on a Saturday morning so y'all can go shopping for Christmas and we help you in that way. Or we know things are a little tight at Christmas and not everyone has the resources to just go buy Christmas for some foster family, but you could give up your time, you can pray for families. my gosh, I I copy and paste, I write out kind of what's going on in my life and I have a few ladies that I text that to.

Matthew Darrah (53:45.273)

Yeah. Yeah.

Matthew Darrah (53:57.389)

Mm.

Denise (54:11.224)

and I know they are on it and that they're praying us through, carrying us through these situations in prayer and that I can circle back around, you know, and they're not even people that I see regularly. And I know that I'm going to hear from them and they're going to follow up and say, Hey, I've been praying about this. What's going on and check in with me. And so like emotionally and spiritually, that's such an encouragement. So I think just looking at what your talent and gifting are and what you, what you're, you know, availing yourself, Hey, I'm handy. can come.

Matthew Darrah (54:38.062)

Mm.

Denise (54:40.378)

We had a mom that she had a kinship placement that she was at risk of losing because she had a door that was off its hinges. And she basically just pulled it off because she didn't know what to do with it. And she needed that door replaced. So we have a Facebook group where you can make requests like that. And she was like, hey, I have this door situation. I just cannot solve it. And literally, they're not going to license me because I don't have a door on this bedroom. And we had guys who go, we'll be there on Saturday. I'm in and fix this door for her. They don't know her. And then while they were there,

Matthew Darrah (54:53.432)

Mm.

Matthew Darrah (55:02.575)

Right.

Mm.

Denise (55:09.424)

There was something else going on. was like, well, my sink done drained very well. And they go, OK, we'll come back next Saturday. And now there's this relationship there. She knows when she has, a single mom, she has this situation arise. She didn't have to go, I can't afford to hire somebody. And what am going to do? She's got these guys on speed dial. And she'll say, hey, I've got another little plumbing issue or whatever it is. And they'll do what they can to figure it out.

Matthew Darrah (55:13.975)

No.

Matthew Darrah (55:25.326)

Yeah.

Matthew Darrah (55:32.087)

Yeah, that's so valuable to just have that support. mean, it just is. Well, we've been on here for a while. I love talking to you. I appreciate so much what you guys are doing. Anything closing that you think you ought to throw out?

Denise (55:59.697)

Well, I'm just, I'm grateful to be a part of this and have the opportunity to share, you know, my, my family's journey. And I hope that.

our conversation is encouraging to others. yeah, I'm just so thankful for the work that y'all are doing up there. We're peers in ministry and it's sweet to have others that we can bounce ideas off of. I think we're entering, my prayer is that we're entering this phase while it's a very dark and hard time for our foster care system in the state, that one day people will look back and they will say the church was the answer.

the church, the body of Christ has always been the answer and we've been a little bit asleep at the wheel. But my prayer is that when we have this conversation again in 20 years, we look back and we go remember what a dark season that was and how the body arose to take this on and to move the needle in our state and to revolutionize how we care for our most vulnerable neighbors. So that's my prayer and my challenge.

Matthew Darrah (56:56.462)

Hmm.

Denise (57:08.136)

and something that I hope that you and I one day get to look back on and realize.

Matthew Darrah (57:11.695)

For sure, for sure. Well, Denise, thank you so much for your time. Thank you for the work that you're doing through Embrace. As you're talking, I'm sitting here thinking, okay, can we do that? Can I do that? You're in a way to do this, I love it. Thank you so much. And guys, thanks for tuning in. Make sure to like, subscribe, share this episode. And next week, we are gonna have a...

Denise (57:23.738)

I'm to share the blueprints, you know, there's much work to be done.

Matthew Darrah (57:39.055)

the executive director of the Emerald Area CASA on kind of talk about what they do. So be sure to tune in and thanks again to Angie for your sponsorship of this episode and have a great week. Thank you.

Denise (57:52.763)

Thanks so much.