From Surviving to Leading: Jazlyn’s Story One Year Later

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Siuxcmy4W0U

Matt Darrah (00:00)

Hello and welcome to all things Foster, a place for coffee, connection, and community. Guys, we have a great guest that you'll probably recognize. She was on here about a year ago. We're gonna get to Jazlyn here in just a second, but before we do, I wanna take a minute to tell you about Ennis Inspections. Ennis Inspections is a great home inspector, you know, because when you're buying a home, what you don't know can...

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inspections.com or give Morgan a call at 806-672-1928. Again, Morgan is a very great supporter of our organization and so he's a very trustworthy guy. So if you're looking ⁓ for buying a house, definitely give him a call and he'll help you out. So, so Jazlyn, thank you so much for coming back.

Thank you for having me. Yeah, I'm super so so excited to to talk to you. It's kind of it's been about a year since you were on. I think you were our second episode. ⁓ And so I'm super grateful that you're coming back. So a year ago, you were you were kind of in a different place. Yes, way different. I was in a period of like transition. I was trying to figure out what my next steps were. I just aged out of Amber's program. And so I was trying to figure out

what the next steps for me at 21 was. And so, so this is kind of a, this is kind of a story of some growth, some development and going from.

being in the program to helping lead the program. I mean, that's just in a year. That's a lot of growth in just a year. So let's kind of go back a little bit. What were some of the biggest challenges that you were facing as you're turning 21, you can't continue to be in the program, what was life looking like at that point?

So I was in the process of trying to find a place for me and Kalani to live. I was in the process of trying to find a job that was better because I wasn't, you know, the job I had, wasn't like working at all. At first, actually, when I was on y'all's podcast, I didn't have a job yet. It was after.

the podcast that I got a job at a nursing home and it was overnight. So it wasn't really working with the baby. And it was just really hard. And so I was really stressed. I was trying to find a car, a reliable transportation because I didn't have one at the time. So it was like a really rough transition. It was like really hard. I was not too sure what my future was gonna look like at that point.

Yeah, so looking for a job, or looking for a job, and then you get a job and it's not a great job, but then trying to figure out how to be there for Kalani and all the things. What do you think was kind of your emotional state? Like, where were you at that way?

100 % chaotic all the time I was constantly sleepy because I was working overnight Yeah, didn't have her in daycare yet because that was like a really big process we were dealing with and so I was really struggling I was breaking down all of the time ⁓ and it was really really hard I was calling Amber constantly just crying. I mean she would just tell me it's okay We're gonna figure this out Jazz like it's gonna be good So even though you're aged out of the program Amber still there supporting you. Yes hundred percent if it wasn't

for Amber. don't know where I would be right now.

She continued to help me throughout that process. She helped me get a HUD house and I got my first house. I got settled in there. And ⁓ then she started talking to me about AmeriCorps and probably possibly working for her. And so when she gave me this idea, was like, ⁓ let me think about this because it would probably be something that I enjoy because this is my passion and it would work with my schedule. I could take Kalani to work with me. It would just be so much better. And so we decided that I was going to work for her.

I applied for AmeriCorps and did the application, the interview and all of that and got it. And so now I work for Amber and for Fostering Independence. So when do you think there was a shift in where you're at with all the things that are going on? Let's remind our listeners, before you came to Amber,

You you lived at ACH and then you turned 18 and then what? Yes, I became homeless. I was living with my boyfriend, became pregnant, was kicked out of that house. It was just a lot of...

Instability a lot of not knowing what my tomorrow was gonna look like. It was it was very hard It was a very very very low place in my life. I didn't know Whether I would get out of this where I felt like I couldn't get out of this route I felt like I was failing Kalani as a mother I felt like I wasn't doing what I needed to do I brought her into this world not being ready for her and that mom guilt kicked in like crazy And so I was just I was just in a very deep deep place and I just my mental health was low-key not

very good. And so I got back on medications and I was just trying to figure out what I needed to do because I have a baby now. I have to make sure that she is good no matter what above all. And so I just really decided I was like, okay, something has to change. Something has to give. ⁓ so... you were... I remember the story. You were in Lubbock with your biological mom. Yes. And then there's a...

We had an altercation or... ⁓ at this time, at this point in time, my mom...

was a very heavy alcoholic. And that's what caused our relationship to just constantly butt heads because everybody says I'm my mother's daughter. I'm just like her. And so when we are having conversation and it's like two people arguing at the same person and so it just wasn't getting anywhere. And she told me to get out the car at Lubbock and I did. And I am pregnant at the time. I didn't have nothing but my crocs and pajamas and a crop top and my phone. And she ended up turning that off a week later. And so because she paid my phone at that time.

And so it was just like really stressful. So I had to sign myself back into extended foster care. And so that's basically after 18, I signed myself back into the system. And this was like, at the time in my life, it was kind of like.

dang Jazz, like you went all this far and now we're taking a step back. And so it was a little of like, dang, I don't want to do this, but this is the only option. Like there is nowhere else for me to go. And so unfortunately, yeah, I did. I signed myself back into CPS and I went to another SIL program. They just weren't the fit for me. They were amazing, just not for me. It wasn't for me. And so that's when I...

know, moved with Jaden and me and Jaden were doing really good and he was helping me and ⁓ then I was like, okay, well.

We're kind of getting a little toxic at this area. We just had a baby. were we both weren't ready. Like something that was not planned. Absolutely. I moved out of Amarillo and then I found out I was pregnant. So it was like, dang it. And so me and Jaden decided that, we probably need to co-parent for a little bit and figure out our life. And so we were co-parenting and it was just really, really, really stressful. And I was still trying to find, you know, a car because Jaden was my transportation or his family was my transportation. And I'm so, so, so thankful that they've been there because they

are a big part of Kalani's life and my life. They're a big part of my village as well now. And my mom now, she is completely alcohol free. Our relationship is so, so much better. She's actually coming down here next weekend for her birthday. And so I'm very thankful that like our relationship got better because it was like really rocky in the beginning. So then you end up with Amber and you're just getting all this support.

and things like that. Just remind our listeners kind of how living with Amber kind of helped you stabilize.

Amber was the place where I was able to breathe again. Yeah. Is what my favorite thing to say is because at that moment in time, I felt like I was drowning and I could not get above water as much as I tried. was just like every single time I was just getting pulled back down and getting pulled back down. And so when I found out about Amber's program, it was actually a little bit probably too late. But Amber was so amazing and she advocated for my behalf and was kept pushing and kept pushing and kept pushing because my case girl was like, she's about to be 21. There's no point. Yeah. And Amber's like, yes,

is give me this kid give me this girl and she continued to fight for me and I got into her program and I believe about five days later I turned 21 and aged out so with that if I was 21 and aged out she was still able to help me afterwards and so that's why she was pushing and pushing and pushing but in this time I Amber helped me a lot with Kalani she when I didn't know what to do in Kalani like her first time getting colicky I didn't know like yes what is call it yeah and I was like

She's just crying, she won't stop. And Amber came over. Amber came over and she helped me burp her and she gave me like gripe water and she was like, it's okay, it's normal, this is a part of baby. So Amber was there from the littlest things to the biggest things when I was just like, I couldn't calm myself down, I'm just very overstimulated, I would call Amber and just talk to her. And she was just my supportive person all the way around. I knew that if I needed somebody Amber was gonna be there.

You, what, you know, as you, as you got kind of, aged out and you've got a home now and things begin to get a little bit better, what, what kept you going when everything's just tough? Kalani. She is definitely my everything. Every time that I'm like just in a rough place, I'm like, I always think back.

She didn't ask to be in this world, but I put her in this world so I'd she deserves the life that she you know I can give her and so if that means you know getting my butt up and doing what I need to do for her then that's what I'm gonna have to do because she deserves the best mommy in the world and she deserves the best life in the world and that's what I'm going to give her because I Didn't able I wasn't able to have a very you know easy childhood. I didn't have you know parents all the time. I didn't have you know

just that overall support of a family. just, I have a lot of pain and a lot of hurt when it comes to that. And I have a lot of abandonment issues. ⁓

But when it came to Kalani, I'm like, I will never ever ever make her feel like mommy didn't want her, daddy didn't want her, that her family didn't want her because we love her. You are my center of my world. I revolve around you. And so I think that's what I go back to is just making sure that she has the life I didn't get. You know, it's so true that, you know, that there's a generational cycle that happens and trying to break that cycle.

is hard. It's so hard. mean, it's very hard. But you're doing it. You're doing it. And that's just, that's so awesome. where did things really start to click, do you think? Probably when, so I started working for Amber, I believe.

was like October and that's probably when everything like fell into order. It's like, you know, like when you put one puzzle piece and then another one automatically goes in it, just kind of like falls in line. That's exactly how it went. I started working for Amber. I bought my car and I already had my house at this point. So like that one is obviously checked off. But when I started working for Amber, I was able to buy a car within like a couple of months. And so I was very happy. And then just everything just started really just taking off. I just became...

Overall, my mental health became happier. was ⁓ sound. I got Kalani in daycare full time. And so that was, I think, the biggest help because I love my baby. you can go to school from nine to five and mommy can have her time separate. But yeah, I think that's when everything just started to click into place. October. Yeah. So is there this kind of light on moment that says, OK, my nervous system's calm and

we're gonna make it. Was there some like just spot where you can look back and say, okay, that's when I realized we're gonna be okay. Yeah, I definitely think it was probably.

November around Thanksgiving. I just was sitting back and I was just I was in my off day and I was cleaning up my house and I sat down and I really like thought about it. I was like, wow, I have come a long way. Like I have look at my house, look at my car, my daughter's healthy, happy. Me and Jayden's relationship was very healthy and happy. And so I think then that's where everything clicked in when I started to think about where I was a year ago when I wasn't like stressing out when I'm sitting down. My brain, I could sit down at my house and it was clean and it was fine.

And I was like, oh, I'm okay. I'm happy, I'm healthy. Kalani's happy and healthy. Jayden's happy and healthy. My relationship with Amber has grown tremendously. And so I think that's where I was like, okay, I'm gonna be okay. Everything's gonna be fine. I'm not gonna fumble again. And if I do, Amber's right there to pick me back up. yeah. We talk about being in community.

and needing that connection and really and truly that.

That is, I feel like, and I think the research backs me up on this as far as psychologically, developmentally, and all the things, but having a community and connection, that's where healing happens. That's where growth happens. so, you know, Amber and the program and having that community that you know is gonna support you and stand with you.

I mean, that just makes the difference. had that felt safety with Amber too, which is super, super important in our line of work. It's just really important when you're working with kids with, you know, trauma or whatever it is, that felt safety is super, super, super important. I think that's what made me...

like put my walls down and make like, okay, Amber's a good person, she can help me because I do have a lot of abandonment issues with my biological family and even some of my adoptive family. ⁓

I don't really have relationship with some of them as much as I want to. And so I have that in the back of my head, well, they're just going to leave anyways. So I've always, you know, like when the new person comes, I'm like, okay, well, what do you want? How long are you going to be here for? And what do I need to give you in this timeframe so that I can get what I need? know, and that was always my mentality. And so when Amber came around, it was like, hold on, you're a little different. I feel safe with you.

I feel like I can trust you. feel like I can lean on you. And then that consistency of her being there is what made me like, okay, Amber's that person that I can lean on. And I don't think Amber will ever leave me. And so I think that's probably what helped me the most is just making sure that she was always consistent and she was, you ⁓

good consistent person not someone that was you know consistently tearing me down or consistently Doing whatever it is. She was consistently making sure I was you know, okay and bringing me up Yeah, that that connection that felt safety when you're when you're Robyn is one of the we give out her book and our placement packages and and when your nervous system is in protection mode where it's

I don't feel safe, nothing around me is familiar or anything like that. We can't grow, we can't change, we can't heal ⁓ when ⁓ that's where our nervous system is at all the time. And how exhausting it is to have your nervous system just on alert.

24 hours a day, seven days a week, 365 days a year. I mean, it's exhausting. It is, yeah. It's a lot on someone's mental health. It's a lot on someone in general. But yeah, I definitely do agree. Yeah, so as far as your personal work, mean, have you done some counseling and things that have helped? Yeah, I got back on medicine, so that was my biggest thing. Absolutely.

I don't want to be on medicine. I've been on medicine my whole life I've always felt like when you're in CPS and you like tell them you have a problem here go Here's a med here's here's a med and so I've always been on a lot of medication and so I've always hated meds and so when I aged out I was like, I'm not gonna be on meds no more. I don't need these ⁓ And I realized dramatically like baby I need these get me back on my meds immediately. And so it was like a process I did get back on my meds and it was able to help my brain slow down

Because my brain goes like a thousand miles per hour all the time and so I'm always thinking of stuff and so sometimes I overlook details because of my brain just like And so and then I realized my highs were very high my lows were very low and so I was like, um This isn't right. I need to fix this and so I got back on medication I started therapy again, and I think that's what helped me because it wasn't Amber I was talking to it wasn't you know, somebody that knows everybody in my family

I think it was someone that knew only me and knew my story because she used to be my Therapist a long long long time ago. Yeah, so I got back and connected with her ⁓ And I think that's what made everything okay because I had an outside person that I can you know get all my feelings out to yeah and Amber can be that person but like It's a little different with her being my boss, right? Yeah, I'm like, yes. She's still my like best friend, but like she's also my boss And so I have to remember, know that boundary

And so I do I love my therapy it helps so much because I'm able to just you know Word vomit everything that I want to word vomit and then it's all out of my brain It's all out of my system and I can move on and I can figure out the next step. ⁓ So yeah, I think that probably is what helped both meds and therapy. It just a combination of them both Yeah, I mean when you've been through what you've been through, You know you need Many different different

mechanisms to help get over it. We're not get over it, that's not the right word, but... Heal. Heal from it and be able to move forward. Right? You know the trauma never goes away, but we can learn to overcome it and reverse the effects of it, right? The trauma is not going to go away, but there is healing with it. So what does your day look like now?

So my day consists of I wake up and I take Kalani to daycare and it's right on 10th. So it's so perfect because we have our shared housing on 10th. And so I'm basically like a personal Uber is what I say because I just transport I help transport them to and from work to and from school to and from job appointments or just doctor's appointments job interviews, ⁓ grocery store, just transporting transporting like them where they need to go and stuff. Yeah. I also just do a lot of stuff

that Amber needs help with. So run errands, know, do stuff and give her a little bit more free time so she can do her work on the computer with charting and all that stuff. And so before I came into the program, Amber was doing this all by herself. And so we have a lot of kiddos now. We have a bunch. And so it was like, you know, tearing Amber a little bit too thin. And so now with me there, it's more like I'm a big sister more than a staff. And so they see me as like.

Okay, older sister Jazz is telling me to do this. Let's go ahead and do this instead of, my staff is telling me to do this. Why is she telling me that? And so they do see me as a big sister. And so they come and talk to me all the time when they feel like they don't know what to do. And they're just like down in the dumps, they call me. And so it makes, it's like a full round circle for me because I'm like, that used to be me a year ago. I was calling Amber for everything. And now I'm at a place in my life where, know, kids are like, Jazz, like I just need someone to talk to. And I'm like, go ahead. I'm here.

Like, me just, let me listen. I'm just gonna listen. I'm just gonna sit here. You can scream, you can yell, you can cry, and I'm just gonna be here. And so, it's, I think it warms my heart knowing that I can be that person that Amber was for me. ⁓ And it's just like a really big full-round circle for me. Well, and your experience, your lived experience, know, people that don't understand, they don't.

They don't know. It's hard to talk to somebody that doesn't know what you've lived through because it's not that maybe you can give the wrong advice or say the wrong thing, but sometimes that ends up happening because you're like, you don't know exactly what it's like. And so I think for the girls coming to me and asking me questions and telling me stuff and or even them seeing that I was a graduate of this program and where I'm at now.

Because I've had a kid tell me that she was like Jazz I can't wait to be grown like you and I was like, well, I'm still working on stuff But yes, I like it was like ⁓ like you really think that I've come a long way and so and I really have I've come a lot way but I think really just being that supportive person that also have like went through the same thing isn't and can understand a little bit better than someone that has

hasn't been through that is very important for them because they feel like their feelings are validated. feel like, know, like Jass knows what I'm going through, so maybe she can help give me something that maybe helped her or something that, you know, didn't help her, whatever it was, I can give them that as like a peer-to-peer level instead of, you know, staffed up here. And so I think that it's important for that as well. Yeah, and I think that there's hope. They probably see you and they say,

that can be me. I gotta do the work, but that can be me. And so that gives them that support and that hope that things can get better. It's possible. I always tell them that they're not their story and they just have to overcome their story. ⁓

There was a kiddo that I told her my full story like my full full full story because I just felt like I needed to and she was like, you know what? Just like you just made me realize that I could go through all of the same stuff and I could still overcome them because you overcame them. Yeah. And I was like, of course, like you can overcome anything. You just have to have that, you know, that survivor's mentality instead of that Victor victim, And because a lot of our kids are just I'm a victim, I'm a victim, I'm a victim. And for so long, I was in that, you know, in that stage a year ago, I was

in that mentality of that victim mentality mindset. And so I couldn't push forward. And so my biggest thing is getting them into that mindset of I'm a survivor and I'm not a victim. And so I think that's probably one of the biggest things that I like to teach them is that your story does not define you. It may shape your future, but it does not define you. And so that's just one of the biggest things I tell them because, you know, I've been through a lot of stuff, but that doesn't define what my future is.

Exactly, exactly. Like I said, is hope. There's hope to overcome. So, also are part of TNOYS Yes, so I do, I work with Amber and then I do an internship with TNOYS, which consists of Zooms most of the time. so I do Zoom.

Texas Network of Youth Services. That's what TNOYS stands for. Yes. So it is all the way, we're all in Texas. So there's people in Austin, people in Houston, people in Dallas, people in Amarillo. It's a big group of us. And so basically TNOYS, do the ⁓ YELC. It's an internship. So basically we...

We do a lot of Zooms and we talk about a lot of policy meetings, a lot of policy stuff. We advocate for change in the five districts, which is like youth and homelessness, foster care, JJ, all of that stuff. so.

It's a lot and all of us, the youth in this program is basically who have lived experience in these, you know, five levels of systems. So basically they're what their goal is, is they take these kids that have lived through this and they teach them to be advocates and they teach them to be lawmakers and law changers. And that's what we do. We actually have a really big conference coming up in July. And I'm so scared. I'm so nervous because we're going to be speaking in front of like 500 people. But that's what they've been training us for all year. And so I'm really excited. ⁓

my group will be doing a workshop that we're leading ourselves on, you know, the impact of youth homelessness and aging out of the foster care system. Yeah, because at the conference, or at the, I can't remember what it was, it wasn't a conference, a couple months ago at the foundation, they, I think they said, if memory serves, um, kiddos that age out of foster care have a two and three chance of being homeless within the first year, if I remember the numbers correctly.

Yep, it really sucks because like 20 % of them are homeless immediately at 18. Right.

So it's just like something that we have to really, really, really advocate for. It's crazy being in this with all of these people from everywhere. Our stories are so much similar. And so that's why they do this. That's why they do this work to advocate and get it out there about all of the SIL programs. And so that's actually why I decided to be a part of TNOYS. I went to a listening session for them. I didn't even know nothing about them. They reached out to Amber about a listening session and said, bring some kids that have lived experience and aged out youth. And so Amber was like,

I have something let's go do this and so I went with her and I did this and they were like my gosh, like you speak really well. You're a big advocate and I was like, yeah, like I love this and so they're like, you know, here's a job and so they slid me the job stuff and I applied and I got it and it was really amazing that I got it because I applied out of like

I think it was like 80 people in all of Texas and only like 12 of us got it. And so I was very, very thankful that I was one of the people that was chosen. And so they told me that they really liked the fact that I'm a big advocate for myself and others. That's just because I've always been, I have a loud voice and I will use it when I, you know, is needed to. If there's a lawmaker on here or somebody that helps influence, what do you want them to know?

That's a question. That's a big question. I really think the biggest thing that a lot of them need or maybe...

should do is I really think a lot of them need to go spend time in the programs that they like work with or deal with with their laws that are changing. Because I know a lot of them, change these laws and they think these laws are good for these kids, but they've never met the kids that this law is going to be affecting. And so I think it'd be really good for a lot of lawmakers to hear from the kids and hear from the people that are actually having to deal with this law. And that's what we do at TNOYS. And so I think that that's probably the biggest thing that people need to know is just

Probably meet the people that your law is going to change because this this law could change their whole world like point-proven. There was a law that I believe is still in effect that it we're still trying to get it changed It's been a couple years that I've actually been trying to fight this one but there's a law that if you are in CPS and you have like Sexual abuse trauma in your past and you go spend a night with a friend or you go to your friend's house Your parent or your house parent or whatever they legally have to tell you know that parent about your child

your past and about your trauma. And I'm like, no, like, that's not right. That should be my place to tell them because now, you know, they're looking at me with pity. Right. Now they're looking at me with like, I'm so sorry. And like, I understand if, you know, their perpetrators still out and open. My perpetrator is in jail and has been in jail for years. So what was the point of you telling my best friend's dad that, you know, my dad did this to me, but now he doesn't look at me the same. Now he treats me different. And so I that is one of the biggest laws that I am still trying to push

to fight and change just because it affected me in a whole, you know, way that I never would have expected because I was best friends with this girl for years and she knew my story and her mom knew my story, but her dad didn't because, obviously. ⁓ so when my house parents had to tell him it was like a dramatic change in our relationship, I just never went over to their house again after that because I was just so embarrassed and so like he looked at me with pity and that's not what I wanted. I tell my story to tell you like this

what I went through, this is what I overcame, and this is why I am the way I am. It doesn't give CPS the right to tell your story for you, you know? And so I think that would ⁓ just probably just understand that your laws really do affect our lives and affect everything that goes around it and even our relationships. And so I think that's probably what I would say to some lawmakers. Yeah, absolutely. If Aside from that,

Because I agree that your story, I mean, it's personal. It's sentimental. We don't want to share a story to everybody. No. It's not something I want to tell, like, someone I just met or someone that I don't necessarily feel comfortable with or just, you know, my friend's parents. Your story is very, very, very...

close to you, it's very dear to you, it's very sentimental to you, it's very emotional. And there's also a lot of shame. Yes. There's a lot of shame ⁓ for especially sexual assault. Really all, you know, the person who's experienced those traumas ⁓ tend to believe that there's something wrong with them, which is why this happened, right? And so, ⁓

So there's a lot of shame that's associated with having been through these traumas.

Just throwing that out there to everybody. Or maybe even opening a rewound that they closed and they healed from in the past. Because that's exactly what it did for me within that situation because I have come a long way in my sexual assault journey and all of that stuff. so ⁓ I've come a long, long, long, long way. Like you said, there is that guilt. And for a long time, was always like it was my it was I did that. It was my fault. ⁓ I asked for it maybe. And so it took years and years.

and years of therapy to understand that it was not my fault, that I did not ask for it, and that what I did was not wrong. And so ⁓ for me, when that was said, was like a bandaid that was just ripped off. I just took years putting that bandaid on, and you just ripped it off in one 10-minute conversation. So other than that, ⁓ what is one thing

that you would change with regards to the foster care system, do you think? I know there's a lot. There's so I think the biggest thing is really listening to the kids because I feel like a lot of caseworkers, a lot of providers, a lot of...

different things, they don't actually listen to what the kid is actually needing or saying. A lot of them take their disruptive behaviors as them acting out. And maybe that might be a call of help and you're not understanding that. And so I think the biggest thing is I really feel like a lot of people need to be more trained and trauma informed, like care.

I think that was that's the biggest thing that I even continue to advocate and TNOYS is for is trauma informed care for providers and you know, in CPS and all of you know, the systems that involve these kids is; because a lot of a lot of them don't understand everything when it comes to that. So there's a lot of stuff that trauma does to your brain that you can't see or can't even think to understand until you learn about it. And even for me, I learned some new stuff about that in a training at Boys Ranch. And so

I think just more training for that would probably be the biggest thing that I'd push for. Yeah, I get it. So we kind of talked about this, but Fostering Independence really helped you get over that threshold and get some stability and some consistency in relationship and stuff like that. So where do think you would be today without Fostering Independence?

I probably would still be underwater, probably still not being able to get my breath. I don't think that I would be working in the CPS field. I think that I probably would have settled for less and just got a job that I could support my family for. I definitely think I would not be as happy and healthy as I am today just because I had that support of Amber and that community and that village around me. So I definitely think.

⁓ I'd probably be in a very, very low place and I'd probably not have my daughter low.

because at that time I was not able to provide for her. was not able to do what I needed to do. so, God forbid, I probably wouldn't have her. And so, I'm very thankful that my life has changed dramatically and I am now stable and now Kalani is stable. I think that's probably the best thing for me is that she's stable because she doesn't deserve an unstable life like I had. I don't ever want to give her, you know, a rough start to her life or just a rough life because that's what I had. I want her to

have what I wasn't able to give. And so it's really weird because I take her to McDonald's a lot to get Happy Meals and it's like my own.

like personal reasons. know like McDonald's is always not good for the kids, but I never got to go get Happy Meals. I never got to, you know, go get, you know, that fun stuff. I never got to collect the toys and collect the books and do all of that because I didn't have a quote unquote normal childhood. And so for me, I when I take her to McDonald's, it's like killing a piece of me. I get more excited about the toys than she does. And so I think it's just like a piece of me that heals. And so

Just being able to give her the life that I wasn't able to like we go to the park all the time I never Ever was able to go to the park as a kid like that We could go play outside but like I wasn't able to go to the park and slide and swing and have fun and do all these things and so Being able to give Kalani the life that I wasn't able to I think that just makes me whole it makes me fool It makes me feel like what i'm doing is right and it's just good, you know I love that

Yeah, it's and you can you can see the impact ⁓ That it that it's that Fostering Independence is having ⁓ but then also, you know It's it's you have to take some pride I think in Your story too because I mean Yes, they they

and provided a safe place and all those things, but you had to do the work too. I to be willing to accept their help and that was something that had to learn. Just because like I said, I have a lot of those abandonment issues, so I'm like when people are like...

when they asked for help, I'm like, I got it. It's really, really, really hard for me to ask for help when I'm in these low places. And so I had to learn that it was okay to ask for help and it was okay to accept help. And so I do agree and I have come a way. ⁓

in so many ways. ⁓ Fostering independence has helped me professionally as well. I had a lot of, and I'm still working on it, but I had a lot of time management issues. And so this has really helped me get my time management in order. It's really helped me get set up for the future ⁓ and just that professional aspect in that professional world because Amber, yes, she's my, you know, supportive friend and stuff and like my still my supportive person, but she's also like my boss. And so she comes for me out of like a boss perspective to like, come on, Jazz, you

You're supposed to be doing that. And so I love having her as both of those things. And I also actually, have a mentor now that's different from last time and it's actually Amber's mom. And so we call her Lolly. She's amazing. She's kind of a grandma figure. Yeah, they are, they say I'm very much like Lolly. And so we, we go good together. And so she, she's also my other person now that I call, I call Amber less now because she's more of my boss. And so now I just call Lolly and I meet with Lolly.

And so it's just another piece of... Yeah, the thing is, not everybody that's been in your situation is...

is making that decision, right? So what do you tell someone that was in your situation, what would you speak to them that maybe you needed to hear or that you think would help get them to open up and start to grow and change? ⁓

If I'm like speaking to the kid, I think that I would tell them that everything is going to be okay. I know it feels like, you know, you're underwater and you can't breathe, but let me be that oxygen for you. Let me be, you know, that steps so that you can step and get up and let me be that person that when you fall, I can pick you back up. Let me be that person that when you feel like you cannot advocate for yourself no more, I will use my voice and I will advocate for you. And so I think my biggest thing I would tell them is just it's not

It's not wrong to accept help. It's okay to accept help. ⁓ just, probably just give yourself some slack.

You've been through so much in your life and you have overcome so much and you just need to give yourself some slack. think that would be, I think that's what I helped me was when they're like, Jazz, you're okay. Like look how far you have come. Like you keep bringing up all of the stuff that's wrong and all of the stuff that's bad, but look at all the stuff that you've done right. Look at all the stuff that you've done good. And I think that's what was, like helped me like do a 360 is like, oh.

You're right, like my past does not define me. I've done all of this too. have, you know, putting in that work and really give myself that, you know, encouragement is probably what was best for me. And so just give yourself a pat on the back every now and then because you've come so far and you're so strong already and you can be so much stronger with help. Yeah. What do you, what would you tell, what would you tell?

foster parent that's out there listening to your story ⁓ that maybe maybe they didn't they don't have your experience and and they're they're bringing a kiddo into their home that has had your experience. What do you what would you tell them? My biggest thing I would tell them is be patient. It takes time. You have to really be consistent and give them that felt safety and once they feel safe

you will see they will come to you. They will be drawn to you because you have that felt safety. A big thing I would say to them is also remember that they have a lot of trauma in their life and that this affects them in every decision that they make. As soon as that they wake up from the time they laid their head on that pillow, it affects them because it affected me a lot. And I know that these behaviors may seem erratic or like this kid is just being pure out defiant.

It's most of the time that's not what they're meaning. They're screaming for help, but this is the only way they know how to scream for help. so really just be so trauma and trauma informed care is so important. I don't know how many times I have to stress that is just because it's.

that what trauma does to your brain is just crazy. And so learning and knowing what it does. So when you bring this kid into your life, you can go from instead of like, my God, this kid just does not listen to me. This kid just constantly yelling at me. She's just so angry all the time. Instead of doing that, hey, Jazz, I understand that you're angry. I understand that you need some time. If you need something, I'm right here. You're not alone. You're not wrong. I'm going let you have your emotions. I'll be right here when you need me.

I think that is so, so important because most of the time, like I'm saying, they're screaming like, help, help. And that is the only way they know how to help or ask for help because they've been in foster homes or lockdown facilities or shelter after shelter after shelter because that was me. I was in constant, constant places. And so I think just remembering that what they've been through still affects them and what they've been through also does not define them and help them know that it does not define them, help them heal.

get them in therapy, get them in, know, whatever that they need. But really you just have to listen to the kid, listen, truly, truly listen. And when I mean listen, not hear what they're saying.

No, listen to what they're actually saying words in between words read between the lines because I know when I was that kid I didn't ask for help in the right way I would say it in codes or like hey I'm struggling or just and then just switch to another subject fast and so that they forget that I just said that but Really truly try to understand what your kid's saying is probably what I would tell to any foster care but also don't be too hard on yourself because you are changing this kid's life and

and it is not easy for the parents as well. And so also just give yourself a pat on the back and knowing that you're doing whatever that you can to help this kid in the future would probably be both of those things that I would tell them. Absolutely, absolutely. Remind our listeners, I think you kind of guessed last time, how many high schools did you go to? ⁓ so much.

I don't even remember now, but I went to constant. was like freshman year. think I went to about four or five sophomore year. I only went to about two, I think. ⁓ Some of these include charters. Most of them include charter schools because I'm at locked in facilities or RTCs or places that we don't have outside contact with or stuff because most of the time it was everybody in the place.

you know, went to the same school in the same place. And so most of these were charter schools. think three of them were actual high schools and most of it and probably about like 12 to 15. Like I was constantly moving. I was always behind in school. And this frustrated me because I've always been like very, very smart when it comes to school and I've always been the top of my class. And it. ⁓

I was no longer the top of my class anywhere because I was just so far behind everywhere. Like one school was teaching me this and another school was teaching me this. Most of the charter schools you work online, it's the stuff you do online. like.

It didn't, it messed up a lot of my credits. I had to redo several credits and I'm like, bro, I already did this twice. And so it really messed up a lot. And so just moving and moving and not being able to make friends probably was hard too, just because I'm like, why would I talk to you when I'm probably gonna leave in a month? As soon as I get close to this person, I'm gonna have to leave or I'm gonna have to move or I run away. And so it just wasn't ever, I didn't have any consistency until I became an adult, unfortunately.

And that sucks, ⁓ but...

that's what it was. I mean, I finally had consistency when I moved to the children's home, but before then it was just, I was such an angry, angry person. I was angry at the world. I was angry at myself. I was angry at my family. I was angry at God. I was just so angry because I'm like, why? Like, I've gone through so much in my life already as a kid. Like, can you just give me the smallest break? And that was always my thing. I was just so angry, like,

do you not think I've went through enough already? Like you trying to give me some more? And so I would always have to remember, and I used to get so mad at this sentence that people would be like, well, God gives his his strongest things, his toughest like soldiers. And I'm like, I don't want to be your soldier. Take me off the list. Like I'm done. I'm not strong. And so ⁓ I had to like realize like, okay.

I know that I've been through a lot, this is why I am the way I am. If I didn't go through anything, I would not change anything in my story from my sexual abuse to my CPS time to anything to my adoptive family. I would not change one single bit because that is why I am the person I am today. It's why I am able to advocate for myself and others because I made myself that promise that I would never, ever, ever let anybody silence my voice because in that time I didn't have a voice. I was very timid.

I was a very little, you know, reserved child and that was taken advantage of and I think I made that promise to myself probably when I, as soon as I stepped foot in CPS when I was about 14 years old, I made the promise that I would never let anybody silence my voice and I would use my voice for others that can't use theirs because mine's loud enough for both. And so ⁓ it took a long time to learn and a long...

you know, a long process of therapy. ⁓ I think that, I don't know, I I wouldn't change anything. know? So, what, if there's a community member out there that's resonating with your story and wants to do something, what kind of things can they do?

Yes, so anything that you want to help support Fostering Independence, we have our website. It's fosterindependence.org. We also have a Facebook page and stuff. so right now we are looking for active mentors, ⁓ somebody that can be partnered one-on-one with one of our kids and just pick them up once a month, take them to the park, take them to go eat, just do anything. And just being another supportive, constant person in our kiddos' lives, because we have expanded a lot since last year.

year as well. I believe last year we had probably like 10 kids and now we're up to like 16, 17 and we have a whole much a lot more and so we need more mentors. We are actively looking for a male mentor for one of our males. We have one male in our program that's a twin and he's looking for someone that is a good, godly, you know, man that he can, you know, rely on because he doesn't have, you know, that figure and so we're looking for those and we also, if you're like

cleaning out your closet and you have clothes, women's, men's, children, it doesn't matter. All you have to do is set it on your front porch and we'll come pick it up for you. And we take it to clothing exchange and we turn that in and our girls that come in with absolutely no clothes are able to go pick out some clothes and shop. so ⁓ both of those would be definitely something that we're looking for and reaching out for if that's something that you have. Just DM us on our Facebook page or even

on our website, just contact us. And just all you have to do, you don't even have to talk to us, you can just set it on your front porch, set it in your garage, and that's what I do, I come and it Come pick it up, that's