From Foster Care to Finding Purpose
- Jul 15
- 14 min read
Hello and welcome to All Things Foster, a place for coffee, connection, and community. Today we have Robyn McTague on our show today. Robyn thanks for joining me.
Robyn (00:14.072)
Thanks for inviting me.
Matt (00:15.534)
Absolutely. So kind of set the stage for us. I know that you said that you grew up in foster care, right? Or you were in foster care.
Robyn (00:25.058)
I was, I grew up in a very dysfunctional family and my dad was an alcoholic, sexual abuser, rageaholic. And my mom was suicidal. The first time I remember I was four years old. So it was that either rage or victim where I can't say anything for fear of retribution. So I became very afraid of the world and didn't say much. And then
became kind of passive aggressive. And my mom and I had left my dad and brother when I was just about to turn six and we went to Manitoba. I'm in Canada. My grandparents didn't speak English. They were Ukrainian. I was across the street. I saw the ambulance come and my mom went into hospital again for attempting suicide because in those years there weren't any supports for women.
Matt (00:56.259)
Yeah.
Matt (01:06.029)
Matt (01:24.012)
Right?
Robyn (01:24.846)
those difficult situations. So I went to live with my cousins for a year when she was in hospital. And that was kind of my first foster care in a way, because we had lived in BC. So, you know, I'd met them briefly, but I didn't really know them. And it was really intimidating. And we did get back together, my mom and I, and we traveled around, lived with other families.
Matt (01:46.762)
Sure.
Robyn (01:54.888)
And then when I was 15, about to go into grade 11, she said, I'm moving again. And we had actually stayed in one town for a few years and I was starting to make friends. I didn't want to move again for the last couple of years in high school. It's harder to make friends as you get older. And there was something in me that finally stood up for myself. And I think
Matt (02:17.198)
Absolutely, sure.
Robyn (02:23.768)
part of it was I recognized the man that wanted us to move in with him. I know now that he was an abuser and that's why I that kind of sense that came up like this isn't a safe thing to do. And so I just said I'm not moving and it shocked myself kind of. But it had been
Matt (02:38.52)
Right.
Robyn (02:49.126)
Difficult just around that same time my dad had died and even though we didn't have a relationship it was a violent death and so it's very traumatic as well.
Matt (02:59.918)
Obviously, sure. Yeah.
Robyn (03:02.696)
And so we lived on welfare and I went to the welfare and they showed me these awful places and it's like, ooh, I can't live there. And so I just started asking friends at school and a guy I was doing janitorial work with, his mom said, come live with us. was really big shift for me, even though there was some interesting
Energetics that were the same like there was a lot of depression of the women in the family There was some drinking on the male side, but overall it was so much more peaceful and I felt that did so it was a really And to have someone to advocate for me that i've never had before in my life was really different
Matt (03:51.694)
Absolutely. Wow, what a story. Thank you for sharing. That is just, ugh, that's rough. mean, we need stability and connection and so to have all of that go on, it's got to be a challenge. So what did you do with that? mean, you're an adult now and what do you do? How did you...
Deal with that and turn that into what you do now.
Robyn (04:22.818)
Yeah, so after high school, it was okay, what do I do now? I'm kind of on my own. And you know, I was the first one to finish high school, let alone do anything else. But it was like grade 12 and people were saying, well, what are you going to do? I don't know. And then, you know, the high school counselors were like stewardess or nurse. And it's like, that did not fit for me at all.
And I was really good at art and the art teacher said are you gonna go into art? And it's like how can you make money on that? So my interest had always been psychology and you know, I wanted to know why people ticked it's like how can some people be so mean and other people be so, you know loving and I used to have these existential conversations with myself at 12 like why some people aware and why
Matt (04:57.272)
Sir.
Robyn (05:18.19)
all music is about love and I would have these long kind of very large world vision views of things. And I think that really set me up for wanting to advocate for others and not the psychology part. At one point I was gonna go and become the first camera woman in BC because TV women
Matt (05:29.976)
Yeah.
Robyn (05:46.338)
It was very misogynist and I did a course and it was like, well, you want to be in front of the camera? No, I want to be up doing the lighting and stuff. And it's like, there wasn't any room for me. And so I went back to the first love of psychology and I think that the right way to go. So I went to school for that and a psychology degree and then counseling certification, conflict resolution certification, because I didn't know how to deal with conflict.
Matt (06:15.192)
Sure, yeah.
Robyn (06:16.982)
or emotions really, right? Because I stuffed everything down like my mom did. And we know that anger turned inward becomes depression. And so what happened was I repeated the pattern. I married someone that looked different, but the anger issue, the electromagnetic, the energetic pattern was exactly the same. You know, I thought they don't drink, so not gonna be a problem.
Matt (06:21.969)
Right.
Matt (06:45.933)
Yeah.
Robyn (06:46.828)
And it was a really lonely time in my life. so what would happen there be these blowups, everything would be under the surface because I was so aware. I knew something wasn't right. And I'd try to bring it out. And it's like, no, no, everything's fine. And then these blowups. And I think it was an anniversary. We were going somewhere and they actually took off. was stranded at the restaurant. This is before cell phones.
Matt (07:03.991)
Right.
Matt (07:14.902)
Yeah.
Robyn (07:16.578)
And it's like, eventually they came back, but it was like, okay. And then because of some of the blow-ups we had, we finally went for counseling. And then I started to do my work. I went to a group for sexual abuse. I started to deal with some of the underlying issues. I saw how I put my whole life on hold for them and what was important to them.
And then they didn't do any work, which was a typical pattern. And then we had another blow up. And it was much more kind of violent where I would be thrown out the door, food thrown. And it's like, that just killed it. It's like, okay, if we're going to start from scratch, there's no trust here. Are you the person I want to be with? And I'd grown enough and...
Matt (07:47.726)
Right,
Robyn (08:08.942)
built more stability for myself internally that I could say no, you're not the person because the things I love like the arts and outdoors and stuff is not what they like. And how can I just live not living what's important to me and what brings me joy? Like what kind of life is that? Not great. So we went our separate ways and then I had cancer will be 26 years ago this year.
Matt (08:28.052)
Yeah, sir. No.
Robyn (08:38.926)
I had breast cancer which is of course nurturing, but it was really interesting because I started to tap into part of the
intuitive part of myself more. I knew something big in my life was going to change. And so in six months, I basically sat on my own and all the feelings came up. And that was the real for me was to, deal with the feelings and let out the Pandora's box. I got through it, you know, that fear that comes up when we start something that deep, but we can work through it. And so that really helped to shift
who I was and build the confidence that even though I look confident and competent in everything I did in the workplace and I did advocacy work and joint committee work and I loved it. I love bringing people together. love connecting. But there was a part of me that became more and more independent and went out on my own.
Matt (09:37.24)
Yeah.
Robyn (09:44.338)
And so I did that about 10 years ago and what happened was it's like, okay, I've got all these tools. How do I bring it together? And I became a meditation teacher, enneagram teacher. I do a motivational maps process, all these different things that help us to go deeper into who we are, why we do what we do and deal with the internal and the external conflict. And to me, that's the biggest part is
those tensions that we have. We have different ways of dealing with it, but it's hard to see for ourselves. So that's what I really help with to bring that bigger picture and to know that this is normal, right? We make ourselves wrong. We take on the shame and the blame from what wasn't ours to begin with. And so it's a way to say, this is what's important to me. This is kind of that worldview I have.
Matt (10:32.778)
Absolutely.
Robyn (10:42.57)
and then how can I see it clearly and then start to work with it and know that there's nothing wrong with me. Yes, I have challenges and there are different ways to deal with it that I didn't know was there. Now I can use those tools.
Matt (10:58.722)
Man, wow, that's awesome. So you still do counseling, one-on-one counseling and things?
Robyn (11:09.558)
I do. tend to start with some kind of a package, a small package to help us get that view first. So we do the motivational map. We have nine motivators and it helps us to see what's important to us. And some of the blind spots that we have, like for me, a lot of entrepreneurs are high growth because we have relationship motivators, we have achievement motivators and growth motivators.
So the entrepreneurs often are growth. So it's very much looking forward into the future. But if we're so focused in one area, what's missing in the other? So we look at what is that want that goes to a need, where the tension. So if we have top motivators that are relationship based and growth, those are very different. Because we want the bottom line with the high growth.
We want lots of information very frequently. We want to know about that stability, consistency, whereas the growth is like give me the next thing in the shiny object and what's next, right? So it's looking at that makeup to see where am I in alignment and what's out of alignment and if it's too low, how do I dismiss it in myself or other people? So
For me, my friend was low and it wasn't that I couldn't make relationships or friends. It wasn't important to me in the workplace because I was working full time, teaching meditation on the side. My lunchtime was going for fitness. And so I had a very kind of tight schedule. People who wanted my time, I saw as kind of needy. Wanted more of my time that I wanted to give. And so that didn't feel good to me.
Matt (12:55.726)
Sure.
Robyn (13:05.57)
But when I became an entrepreneur, it's like, it's all about relationship. I had to reframe that for myself. So it's really important to see the things that aren't naturally things we see. So we need to bring in different tools, different ways to make that important as well. So we don't miss it. And yeah, so it's an amazing tool and it's partly based on the enneagram. And that's why I went down that rabbit hole of becoming a teacher.
And I still continue to train in certain aspects because there's a lot of depth. But it helps us to see what is that worldview? Yeah. That main one that I have and again, ways to grow. I only like tools that give us actually ways to change things rather than just name them.
Matt (13:51.566)
Yeah, that didn't do us good, it?
Robyn (13:53.792)
No, like you think about, okay, I'm an INTFJ or whatever, but how does that help me?
Matt (14:00.578)
Mm-hmm.
Robyn (14:02.494)
And with these tools, it's a path for growth. So you do both of those assessments. And then we have a follow-up session and integration. I give you some practices. And then from there, if you want ongoing coaching, and then there's some of the meditational courses if people are ready for that, because they go quite deep. And so it's really about embodying
With the Enneagram we have three centers of intelligence, body, heart and mind and we tend to focus on one. So how can I bring in those other centers, make better decisions for myself and then use it for how we're working with our clients, our friendships, our relationships and always because once we build that relationship with ourselves, we learn to have boundaries, we know what they are, we learn to deal with the emotions and
I also do shadow work and some other pieces that help us to integrate some of those pieces that come up.
Matt (15:06.328)
Absolutely. So let's talk to foster parents a little bit. You were on the other side of things, right? So you understand very, very deeply a lot of the difficulties and struggles that kiddos in foster care face. So talk to a foster parent who's trying to see
this child with these difficulties and how they can try to help them work through these things.
Robyn (15:46.514)
Yeah, I think the first thing is to not take things personally and I talk a lot about that with the other things I do, but they're probably really scared and just to know that even though they might not look like they're reactive, there's a lot going underneath and to just really be open and kind and not pushy, right? It's like...
Just having that safe space because you're going to get tested. Yeah, I I know I did that That's part of my personality. I mean my underground personality type is is that way to kind of test the leader test whoever it is in this case the parent to see if they're going to stay right because their parent isn't there anymore So that fear of abandonment is huge
Matt (16:41.472)
Very big,
Robyn (16:42.912)
And we all have it to a certain degree and foster kids can have it more. And especially depending on what other maybe care homes they've been in before. So it's, it's like just having that space and saying, and especially if they can have their own space. Like when I went into foster care, that was the first time I had my own bedroom. It was a huge thing for me to have my own space. Yeah. I mean, mostly I was on the sofa and you know,
Matt (17:07.566)
Absolutely.
Robyn (17:13.013)
or sleeping with my mom and how embarrassing is that? So having their own space, even if it's not a bedroom, if they have to share, like maybe they could have some time on their own. Like, you know, after school, you get an hour to have that space for yourself because that's such a calming influence for us. And so there's ways to just create that space and
Matt (17:22.763)
in the
Matt (17:35.33)
Right.
Robyn (17:42.454)
when you are reactive taking that breath and it's like how big of a deal is it and remembering the basic parenting tools of person not It's not the person. It's the the thing that they did right? And so it's like separating that out because a lot of foster kids have never had that experience of being able to say you are still okay It's what you did. Yeah
This is the behavior and this is what the consequences are. So creating boundaries. So again, that not all or none, which sometimes because we have good hearts as a foster parent, it's like, well, I'll just let them do things, but that's no good either because they usually haven't had boundaries because this is what I see with adults all the time. And I had to learn boundaries too. Most of us don't learn them.
Our parents didn't have them. How are they going to teach us? So, yeah. So creating the boundaries, but that firm not mean. And so that firmness is like, yes, I still love you. I'm not throwing you out, like reassuring them a lot. And it's like, and even if you can make plans into the future so that they see that there is something going on, it's, it's not like
Matt (18:39.438)
Sure.
Matt (19:03.47)
Yeah.
Robyn (19:05.27)
you're out of here next week, right? So it's like, well, you maybe we're going to talk about the summer. Maybe for the first time, the kid's going to have like a summer vacation. Like I never had that. You know, unless I was going to a church thing that was covered by the church and then I usually was hiding in the corner. Yeah. So that freedom to let them kind of unwind.
Matt (19:15.714)
Yeah
Matt (19:26.461)
Yeah
Robyn (19:32.852)
enough to start to show their own personality. Not having arguments in front of them. if you're in a... It's a huge one, right? I was in a book and it's, what is it, five tips for partner conflict resolution. So setting up your time outside of what's going on. So learning to take...
those timeouts with your partner too, when there's conflict to say, yeah, we need to table this. so, because the kid's going to take it on, is there the problem? You're going to carry that with them. And then again, beyond edge that they're going to get thrown out and back into the system. So that's a big thing. And understanding,
Matt (20:06.67)
Yeah, yeah.
Robyn (20:20.78)
I teach the meditation course for children as well. And so that's something an a parent needs to come and do that. So they do have to be a legal guardian to or have the approval of the parents. So depending on the situation. And I know that was a problem for me getting my driver's license because my foster parents weren't legal in the system. So they couldn't sign for me. So I didn't learn to drive till I was 25. So
Matt (20:42.456)
Mm.
Robyn (20:50.326)
Yeah, having those things. And there's there's other ones out there. This one is really good because they learn that they get their little bubble and they can the love can come through and the arrows can bounce off. And so it's a really amazing thing. And having contact, I think, with the schools, like there's so much bullying, you know, having the boundaries around the they probably
know don't have phones or whatever but just any ways that that you can help them to because often bullies are the victim or the bully so it can be either if we're bullied those are the two ways that we can go and I remember that bullying and you know being thrown down the hill and whatever else yeah
But it was different then where it's more insidious now. So really keeping that communication open with schools and what's going on in their activities and, you know.
And really like I know for myself it's like you might put the kid in something that they don't really like so I would go to the library. I became an avid reader that was my way to cope and I loved it because I was very intellectual and that's kind of saved me. But I would just go hide out in the library instead of going to the thing that they wanted me to go to.
Matt (22:20.366)
Well, listen, we are short on time. I would love to dig a little bit deeper with you. But where do so where do folks find you?
Robyn (22:29.44)
https://www.alifeofchoice.ca/ it's CA CA because I'm in Canada.
Matt (22:33.218)
Right? Yeah. Okay. So https://www.alifeofchoice.ca/ Yes. Well, very good. Well, maybe I can have you on, we're recording in Podapalooza and so we're limited on short interviews. My interviews are usually a long form, very in depth and things like that. So hopefully we can sync up and get you on to talk a little bit deeper on the things, but thank you so much for coming, sharing a personal, personal story. That's not an easy thing to do.
And so I appreciate you coming on and I appreciate you sharing your experience.
Robyn (23:07.96)
Well, thank you so much for having me and thank you for doing this for the foster kids and parents.
Matt (23:13.646)
Absolutely, Well guys, make sure to like share and subscribe the episode and we'll catch you on the next one. Thank you. you
Comments