Foster Care with Deidra Avendesora

Matthew Darrah (00:00.0)

Hello and welcome to All Things Foster, a place for coffee, connection, and community. Guys, thank you so much for tuning in today. We've got a great guest coming on today to tell her story of foster care and adoption. But before we get to that, I want to thank our episode sponsor, ETC Business Services. ETC Bookkeeping is a private company created in 2007 to provide bookkeeping.

Matthew Darrah (00:28.398)

payroll and tax services to help small business owners understand and manage their finances. Janie believes in the economic value small businesses add to keep our country strong and is grateful to foster and adopt families who give children a safe place to grow up. It's her privilege to help the Panhandle Orphan Care Network provide to those families. And you can find Janie at Janie.

Matthew Darrah (00:57.03)

at www.etcjaniethomas.com or email her at janie, that's janie@etcjaniethomas.com And I'll tell you that Janie is a super, super great lady and I am not an accountant. I will throw that out there for the world. I am not an accountant. And so Janie is super helpful for me when I've got an issue with some

Deidra Avendasora (01:04.722)

Okay.

Matthew Darrah (01:26.456)

QuickBooks thing or something, and she's just great. So if you're needing help with bookkeeping,

Matthew Darrah (01:34.175)

QuickBooks, any of that kind of stuff, she is fantastic. So give Janie a call. And that brings us to Deidre. How are you?

Deidra Avendasora (01:44.489)

I'm great. How are you doing Matt?

Matthew Darrah (01:46.816)

I'm good. So, Deidre and I connected. She is a foster mom. And so I wanted to bring her on to share kind of her story. So much about what we do on this podcast is to, you know, we do better when we connect with people that are similar, that have similar struggles and similar beliefs and similar values and things like that. And so we try to bring folks on that have that. And then other weeks where we have

Matthew Darrah (02:16.078)

resources like Dr. Kate Lund last week where she talked about building resilience in kiddos and a couple of books that she's got out. And so if you haven't listened to those episodes, go back and check those out. But today we've got Deidre on and she, like I said, she and I have connected. She is a foster mom. so Deidre, us a little bit about yourself.

Deidra Avendasora (02:39.913)

Yeah, so I am a foster mom. I am married. We have two children that are ours, ours, and then we have fostered 14 children. And we have been fostering since about 2010, I think, maybe 2015.

Matthew Darrah (02:57.091)

Wow.

Matthew Darrah (03:03.002)

Wow. So why, where did the desire, the passion, what was the impetus behind the decision to start fostering?

Deidra Avendasora (03:17.871)

Yeah, two different sources. So first, my best friend's mom, when I was a little girl, she was just my second mom. And I loved her so much. And it was just amazing to have another person in my life that really cared about me. my own parents, great. But it was wonderful to have her in my life, too.

Deidra Avendasora (03:44.025)

Other source of inspiration is from one of my sons. He is adopted and he actually has some brothers and a sister, but because of the circumstances and his first family, they weren't, they were placed for adoption. And you know what? The adoption agency,

Deidra Avendasora (04:11.601)

made separate plans for the children and the siblings were placed in different homes and they have great families, but it also was a really big loss for them to not only, you know, to go to these new families, but also to lose that sibling bond. And so actually when we foster, we specifically foster sibling groups.

Matthew Darrah (04:23.8)

sure.

Matthew Darrah (04:40.942)

Wow, and so you said 14 kiddos that have come through in about the last 10 years or so.

Deidra Avendasora (04:49.475)

Yeah. Correct. Exactly.

Matthew Darrah (04:50.67)

Wow.

Matthew Darrah (04:53.166)

So, what, so then what was the, what was the, take us back to that first time somebody calls you and says, we're bringing you some kiddos. What does that look like for you guys?

Deidra Avendasora (05:11.17)

Yeah, it was such a roller coaster of emotions. get a phone call and you just don't know when you're going to get that call. And I had just recently had surgery and so, but I was like, should we do this or we say yes? But there's never a perfect moment in time.

Deidra Avendasora (05:40.47)

And so we were like, yeah, we're going to do this. And we jumped right in and they had said it was an emergency placement. So they called and, you know, just a few hours later, we had two children walk in our front door and, you know, just they immediately walked in and they started exploring our house. And I'm like, why, hello. So.

Matthew Darrah (06:07.469)

You

Deidra Avendasora (06:09.327)

Yeah, and they stayed with us for two years.

Matthew Darrah (06:14.126)

two

Matthew Darrah (06:14.356)

years. So what are some lessons? What are some things that you maybe didn't know going in or you thought you knew that you learned real quick you didn't really know or things like that?

Deidra Avendasora (06:30.068)

Yeah. wow. So many things. And I think probably the biggest thing that I didn't fully appreciate was just how much I was really going to admire the parents and the grandparents and the siblings and aunts and uncles and cousins.

Deidra Avendasora (06:57.287)

of kids in care. It was one of these things where, I mean, it was really obvious at the outset of, yes, there are going to be children. But, you know, it's not something that is always deeply thought about, like all of their extended family that still want to maintain connections with the children while they're in care. And yeah, so, and then I think too,

Matthew Darrah (06:58.702)

Mm.

Deidra Avendasora (07:24.501)

You know, I don't know exactly what I thought what the parents would be like, but I am constantly just amazed by them and I am happy to call many of them friends.

Matthew Darrah (07:38.648)

Good. Sometimes there can be a adversarial relationship with the family, whether it's the mom and the dad or the grandparent or this or that because we say this all the time, we're not...

Deidra Avendasora (07:52.525)

Mm-hmm.

Matthew Darrah (08:01.718)

There's a cycle. mean, there is a real cycle that perpetuates when kiddos come into care. So many of the kids that are in care now, their parents were in care. And so there's this thought process a lot of times that, oh my God, those people are so awful. When in reality, hurting people hurt people.

Deidra Avendasora (08:03.886)

Okay.

Matthew Darrah (08:30.126)

we so often become that which was done to us. so, most foster parents that I know, they're rooting for, mean, nobody out there in the foster care world is like, let's, death to the bio family. They want,

Deidra Avendasora (08:30.254)

Ow. Okay.

Matthew Darrah (08:58.51)

Matthew Darrah (08:58.99)

this relationship to become better, to become more beneficial and to grow and things like that. so I do think that there's a lot of thought process out there that foster families just trying to steal kids or something like that when in reality, they're just trying to provide a safe and stable loving home until the

Deidra Avendasora (09:20.486)

Matthew Darrah (09:26.638)

kiddos can end up back where they need to be, where it's beneficial and it's safer and things like that.

Deidra Avendasora (09:35.537)

Yeah, I mean, I always think, but for the grace of God, go I, right? Because there's so many difficult things that can happen in a person's life. For example, you could have a catastrophic injury at work.

Matthew Darrah (09:46.307)

Mm-hmm.

Deidra Avendasora (09:55.188)

you know, and then rightfully take some opioids to treat the pain and then become addicted, right? Or as you kind of mentioned before, there is intergenerational trauma, right? I know a family where literally, you know, when I've had conversations with them, it's gone back to the great, great grandparents where there was, you know, a variety of different abuse. And if that's what you grew up with.

Deidra Avendasora (10:22.717)

You know, it's really hard to overcome. you know, mental illness. Nobody asks for mental illness. You know, it is an illness and it comes up and what are you going to do about it? You know, and sometimes, you know, people just need some time without kids in their home and with some supports outside.

Deidra Avendasora (10:47.041)

to be able to fix what needs to be fixed in their families so that the kids can come back to them. And, you know, one of the things that I always try to do is when a child is placed with you, you get this information about the family, about the parents specifically, that talks about why the kids came into care. But it's only going to look at the negatives.

Deidra Avendasora (11:16.077)

And so I always try to reach out very early on and say, look, you know, this, they're only going to show me the negative things that brought the kids into care. I want to know you as a whole individual. So please tell me, you know, what do you like to do? You know, and what are your hobbies? And, you know, it just tell me a little bit about your life. And I think...

Matthew Darrah (11:30.146)

Right.

Deidra Avendasora (11:44.279)

that people respond very well to that. And I always also talk about how, you know, my intention of, you know, wanting their families to be able to reunite and that, you know, I ask them about their opinions of what are the things that are important to them for their children. So I know that I can oftentimes try to continue some of those things.

Matthew Darrah (12:13.602)

Mm-hmm.

Deidra Avendasora (12:13.87)

in

Deidra Avendasora (12:14.141)

our home while the kids are living here.

Matthew Darrah (12:17.708)

Yeah, yeah. So what's a favorite memory? Whether it could be a circumstance of, know, some something happens with some kiddos or some, or, you know, maybe reunification. What is something that stands out that's like, my gosh, this was so amazing?

Deidra Avendasora (12:41.556)

Yeah. So, you know, we've been fostering for quite a while and one of the children that we had fostered early on turned 18. And when she had gone home, her family, you know, for a variety of reasons had made a decision that they didn't want to have ongoing contact with us. And we're just like, that is so hard. But then once this child turned 18,

Matthew Darrah (13:04.471)

Mm-hmm.

Deidra Avendasora (13:11.488)

She reached out to us and she's like, you know what? Thank you so much for being there. And she got a full ride to an Ivy League university. And I was just like, wait a second. I was the one who went and did that extra paperwork so that she could be in the advanced classes, even though social workers teachers, they're all telling me,

Deidra Avendasora (13:41.578)

You know what, when kids are in foster care, they, you know, oftentimes they're overwhelmed by things going on in their life and they actually, they can't be in a very academic rigorous program. And I'm like, maybe generally, but not this child. This child needs this, wants this. And yeah, so, you know, it's just amazing to see like years down the road, both that love and knowing that you made a big impact in this, in this child's life.

Deidra Avendasora (14:11.883)

and both in terms of like their heart, but also, you know, for their career and their academic journey. So yeah, so that was fun. The other thing, yeah, so I was just gonna say it's like, you know, cause I have a heart for siblings and, you know, we have fostered a sibling group and

Matthew Darrah (14:21.678)

Yeah. Yeah. We had a.

Matthew Darrah (14:26.178)

Go ahead.

Deidra Avendasora (14:42.571)

We had three of the siblings, but there were a total of 10 children. And yeah, I know, right? It's family. And so, you know, they were in different homes and so forth and being able to, you know, arrange social outings with them, whether it was going to a baseball game.

Deidra Avendasora (15:10.379)

or going to the park together and just continuing to see like when they get together of just like this joy of like, oh yes, here I am. I get to see you again. I get to play. I get to have fun and I've missed you. And it's just, it's an amazing experience when you can bring these siblings together.

Matthew Darrah (15:17.772)

Yeah.

Matthew Darrah (15:28.664)

Sure. Yeah, I was going to say there was a kiddo that lived across the street from us and his experience was not great. And he ended up going to stay at a kind of a ranch for kiddos that have difficulties. And he showed up on our porch three or four years later with like, you know, he'd

Deidra Avendasora (15:49.701)

Mm-hmm.

Deidra Avendasora (15:54.09)

Matthew Darrah (15:58.348)

He graduated high school, he was going off to college and, and, you know, and he was like, man, you guys just, you know, your family was just so important to us and things like that. And it is, you get, you're like, man, we made an impact on this kid's life. And,

Deidra Avendasora (16:14.118)

Yeah.

Matthew Darrah (16:14.783)

and so those are, those are, those are huge, huge wins. You just, you just count yourself blessed to be able to participate.

Matthew Darrah (16:27.68)

in that success, you know? What was, what's one of the hardest things you've run into?

Deidra Avendasora (16:29.378)

Yeah, exactly.

Deidra Avendasora (16:39.114)

Yeah, so there is no other way except for to love the children that are in your home. And, you know, when they talk about the trauma that they've experienced, you know, it's just, it's heartbreaking. And, you know, it's just, it's heavy. I was

Deidra Avendasora (17:08.762)

with a child once we were at McDonald's and we're coming back from a doctor's appointment and he says to me he says you know I don't normally like to eat because you know this relative of mine used to make me eat my own vomit and I'm just like what how in the world how in the world do you process that and and for this child it was just a fact of life you know

Matthew Darrah (17:28.174)

Yeah.

Deidra Avendasora (17:35.814)

And there's many other stories like that of where, you they've had some very heavy trauma, you know, and, you know, you sit there and you bear witness and you help, you help them process that by listening, by being there. But still, it's, yeah, it's heavy.

Matthew Darrah (17:59.658)

It's heavy, it's super heavy. What are things that really help as you walk this path?

Deidra Avendasora (18:12.064)

Gosh, you know what? I am so gosh darn lucky because I have so many wonderful people in my life. Obviously, starting within my own home, right? My husband and my two sons, they are amazing. But above and beyond that, right? So there's extended family. There are friends, our neighbors.

Deidra Avendasora (18:37.875)

You know, there's people that you meet through support groups that are in person or online. You know, other foster parents, it's just like those connections with other people. That is what I think really helps you get through because, one person, you know, they're gonna be really awesome at navigating the foster care system.

Deidra Avendasora (19:02.724)

Another person is going to be like, hey, you know, I'm going to volunteer to babysit for you. Another person is going to be like, hey, you know what? Why don't I teach, you know, that young boy in your house? Why don't I have him come over and we're going to, you know, do some car repair? You know, I mean, whatever it is, you know, having those people kind of show up for you, that just, you know, that it is, you know, that you're not alone.

Deidra Avendasora (19:32.445)

And yeah, and you just feel so supported.

Matthew Darrah (19:36.418)

Yeah, that is that is one of the biggest challenges. I think that foster families face is the fact that you do you feel so alone. You feel like nobody else understands what in the world you're going through. And and just we do better in community. We do better when we have folks around us that that understand what we're going through. And that makes such a huge impact to folks that are

Deidra Avendasora (19:47.387)

Mm-hmm.

Matthew Darrah (20:06.072)

They're just struggling, you know?

Deidra Avendasora (20:08.93)

Yeah. And I think there's different things that you turn to people for, So the experience of being a foster parent,

Matthew Darrah (20:10.094)

Thank you.

Deidra Avendasora (20:21.991)

There are similarities to being a biological or adoptive parent or a step-parent, but it is not the same. And I mean, you are raising somebody else's children. It is meant to be temporary. These kids have a lot of trauma to process. So a lot of times there could be things, behaviors that come along with it.

Deidra Avendasora (20:51.309)

Maybe their parents weren't able to keep them up to date on medical appointments. And so you've got a lot of other things to be doing. And it is the, you know, trying to understand how to work with a social worker and, you know, what it's, you know, this whole experience. And, you know, it really, if you reach out and make those connections with other foster parents, I think that is where you get

Deidra Avendasora (21:19.001)

a lot of that support of someone else who's been walking the same walk. But at the same time, you know, those other people who could be like, you know, like I said, they are the ones who are like, hey, you know what, I'm going to the grocery store. Can I pick you up something while I'm there? You know, I mean, it's much lighter. Or hey, you know what?

Matthew Darrah (21:37.475)

Yeah.

Deidra Avendasora (21:43.484)

it's been a while since you've gone out. Why don't you know, you and I go out and we'll just go do something fun. And you don't have to think about anything that's going on in your household or your life right now. We're just going to go and have fun. So there's all sorts of different ways to feel, to be supported. I would say make those friends with other foster parents if you can, and then rely upon your, your family, your other friends, your neighbors,

Matthew Darrah (21:57.154)

Yeah.

Deidra Avendasora (22:13.083)

your church community, your coworkers for support in other ways.

Matthew Darrah (22:20.268)

Yeah, sure. So other than, you know, a friend reaching out and doing something or a another foster family or something, are there other things that, know, that you're like, man, some, know, somebody did this for me and it made a huge, it helped so much. You know, maybe it's, and it's something that somebody else could, you know, could say, my gosh, I could do that. I could.

Matthew Darrah (22:48.982)

you know, bring them dinner the night that a placement or I could I could do this or that. Is there something that other than what you've said that someone could do that you feel like, man, if somebody would do that for another foster family, that would make a huge difference.

Deidra Avendasora (23:07.37)

Yeah.

Deidra Avendasora (23:08.89)

Okay, so you know that I'm way into fostering siblings. One of the big challenges is just having enough beds. And so, you know, if your kids have grown and you've got some bunk beds,

Deidra Avendasora (23:25.35)

You know, look to see if there's a way for, you know, to donate this to, you know, your local agency that provides foster care, because that could be the difference of, you know, a sibling staying with, you know, their brother or sister. It's just a bed. And I mean, that's transformative.

Matthew Darrah (23:41.186)

Yeah. Yeah, we took a patient package

Matthew Darrah (23:46.788)

up to a little town north of here. And it was a grandparents that were bringing in their three granddaughters and they had a bunk bed, but they didn't have mattresses for the bunk beds, you know? And so, yeah, those kinds of materials support mechanisms, they do, they make a huge, huge difference.

Deidra Avendasora (23:59.012)

Mm-hmm.

Deidra Avendasora (24:10.5)

Yeah, I mean, it's just a one-time thing, right? If you just had it and you're just like, okay, yeah, yeah, you we weren't using it anymore, you know? Our kids are grown or they're, you know, we upgraded to a bigger bed or something, you know? That can just really make a huge difference. think, you know, one of the things that I don't think people realize is that, you know, depending on what state you're in, between 50 to 80 % of sibling groups are separated in foster care.

Matthew Darrah (24:16.171)

Yeah, sure.

Deidra Avendasora (24:39.397)

Yeah, you know, that's the longest, a sibling relationship is the longest relationship you will have in your life. It is the relationship that you have from, you know, when you're an itty bitty kid, all the way to your dying day. And, you know, most of us outlast our parents and our significant others don't come into our lives until we're adults.

Deidra Avendasora (25:04.303)

So yeah, that's gonna be their longest relationship. And if you can help them save that and have that close relationship, yeah. So, yes. So thank you to those people that have donated beds and mattresses. It has been amazing.

Matthew Darrah (25:18.582)

Right. Yeah.

Matthew Darrah (25:21.366)

Yeah. So talk to us about what was it like getting licensed? mean, was it chaos? Was it easy? it what was it like?

Deidra Avendasora (25:28.517)

Deidra Avendasora (25:31.78)

Yeah, to get licensed. You know, so there's, we did in-person classes. So this is a while ago. So we did in-person classes and gosh, I don't remember how long it took. It took a while, you know, showing up on some Wednesdays, some Saturdays. And it was nice because they fed us actually. So that was good. But, you know, I think

Deidra Avendasora (25:58.725)

you know, just opening it up and talking about your parenting style, your relationship with your significant other, what your own family history is like. Oh gosh, it felt a little intimidating, but honestly, they're not there to, you know.

Deidra Avendasora (26:26.677)

It's not a gotcha. They want to rule you in. They're not looking to, my gosh, we're going to try to find something so that we can throw you out of the program. They want you to be able to stay in. And if they have any kind of concerns, they will be like, hey, what about this? And then you have an opportunity to explain a bit more. if they want you to do something, can remedy something or other.

Deidra Avendasora (26:56.1)

So I think that's that vulnerability. That was probably the hardest part. But yeah.

Matthew Darrah (27:06.35)

Yeah, because I

Matthew Darrah (27:07.11)

mean, you know, they're not, you know, they're they're they're trying to find families that are going to be safe and stable and loving and, you know, things like that for these for these kiddos. And so, you know, it's not, you know, they're not just they used to think back when I was in the foster system. I mean, if you had a pulse, I think they they would get you license. But but but yeah, so but it's not an easy it's not an easy process, but

Deidra Avendasora (27:14.008)

Mm.

Deidra Avendasora (27:28.163)

Okay.

Matthew Darrah (27:36.478)

Worthwhile, right? Yeah, definitely worthwhile. So if you were gonna talk to somebody that was saying, hey, you know, I might do that. I might do that. What are some things that you would say, hey, know, okay, before you get into this, you should think about this, you should do this, you should maybe work on that, something like that.

Deidra Avendasora (27:38.036)

Yeah, yeah, definitely.

Deidra Avendasora (27:55.556)

Deidra Avendasora (28:01.318)

So, okay, Matt, I'm just gonna tell people to go do it. You know, I mean, that's that's the honest thing. I'm like, because people do, you know, they come up and they asked me, hey, I thought about it. And I'm like, you know what, there is no perfect time and there is no perfect parent. So, you know, you know, jump in and do it. You know, the time is now.

Deidra Avendasora (28:24.492)

If you are, you hey, if you're, if you're someone listening and you've been thinking about, should I do this? And you've been waiting for a sign. This is the sign. Yeah. You know, and, you know, there's the Peace Corps slogan, which is the toughest job you'll ever love. I think that the truth of it is that, being a foster parent is the toughest job you will ever love. So hard. Yes. But it is so rewarding. So amazing.

Matthew Darrah (28:24.526)

Yeah.

Matthew Darrah (28:31.746)

Here's your sign, Ryan.

Deidra Avendasora (28:54.357)

and it's going to enrich your life in so many different ways.

Matthew Darrah (28:56.974)

Yeah. So speak to that, you know, there's that whole, you know, I could never love them the way I could love my own kids or whatever. Speak to that.

Deidra Avendasora (29:09.579)

Yeah, so I have a biological son. I have a son through adoption and we have fostered 14 kids. I loved them all and you know, I think each kid you're going to connect to in a different way because each one is unique. They're going to have their own personalities, their own stories, their own likes and dislikes. And so

Deidra Avendasora (29:38.93)

You know, it's not really, to me, it's not about genetics. It's about really appreciating who someone is. And if you can appreciate who someone is, then you're going to love them. So yeah, I wouldn't worry about that. I wouldn't worry about it.

Matthew Darrah (29:57.208)

Yeah.

Deidra Avendasora (30:09.002)

you know, putting that kind of personal philosophy aside. You know, if there comes a situation that, you know, arises in your home that is, wow, I don't know, I can't do this or whatever, that kind of comes up, you know, there is always that option to ask the child to be moved to another place. And I don't advocate moving a child out of your home. I don't.

Deidra Avendasora (30:38.583)

But I think sometimes knowing, maybe in the back of your mind, that can maybe just be like, hey, I'm doing this because I choose to do this. I'm doing this because my heart is in it. if things get way, way beyond my control, there is something. There's another avenue.

Matthew Darrah (31:05.774)

Mmm.

Deidra Avendasora (31:08.162)

Like I said, I think that once you are open with your social worker and with your support system, I say, I'm like, oh my gosh, this is so hard. I am a lot of times too like, oh gosh, I'm working. And there's all these other commitments that go along with fostering a child above and beyond the actual parenting.

Deidra Avendasora (31:37.306)

and I'm feeling overwhelmed. And you know what? Then people can come in and they can help you out in all sorts of different ways. If you can just be a little bit vulnerable and admit it and let people help.

Matthew Darrah (31:50.328)

Yeah, for sure. So what do you think, what is the biggest single impact that fostering has made in your life?

Deidra Avendasora (32:05.57)

Deidra Avendasora (32:05.913)

God, choose just one.

Matthew Darrah (32:07.724)

Ha ha ha ha.

Deidra Avendasora (32:11.484)

I mean, it changes like everything, you know, because I think it makes you a better person, you know, you develop more patience. you begin to realize the story that people walk around with, you know, you just be like, you know, you might think like, such and such a person is

Matthew Darrah (32:35.342)

No

Deidra Avendasora (32:41.297)

is, you know, I don't know, not a nice person. But then, you know, when you get to know what people carry and that they don't, but is not publicly said, then your heart grows for people. And so, you know, now, you know, if somebody's cutting me off in traffic, I'll be like, you know what, maybe something really bad is going on in their life right now. And you know what, I'm just going to extend some grace to them and that's going to be fine.

Matthew Darrah (32:52.187)

Mm.

Matthew Darrah (33:06.936)

Sure.

Deidra Avendasora (33:08.417)

And so I see this kind of showing up in all different places in my life. You're right. I think it makes me better at my job. I think I'm a manager at work. I think it makes me a better manager. It makes me a better parent to my two sons who are permanently with us. I think it makes me a better wife, you know, just to be like, hey, you know what people are doing the best

Deidra Avendasora (33:37.313)

that they can in the moment. And so, yeah, it's just a transformational way of thinking. so, yeah, foster care has done that for me. It's being a foster parent.

Matthew Darrah (33:38.722)

Yeah.

Matthew Darrah (33:49.856)

Yeah.

Matthew Darrah (33:51.807)

Yeah, it is. It's an eye opening experience for sure. You know, but I think one that's just man, it's so it's it's so critical. You know, it's it's there's so many, you know, there's so many kids in in my part of the state. There's over 600 kids a year that come into the 26 counties. And that's that's a whole lot of kids and.

Deidra Avendasora (34:19.307)

Yeah.

Matthew Darrah (34:20.202)

And so we need, not just here in Amarillo, across the country, there are nowhere near enough beds for these babies as they're going through these difficult things. so, so.

Deidra Avendasora (34:31.54)

Yeah.

Deidra Avendasora (34:37.542)

Yeah. So that, you know, one

Deidra Avendasora (34:40.133)

of the things that I feel strongly about is professionalizing foster care, or being a foster parent, I should say. Because, you know, the reality is, is that so many of us, we, you know, both, you know, if we're in a, you know, if we have a significant other and that if we're too adult home, right?

Matthew Darrah (34:47.79)

Hmm.

Deidra Avendasora (35:07.296)

We got to work, you know, or if you're a single individual, you got to work. And so, you know, you're going to be doing your 40 hour plus job per week. And then, you know, as I had mentioned a little bit earlier was that, you know, there is this, um, you know, it's not just parenting the child. There's so many other things that go into this, right? It's the, um,

Matthew Darrah (35:08.419)

Yeah.

Matthew Darrah (35:30.99)

Mm.

Deidra Avendasora (35:35.634)

You know, it's the finding the time for the social worker to visit, for the lawyers to visit, for the court appointed special advocate to visit. It's, you know, driving kids to the visits with their parents. It's taking them to the doctor's office, the dentist office. It's, you know, the special education meetings with schools. It's, umm you know, having tutoring at home to help them catch up.

Deidra Avendasora (36:05.391)

it's taking them to see their therapist or all these many other things that kind of go into being a foster parent. And I think when there were more people who were staying at home, there was a lot, one parent was working and one was staying at home.

Matthew Darrah (36:16.405)

Right.

Deidra Avendasora (36:29.011)

I think that there was more opportunity, right? As you're raising your own children, be like, okay, I can add in another child. That seems much more reasonable. But, you know, right now in the state, in the United States, the state that has the highest percentage of having a parent stay at home is Mississippi. And you want to know what percentage of households has like a stay at home parent?

Deidra Avendasora (36:58.911)

6.5%. That's the top one in the United States. And Texas is number three, but they're at 3.5%. So, you know, 3.5%. So, you know, if you're asking somebody, you know, to do, like I said, it takes a lot, you know? You have to educate yourself, you know, how to parent differently. Because if you're parenting traumatized kids,

Matthew Darrah (37:01.175)

Wow.

Matthew Darrah (37:05.56)

Yeah.

Matthew Darrah (37:07.822)

Golly.

Matthew Darrah (37:16.877)

Yeah.

Deidra Avendasora (37:25.009)

You know, your regular parenting techniques are not going to cut it. You need to do, you need to step up. You know, you should step up and, you know, there's going to be a lot more involved. And if, you know, parents, foster parents were recognized as the professionals that they are and had an income, I think that you would see more people being willing to do this. I think.

Matthew Darrah (37:28.508)

True.

Matthew Darrah (37:45.198)

Mm.

Matthew Darrah (37:52.62)

Yeah,

Matthew Darrah (37:53.4)

because they say, know, those foster parents, do it for the money, you know, and it's like, now, wait a minute. mean, hold on a minute, because whatever the state is paying, I mean, it is not remotely covering the expenses that you're incurring, because it's not, quote unquote, the cost of what a normal kid

Deidra Avendasora (37:57.869)

No.

Deidra Avendasora (38:12.36)

No.

Matthew Darrah (38:21.454)

Because every time they scrape their knee, you got to fill out a form. Every time you got to give them a dose of Advil because they got a headache or a fever, it's a form. It's this, it's that, it's so many things. so you're not making money by fostering. so the state being willing to...

Matthew Darrah (38:51.086)

to provide a little bit more resources to the families. I golly that would be huge.

Deidra Avendasora (38:58.646)

Yeah. You know,

Deidra Avendasora (39:00.286)

I mean, this is the whole thing, right? You know, I mean, the lawyers that represent the children, they get paid. Does it mean that they're only doing it for the money? No. You know, the social workers, they get paid. Are they only doing it for the money? No. Nope, they are not. You know, teachers, they get paid. Are they only doing it for the money? I guarantee you not, because teachers don't get paid half enough as they should. But, you know, I mean,

Matthew Darrah (39:06.126)

Right.

Matthew Darrah (39:16.514)

Mm-mm.

Matthew Darrah (39:23.694)

Yeah.

Deidra Avendasora (39:26.182)

Just because you get, you know, I think the reality has changed. I think the system was originally set up when, you know, a much more traditional household was in play, right? Where, you know, the man, the husband was out working and the wife was staying at home raising children. And I think it was back in a time where, you know, more people were having more children, you know? I mean, now,

Deidra Avendasora (39:55.718)

You know, I mean, there's a lot of people out there who up not to have any children. And, you know, our housing is, you know, correspondingly smaller. You know, and so, yeah, it's just to say like, hey, you know what, I am here, I'm a professional and I, you know, if I was compensated for this.

Matthew Darrah (40:00.334)

Yeah.

Deidra Avendasora (40:22.141)

There's so much more that I could be able to do and give, you know? And kind of all of the professionals involved in the foster care system, I would argue that the foster parent is doing the most important job. They are the ones who are going to tuck that kid at night after they've had a nightmare, you know? They're the ones, you know, when they fall in the playground,

Matthew Darrah (40:22.2)

Yeah.

Matthew Darrah (40:26.274)

Right. Yeah.

Matthew Darrah (40:37.986)

Right?

Matthew Darrah (40:45.154)

Mm-mm.

Deidra Avendasora (40:51.889)

They're the ones who are going to take them to emergency room and make them feel safer. They're the ones who are going to love them and instruct them and do all the things for them. They're going to have the biggest influence on this child while they're in care. And yet, we don't want to provide any...

Matthew Darrah (40:55.662)

Mm.

Matthew Darrah (41:08.322)

Mm-hmm.

Deidra Avendasora (41:18.085)

any recognition in a monetary form for that. And oftentimes, quite frankly, even in the foster care system, foster parents aren't necessarily listened to. Yeah.

Matthew Darrah (41:21.015)

Yeah.

Matthew Darrah (41:29.494)

No.

Matthew Darrah (41:31.275)

Yeah, they're the one person in that courtroom who probably has the best idea with the kid needs and the one that has no voice. Well, so Deidre, thank you so much for coming on. If you are interested, wherever you're at, get online, do some research, find a...

Matthew Darrah (41:58.348)

There are foster agencies that kind of focus on different things, do different things and things like that. So find a foster agency, go to an informational meeting. Between half and two thirds of the foster parents, folks in the country that get foster licensed, between half and two thirds quit

Deidra Avendasora (42:24.268)

Chris.

Matthew Darrah (42:24.543)

within the first year because they don't.

Matthew Darrah (42:27.062)

feel supported by their community. So if you're not foster licensed and you want to help somebody that's foster licensed, then just get on Facebook, get on Instagram, get on somewhere and say, I want to help somebody who's out there that needs some help. I guarantee you'll be inundated with foster parents that are desperate for some help.

Deidra Avendasora (42:35.668)

Okay.

Matthew Darrah (42:53.74)

We provide placement packages for kiddos coming into foster care. So that placement package costs us about $430. And so we're there within 24 hours of that kiddo getting placed by that agency. And so we're bringing clothes and diapers and every kid gets a suitcase, a Bible, a teddy bear, a book, a toy, and a blanket. All kids get that. And then over and above that, they get whatever they...

Deidra Avendasora (43:00.832)

Okay. Okay.

Matthew Darrah (43:21.942)

family needs, like I said a little while ago, twin bed mattresses or clothes and shoes, socks, baby, I mean, we do a lot of formula, bottles. I talked to a foster mom a few weeks ago and this little girl showed up at their house at like eight o'clock at night and there was a can of formula in the diaper bag and it was empty.

Deidra Avendasora (43:30.204)

Baby formula.

Matthew Darrah (43:50.124)

You know, and it's eight o'clock at night. She's an hour from any Walmart, you know, where she can buy formula. And so what is this? What is she going to do? How she going to feed this baby that probably hasn't been fed in the past four or five hours with no formula? And so, you know, so we need folks to become placement package partners. So they, you know, they set up to give us a hundred dollars a month, which buys us all the clothes for a placement package or fifty dollars buys us.

Deidra Avendasora (43:56.987)

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

Matthew Darrah (44:19.154)

a case of diapers or $10 a month buys us an outfit each month, know, those kinds of things. We've got Trade Wars, which is our annual fundraiser, which is coming up here in a weeks. And they can come out and they can shoot at our Sporting Clay event or set up a Moses Closet drive, or maybe you want to set up a Moses Closet wherever you're at. know, there are a ton of ways to get involved. Just with us.

Deidra Avendasora (44:29.307)

Mm.

Matthew Darrah (44:46.454)

And with so many different agencies, whether it's the foster agencies, whether it's a church that's got a group that helps foster families or some other nonprofit, there are so many different ways to get involved. And so that is our big thing, is to get folks to be involved, to support the families that are doing the work of bringing these babies in.

Deidra Avendasora (44:47.451)

So, I'm going to it over you.

Matthew Darrah (45:14.062)

providing them

Matthew Darrah (45:14.622)

that safe and stable loving home. so, Janie with ETC Bookkeeping, we'll have a link to her in the show notes below and then the link to our website and things like that. But Deidre, thank you so much for coming on, just being real and sharing your experiences. I feel like if the community at large,

Matthew Darrah (45:38.386)

knew more about what foster and adoptive families go through on a daily basis, then hopefully number one, there would be more foster and adoptive families out there. And number two, those that say, well, I can't do that, I can do this, whatever this is, whether it's bringing somebody a meal or bringing them some clothes or some formula or whatever it is.

Deidra Avendasora (45:46.874)

Okay. Thank you.

Matthew Darrah (46:03.924)

And so,

Matthew Darrah (46:04.694)

Deidre, thank you so much for coming on and sharing. And thank you, Janie, for your episode sponsorship. And guys, have a great day. Thanks, Deidre, so much for coming on.

Deidra Avendasora (46:20.121)

Thanks for having me, Matt.

Matthew Darrah (46:21.556)

Absolutely.