Now I Am Known: How One Man Turned Pain into Purpose with Peter Mutabazi

Matthew Darrah (00:01)

Hello and welcome to All Things Foster, a place for coffee, connection, and community. Guys, I am super, super excited today. We're gonna have Peter Mutabazi on. He is the Foster Dad Flipper. If you follow things on social media, we'll get to him in just a second. But before we do, our episode sponsor today is Andcore Services. At Andcore Services, we offer vital administrative support to business owners, which affords them peace of mind,

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Peter (01:16)

I am doing well Matthew, I'm doing well. Thank you for having me the opportunity to come and chat with you.

Matthew Darrah (01:21)

Absolutely. I'm super excited to have you on. ⁓ Guys, if you don't know, Peter's got like a huge social following. He's a very big advocate. He fosters and has adopted himself and ⁓ really, I think, works hard to raise awareness for the needs of kiddos in foster care. So thank you so much for coming on today. ⁓ I wanted to go kind of way back.

to maybe the beginning, right? You were in Uganda, right? That's where you're from. so talk to us about that early childhood experience. What was that like?

Peter (02:07)

Right, absolutely. You know, I grew up in Uganda, grew up poor, poor of the poorest. You grew up in a place where no one told me to dream. Grew up in a place where, you know, you didn't give hope to the kids ⁓ because as a parent you weren't able to provide a meal for them for a day. So how do you tell a kid, hey, you can have a future, but for the next two weeks there's no meal for you. You know, grew up in a place where I had to go fetch water three to four miles away every day, you know. And, you know, never had a pair of shoes until I was 16 years old.

never slept on a mattress since I was 16 years old. So grew up in a place where life was just miserable. It's hard when all you see is poverty.

And that's all you know, you know? And then at the age of four, I began to realize that I'm already a poor, but my dad was also abusive as well. you know, on one side you had poverty, but on the other end you had a mean dad. So for me, there wasn't one place that I felt like I can dream, you know? So then I ran away, I became a street kid from the age of 10 until 15 years old. And that was my life. I slept on the sewer. Why the sewer? Because it smells so bad that no other human beings can go.

as street kids, it was a safe place to go. And that became my life ⁓ from age of zero ⁓ to almost 16 years old.

Matthew Darrah (03:26)

Goodness,

slept in the sewer.

Peter (03:30)

Yep, so this is where, because nobody could go. But also, it was close to the trash, so most people didn't give us food, so they would throw it away in the trash. So we wanted to live nearby the trash so you can go get it before the dogs got that food. yes. ⁓

Matthew Darrah (03:31)

What?

Goodness.

how did you get from Uganda to the States?

Peter (03:50)

So one day as a street kid, I was trying to steal from a stranger, know, this stranger, instead of, you know, throwing me, kicking me, but rather he saw the best in me and said, hey, I want to get to know you. So he fed me for one and a half. And one day he said, hey, if you had an opportunity to go to school, would you go to school? I said, no. But he said, hey, if you go to school, there'll be lunch, dinner and breakfast. I was like, if there's food, I'll go, I'll go. You know, and that's how I went to school, not to be a teacher, not to be anything, but because he mentioned food.

Matthew Darrah (04:11)

Yeah, sure.

Peter (04:20)

which I needed the most and that's why I went to school. I went to school, I went to high school, I went to university in Uganda, went to university in England and that's how I came to the United States with the kindness of a stranger who saw the best in me when I didn't even know there was anything good about me.

Matthew Darrah (04:36)

Wow.

Was that like a missionary something or was it just a person or who was this stranger?

Peter (04:47)

This stranger was a guy, know, he was a Ugandan who cared for the least of these, you know, that's how I got to know him. ⁓ But yeah, someone who had a passion to help the most vulnerable.

Matthew Darrah (04:53)

Wow.

Yeah, that's crazy. So then you get to the states. What did you do once you got here? You went to school. You went to high school. You went to college. What did you go to school for?

Peter (05:12)

So I went to university here in the United States in California to study theology. So that's how I came to U.S. But when I got here, I think I really, really struggled with seeing how much was wasted. I think when most of your life you grow stealing food because there was no food. And then to live in a country where food is thrown away, that was really a challenge for me. Like, how do you...

Matthew Darrah (05:33)

Mm.

Peter (05:36)

How do you throw away that food when someone else is dying somewhere else? ⁓ And that was the guilt. What is it called? The survival guilt?

Matthew Darrah (05:44)

Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

Peter (05:45)

You know,

that there is so much food, but yet there's a kid in the neighborhood that has nowhere to go. I could also find out to see wealth. You know, I lived in Los Angeles where you got to see so much wealth, but also knowing there were kids in the foster care. Like, how do you live so wealthy, you know, but yet not know what's happening the next door, you know? And I think as an African, we live in a communal world, so we always know what's going on. You know, and everyone is poor around you, so we always know we lack food.

So for me seeing so much but at the same time seeing little help for the least of these is what I was struggling with as well.

Matthew Darrah (06:24)

Wow, goodness. So, you finished school, and then what? do you go from going to school for theology to becoming a foster parent? What does that journey look

Peter (06:39)

Alright, so when I finished school then I started working for Compassion International, they advocate for kids in third world countries so I worked for them for 11 years and that gave me an opportunity to travel, to see people who were adapting in other countries because I traveled with most Americans.

And that's when I realized, like, wait a minute, you know, I asked, you know, in Uganda and Ethiopia, said, you know, is there a way if I wanted to adopt, can I adopt? They're like, no, you have to be an American and you have to be married or single female. For male? No. So I was like, okay, that's not for me. But then I couldn't let that go. You know, I think too much is given to me. It's required that convicted me that I had extra. I had so much. I had an extra bedroom that I could not just, you know, live a life where the focus was just about me.

And I walked into the foster care system. So I said, hey, is there a way you could allow me to mentor teenagers? They're like, hey, but have you ever thought of being a foster dad? And I said, yes, but I'm not qualified. She said, why? said, I'm single. She's like, ⁓ come on, you can be a foster dad. Literally that day I signed up to be a foster dad. For me to live to whom I should give as much as I knew I'd been given so much in some way. I didn't want to be a pass by who listens and not do something. I'm going to do what I can.

Matthew Darrah (07:53)

Mm.

Peter (07:55)

And that's really how I got into foster care.

Matthew Darrah (07:58)

Yeah,

wow. And so what was that? What was that? So there wasn't this long, was there a long drawn out thing or was this kind of a see that empty bedroom, I'm going to fill it. How do I go about filling it?

Peter (08:13)

Correct, yes, now that I had an extra bedroom, you know, remember, I come from a country or a village where the biggest house is as big as your car garage. So for me, the idea that I can have an empty bedroom and there's a kid who needs a home, like, how can I not do something, you know? So for me, once I got those resources, that's when I began to say, you know what, an extra bedroom, I'm sure there's a way I can help someone. And that was my draw to wanting to be a foster parent.

Matthew Darrah (08:40)

So what was the licensing process for you? I mean, how was it? Was it a...

Peter (08:43)

Ooh, that, I think my first

day was shocking because there were all these couples and I show up, they're like, hey, so when is your wife coming? I'm like, ⁓

Matthew Darrah (08:51)

you

Peter (08:53)

It's

just me and they're like, are you sure you're in the right place? I'm like, yep, you know. So from the get-go, there were doubts like this single man wanting to be a foster parent, like is that possible? You know? So from the get-go, I kind of knew there would be scrutiny, but it also takes about, you know, three to four to five months before you become a foster parent. So there's time to prepare. So for me, that took me a while to really learn the ins and outs. I knew what I was signing up for.

Matthew Darrah (09:16)

Yeah.

Did you think you, once that first placement comes, did you think you were well prepared? You're like, I don't really know what the heck I'm doing.

Peter (09:28)

No. No.

know, so in folks get once you register, once you get your license, it's, you know, I thought they would say, hey, in the next week or three months, we'll call you. They're like, hey, you got your license, make sure you have your phone nearby because we might be calling you in an hour. I'm like, wait, I just got it. You know, sure enough, the same day I got a phone call saying, hey, there's a kid who needs a home. I was like, wait, now today? They're like, yes.

Matthew Darrah (09:46)

Yeah.

No way.

Yeah, yeah.

Peter (09:55)

So the kid comes in and I was, I'd never been a parent, know, I'd never been married, never had kids. So in my head I panicked, I was like, oh no. So the kid comes in and he goes to bed because it was late. When he went to bed, I got my biggest couch and I put it in front of his door because I thought he would walk out and run away, you know, so.

Matthew Darrah (10:14)

Mm-hmm.

Peter (10:15)

And the morning he just said, hey, dad, I, you do we have breakfast? I was like, that's all? I didn't sleep because I was so worried. That's all you need. And I realized that maybe I was over, you know, just over assuming. And I realized that all the kid needed was, hey, where's breakfast? And that helped me to calm down.

Matthew Darrah (10:22)

Yeah.

Where's breakfast?

That's cool. That's cool. the, so, so was there, was there, what was the, what was the journey like? I was you, I know you've, cause you fostered a bunch of kiddos, right?

Peter (10:51)

Great, yeah, I've fostered 47 children right now and I have six in my home, so that's three and I'm fostering other three kids. So yes, I've had lots of kids in and out of my home.

Matthew Darrah (10:54)

Yeah.

Yeah, no kidding. And then, so then you decide you want to...

tell people, you want to get people aware, make them aware. You want to do this thing, get that word out there. What goes through your mind is this, how does this come to be where you decide, want to raise awareness for this need?

Peter (11:27)

Well, I realized that there were very few foster parents, but also too, I didn't become a foster parent right away because I had these misconceptions, these assumptions that were not true. I thought you have to be married to be a foster parent. So I realized, wait a minute, how many people behind me that don't know you can be a foster parent.

The other part is I was the only male, I think I signed up when I was in Oklahoma, I was like the only male, so I realized like, wait a minute, what if I can gen with people and I show them truly what it looks like to be a foster dad, you know? Like change the narrative of what foster care is and change the narrative of what family was. So for me, that is why I began to say, you know what, I'm gonna really gen with people on my everyday life. I thought I would just, know, no one will pay attention, you know? And then I began to see, you know, news networks come

Matthew Darrah (11:57)

Yeah.

Peter (12:15)

to me and say, hey, could you share your story with us? And that's how I gained so many following because, you know, BBC would write a story and then the next week will be CNN and then the next week will be US Today. So there was so much buzz because I think it was unusual to see a male, you know, and in some ways sharing, like not shy about like, okay, this guy is a for-spent and he's really sharing the good and the bad and the things that he endures every time that really got the media kind of really wanting.

Matthew Darrah (12:42)

Mm.

Peter (12:45)

to write this story.

Matthew Darrah (12:47)

Yeah, I

do know in the area that we serve, I know quite a few single foster moms. I don't know any single foster dads. I don't know that I could do this single. mean, goodness gracious. It's a hard journey to do it alone. I don't know. That would be so crazy.

Peter (13:10)

Right, but I don't know, you you learn the routines. And I think for me it's a little easier for me because I'm dealing with trauma that I had to deal with as a kid. So I'm not dealing with a foreign thing. It's like most things, when my kids are doing things, I'm like, yep, I remember I was there, I did that, you know. What scares most people? To me, I'm like, no, that doesn't scare me. And in that way it has helped me truly be a parent.

Matthew Darrah (13:19)

Exactly.

Right.

Yeah.

You know, I was in the foster system and my wife was not. was in a ⁓ very trauma-filled home, but she wasn't in the foster system. She didn't grow up with that. And so I think in some respects, I was more prepared because of my background and my history than she was. And so, I mean, I can definitely see the ability of someone in your

position to be much more willing and ready and open to connect with some kiddos that are going through it. I mean, especially when you're taking, you pretty much just take teenagers, is that right? Or do you take a lot of teenagers?

Peter (14:24)

Well, I take all, I mean, my youngest right now is three, so my youngest is three, my oldest is 21. So I have all, I think before I was like, my goal was I need a child who can dress themselves, who can talk and go to school. That was my whole, you but in foster care, you can give your own box, but.

Matthew Darrah (14:25)

Okay.

But when they call and they need somewhere for this kiddo to go...

Peter (14:50)

Yes, and in my profile I said, I'll never, never, never call me for a toddler, please, like I am not equipped. And sure enough, I get a phone call, hey Peter, there's a toddler, I was like, ah, that doesn't fall into my boundaries.

Matthew Darrah (15:05)

Yeah.

Peter (15:08)

And the struct said here, by the way, she's a sibling of the ones you already have. I was like, ⁓ no.

Matthew Darrah (15:14)

Yeah. God had other plans.

Peter (15:17)

I said yes,

I saw her I said yes. Now she's four years old and I'm like, man, I could have missed so much because I put boundaries. Again, in foster care one thing you have to learn is you go in kind of open, you know, open mind and say, hey, there things I cannot do, but also you don't know what you're capable of doing until you actually do it.

Matthew Darrah (15:38)

That is for sure, for sure, definitely. So what are some of the highlights, some of the best things you think ⁓ being a foster parent?

Peter (15:49)

Well, in foster care think we have a tendency for us as adults, attitude of saying, I'm going to help these kids. Yes, we are. But I think it's a two way thing as well. Like my kids have helped me be a better man, understand empathy and, you know, in a way that I had no idea. You know, people say ⁓ love unconditionally until you have to learn to do so. It is just a mystical out there. You know, but they've taught me how to see the best in others. They've taught me how to really view parents, you know, on that.

Matthew Darrah (15:58)

Yeah.

Peter (16:19)

not to see parents as villains, but to see them as human beings who are struggling. And in some way, they've truly made me a better human being. know, on the other side too, you know that we have extra bedroom that I get to be there for these kids, not just their kids, but their families as well. You know, amazing how ⁓ when you're willing to say, I'm willing to help one child along the way, how many people actually you get to help ⁓ is amazing. So for me, know, first year is a journey that

Yes, it's difficult. Yes, I can tell you. But to know that you're giving safety, to know you're giving love, to know you're changing the narrative of a child who in most cases wouldn't have been in the wrong place ⁓ is amazing, I would say.

Matthew Darrah (17:04)

Yeah. Yeah.

So one of the toughest things about being a foster parent.

Peter (17:14)

What is the toughest thing? ⁓ for me, I think I'm a single dad. So that is hard. Like, you know, I have kids who are, you know, four and nine, 10, 10, 10, 10. You know, if I go to the store, I have to take all of them. Like, I can't just leave them. So you're always with a school of children. It doesn't matter where you were. You're just, here we go, you know? I think that's the hard part ⁓ for me as a single parent. The other part, yes, the other part is...

Matthew Darrah (17:15)

Yeah.

Mm-hmm.

Nobody there to

help out and babysit while you're off doing the thing.

Peter (17:47)

Right, or something is going on, someone to bounce your thoughts, you're like, am I crazy or this kid's crazy? Like you have to talk about yourself and come up with a solution like, okay, maybe I'm not crazy, you know? As a single parent. The other part is, I think for me is,

Matthew Darrah (17:53)

Hehehe.

Peter (18:04)

watching your kids go through difficult trauma and you know with all the power you have that you cannot take that away from a child. I think for me that sometimes the hardest part to know that man I wish I could take it all but this kid I can't take the pain away you know but all the best I can do is create a space and a place that makes it comfortable for this child but when it comes to how they deal with trauma that I am powerless you know that is the hard part.

Matthew Darrah (18:12)

Yeah.

Peter (18:34)

is as a foster parent, you know, I get to have a child 99.999 of the time, you know, but yet when it comes to the decisions, at least for me who lives in North Carolina, when it comes to the decision of the court system, I get to be told I have no say, you know, and that's the hard part that you get to be, you get to be all of it, but when it comes to making decisions, like, no, you can't be involved, you know, and that is the hard part of being a foster parent.

Matthew Darrah (18:52)

Sure.

Yeah.

So when someone says, ⁓ I could never do that because I could never let them go, what do you say to that?

Peter (19:12)

Well for me, foster care means I am a temporary parent. Like I signed up to be a temporary parent to provide space and loving home and safe for my children so they can go back home. I didn't sign up so I can have them. My whole goal from the beginning is provide space as you give mom and dad an opportunity to heal and overcome what they're going through. Yes.

Matthew Darrah (19:29)

Reunification.

Peter (19:36)

Being attached, I think most people say, I'm going to get attached and I can't let them go. But actually that is the one thing that makes you a special force when you get attached because these kids have never had that someone who's attached to them or will truly do everything they can because they love them. So by you having actually those motions, it really helps our kids heal because they get to see what true attachment is. But also on the other part is, yes, there's a mom on the other side, to really give them grace and empathy to know that they can work

Matthew Darrah (19:58)

Yeah.

Peter (20:06)

so hard to have their kids back, that yes though it's painful but it's the right thing to do, you know? That is the right thing to do. And I think for me as a believer is God ordained that mom to be the mother, not me, you know? So in some way to truly say, while you could not do what you do, I'm gonna step up. But when it comes to your call and you do what is required and the state says you can have your child, I should say absolutely I'm coming alongside to make sure that you get your kids. ⁓

Matthew Darrah (20:34)

Yeah,

you want to provide that safe and stable living home while they need it. And in an ideal world, they would get the help that they need, get back on their feet, and then ultimately go on and do well, obviously. Sometimes that happens and sometimes it doesn't. the thought process that, to me, when people say, well,

I could never do that. get too attached. I'm like, you should get attached. Like you said, that's the sign of the right person. And if they go back, you want it to be a positive and good thing.

Peter (21:19)

Yeah, attachment is the way we get to advocate. If I wasn't attached, I wouldn't advocate for them. I wouldn't see the empathy of what they're going through, but that attachment really helps me. Yeah, I sometimes tell people like, hey, I'm not a robot, I promise you. I'm not a robot. I get attached, but at the same time, I signed up to be a temporary parent.

Matthew Darrah (21:33)

Yeah.

Yeah. So, other than being a foster parent, what else are you what else are you doing?

Peter (21:52)

So I love advocating for children. know, I'm actually, as I'm speaking with you, I'm in Tampa, Florida, and I'm here to speak at All-Star Foundation for Children. And that's what I love to do, be given an opportunity to share at Gallas Raising Funds, or the awareness, or teaching, whatever is required that I can be a voice for the voiceless, that I can be that person that really comes alongside and share the challenges of being a foster parent but also to the joys of when we do what we do.

on how it helps. And also inspire others. I know we're not all called to be foster parents, but what can each one of us do to impact the lives of others? I'm African. I'm African, I believe in takes a village. It does not only apply in Africa, it also applies in the United States. I'm a foster parent because I have people who come alongside and help me. That in some way, it takes a village. And what can you do? No matter how small, what can you do in that village to make sure that

Matthew Darrah (22:31)

Mmm.

Yeah, right.

Peter (22:52)

kids are taken care of.

Matthew Darrah (22:53)

That is one thing that, I mean, I think that so many other cultures could teach those of us born and raised in the States, you know, when we're in our silos and we don't know the people next door and they don't know us and, you know, and we're just kind of, we kind of go about life in our own little thing. And, ⁓ you know, that's a big part of what we do is, you know, sure, not everybody's gonna foster. I get that, but...

We could do something, bring an outfit, bring, you know, how about taking somebody a meal, you know?

Peter (23:25)

Oh

yeah, or mowing There are single moms mow. You're there yet. Mowing If your good at it. Bring me cookies

Matthew Darrah (23:32)

Yeah,

yeah. There's always, and I think we never need to stop hearing that we need to be doing something. And I tell people when I go and speak, maybe it's foster care, maybe it's providing respite or doing this or doing that. If it's not, it's something else. We're supposed to be doing something. We're not supposed to just

get up, go to work, come home, watch TV, rinse and repeat. As believers, we're called to serve. mean, the least of these, that's what we're called to do.

So take us through a normal day. What does a normal day look like for you?

Peter (24:19)

No more day. So for us, we live on routine. My kids, especially kids in fourth grade who didn't have routine, the routine really helps. One, they know what's coming. Two, they are prepared in some way. So for us, we get up so early in the morning. I get up around six to make bricks for my kids and get them out of bed and then get them ready for school. They all go to school at different times. So those in daycare go a little later, those in elementary school go a little late.

my route. Who do I drop first? Who do I? And then I come back and then I get to do my chores. I'm also a full-time employee so I get to know, I need to go to costco or before they arrive or else I will not go. I have to plan ahead of time what meals we're having, if they're going swimming, what time do we have to go swimming and that really helps me to stay regiment because I have a process in how I get to do that every day. I'm single, some people say, are you open to dating

someone I'm like well if they are open to going on a date at 930 you know I can do that. At 9:30 in the morning you know I can do that but anything before then I'm sorry I'm not available. Yes.

Matthew Darrah (25:25)

Hehehehehe ⁓

Yeah, I'm stuck. I'm busy.

So you, you, it's Foster Dad Flipper. You, you flip houses too? that?

Peter (25:42)

Correct. So I used to work for Compassion National, so I used to travel all over the world. So I left so I can be a full-time dad, and I needed to have a job where I'm my own boss. So flipping houses was the best way I can do it, you know? So in other words, know, kids need to go for therapy, kids need to go for visitation, kids, you know, they're sent from school, you've got to pick them up. But I needed an opportunity where I can do that freely. So that's how I got to flip houses. Yeah.

Matthew Darrah (26:07)

Yeah.

That's cool. That is cool. Okay, so I know you have a foundation, is that right? And what is the foundation?

Peter (26:19)

Correct.

So, know, I love teenagers. There's so much we can do. Everyone wants a little baby, but our kids need, especially teenagers, they need us as much as the two-year-old needs us, for sure. And for them, they have the shortest time possible. So for me, with my teenagers, they really taught me. They came to me and I told them, hey, you can pick up what beddings you want. They're like, really? Is that possible? And I realized that most of our kids in foster care have moved more than 14 times before they're 18.

Matthew Darrah (26:33)

Yeah.

Right. Yeah,

Peter (26:52)

And they never,

Matthew Darrah (26:52)

say that again.

Peter (26:54)

sometimes by the time they're 18, they are more than 14 times, you know?

Matthew Darrah (26:57)

14 times.

Just hear that. 14 times.

Peter (26:59)

⁓ And so for

me, I wanted to give them an opportunity to choose what they want. So our foundation, what do do? We do room makeovers for kids. ⁓ They get to choose what they want and we get to furnish their bedroom as they want it, for the very first time to really do that. So we do that for kids who are going to college. We do that for kids who are going to kinship. We do that for kids who just got adopted as well. So we try to really help everyone along the way to show that. But also it's another way of showing everyone wants to watch

Matthew Darrah (27:08)

of

I love that.

Peter (27:29)

TV. I thought you can watch a room makeover being transformed, but you can also hear the story of the child along the way. I get to use that as a way to really share the stories of our kids. ⁓

Matthew Darrah (27:44)

And so is that just around where you're at or where do you do that?

Peter (27:49)

I can do it anywhere, so long as there's an agency that can help me, know, find the kids that need it. And we find designer to design their rooms. Yeah, we get to do that. So it doesn't matter where. This week I get to do it in Los Angeles. I think, yeah, this week I get to do it. Two, two sisters in Los Angeles. ⁓ That's where I'm heading to, and I'm really excited. This year I've done 12.

Matthew Darrah (27:53)

Yeah.

That's cool.

Do you know how many you've done this year?

12. Wow. Yeah. Hey, that's the nonprofit life,

Peter (28:15)

I wish I could do more, know, they cost a lot of money. Exactly, so if you're there

and you're like, I want to provide you two rooms, I would be happy.

Matthew Darrah (28:27)

Yeah, that's so cool. That's cool. And then you also have a couple of books, right? So tell us about the first book. I know the new one just recently came out. Tell us about the first one first.

Peter (28:41)

Yeah, the first book, you so as a foster parent, I would hear people say, mean, you are like, just, people think I have superpowers, like, you know, I'm a unicorn, you know? And I'm like, ⁓ not really, I'm just a regular guy. So I wrote my story to show that, I'm a foster parent, but here's the reason why, because I was one of them. I grew up poor, I was abused in a every shape form, but.

Matthew Darrah (28:49)

Hahaha!

Mm.

Peter (29:04)

What do you think as my unicorn is my superpower of my childhood? You know that I get to use it to do good for others because I know and I understand that so that was my bio the next one is as a first friend You know most books are read were written by professionals and sometimes I didn't understand what they're saying You know and I thought let me write from a

First, the parent point of view, the traumas my kids have gone through to be able to articulate and share for those who are not yet foster parents. So I divided my book into three. One is for those who are not foster parents yet. It's easy to sit on the other side and say, I want to be a foster parent, but it's good to really think through, did I have trauma? What are things that I need to really rethink about before I become a foster parent? And then number two is those who are in thick of it. And then at the end, there is hope.

consistent

when we don't focus on the behaviors but we focus on the why that we get to be the best friends we can be. But for me because I lived it every day I wanted to really share the lessons I've learned so that's what the book is all about. The lessons I've learned as a foster parent. The wish I knew, the ones I get to use now but also the hope for those who are struggling are in the midst of this.

Matthew Darrah (30:17)

⁓

And they're called

Peter (30:21)

Love does not conquer all. That's ⁓ the new book and my previous book is Now I'm How Someone Made Me Known. ⁓

Matthew Darrah (30:25)

Mm-hmm.

someone made

me know. I like that. And so where do they find them? I mean, is it? Yeah.

Peter (30:33)

They can find them any bookstore, any

bookstore, Amazon or my store, whatever you can find. Now I'm known as my bio and love does not conquer all. It's the lessons of life. And anyway, you can book them, you can order them, whatever you buy books. Audio books, yeah, all of them. They are right there.

Matthew Darrah (30:47)

Got it. Do you have audio books? ⁓ sweet.

Got it all. Okay, sweet. So, high level, what would you say you've learned the most about trauma? Like, what is that?

Just give us what you can about trauma, how it happens, what do you do? mean, we're face to face with it day in and day out, right? So what have you learned about trauma and how to maybe overcome?

the effects of trauma.

Peter (31:32)

Well, trauma, first of all, it's... So trauma is like, you know, I'm driving a car and the next person is driving is on a motorcycle, you know, or on a bike. For me, on the car, the speed I'm running, I'm driving, and the guy on the...

Bicycle, we are like on a totally different, you know, speed, how we think, how we talk, the dangers we, like we are on a different level of how we are both moving, but one has a whole different way on how they function, and the other one has so little. And that for me is how I get to view ⁓ trauma.

to help the guy who's driving to understand why the guy on the bicycle is slow and has to pedal to get anywhere. And then help the guy on pedal on the bicycle to know like, you have an opportunity to actually get to the car as well. So it's like both ways, like it's...

Matthew Darrah (32:20)

Mm-mm.

Peter (32:32)

It's like, you know, if you read my books, it's like I explained as though I was like, I'm an alien and you live on earth. And we're trying to parent together. We don't, we don't speak the same language. We see the world in a whole different way, you know? And that's foster care. For me to hug anyone means absolutely nothing. To some of my kids, hugging them means a hundred things.

Matthew Darrah (32:39)

Whole different way

yeah.

Peter (32:57)

You know, so you

can see how like we are both kind of moving the same side, but those two things mean different, you know, different things. So in some way, trauma is an...

Matthew Darrah (33:03)

Yeah.

Peter (33:08)

really understanding how the kid on the bicycle views his world from a bicycle point of view, you know? And for me who's in the car, how I'm so off from this kid. And for me to be able to say, I gotta slow down, I'm gonna get out of the car, and I'm gonna meet that child at a bicycle level. They are the bicycle, and really generally them, and help them to get to the level where they can understand. by the way, you can get in the car, you know?

Matthew Darrah (33:27)

Mm.

Hmm.

Peter (33:36)

You can drive on that side, but before I'm waiting to slow down, get out, meet them where they're at, then I am not of help in some way, you know? And also trauma is, trauma says green, we all know green is like safety, you know?

To me, who's a normal human being, green means safety. To my kid, what is green might mean danger. know, like, well, for me, red means danger, you know? So it's almost like ⁓ parenting someone who sees...

Matthew Darrah (34:04)

Yeah.

Peter (34:13)

What is abnormal for me, it's normal for them. What is abnormal for them, it is normal for me. Does make sense? So it's like you have to flip that coin the other way. And that's what trauma is, know, like literally. ⁓ They see things in a different way and we wanna help them see things in the normal way that we both see it.

Matthew Darrah (34:21)

Mm-hmm.

Mm.

Yeah.

normal way. Yeah.

That's a really, I like your bicycle ⁓ car metaphor. I've never, I've never heard of it put quite like that before. And that's really, I mean, it's, really, you know, we want, we want our kids to be able to move forward and look beyond their trauma. But you do have to see them where they're, you have to see them and you have to see where they're at.

in order to help them navigate to get to a place where they can move past it.

Peter (35:10)

Right, or they are pedaling, are like, you know, someone told me I will never mount anything, that's what they are pedaling on. I will never mount anything, I will never mount, and you're here saying, hey, you know you can go to school, you know you can go to college, but they are pedaling, like you're speaking Japanese, they are like, I don't know what you're talking about.

Matthew Darrah (35:25)

Yeah.

Peter (35:29)

That was me. For me as a street kid, going to school was like, why would I go to school? I have never taken a shower. I am dirty. Nobody wants me. I was told I would never amount to anything. And I look like it. School? Why would I go to school? It wasn't that I can't, but it was more like, there's nothing around me that tells me, smells so, that I could even think I can go to school. Like, damn.

Matthew Darrah (35:40)

Hmm.

Mm.

Mm.

Peter (35:54)

And I think that's the challenge of parenting kids with trauma, that sometimes we're disconnected. We think we're helping them, but we're just kind of putting in the wrong place, I would say.

Matthew Darrah (36:03)

Yeah.

Awesome. So if someone talked to somebody who's thinking, you know, maybe I ought to do that foster care thing. What would you what do you say to them? I mean, you have to have that conversation just about every day. What do you what do you what do tell people if they're thinking, you know, maybe I should do that? What do you say?

Peter (36:24)

Well, sometimes I want to know that why, why, why do you want to be? Because I forget that some people want to want to, they want to be foster parent, but the whole goal is they want to adopt the children. Though they don't say love, they're like, but I want to adopt the children. And most of them are saying foster care isn't an adoption agency. You know, like if that's where you're going, you need to change maybe what you're looking for. You know, like you want to put them in a place where they, they really understand. But the other part too, to also let them know like it's a calling, like

Matthew Darrah (36:35)

Hmm.

Peter (36:54)

It's just, know, it's not easy, it's hard, but it's worth it. But it's worth every penny, every way you walk, you know? And also to really help them there. I think that's why I wrote the book, Love Does Not Conquer all, on the other side, like, I just want to love on them.

Matthew Darrah (36:58)

Yeah.

Peter (37:10)

you know, absolutely. But sometimes I get to hear some of my kids, I hear more of how I'm a bad dad than when I'm a good dad. Like, oh, you're not my dad, so don't tell me what to do. More than I hear, hey, dad, you know, doesn't make sense. Like, you're going to the opposite. So if you're willing to navigate that and come along to the child, despite of those, I think then you're a foster parent. And I also try to really help them that their fears actually is their stronghold. Like if you're

Matthew Darrah (37:17)

Yeah. ⁓

Mm-hmm.

Peter (37:40)

afraid of being attached, if you're afraid that kids will go, actually that is kind of a power to you. That that is gonna help you be the best parents you can because you're gonna advocate for the child because you love them. And that usually what I get to share with people that your fears are actually your power and your ⁓ goals and dreams are actually what will set you to fail. For example,

If you begin projecting an expectation, like the more you put expectation to your children, the more you're fail because that is your expectation. That's not the true expectation. that's projecting your expectation to a child. And most of the time, we get to feel we are failing, but it's us who set ourselves to fail, if I may say that.

Matthew Darrah (38:32)

Mm, yeah.

Share with us, if you don't mind, a story that just jumps out in your mind as something that was just really amazing. Maybe some response that you saw. What's a really strong, good, powerful story of redemption that you've seen?

Peter (39:02)

redemption you know you know I think for one of my 19 year old my 21 is when he turned 18 he's like I'm going back to look for my mom and I told him yes absolutely and sometimes our kids they create this ⁓ fantasy of mom loves me they are doing well I'm going to find them and they're gonna fall in love with me again and they're gonna have me you know

Matthew Darrah (39:27)

Mm.

Peter (39:29)

And for me, I've learned to really help my kids get there themselves, rather than me say, it's not gonna be good, but try to say, how do I help transition to go see mom and dad? And so he did go and I said, by the way, your bed won't be touched, we'll be here. I said, you can call us, we'll come and get you. And he was there for 10 days and he's like, can you come and get me? And I drove all the way, wherever he was, and I got him back.

And then the next week he says, I'm going to look for my dad. So I said, okay, here's the flight to go see your dad. 15 days later, he calls, he's like, hey, can you come and get me? And I went and got him, you know? And for him, for the first time he said, you know, I didn't know what a good dad was until now, you know?

Matthew Darrah (40:12)

Mm.

Peter (40:13)

And for me to know that I had to general with him, no matter knowing what was on the other end, I had to really general with him and let him go that far. And he's back with us, for sure. But two, knowing that I loved my parents, but that the expectation that I had from them was unrealistic.

Matthew Darrah (40:32)

Hmm

Peter (40:33)

that now I really have to do what I do for myself and learn how to survive in the world. And for me, that's redemption, to know that the fairy tales that you have in your head to finally meet the reality and say, you know what, that was just a fairy tale. But I'm coming back to reality and learn how to move forward from now. To me, that was redemption, that he still has good relationship with the parents. But he got to really say, I'm gonna decide where I'm gonna go. I'm gonna decide to say, you know what, not now.

Matthew Darrah (40:49)

Yeah.

Mm.

Peter (41:04)

I don't feel it's healthy for me to be here.

Matthew Darrah (41:07)

Wow.

That's definitely, mean, when you said, you know, when you said that he said, now I know what a good dad is. Man, that's just, how long have you had him? How long has he been with you? Four years, okay.

Peter (41:26)

four years.

Boy,

I mean, those are, you you walk hard, but then you're like, ⁓ okay, you know. And those are the redemption you get to see like, wow, I didn't see the effort I was putting in. And when you hear that, you're like, man, I'm glad I didn't give up on him. You know, I'm glad I stayed.

Matthew Darrah (41:43)

All right.

Yeah. Wow. So ⁓ what do you think ⁓ are kind of the highest, biggest needs of just foster care in general across the states? What do you see as the of the top priority, biggest need?

Peter (42:09)

Well, the biggest news is for me as a post-parent, most of the time I am willing to take the children, but I don't know where to get the resources sometimes. I wish there was a way to give me a...

Matthew Darrah (42:16)

Yeah.

Peter (42:20)

When your kid is facing this, this is where you go. When your child is dealing with the mental here's how, most things they're kind of left for you as a foster parent to handle yourself, fight for yourself. But also too, not every count takes the insurance that I have. So most time, yes I need the services from my neighborhood, but they don't take Medicaid. So I have to find for another way how to really be there for my kid. So I wish there were more resources for me given to me.

Matthew Darrah (42:23)

Right.

Yeah.

Peter (42:50)

ahead of time. Like hey, here resources that can really help you succeed and get there. Most of time we ask for them, but it's like you're asking, you know, heaven come down, you know. There's no one knows where, how, and that will really, help. Foster parent, you know.

Matthew Darrah (42:51)

Yeah.

Peter (43:06)

and as they take care of the kids. Sometimes we need even a simple therapist, but you have to wait for six months to be enrolled in. I wish those were a little easier for us to get into until it's too late. The other need is assessment. I wish our kids were assessed as soon as they came into foster care so we knew how to help them out. Sometimes they get to do that medical assessment when it's like, they've been in foster care for two years, you're like,

Matthew Darrah (43:13)

Yeah.

Yeah.

Thank you.

So you are a spokesperson for Aeroflow Urology. We're going to change gears on you. So what do they do? What is that? And how are you connected with them in that

Peter (43:59)

Well, for me, I where they go to. I go to learn about how they provide resources for kids, especially families. As a foster dad, I have to deal with about a million paperwork every day. anything that says paperwork, already it's a red flag, like, no, no.

that's what I get to do. But they make it easy for me to get resources that I need that I don't have to do all the hard work paperwork or the social work has to sign up this one like they really make it easy for me to do so. The other part is as a foster parent I don't get enough resource financially of what my kids need you know so to know that hey

Matthew Darrah (44:35)

You mean you don't do this for the money?

That's what everybody says. you just do that for the money.

Peter (44:39)

Sometimes, I know,

⁓ people say, you live in a nice house, wow, the foster care must be paying you well. You're like, ⁓ gosh.

Matthew Darrah (44:46)

You

Peter (44:49)

You want me pull up how much I was given? And for me, the Aeroflow really helps to provide those resources that I need, like diapers, or for us who have kids sometimes who have issues medically that need more help. They cost a lot of money. For me, just a box of pull-ups costs, I don't know, $55. You can imagine if you had to use that 10 a day or sometimes more than that, how many do I have to go through? So for me, they provide those resources.

Matthew Darrah (44:52)

perfect

Hmm.

Hmm?

Mm-hmm.

Peter (45:19)

for parents who really have fragile kids that can't really, and they drop it to you by your house that you don't have to really call anybody comes to you as you need it. The other party too, that they provide more than that. Like when you need resources and you're struggling with your insurance, they can really help you through and guide you on how to get the best you want. Either help you on how to talk to your physician or the pediatrician of your kids ⁓ to really help you navigate sometimes the challenges that we face.

So by having someone advocate for you or help you to hey before that's approved you can ask go through hoops and hoops But here's how we can help you to get that so you don't have to wait for six months ⁓ You know for me that really helps me as a foster parent to know that is Unbiased company over here that has nothing so much to do with what I deal every day But is waiting to advocate for me fight for me and also give me tools on how to be prepared to get what I need for my kids

Matthew Darrah (46:18)

So do they do diapers for any kiddo on Medicaid and things like that? Every kiddo.

Peter (46:26)

Not just diapers, but just think of those kids who are in ⁓ medical, you need to wear those diapers every day. ⁓ Anything that you need, those who wet bed every day, they need to be changed all the time. They supply all those. They supply all that you need at all times as you need them. You feel the paperwork? Yes, you feel the paperwork?

Matthew Darrah (46:48)

That's crazy. they cover the whole, as long as they're

on Medicaid. Wow. So what's the process like? mean, is it a long intake and take forever to get approved?

Peter (46:55)

So that matter,

⁓

no, absolutely no. I mean literally, you go online, fill in the paperwork that you need right there, submit it and boom, you get what you need.

Matthew Darrah (47:14)

Really? Wow. So where do they go?

Peter (47:18)

So, where's Jessica? ⁓ Yes, she's gone. Yes, but you know, they have a website and there's a link. So there's a link. They will give you the link. There's a link in there that will really help you to fit in all you need, you know, where you're located, ⁓ what Medicare you have, what kind of, what size you need and how often you need them, you know, and they will make that happen.

Matthew Darrah (47:21)

she's gone. We'll look.

I'll put a link.

Mm.

That's crazy. speak if.

Peter (47:43)

Yes.

Matthew Darrah (47:46)

Okay, that's what I was gonna ask. and I don't know if you can answer this question or not, but why do you think, especially as kiddos get older and things like that, then they really have issues with needing this? Kiddos in foster care tend to have a much higher need for, say, at seven, or overnight pull-ups and things like that when they're seven, eight, nine, 10 years old.

Peter (48:16)

Because of the trauma, again, our kids in trauma, developmentally, they develop on a slower pace than most kids. So I would say if you have a 10-year-old, they're actually almost at six years old. So when you have a seven-year-old, actually they are more three-year-olds. So they're always behind developmentally in a way, and emotionally as well. So that's why sometimes we need more of those...

Matthew Darrah (48:33)

Hmm.

Peter (48:43)

Simple things like diapers or pull ups or things you know kids who wet the bed or who need medical attention at all times than most kids would. Someone who's an off-sport player is like what a seven-year-old a ten-year-old still needs diapers? Yes you know remember because most of my kids haven't, didn't, develop really well and so they're still behind so that's why sometimes we need those resources or you know some of the kids they you know by two years old they are trained but for me

Matthew Darrah (48:59)

Yeah.

Good.

Yeah.

Peter (49:13)

I'm beginning at five, you know, I'm just starting at five.

Matthew Darrah (49:16)

Yeah, right. Yeah. The research that I've seen, you you talked at the beginning that by the time they're 18, they've had 14 different placements. the research that I've seen is that every one of those placements is a six month behavioral and developmental regression. So imagine being, yeah, you're 18, but you've had 14 placements. You're not.

Peter (49:20)

Yes.

Matthew Darrah (49:43)

Chronologically you're 18, but you are not their developmental

Peter (49:49)

exactly you're 14, you know, that emotionally, there was no time to really grow and develop in a way, you know, and that that's the challenge, you know, and that's why, you know, even in school, when I put a mic, because I say, yes, my kid is 10, absolutely 10, you know, but if we could

really go to the reality of his age, he's actually seven. So sometimes you're gonna see behaviors that you you're like you should have grown out of these but remember they are always catching up you know they are always catching up in a way. And even our kids who use diapers or because of fear it's a you know the fear of ⁓ I peed ⁓ I didn't wait a bit until I was maybe I don't know maybe maybe nine.

Matthew Darrah (50:14)

Yeah.

Mm-mm. Yeah.

Peter (50:31)

Because of fear. I was so afraid of my father that I had no place to go. I could not risk getting up to go to the bathroom. I knew I would get the beatings for that. I would not risk. And I lived in Africa too. So it's not like there's a bathroom in your room. No, you have to go outside. And outside there's a wild dog that might eat me. No! So it took me that long. But did I do it knowing? Absolutely. But at the same time, the fears that my brain could not tell me when not to.

And so are our kids as well. That's why for me, Eurofro is really so important and is really helping foster families navigate that and have the resources that they need. And these days too, those items are super expensive. When you need those 20 times, 40 times just in a week, yeah, you can see how much that costs. used to go to costco because that's where I would get them. But the box of I think is 57, I think.

Matthew Darrah (51:00)

Mm.

yeah.

Mm-hmm.

Peter (51:30)

go through just two in a month.

Matthew Darrah (51:34)

Yeah. Yeah. For one. For one, kiddo. So let's talk. What are three things outside of foster care that just bring you joy?

Peter (51:46)

Outside foster care? ⁓ dear. ⁓ out of foster care.

Matthew Darrah (51:47)

Yeah.

He's

like, I'm in it every day and nothing's outside

Peter (51:56)

I'm

like, that's all I know, what else? I don't know, just to see that there is hope, know? To see people moving and walking and there's hope sometimes, especially in the DNA age where things just seem a gloom.

Matthew Darrah (52:02)

Yeah.

Peter (52:11)

other times for me to see hope. Seeing people waiting to want to help, even if it's one out of a thousand, someone saying, you know, I want to step up. I want to do something. For me, that is joy. Or giving, like there are some people, not necessarily they're giving towards foster care, but they really want to help somewhere. They're aware. They have empathy for those who are really not doing well and willing to say, how do I help others? And for me, that truly brings joy as well. School. I love school very much. You know what? Because it allows me to

have my me time. That's outside, foster care if you want to say. If the mic is at school, yeah, so I get to really do other things ⁓ as well.

Matthew Darrah (52:42)

Yeah, right. ⁓

Get to breathe.

We had some ⁓ churches that would do date nights for us. And I did an interview one time. So the licensing agencies said, well, we know that building is safe because there's kids there every week. And we know the churches run their background. So we could just have a sign up and the foster parents drop the kids off. And so had a couple of folks who was going to speak at this church that did these date nights. And so I had them shoot a

just a video on their phone and say, what do these date nights mean to you? And one of the couples that I had, they were like, the first time y'all did one of these date nights and we got to drop the kids off, we dropped the kids off, we drove to the Walmart parking lot, we took a nap. Yeah, just take a nap. Like, needed a, well, they needed a break.

Peter (53:45)

Yes, even me sometimes, you know, I have, you know, I get a babysitter and then the event, they're like, it's gonna cancel. For me, I sit in my car, literally sit in my car and just chill with no voice, just chill. Yep.

Matthew Darrah (53:59)

Yeah, that's awesome. what is something you, we've kind of talked about a lot, but is there something we haven't hit on that you really want people to know about when it comes to foster care?

Peter (54:10)

Yes, absolutely. I think we live in a tradition where they have said, and I believe in this tradition, but sometimes it does not make sense. The tradition says, get married, get babies, and...

be a parent, you know? But I think for those who are still waiting for their spouses, I think you can still be the best dad you can be, still waiting for someone. You can be the best mom you can be, still waiting for someone, you know? I've seen people who would wait until it's too late, they're like, you know, I waited and it's too late, there's no way can be. For me, I'm trying to not challenge the tradition, but to say, you know, you're single and you want to be a mom, be a mom right now while you're waiting.

Matthew Darrah (54:50)

Yeah.

Peter (54:51)

Because my kids have never said, I wish we had a mom. they have a dad, absolutely. And so our kids aren't looking for two parents. They are looking for someone who loves them and willing to do so. Yes, I love the tradition, but I think we can also do something while we're waiting, ⁓ just the way I'm doing. And that we can change a life for someone who needs one.

Matthew Darrah (55:12)

Yeah, we had a lady

on who she had worked for a licensing agency and then got licensed to foster when she was single. ⁓ And when she met her husband, I was asking him, I was like, okay, because they continue to foster. And I was like, how did that conversation go? She said, that was date number two. She said, I'm gonna keep doing this. And if you're remotely interested, you're gonna have to join me. And he was like, I'm all,

all for it, so.

Peter (55:44)

Right, or even maybe the other way, where mom say, I want to adopt and foster, but my husband is not. But because that wasn't the talk from the get go, you bring it down the road, and sometimes when people get to love you and they know what you're passionate about, they love you with everything you got.

Matthew Darrah (55:51)

Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah, sure.

Very awesome. So where can folks find you?

Peter (56:09)

dear Lord. You can find me on YouTube, Foster Dad Flipper. You can find me on Instagram, Foster Dad Flipper. You can find me on TikTok, Peter Mutabazi, and on Facebook. Anyway, you can Google my name, you'll find me. Join us and we'll get to see our day-to-day life, the joys of my kids as well.

Matthew Darrah (56:10)

Yeah.

Yeah.

I have really enjoyed seeing your stuff and just seeing, you know, a lot of people that I talk to inside the foster care world think that nobody cares, nobody, you know, and it's been my experience, not across the board, not every single person, but when people are confronted with the need, they respond. And so, you know, when people see

the work that you're doing and the work that we're doing and things like that. And they become aware of the things, all the things that are about foster care. Do hundreds of them go get licensed? No, but I have had many people who have heard me speak and then decided to foster. I've had several board members, it was that way, where we had connected at some point and then they...

served on my board and then they got licensed and stepped off because they'd gotten licensed and things like that. So some people do, but across the board, people respond. Once they're confronted with the reality of the situation, they respond. mean, and so, you know.

Peter (57:47)

Yes, I love that. we have, you know, Aeroflow, like truly, if you are a foster parent there and struggling, you know, reach out to them, go to their website, fit in the paperwork. It might be just wipers that you need. It might be just, you know, it doesn't matter how small, trust me. When you have that and you don't have to worry, you don't have to run to the store to get something, it's truly helpful. That's what I love about them.

Matthew Darrah (58:07)

No, absolutely.

I didn't know about them before Jessica reached out. I'm like getting ready to send out a... Because part of the reason for this podcast is to make folks aware of support mechanisms that are out there, resources that are out there. And so, you know, man, I can see that just the...

The amount, we put a lot of times when the kiddos come and we're there within 24 hours and so many times we bring diapers, ⁓ but just enough to get them through for, you know, four or five days, maybe a week, ⁓ and just to kind of help things get settled. man, to have diapers and stuff just show up and let Medicaid take care of that, that's tremendous. That's a huge resource.

Peter (58:58)

Yeah, especially those who have medical fragile kids. We know they have every supply you need and that's why they're awesome.

Matthew Darrah (59:05)

That's awesome. man, Peter, thank you so stinking much for coming on today. I'm super excited just to get to just that's one of the cool things with this podcast. I get to really meet some really neat people. I had Dr. Hambrick on last week and it was really good. She's been she's done a ton of research in the foster care trauma space. Next week, we've got John Moore healing after trauma. So some support strategies for foster and adoptive parents. That's

That's our episode for next week. Peter, thanks again so much for coming on and ⁓ we'll see you later. Thank you.

Peter (59:42)

Absolutely, thank you.