Empowerment Through Adversity: Aretha Boomer's Journey
- Feb 5
- 36 min read
Hello and welcome to All Things Foster, a place for coffee, connection, and community. I'm excited to have Aretha on with us today to talk about her experiences. But before we do, I want to pause and recognize a partner who has truly walked with us, the High Plains Christian Ministry Foundation. For the last three years, they've believed in POCN and their generosity has been a major reason why we've been able to grow and serve more families than ever before.
Their support isn't just financial, it's an expression of trust, encouragement, and shared commitment to caring for vulnerable children and families who love them. We're so thankful for High Plains Christian Ministry Foundation and the role they play in making this work possible. So, yes, thank you guys so much for your support. We're getting another grant from you guys this year and I really appreciate it. So, Aretha, so you are in New York, right?
Aretha Boomer (00:58.806)
Yes.
Matt Darrah (00:59.621)
All right. And so you're I'm super excited to take here from you, kind of like I said before we started, we get a lot of foster and adoptive families on the podcast. And I'm super excited to get someone who's who kind of has the other side of that experience. And so so you are you you you're a licensed social worker, too, right?
Aretha Boomer (01:24.768)
Yes, I'm a licensed social worker in New York State, so I have my LMSW license.
Matt Darrah (01:31.813)
Excellent, excellent. So let's start with your experience in foster care. You were in foster care and so kind of take us back a little bit. What was your experience? How old were you when you came into foster care?
Aretha Boomer (01:51.126)
I was six years old when I entered the foster care system and I remained with that same family up until the age of 21. I did get adopted at the age of 10 years old. And during that time, since I had a closed adoption, I was disconnected from my biological family that entire time as well. So me and my younger sister entered foster
Matt Darrah (02:00.87)
Okay.
Okay.
Matt Darrah (02:18.077)
Sure.
Aretha Boomer (02:21.062)
care together. My other siblings were separated from us and in different homes and yeah that's pretty much how I was introduced into the full secure system.
Matt Darrah (02:26.375)
Mm.
Matt Darrah (02:32.274)
Mmm.
Okay. And so, how many, so you and your sister were adopted together?
Aretha Boomer (02:41.354)
No, we entered the foster care system together and then we ended up being separated so she was taken into a different home. Unfortunately, the specific reason is still unknown but we ended up being separated probably after a year or so with one another and unfortunately I never saw her again and yeah.
Matt Darrah (02:43.547)
you came in together, but you weren't placed together.
Matt Darrah (02:55.986)
Mm.
Matt Darrah (03:00.349)
Okay.
Aretha Boomer (03:09.964)
I think it's going to ask me another question, right?
Matt Darrah (03:12.453)
Yeah. So, had older siblings too.
Aretha Boomer (03:19.214)
So it's nine of us and all of us into the full secure system together, but we were placed in different homes.
Matt Darrah (03:21.275)
Wow. Okay.
Matt Darrah (03:28.345)
Okay, and do you have relationships with them now?
Aretha Boomer (03:32.596)
I do. I was trying not to fast forward, but yes, I do have a relationship with them now. I found them when I was 26 years old and I'm 34 now. So we were separated for 20 years of me not knowing who they were and how can I locate them.
Matt Darrah (03:36.597)
no, that's fine.
Matt Darrah (03:43.229)
Okay.
Yeah.
Matt Darrah (03:50.141)
Sure, And because it was closed, mean, you were able to get the records though, eventually.
Aretha Boomer (03:58.316)
So at some point, yes, I was informed that because it was a closed adoption, the agency was not permitted to provide me with the names. But I'm grateful to God that he touched someone's heart to say, I'm going to give you the names. And I will post Facebook posts in with their names and saying I was praying for them. I was looking for them. And once I became 21 years old, I did end up homeless for almost two years.
Matt Darrah (04:12.974)
Mm. Mm.
Matt Darrah (04:27.58)
Mmm.
Aretha Boomer (04:28.333)
And during that time, I made a YouTube video with a nonprofit I was volunteering for as a foster care youth advocate. And I made that video probably in like 2012 around that time, or maybe 2014 actually. And I received an email from that organization saying, hey, your family's trying to reach you. come to find out. Unfortunately, my father passed away in 2016 and they
was looking for me and my other siblings due to his life insurance policy and they happened to watch that video on YouTube yeah that I did years prior and say hey that's my that's my cousin and so my first cousin recognized me she saw the banner behind me in the YouTube video and called the agency directly say that's my relative here's the
Matt Darrah (05:03.92)
in
Matt Darrah (05:08.401)
Wow.
Matt Darrah (05:12.605)
Mm.
Aretha Boomer (05:28.164)
information and then I was able to connect with them because of that YouTube video that I did years prior. I know. Yeah. Yeah.
Matt Darrah (05:33.629)
That's Wow. Holy cow. That's amazing. Wow. So let's go back for a little bit. So what do you think was maybe one of the biggest challenges growing up in the foster system and then getting adopted? What do you think was your biggest difficulty or struggle?
Aretha Boomer (05:59.818)
Now reflecting back, I'm gonna say the...
lack of knowledge of my rights. So I wasn't aware that when you leave the foster care system you're entitled to free education and housing and so much support so I didn't know any of that and I wish I would have known that because it would have made my journey much easier. I also don't think it was good for me to make a decision at 10 years old to have a closed adoption
Matt Darrah (06:20.4)
Mm.
Matt Darrah (06:35.101)
you
Aretha Boomer (06:35.216)
not really knowing the weight of that decision and how that can impact my future. So I think that's what...
Matt Darrah (06:42.301)
Sure. So they asked you if you wanted to have a closed adoption. Well, they just asked you if you wanted to be adopted.
Aretha Boomer (06:50.07)
I don't think that they asked me, but I do know at that time I had the ability to change my name legally. So my biological name was Aretha LaVelle Smith and I changed my middle name and my last name. Yes.
Matt Darrah (06:57.061)
Okay.
Matt Darrah (07:04.497)
Mm-hmm. Okay.
Aretha Boomer (07:08.202)
And I do believe at some point they could have asked me if I still wanted to be in contact with my biological mother at the time. And probably at the time, the answer was probably no. Because I don't think I felt safe around her at that time. So I would say the main part is just knowing my rights. Because if I would have known that in high school for the FAFSA application where they asked you like, are you in foster care?
Matt Darrah (07:31.141)
Mm-hmm.
Aretha Boomer (07:38.048)
my idea was because I was adopted I didn't have any support or any resources so I chose no not knowing like actually you're supposed to have your tuition paid for you can supportive housing and no one never told me that secondly I think once a child gets adopted the assumption is that they're probably safe, they're getting the love that they need and I didn't have a really
Matt Darrah (07:51.942)
Right.
Mm-hmm.
Mm.
Aretha Boomer (08:08.032)
positive experience while I was adopted. It's just the fact I didn't want to go from home to home to home and I'm like well I don't want to go to another home and it's worse than that this so let me just stay here. I feel like agencies should conduct an aftercare service for those that have been adopted.
Matt Darrah (08:23.335)
We
Matt Darrah (08:30.107)
Mm-hmm. Yeah. Yeah, mine, I was, you know, was adopted at two. My parents adopted five total. There was myself and three of my biological brothers and then another brother, but I mean, we weren't biological. And it wasn't, it was not.
a positive environment. I mean, so I get that. But yeah, you it's like, this is what I know. So it's, you know. Yeah. Better than.
Aretha Boomer (09:04.142)
Exactly, exactly. And I was raised with two other individuals who were also adopted. So one,
It was my younger brother. He was adopted and my sister. I found out she was adopted, but that's actually a cousin or biologically related. And I felt like I was like the black sheep of the family. So, yeah, it wasn't the easiest situation to grow up in at all. And then not only that, just wondering, you know, is this stranger, my mother, is this person my father?
Matt Darrah (09:22.119)
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
Matt Darrah (09:30.013)
Hmm.
Matt Darrah (09:45.618)
Yeah.
Aretha Boomer (09:45.732)
do I get my looks from, my height from, my complexion from. So anyone I meet, I'm like, this could be my mother, this could be my father, this could be my sister, this could be my brother.
Matt Darrah (09:52.189)
Yeah, right. Yeah, yeah. Man, I, so my biological mom didn't know my biological dad. I mean, he was a construction worker named Slim. That was all she knew, right? And so, I mean, I'm 45. I was adopted at two, right? And so I still wonder, like, you know, who was he? What was he like? You know, that stuff. So, I mean, I do.
It's a challenge. So were there, as you're growing up in this environment, was there adults that made a positive impact in your life? Maybe a caseworker, a counselor, anything like that?
Aretha Boomer (10:44.172)
Yeah, so I had a really good relationship with my middle school counselor and I remember going to high school and because I was so emotionally attached to that individual when I was assigned my high school social worker, it took a while for me to open up. I remember me cursing her out because I'm like, what's the point of us getting to know each other? You know, we're going to terminate services anyway. And she would show up every week after and I didn't understand
Matt Darrah (10:48.85)
Mm-hmm.
Aretha Boomer (11:14.176)
how someone could show up after being disrespected. And so at some point I started to open up to her and she switched me from group therapy to individual therapy. And when I became a sophomore in high school, she said, hey, I would love for you to be my social work aide. And that means you have to come to my office every lunch period. You have to file the paperwork. So for teacher parent conferences, I will have to send out the notices to the parents.
Matt Darrah (11:31.601)
Mmm.
Aretha Boomer (11:44.068)
to let them know about the parent-teacher conference and I was her aide from my sophomore year to my senior year. So she was very instrumental on making sure I stayed out of trouble because she noticed I started to get into fights and arguments with people and that wasn't my character. It's just I was so angry about my home situation and she made a huge difference in my life and even after I graduated we continued
Matt Darrah (11:47.453)
Mm.
Matt Darrah (12:05.595)
Yeah. Yeah.
Aretha Boomer (12:13.881)
to stay in touch. And we're still in touch now. And I graduated in 2010. And I call her Godmom. I know her family, her children, her husband. I've been to Thanksgiving dinners, Christmas dinners. She buys me things for my birthday and Christmas and all the holidays. And so she is one of the main reasons why I was inspired to be a social worker.
Matt Darrah (12:18.769)
Bye now.
and
Matt Darrah (12:41.298)
Sure.
Aretha Boomer (12:41.551)
And in spite of my anger, she saw potential in me and she didn't give up on me. yeah.
Matt Darrah (12:45.019)
Wow. That's awesome. That's really cool. And that's wow. So what do you think you needed the most growing up that you maybe didn't get?
Aretha Boomer (13:01.23)
would say patience because my adoptive father, he was a great man. I would call him a gentle giant. So I was more close with him than my adoptive mom. It's just the fact he lived in a different borough. So we live in Harlem. He lived in the Bronx. So he didn't live with us. And he was just a very, very kind man. I feel like part of the reason why we wasn't as close was because at that time I was so
Matt Darrah (13:20.55)
Mm.
Aretha Boomer (13:31.424)
boy crazy and just was looking for love in all the wrong places and I feel like you know his attention primarily went to my brother and my and my sister Because that was his first boy, so he's the youngest you know he's the favorite and then we have my sister Like she's the reliable one. She's considered the smart one and the family and then we have me I'm like the problem child and so
Matt Darrah (13:50.493)
Hmm.
Matt Darrah (13:59.515)
Yeah.
Aretha Boomer (14:01.104)
Yeah, so he was amazing. He was amazing man. He was very kind We just didn't have a very close relationship but I think if he would have been a little more patient with me and kind of love me through that Rebellion stage if you may I think we would have been a little closer and I will also say just Unconditional love I don't believe I received that I remember my adoptive mom saying that I was the reason why I was in for
care.
And I was the reason why my mom didn't want me. So it was a lot of verbal abuse. So I would say that that that language, that that language would have been helpful for her not to say things like that. And just showing up for me, just just showing up for me, being consistent. think consistency is a really big thing as well. When you've gone through neglect and abandonment and rejection and people
Matt Darrah (14:35.163)
them.
Matt Darrah (14:49.266)
you
Aretha Boomer (15:02.33)
come in and out, in and out, that impacts you, your self-esteem, because you start to question, I must be the problem if people can't stay. I must be the problem of why my parents didn't want me. So I feel like that affirmation, like, no, you are worthy, you are loved, this is not your fault. They're just going through whatever they're going through, but we're here to support you. I feel like that would have been helpful.
Matt Darrah (15:28.541)
No doubt. Yeah, you know, I talk about unconditional love and my experience too. My, my,
Adoptive mom would turn to my dad and be like, you know, I'm sorry I ever made you adopt these boys if I go back and do it again I wouldn't you know, and you know these these words man, they they are powerful and And so yeah, I mean unconditional love is just something that is so crucial That that and especially especially when you've grown up, you know when you've you've been removed and you've got you've got all this
background of trauma, which has led you into the situation that you're in currently, you're already prone to struggling with feeling loved and things like that. And so to not be cherished and just valued, just...
for who you are, for being who you are. you know, it is. Man, that's so tough. So, what do you think, how did your experience kind of shape how you saw yourself?
Aretha Boomer (16:47.522)
the time I would say at the time I definitely didn't consider myself worthy of love because I didn't understand how people could give birth to a child and not take the initiative to take care of that child and I couldn't understand how
Matt Darrah (17:04.925)
Mm-hmm.
Aretha Boomer (17:09.164)
the person that brought me in the world didn't love me enough to fight for me. And so if the person that brought you into the world doesn't love you, then how do you expect someone else to love you? That was my mindset. So any attention I received from the opposite sex, I was like, they like me. They love me. Right. So I'm willing to do whatever it takes within the relationship because you love me. You see me like you accept
Matt Darrah (17:22.375)
Yeah.
Aretha Boomer (17:39.118)
me so now I'm fighting for relationships that's probably not the most healthiest relationships because at least you show me attention at least you you see me and so at the time I definitely didn't think I was worthy of love or someone showing up for
Matt Darrah (17:48.466)
Yeah.
Aretha Boomer (17:58.638)
So was a lot of lack of self-confidence, self-esteem, looking for validation, seeking for validation, compliments, what I'm doing well.
So was a very interesting season of my life. I feel like I started dating way too young, trying to look for that affirmation, looking for someone to actually see me. And when I felt like I was seen, then that's how I ended up in some unhealthy relationships at a younger age.
Matt Darrah (18:13.766)
Yeah.
Matt Darrah (18:20.541)
you
Matt Darrah (18:34.157)
Yeah. Right. You know, you're so desperate for, and I hate to use that word, but that's how I felt. mean, just desperate for anybody to see me, to care about me. And so, you you do. You make decisions that you would make. man, what do you...
What do you think?
What helped you? You talked about the school counselor. What other support mechanisms or things did you have that helped you kind of break that cycle? mean, you're on the other side. You're working, you're a social worker. How did you get there? What support mechanisms were there that helped get you on this path?
Aretha Boomer (19:34.902)
Yeah, so.
The best gift that my adoptive mom did give me is introduction to Christ. So although I don't believe that she lived what we learned about in church, she made sure I went to church every Sunday. And I grew up in the choir, singing the choir. I grew up praise dancing. So I would say that God is my foundation. I identify as a Christian. And I would say he had
Matt Darrah (19:52.122)
Yeah.
Aretha Boomer (20:06.384)
grounded me through all of my obstacles and trials and tribulations and he sent me the right people at the right time. So he's always given me what I needed in one way or another and I'm grateful for the love that he has for me because his love is unconditional, his love is unfeeling and the version of me today he knew I was gonna be this before I was in my
Matt Darrah (20:17.286)
Yeah.
Matt Darrah (20:29.583)
That's it.
Aretha Boomer (20:36.324)
my mother's womb and he knows that there's an even greater version of me than I'm not there as of yet and he still loves me the same so I'm gonna say God's love has kept me, his mercy has kept me as well so I always was in the church and my relationship with God is what has grounded me and
faith in him has grounded me and the different ways he's made as well. And so, yeah, I would say my relationship with God and dancing. I grew up dancing and hip hop, African dance, praise dance. So I would say God and dancing. I love dancing. I could dance through anything.
Matt Darrah (21:24.829)
There you go. I remember my wife-to-be, we were engaged, sat with a pastor and he…
He told me to open to Psalm 139, you you alluded to that. And I just, as we're reading how he knit us together in our mother's wombs, and I just, just wept because it was, was somebody loved me enough, right? And so, yeah, I mean, man, that's just, that's amazing. I love it.
Aretha Boomer (22:08.374)
And there's a scripture in the Bible that says, when your mother and father forsake you, I will bring you up. And so he knew that unfortunately someone will experience being forsaken from their parents. And he said, I'll bring you up. And he said, I'm a mother to the motherless and a father to the fatherless. And so he basically shaped me to be who I am today. That's my main coping
Matt Darrah (22:35.004)
Yeah.
Aretha Boomer (22:38.24)
skill because one of my favorite scriptures is Jeremiah 29 and 11. I know the plans that I have for you, plans to prosper you, not harm you, plans to give you a hope in the future. So I know his plan is to prosper me and I agree with that plan and so I allow God to all of my steps.
Matt Darrah (22:58.375)
love it. Man, you know who's gonna get a sermon this morning, girl? I love it. I do. So what do you, we talked about, we talked about, well, you kind of went ahead there. So you talked about how this counselor kind of geared you towards this social work. there other things that kind of made you say, know, man, I've,
Aretha Boomer (23:03.18)
You
Matt Darrah (23:27.823)
I want to do this. I want to work with kids. What were some of the other things that kind of helped you to move in that direction, do you think?
Aretha Boomer (23:37.792)
I wanted to be the person that I didn't have growing up.
Matt Darrah (23:41.714)
Mm.
Aretha Boomer (23:43.042)
because I didn't have the worker tell me my rights. I didn't have the worker tell me what to expect from the situation or have anyone check up on me once I was adopted. And I really wanted to be that person for someone else. I know what it's like to have it and I know what it's like not to have it. And because of my high school counselor, just that one person changed my entire life. And I really wanted to be that one person for someone else.
that one person that tells someone that they're worthy, that one person that tells someone, hey, this is not the way to go, you're better than that, that one person that tells someone that they're beautiful and they don't need to look for validation from the opposite sex or the same sex or any of that sort. And the one person that say, believe in you, I see you, just keep going. So I just really wanted to be that person to someone else, because I know it makes a difference.
Matt Darrah (24:13.437)
Hmm.
Matt Darrah (24:29.841)
Yeah.
Aretha Boomer (24:42.896)
for someone, especially if they don't have that one person in their lives. So I just wanted to be that person and I just want to make a difference. I don't want my experiences to be in vain and I think one of the ways for it to not be in vain is to help as many people as possible.
Matt Darrah (24:43.323)
Mm.
Matt Darrah (25:02.459)
Yeah, man. So, like you said, one person can just make the difference. And I love wanting to kind of sort of pay it forward and be that for other people. So how does your experience, your lived experience, like impact and kind of...
formulate the work that you do with kiddos.
Aretha Boomer (25:36.184)
Yes.
I want to answer that. also want to add, I did become homeless at 21 because I had a conflict with my adoptive mom and I was in a shelter for almost two years. And during that time, the only person that was consistent was God. So I also know what it's like not to have anything. I couldn't even afford to buy a phone or my own coat or a Metro card to travel. And so in that season,
Matt Darrah (25:41.157)
Right. Right.
Matt Darrah (25:47.869)
Hmm.
Matt Darrah (25:52.561)
Mm-hmm.
Aretha Boomer (26:07.12)
and I learned God as a provider. So that's also another reason why I like to show up for people, especially when they're in that valley season, because you need some sort of support or you need someone to say, hey, there's a light at the end of the tunnel. And I believe my lived experiences have shaped the person and the social work I am today because I am a very involved social worker with my
Matt Darrah (26:09.957)
Hmm.
Aretha Boomer (26:37.052)
clients. So I've been to graduations, I've gone to soccer games, I've been to plays and shows, I've been to honor roll, honor roll events.
Matt Darrah (26:44.956)
Yeah.
Matt Darrah (26:52.37)
Yeah.
Aretha Boomer (26:53.142)
So I'm really like for the families that I serve and I have a really great relationship with the parents and the children that I serve. And I'm just grateful that they see me a part of their village, a part of their family and just someone that cares about them. One of the greatest compliments that I have or receive is that children trust me. And that's so, so big for me.
So yeah, it's shaped how I show up for people. I'm very intentional about the words I speak over people's lives. So I affirm the children that I work with. I tell them I believe in them. I tell them that they could do anything they put their mind to do. I tell them that any dream that you have, you have the ability to do it. I celebrate their milestones when they're not sure of themselves. I point out what they're really good at. I highlight
their strengths. So it allows me to be more intentional about how I engage with them. When they make mistakes, I tell them to show themselves grace and try again. And so I'm very careful with how I serve the people that I serve because I'm serving a previous version of myself in many cases. So the young girls I work with and they're boy crazy, I'm like, I get it. I understand.
Matt Darrah (28:04.221)
Hmm.
Matt Darrah (28:15.11)
Mmm.
Matt Darrah (28:21.373)
you
Aretha Boomer (28:22.922)
in. Let me let you know that you're beautiful and you don't need this person to tell you that. Let me tell you the signs to look out for so that they don't have to experience what I've gone through. And so God has allowed me to serve younger versions of me, previous versions of me, to pick them back up and to go after them. So I'm honored to serve the people I serve.
Matt Darrah (28:31.63)
you
Matt Darrah (28:48.301)
I love it. what do you wish other, and I can probably guess what you're gonna say, but what do you wish other professionals in the field knew? I think a lot of folks that have our experience go on.
to serve in some capacity like this, but there's a lot of professionals that don't. They don't have the lived experience. What do wish other professionals knew about the way in which you serve these kiddos?
Aretha Boomer (29:27.148)
Yes, so I would say just being mindful that everyone has a story and to try not to judge the book by its cover and to not be so easy to give up on people because
The youth from the foster care system, these are not young people that are without ideas or vision or dreams. These are just young people that have experienced traumatic experiences and they just need someone to see them. They just need someone to believe in them. They just need someone to hear them and to be patient with them as they evolve.
Once you give young people that have experienced those experiences love and consistency and care, their potential is unstoppable. It's unstoppable. But if you count them out too early, you won't be able to see what they can become. And so I think it's really important to understand that they have dreams, they have ideas, they want to thrive.
they want to succeed, it's just they don't have anyone to tell them that it's possible. Be the person to tell them that it's possible. Show them that it's possible. Give them the resources, give them the information so that they can apply themselves. I think one of the greatest opportunities my high school social worker has been able to see is me evolve into the woman that I am today and to see that she did it. I knew she
Matt Darrah (30:42.021)
No.
Aretha Boomer (31:06.862)
she could do it and she saw that she did it. You know, I think that's so powerful. She's known me for 20 years. I'm 34 now. She met me when I was 14. So she's been able to see the different versions of me. She was able to see me when I was homeless to now me being in my apartment from me having no degree to now me having my masters. From me not knowing my biological family for 20 years to me now knowing them.
Matt Darrah (31:08.221)
Amen.
Matt Darrah (31:17.137)
Well...
Matt Darrah (31:37.397)
Mm-hmm. I love that. So you said that you do some workshops for for current kiddos in foster care, right?
Aretha Boomer (31:47.31)
Yes, so I've co-facilitated workshops with the agency in New York called New Yorkers for Children. They serve foster care youth children. So I've done workshops about self-care. I've also done workshops about how to navigate through graduate school as a foster care youth because unfortunately, according to statistics, less than 3 % of age-old foster care youth go to college.
Matt Darrah (32:16.006)
Right.
Aretha Boomer (32:17.324)
to be incarcerated, homeless, be pregnant by 17 or 18 years old, have a mental illness, a PTSD, and all these other outcomes. And so it's very rare to have someone experience foster care and actually go to graduate school. And so I've been privileged to speak on a panel to educate current foster care youth that's currently in college of how I navigated graduate school as a
Matt Darrah (32:35.485)
you
Aretha Boomer (32:47.184)
former foster care youth.
Matt Darrah (32:49.789)
Mm, that's so cool. What are some common kind of themes or struggles that you see with kids now?
Aretha Boomer (32:59.874)
I'm going to say the lack of education of their rights.
Matt Darrah (33:04.476)
Yeah.
Aretha Boomer (33:04.8)
So lot of people don't recognize that they qualify for something called the education voucher, which is a voucher that gives you up to $5,000 and they have increased the age from 23 to 26. And so that is a right of a foster care youth. And I would say for any foster care youth, depending on what city you're in, check out any agencies that provide supportive housing as well. So right now I currently
live in a supportive housing program that I moved into when I was 23 years old that I wasn't aware of. And so check out your state supportive housing programs as well because you're also entitled to that resource too. So I would say just lack of knowledge of what they're entitled to and their rights as a foster care youth.
Matt Darrah (33:43.003)
Mm.
Matt Darrah (33:59.387)
Yeah, yeah. You know, I went to school and had no idea and it wasn't until much later when I started on our journey that I was like, I had tens of thousands of dollars in student loans and I could have gotten my education for free. Yeah.
Aretha Boomer (34:19.512)
for free. Yeah, it's so unfortunate. It's unfortunate.
Matt Darrah (34:25.061)
Yeah, for sure. So what does empowerment look like for you with the kiddos? mean, how do you see them becoming empowered through the work that you're doing?
Aretha Boomer (34:39.438)
So the work that I do is very individualized to that particular client. So I don't like sports. I don't care for sports. I don't watch it.
never like sports. However, a lot of my boys want to be in sports and so instead of me coming to the session with activities I have in mind, I play the sports with them. I watch sports shows so I understand their favorite players and then I utilize that to motivate them. So it's like, hey you want to be a basketball player, you want to be a football player. That's wonderful. I know you can do it, right? It also requires discipline. That means doing the things that
Matt Darrah (35:11.003)
Mm-hmm.
Aretha Boomer (35:21.872)
that you need to do when you don't want to do it. And so I know you don't want to go to class, but you got to go to class, right? You want to go to a D1 school, you want to um, compete, right? And so I try to like use their future dreams to help the version that they are today. And I just engage in activities that they, that they value and I show up for them whenever they need me to show up for them. If that's a show like, Hey, Miss A, I have a game or I have a war
ceremony, can you come?" And I'm like, sure, I'll let you know if I can make it. So I do my best not to over promise. That's another thing. Because when you are engaging with children, in spite of their background, when you make a promise to them, they're going to remember that promise. So you want to make sure that you don't over promise. So I try not to over promise. I'll say, I'll let you know if I can make it, I'll be there. If I can't, just know I'm still rooting for you. Just have your parent record it for me.
Matt Darrah (35:59.741)
Thank
Matt Darrah (36:09.403)
Yeah.
Aretha Boomer (36:21.738)
And I meet them where they are. I meet them where they are. I point out their strengths. I point out what they're really good at. When they do something kind, like one of my kids that I'm working with now, she remembered that one of her previous teachers loved the Snoopy dog and she bought a pen for them. And she was like, can you can you take me over there to give this to her? And the teacher was so moved that she remembered that she said, wow, you remember that? She's like, yeah. And I told
her I said that was so kind of you. I said you know what the word attentive means she said no I said that means when you pay attention to small details and you actually remember that from last year she said yeah I said that's a beautiful trait to have continue to be kind no matter what and so I provide specific examples of when they demonstrate good characteristics and encourage them to continue to be that way and so that's how I encourage them.
Matt Darrah (36:53.756)
Yeah.
Matt Darrah (37:05.383)
Hmm.
Matt Darrah (37:17.575)
kid.
Aretha Boomer (37:21.55)
One of the ways I encourage them.
Matt Darrah (37:23.325)
Sure. So, you're gonna, so if you were gonna sit down with a current foster parent, what are you gonna tell them as you're with, you've got this lived experience, you know, and maybe they don't. What do you tell them? How do you encourage them to help the kiddos that are in their care?
Aretha Boomer (37:52.92)
So first, I will explore with them.
the reason why they want to be foster care parents because I don't think that anyone should be a foster care parent for a check. So first, let's talk about your motive, your heart posture towards why you're doing it because the why is important. The why is very important. If you're in it for the wrong reasons, when things get tough, you want to back out, right? You want to give up on that child. So that's first talk about the why. And then two, it's like from
Matt Darrah (38:05.339)
Mm-hmm.
Matt Darrah (38:20.476)
is her name.
Aretha Boomer (38:26.432)
what you know from this child's experience, from what the agency have provided you, think about ways that you could support that child. Everyone is loved differently. So we have this concept of love languages, qualities, quality time, acts of service, gifts. What's that? time acts of service, yes, words of affirmation, right? Those
Matt Darrah (38:40.477)
Hmm.
Matt Darrah (38:48.753)
touch. Words of affirmation in touch.
Aretha Boomer (38:56.396)
That concept does matter for someone. It is words of affirmation. You've done a wonderful job today. Keep up the great work. I believe in you for another person as quality time. And so how does that child need you to show up for them? How do they need to be loved? And if you have children, biological children with the foster care, you've being mindful of that dynamic too, because that person may already feel like you have favorites because this is
your child. So making sure that you're loving them and showing up for them, just like you show up for your other child. And so if you discipline your your biological child one way, you discipline that other child that same way or vice versa. Because children pay attention to see if you discipline another child one way compared to them. It's like, well, when I did this, I got yelled at. But when he did it, you didn't say anything. Why is that? And now it's like, you you feel you have
Matt Darrah (39:43.216)
yeah.
Aretha Boomer (39:56.148)
favorites, right? And that's not a good feeling. And so being aware of how you parent as well, and recognizing if you do have some challenges, not to take it personal, it's not personal. It's just because of their lived experiences. And recognizing they probably expect you to give up on them. They probably expect for you not to continue to show up. Show them that you're there. You're there for them for the long haul. And then you'll start to see that they continue to come out there.
Matt Darrah (40:13.723)
Yeah.
Aretha Boomer (40:26.032)
their show as you continue to show up for them and be consistent. Give them resources, pay attention to their interests. What lights them up? Is it performing arts? Is it sports? Is it gardening? Is it running? Whatever it is, say, I noticed that you're always shooting hoops. I found a program for you to play basketball because now that communicates, wow, she saw me. He saw me. He's paying attention to what I like, right? Recognizing their trigger.
Matt Darrah (40:51.548)
Yeah.
Aretha Boomer (40:55.982)
Recognizing their triggers, so just being aware that you don't trigger them as well. So just getting to know them, just getting to know them as human beings. Respecting that they have feelings. I think sometimes adults forget that children have feelings, you know, not to talk to them any kind of way. And just to create a safe space with them, maybe weekly check-ins too.
Matt Darrah (41:15.495)
Hmm. Yeah.
Matt Darrah (41:22.877)
yeah. So good. So if you were going to sit across from a community person, whether it's a pastor or a principal at a school or just some Joe walking down the street, how do you communicate to them to support families that are fostering or have adopted or whatever? What do you say to them?
Aretha Boomer (41:50.602)
encourage them to create a workshop or a seminar about Know Your Rights for the parents but also the children. So that's one. And then secondly, I will probably encourage them to just provide ongoing workshops, honestly, because the parents need support, and then the children also need support as well. I think that will be important to have. And just
like a village way of doing things. And so if you're like a social worker, the parent and the child, hey, that's create a thread or an email chain to make sure that example Johnny is doing okay, let us know the barriers, the triggers, the resources that you need. And as a community, as a village, we show up for that child. So just really that ongoing communication and that ongoing
Matt Darrah (42:24.636)
Yeah.
Aretha Boomer (42:50.352)
support for that parent and the child because we don't only want to support the child we also want to support the parent too because this is also a change for them too and they also may need resources. Are the parents receiving their therapy? Are you also in therapy right? Because that foster parent have their own story too that they may need to process more to help that foster care youth.
Matt Darrah (42:58.268)
Yeah.
Yeah.
Matt Darrah (43:12.316)
Yeah.
Matt Darrah (43:18.365)
Yeah, therapy is so important and you know, just not nearly enough folks go through, because just because you're in a biological family doesn't automatically mean that it was a great, loving and wonderful place to grow up. My wife grew up with her biological family and it was...
is not healthy. so, you know, just assuming that, they, you know, they grow up with their bio family doesn't automatically mean that they're, you know, all good either. So I encourage folks a lot to go to therapy and work through because, like you say, the best foster parent in the world still is, they're going to have struggles. They're going to get tired. They're going to get
emotionally just drained where they have nothing to give. so, you know, therapy is just, it's crucial for I think everybody involved.
Aretha Boomer (44:22.35)
Absolutely, it does make a difference. And then understanding what the child may need at 10 years old is completely different than what they may need at 16. And so just being like attentive to the shifts and the dynamics of the child, really getting to know each other, because you can live in the same home with someone and still be strangers. So that's another thing I'll tell the parents I work with now, you got to be intentional with spending quality time with one another, do weekly
Matt Darrah (44:33.222)
Yeah.
Matt Darrah (44:43.995)
Yeah.
Aretha Boomer (44:52.314)
game night, taco Tuesday, have dinner at the table quite frequently, especially with this generation where they tend to withdraw and be on the video games. You have to have dinner at the table, ask about each other's day to really make sure that you keep up to date. Because last year they could have loved tacos. Now this year they hate tacos, but you don't know that because you're not having conversations with them. So you have to be intentional to spend
Matt Darrah (44:58.61)
Mm.
Matt Darrah (45:16.529)
Yeah.
Aretha Boomer (45:22.246)
quality time with the children, getting to know them, and then also making sure that as a caregiver you're practicing self-care for yourself, that you have your own community because before you're a parent you're still an individual, you're still a woman, you're still a man, you want to nurture that inside of yourself. So what supports do you have? Do you ever have adult quality time? Do you ever take yourself out on a date? Do you have someone you can vent to? So that's also
important. If your entire identity is only parenthood, then you're going to wear yourself out. You need to also have that time for yourself. So that's another thing I encourage the parents that I serve to do as well. Like before you as a mother, you was a woman first. Before you was a father, you was a man first. And so you have to attend to that as well.
Matt Darrah (45:59.773)
Yeah.
Matt Darrah (46:16.731)
Yeah, So how do you think of it? You've kind of touched on this, how does your faith and core values guide your work?
Aretha Boomer (46:29.622)
Yeah, so one of the scriptures I love is life and death is in the power of the tongue. So I'm intentional about speaking life into the people I work with. My youngest child is eight years old. The parents I work with in family therapy, the oldest is probably 40. So you're talking about multiple generations that I currently serve and have been serving for the past decade. So I intentionally encourage them.
Matt Darrah (46:37.425)
James. Yeah. Yeah.
Aretha Boomer (46:59.616)
I intentionally empower them. If I have a parent that's really good with cooking, I'll say, hey, I know you're trying to get additional income. Have you ever thought about selling plates? Have you ever thought about doing cooking classes? Have you ever thought about selling ingredients? So now I have their mind wondering like, hmm, I never saw myself as an entrepreneur. Maybe you should think about that, right? So I'm exploring possibilities with them. I'm exploring a higher version of themself. And so
Matt Darrah (47:10.396)
you
Aretha Boomer (47:29.456)
Definitely how I show up when it comes to the words that I speak but also I'm very humble in my sessions with them because I understand like their stories in a lot of cases and what they're going through and so I think about when I was this age what did I need to hear at this age and then that's the advice that that I give and not in the way of me knowing it all I'll say hey you know have you thought about this have you thought
Matt Darrah (47:50.94)
Mm.
Aretha Boomer (47:59.408)
about that. Yes, I have. That didn't work. no, I haven't. Let me go try it." And yeah, pretty much the words that I speak, I'm just intentional about that, doing my best not to over promise. I'm intentional about that as well because a lot of people made promises to me that they never kept and then that it caused me not to trust them anymore. And so I'm really mindful when it comes to that and just being
Matt Darrah (48:05.211)
Mm-hmm.
Matt Darrah (48:23.228)
Yeah.
Aretha Boomer (48:29.232)
So a lot of my families, I've been serving them for three plus years and I'm one of the most consistent support that they have in their lives. And also, I also have conducted workshops within my program to help the families. So I've done self-care workshops for the caregivers within my agency. I've also done a workshop called Wealth Mindset. So we talked about how to invest in a stock market. We talked about how
to utilize their natural born gifts to turn it into a passive income because a lot of people are really great at administrative skills. I'm like, you know how many business owners need a virtual assistant? Like there's so many ways you can monetize your natural born gifts. And so I just help them see like what they're what they're capable of doing. Or if someone is telling me, hey, I would like to get another job or own a business or whatever it is, I look up the
Matt Darrah (49:21.981)
Hmm.
Aretha Boomer (49:29.068)
resources and I'll send it to them.
Matt Darrah (49:32.017)
Yeah. So, do you have a story where God kind of did something utilizing your story that was completely like unexpected? Like I didn't plan that, didn't think about that at all.
Aretha Boomer (49:50.029)
lot
I'm gonna say the way I started to do workshops with this nonprofit is I went to an event for the alumni's the foster care alumni's and I was just sitting down and The director sat next to me. She introduced myself I introduced myself and she introduced herself and she was like, what do you do? I saw my license social worker. She said saw my I'm like, that's so great. And I said I used to mentor
Matt Darrah (49:51.549)
Yeah.
Aretha Boomer (50:20.544)
former foster care youth with this agency, but I haven't done it in a while. She said, really, I've been looking for someone to co-facilitate the workshops for the current foster care youth. I said, great, let me send you my resume. I sent her my resume. And that's how I got the opportunity to conduct these workshops at the agency. So I wasn't looking for the opportunity. God presented the opportunity to me. And for me, that's a privilege, talking to someone that's currently
Matt Darrah (50:31.175)
Yeah.
Matt Darrah (50:45.542)
Yeah.
Aretha Boomer (50:50.688)
in undergrad about how I navigated undergrad and graduate school because I didn't have that. I didn't have anyone to talk to that had their master's degree when I was in undergrad. I had to figure it out. So the fact I was able to do that for them, to me, that was such an honor and a privilege. So I'm really grateful for that. Yeah, so I would say that that was definitely one of the opportunities. And I've been able to do
Matt Darrah (50:57.789)
Yeah.
Matt Darrah (51:04.423)
Mm-hmm.
Aretha Boomer (51:20.368)
at least two to three workshops. yeah. And then another opportunity got open for me through the same individual is someone that has their PhD and their dissertation is about forced-to-care youth that age out of care that do have least a bachelor's degree. And it was like a study and all I had to do was share my story and they paid me for that too. And so I wasn't looking for that opportunity.
those are the opportunities God has presented to me to pour into current foster care youth. then with this, her dissertation, we'll be able to educate the community about foster care youth that made it to the other side and how we made it to the other side.
Matt Darrah (52:06.823)
Mm-hmm. Yeah. Yeah. Mm. I love that. What do you think, what do you think gives you the most hope of the things going on in the foster care system right now? What do you, what gives you the most hope?
Aretha Boomer (52:27.2)
I'm gonna say the progression that...
the system is making. So like the agency that I partner with, they do a lot of workshops for the young people. And I think word of mouth is a great way to get information shared around. And I believe that those young people will tell their colleagues or people that they know about these resources. There's also a nonprofit is called Moving Mafia. They provide care packages
for aged out foster care youth that's currently attending HBCI and I know that there's a show in New York called the Sherry Shepherd show where just yesterday actually they're doing an initiative where you donate the amount of money of the degrees in your state so like if it's 21 degrees in New York you donate $21 to the Moving Mafia something like that and Sherry Shepherd show is millions of people watch that
show millions of people of followers and now this organization that serves foster care youth is being highlighted on such a large platform. So I think that's a great way to show the community or educate the community the support that foster care youth can can benefit from. think podcasts like yours is really important and necessary so that people can hear
Matt Darrah (53:40.925)
Mm-hmm.
Aretha Boomer (54:02.1)
different perspectives from aged out foster care youth, someone that might want to be a foster parent, current foster parent. So I think podcasts is also important. And one day I pray that God will bless me with my own supportive housing program. This has been the idea of mine for over 15 years now. I would love to have my own housing program where I provide affordable housing and wrap around
services on site and so I believe as long as God gives me breath in my body, at some point that is going to happen. I think God is going to make it come to pass and allow it to be full circle because that building will primarily serve foster care youth.
Matt Darrah (54:51.067)
Yeah, yeah, man, that's so cool. So how can people connect with you or with the work that you're doing?
Aretha Boomer (55:02.038)
Yes, so my social media is Aretha Boomer on all social media platforms. TikTok, Instagram, Facebook, LinkedIn.
Matt Darrah (55:11.641)
Okay, and we'll put links down in the description as well. So let's kind of close out with kind of where things are at today. you said that you've connected with family. you been able to connect with, like you said there was nine of you guys, siblings?
Aretha Boomer (55:35.021)
Yes.
Matt Darrah (55:35.825)
And then I know you said your dad had passed, but your mom, have you been able to connect with the rest of your family?
Aretha Boomer (55:43.534)
Excuse me, yes. So I met them for the first time in 2017.
And we're still getting to know one another because all of us were adults when we got reconnected. I'm on the younger side of my siblings and I'm a proud auntie of over 12 nieces and nephews. I'm the only one without any children at the moment. And it's been an honor and a privilege just to get to know them. And we're still navigating through the experiences
Matt Darrah (56:00.605)
you
Aretha Boomer (56:20.556)
that we've gone through individually and collectively. Unfortunately, three of my siblings did pass away, so right now, only six of us left.
Matt Darrah (56:27.751)
Right.
Aretha Boomer (56:30.414)
And so we're just managing, you know, family matters and just navigating through that. But I'm grateful because this was an answer prayer. I've been praying for years to reconnect with them. So I'm happy I was able to finally connect with them. And there are still some cousins I still haven't met yet and nieces and nephews I still haven't met yet as well. And so my story is still being unfolded.
Matt Darrah (57:00.316)
Yeah.
Aretha Boomer (57:00.368)
And I'm just grateful for the faithfulness of God because he's faithful. It's something I really wanted and he made it happen. And I'm a social worker. I serve families and children. I have been doing this for four years, but I've been in the field for about 10 years. So I've served homeless families for five years. I've done administrative work. I tend to volunteer sometimes. So yeah, I'm
Matt Darrah (57:07.165)
Yeah.
Aretha Boomer (57:30.338)
I'm just looking forward to seeing what God has in store for me next.
Matt Darrah (57:35.881)
Awesome. Well, you've shared some pretty personal stuff and I really appreciate you racing out and coming on and sharing kind of this two-folded experience of being in the system and then helping families and kiddos that are in the system. And so that's a unique perspective that I don't get to talk to a whole bunch of folks that...
have that experience. And so I really appreciate you coming on and just being vulnerable and sharing your experience.
Aretha Boomer (58:10.592)
No problem. And I'm honored to be here because I think it's important for people to hear the testimonies of people that made it to the other side so that they know that it's possible. Like it's not going to be easy. I'm not going to say it's going to be easy because it's not. You may have moments of frustration and moments where you feel like it's not going to happen. But I believe with God and trust in him and receiving any support
that he sends you because it might not be people you expect. Like, I'd use a stranger to donate $5,000 to me. I only met the person one time. He used a stranger to donate $5,000 to me so I could finish graduate school. And so he'll send someone to help you and just receive the help and make it to the other side. But the other side is worth it. It's definitely worth it.
Matt Darrah (58:44.465)
Yeah.
Aretha Boomer (59:10.506)
my mission to help people get to the other side.
Matt Darrah (59:14.947)
Absolutely. Man, so, so good. So, thanks again for coming, Aretha, and thank you to High Plains Christian Ministry Foundation for your generous, generous support of our organization. Next week, we're going to have on Jason Johnson. He is a foster and adoptive dad and works on
with Christian Alliance for Orphans, just a really, really great guy with a really neat story. So make sure to tune in next week and like, comment, share, subscribe, all the things so we can get more and more folks to just be aware of what's going on in the system. So thank you guys and have a great week.
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