Breaking Cycles: Deanna Culver’s Journey of Hope and Healing
- Apr 23
- 38 min read
Matt Darrah (00:00)
Hello and welcome to All Things Foster, a place for coffee, connection, and community. We've got an exciting guest that we're gonna talk to here in just a second, but before we do, this is a shout out to my BNI Lone Star Leaders chapter. Business Networking International is a worldwide organization for referral networking. Members come to a weekly meeting to get to know other's businesses, grow relationships, and pass referrals to each other.
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And then you can check out our Facebook page if you look for BNI Lone Star Leaders, you'll find it that way too. And I'll just tell you guys, I I say this most every week, my sponsors are awesome folks and this chapter, they've just really become kind of a family. And so they're just really, really great people. So if you need a networking opportunity and you're in the panhandle area, hit us up. And then if you're not, if you're somewhere else.
There's BNI's all over the place. so check it out. So, all right. So ⁓ I do want to say that this episode is posting on our one year anniversary. So we're kind of excited about that. It's been a long road to get here, but it's been great. We've had some really, really interesting conversations, some heavy conversations and some less heavy, but.
Deanna Culver (01:40)
grants.
Matt Darrah (01:53)
It's been great. So thank you guys if you're listening and if you've listened from the beginning, thank you so much for sticking it with us. ⁓ And anyway, so today we've got Deanna Culver with us ⁓ on our podcast. And so ⁓ our kind of theme for today is, Are Not Our Parents' Sins, Foster Care of Faith and Breaking the Cycle. So Deanna, thank you so much for coming on the podcast today.
Deanna Culver (02:20)
Thank for having me. Appreciate it.
Matt Darrah (02:21)
Absolutely.
It's tough to come on and ⁓ share deeply personal experiences. so I appreciate you being willing to come on and talk about your experiences.
Deanna Culver (02:35)
Thank you. I appreciate your time too.
Matt Darrah (02:38)
Absolutely. So, our conversation today is kind of about identity. It's about trauma and faith and about the truth that foster care does not get to define who you become. So, Deanna, let's kind of start with a quote that you told me, which is, I believe I carried my mother's demons on my shoulders. Talk to us about that. What does that mean for you?
Deanna Culver (03:05)
That really hits hard ⁓ every day. And I try to be completely different than what she or how she lived her life actually. And ⁓ so with all the struggles of growing up and being in an abusive physical, mental, emotional, psychological, abusive environment with my mother and my dad working so much that he wasn't always around to see the true identity of what she was.
was doing to his children. It affects almost everything I do and how I try to improve myself all the time. Because the one thing I always have told myself that I have learned how not to be from my parents. And ⁓ there's statistics and stigmas and everything around so many topics. And for me,
Matt Darrah (03:37)
Mm.
Mm.
Deanna Culver (04:03)
I have learned so much that when I raised my own children, I wasn't going to do unto them what was done unto me. Rather, it was in foster care or with my own mother. And I don't really mention much of my dad because, like I said, he worked a lot, so he wasn't around all the time. But when he was present, he wasn't really there. It was pretty hard for him in trying to raise a family. just in the last two years before he passed away, I got to really
Matt Darrah (04:13)
Yeah.
Hmm.
Deanna Culver (04:32)
know him as a human being, a dad, and a man. And I'm thankful for that because after my mother had passed in 2022 and my dad passed in 2025, two years I got with him, I learned so much and there were so many secrets and so many things hidden and so many things that he wasn't aware of until I brought it to the surface with my sisters or even his own sisters, my aunts, from what they've ⁓
had seen with us kids growing up. And so that was a heavy burden for him to hear all this stuff the last two years of his life. And I kind of feel guilty that we all like dumped on him. ⁓ But but we also didn't have a chance to really have much relationship when my mother was around because, you know, he his marriage with her was marriage. And to him, you don't get divorced. You keep going. You keep trying. And unfortunately,
Matt Darrah (05:15)
Mm.
Mm.
Deanna Culver (05:32)
We as kids growing up, always thought, why didn't our dad take us out? Why didn't he go and raise us on his own? He could have done a fabulous job on his own. And we always want, especially myself, I always wondered why, you know, why didn't he? And so I finally got to ask him that question. The last two years of his life, I got to know him and I have forgiven him. have enormous respect for him.
Matt Darrah (05:40)
Mm-hmm.
Deanna Culver (06:01)
I feel really bad that he didn't get to have a happy life, you know, and that he didn't get to see us kids grow in a way that any man should have been able to see his children grow in. And unfortunately, back in those days, you know, you get married, you stay married and you just tough it out, you know, and unfortunately it affected all of us kids. And, and of course it affected him and my mother because you can tell that their relationship wasn't all.
you know, togetherness and love and all that. So just living through what we did as kids in foster care and with my mother, it's something I don't wish upon any child ever. And then in foster care, I don't wish that upon any child too. I mean, there's so many good foster parents out there, foster homes. There are. And I'm not trying to...
Matt Darrah (06:47)
Absolutely.
Deanna Culver (06:57)
to mean them or make it seem like it's the worst thing in the world for a child to have to go and live in and that. But just from my own experience, it wasn't a healthy environment, either home nor both the foster care homes. It wasn't safe. wasn't togetherness, happy. It wasn't what you would perceive as being a safe place to rest.
rest your head at night or where you could trust the adults with anything that you needed to say. It almost feels like, and it was only two foster homes we were in, but it's not like only, I mean, it was two foster homes and it's like taking a plastic bag and putting your belongings in and not knowing where you're going next, you know? And I often also say, ⁓
Matt Darrah (07:26)
Yeah.
Mm-hmm.
Yeah. Right. Absolutely. Yeah.
Deanna Culver (07:52)
we had lived in those foster care homes, I would have rather have stayed and not been loved or cared about and beaten and basically destroyed as a child than going home and knowing my own mother didn't want me or love me enough or care enough. so I often just say that it would have been better just to leave us there. And unfortunately, that's not what happened. And the courts allowed my parents to take us back, get us back. And that was one of the biggest mistakes.
Matt Darrah (08:06)
it.
Deanna Culver (08:21)
the state made and I'm talking about Illinois. I'm not talking about Wisconsin. We were in foster care in Illinois and. And so that to me was the biggest mistake the state made by giving us back. And who knows where I would have been though, you know, I mean in foster care it it can be a positive. It could be ⁓ not so good experience for any child, no matter what age. It's a scary time. But
Matt Darrah (08:50)
Mm-hmm.
Deanna Culver (08:51)
I would have rather have stayed because just hearing and seeing and feeling and knowing everything my mother felt towards me. It hurts more knowing my own mother. It's better to know that somebody else, you know, can treat you like that as a grown up when you're a child because you don't really have too much invested in it. But when it's your own mother.
Matt Darrah (09:05)
Right.
Deanna Culver (09:20)
And that's the hardest reality.
And she wasn't healthy.
Matt Darrah (09:22)
So what brought you guys?
Yeah, clearly. do you? Yeah. Well, then that's what, you know, there's this cycle, right? ⁓ Where, you know.
Deanna Culver (09:26)
She definitely wasn't healthy, so.
Yes.
Matt Darrah (09:36)
people that have been abused and turn around and abuse. And that's why it's so difficult to break out of that. And so it takes a devoted, courageous person to say, I am not gonna do that. I'm not gonna be that way. And that's just.
Deanna Culver (09:59)
I know my
ah ah moment is what they say ah ah moment or haha moment or know my exact moment when I said those words that I was never going to do onto my children was that was done onto me was when my mother had me in her bedroom closet and she was beating on me and I was pregnant and she called me every name in the book. She threatened to
Matt Darrah (10:05)
Mm-hmm. Yeah.
Deanna Culver (10:26)
This is intense, I'm sorry, but it's there. She's threatened to stick a coat hanger up me to kill my child, I was at the time. And so while I was in this dark closet with my mother over my head, yelling and screaming and kicking and trying to hit me, I'm blocking my stomach so that she wouldn't hurt my child that I was carrying. I looked up into the air, into the closet. I just looked up into the air like, God, please, if for any reason you can get me out of this.
Matt Darrah (10:33)
my
you
Peace.
Yeah.
Deanna Culver (10:55)
and help save my child, promise I will never do unto my children what has ever been done unto me by anybody. And so I worked extremely hard as a single parent. I had gotten divorced and then as a single parent, I worked extremely hard to make sure that I didn't do unto them. However, I know I made a lot of mistakes because I didn't know anything about being a parent. I was 16 and pregnant and I had gotten married and
Matt Darrah (11:21)
there.
Deanna Culver (11:23)
my marriage was abusive in every way. So I ended up having to escape and leave with my child. And I had to learn a lot. And back then, we didn't have the cell phones, the internet to research things or ask for help from anybody. So my outlet was the library. So I learned basically how to be a parent through books and also by just mistakes in praying to God that
He could guide me because I know I made a lot of mistakes with my children. But I can always say with all of my heart that I never beat on them. I never destroyed them so bad that they would think that I didn't love them or I disliked them or I wish they weren't here because God forbid, I can't imagine doing that to my children. So that was my aha moment. It was in the closet when I swore I would never, ever.
ever do that because I'm not a perfect parent, never was, never will be, never pretended to be. And my kids know this and I've made some mistakes like yelling and getting upset and saying some things that I didn't mean to say, but it wasn't demeaning to them. wasn't destroying them as a human being. But some of the words that did come out of my mouth were not always the greatest. And I will keep apologizing until the day I'm gone.
Matt Darrah (12:29)
soon.
Yeah, right.
Deanna Culver (12:48)
because they all know that without them, I wouldn't be here. love them so much. they know their grandmother, they know her, and it wasn't healthy for them as grandchildren to be around her. so they didn't have a relationship. And then with my dad, they finally had a relationship with him the last two years of his life too, because they weren't allowed to either. So big humongous up and down.
Matt Darrah (13:13)
Hmm.
Deanna Culver (13:16)
roller coasters struggle, but through it all there is always, always ways for improvement. And, and that's my main thing is even if people don't think they have it in them, they do. It's, there's always a way to find out what can I do to change, you know, the situation, even if it takes me a day, a week, a month, a year, somehow you can just keep working forward to keep improving yourself because in the end,
It's going to be yourself that's going look back and say, hey, did you even attempt to try? Did you try? Did you fix things and make things? And if you didn't, at least you tried.
Matt Darrah (13:57)
Yeah. So you talked about hearing the Ten Commandments when you were a kid, and that had a big impact on you. Can you talk about that?
Deanna Culver (14:09)
Yeah, I was in 5th grade at Saint Isadore school, Catholic school in Illinois, and I think it was in Barrington or somewhere around Barrington in my Hanover Park, and. My teacher was Mrs Nancy Nagia. And when we go to church, I'd hear that the 10 commandments I hear beautiful songs we'd seen and just. I mean, I couldn't.
quote you right now and say all that stuff because I don't remember all the things I learned in in Catholic school. But I just started thinking and learning and realizing that as a kid, you know, fifth grade that OK, something's not right. This is not normal, ⁓ but yet. I thought it was normal, you know the way I was living and as I got older and realized. That.
I have carried my mother's burdens, her depression, her addiction to prescription medication, her doubts and her sadness and her anger and everything that she had been as a human being, a woman, as a mother. I carried everything on my shoulders thinking that if I did something better or right or didn't make a mistake, would I be loved? Would I be taken care of?
And looked at differently, but going through the Ten Commandments and church and singing and all that is like as an adult, I realized that I carried all this for what? For what I've carried it all and I have internally. Beaten myself up in in doubt in myself and. Did so much damage to myself thinking. That.
I was, you know, no good and taking on all her stuff wasn't mine to take, wasn't mine to take care of or fix or redo or, or anything was on her. And I am 56 now and it's only taken me the last six years to start realizing, and especially since she passed away in 2020 that she was.
Matt Darrah (16:11)
Yeah.
Deanna Culver (16:31)
sick and didn't get help. And back then, I guess from what my mother and father would say is, you know, what stays in the house stays in house. Nobody's business doesn't go out of the house. And you know what? It's not true, but that's how they thought. And I, know, so I took on so much because I wanted to be better and I wanted to be a good kid and a better daughter. And, and so I hardly ever said no to my parents if they needed anything. They knew they can count on me.
Matt Darrah (16:39)
Right.
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
Deanna Culver (17:00)
The last
couple of years of my dad's life, I was there nonstop whenever he called or wanted to do something or he needed anything. The last couple of years of my mother's life, I was there for her, even though it was the hardest thing to do. I had to be there for her so that I, as a daughter, honestly say that I kept trying. And although I searched high and low for apologies from her,
She said one day in her office in her computer room, which was kind of like her office. don't know. but she didn't work outside of home or anything or inside the home. It's just a little spot that she called her office. Anyways, I asked her, you know, if this was a time when you were knowing that you were going to pass away, would you look at any of your children and apologize for anything you did or said or didn't do and
she said, no, I have nothing to apologize for. I did everything I was supposed to as a mother. And I'm like, okay, there's my answer. However, I still kept trying the last couple of years of her life. I still kept trying and it just never happened. So.
Matt Darrah (17:59)
Peace.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Deanna Culver (18:10)
As I struggle with her being gone, I have yet to grieve in the last, oh gosh, it's three years already. It'll be three years this year. I haven't really cried it off for her. haven't, I haven't anything. I don't feel really anything except for sorrow and, and that she couldn't see her way through. And I know a lot of the things she was struggling with, cause she did say a lot of things when we were growing up and
The more I knew her towards the last couple years of her life, talking with her, she was in pain. She was hurting. She was sad, depressed, and highly medicated on prescription medication and couldn't find her way. And although that's not an excuse in my book, it's not an excuse to treat your children that way. I also look at her as a human being. She's a human being. She
Matt Darrah (19:04)
Mm-hmm.
Deanna Culver (19:09)
was born for a reason and whether she lived that path in a good way or not, that wasn't up to me to decide and I can't keep carrying it for her. So as I go these years without her, I'm eventually going to have to, for myself, heal and grieve and figure this out because I can't continue carrying the weight of my mother on my shoulders. And I'm starting to, I really am, I'm starting to realize I can't.
Matt Darrah (19:34)
Yeah.
Deanna Culver (19:37)
you know, and why did I carry it for so long? Why? did I? But you don't realize you are. You really don't realize you are. You know, so so the 10th, everything that I learned and still learn about myself and God in the Bible in life in general in human beings. Because I'm a mental health advocate, I am.
Matt Darrah (19:40)
Right.
No, no, yeah.
Deanna Culver (20:02)
a alternatives to suicide facilitator. I'm a certified peer specialist. I volunteer. I do a lot. So I've learned a lot about my own mental health. I've learned a lot about my own children's and grandchildren's mental health. I've learned about individuals, people's struggles. And that's because I've been working really hard since like, I don't know, 2014 when I graduated with an associate degree in mental health and domestic violence. I'm like,
something's got to change. I've got to figure this out so I know how to take care of my own mental health. And so I've gotten to the point where I've been able to understand more, learn more. And although people may not agree with me, I do have to say that my mother was sick and she was hurting and didn't know how to reach out. And do I give her credit for anything? Yeah, for giving birth to me and my twin sister.
Matt Darrah (20:33)
Mm. Yeah.
Deanna Culver (20:59)
and for doing what she could as a mother and a wife in the beginning. However, something snapped, something went wrong. I did mention I had a twin sister. She passed away at three days old. So the loss of a child and my brother, my mother's, my brother had passed away too while she was giving birth. So those are some traumatic things that she never got counseling for.
Matt Darrah (21:24)
Mm.
Yeah.
Deanna Culver (21:29)
She didn't heal
from, she didn't look out outward. So I'm sure there's a lot more that I don't know about her, understand about her, and I'll never know because she's no longer here and there's nobody on her side of the family to help me understand. Yet, it's not an excuse for what she did to us, but it is something that I have to feel comfortable in saying that she was still a human being. And if she had known better or gotten the help she needed, she could have been better.
Matt Darrah (21:44)
Mm-hmm.
Deanna Culver (21:59)
for herself and her family. And so I'm just learning how not to carry it. And it's still gonna take me a long time. It's not just gonna happen just because I realized, you know, in 2014, all this stuff, it's not gonna happen just because she passed away a couple of years ago. This is a long road for me. And hopefully I'll get to a point where I can finally say the forgiveness to her and hope that she's okay.
Matt Darrah (22:09)
Right.
Deanna Culver (22:27)
resting peacefully and she's made her amends with God and anything else she needs to do. And, you know, depending on how everybody views God or not, I mean, for myself, I have to believe that there's something higher power than myself because I turn to God and I beg and I ask and I talk and I wish and I hope and I get mad and I get uncertainties about God and up and down the roller coaster thing. But
In the end, I don't have to hold my mother's stuff. I don't have to be who she was. I don't have to make excuses for her. I don't have to be that child that's trying to be that good child when really all kids are good. There's no reason that people in general would think that they're not. Even if we're raised in a horrible situation, we can still be good people.
Matt Darrah (23:25)
Yeah.
Deanna Culver (23:26)
It takes a lot.
Matt Darrah (23:27)
Yeah, there's definitely hope.
Deanna Culver (23:28)
Yeah, it takes a lot of work though. I won't pretend that it doesn't, but it's an everyday thing to have to do. So I think that kind of answered the question. At least I hope so.
Matt Darrah (23:39)
Yeah, yeah, no,
absolutely. So let's talk about going into foster care, right? So there were some things happening at home, and so you and you have some siblings that were all removed at the same time.
Deanna Culver (23:59)
Yeah, two other. I have three other sibling, three other sisters. However, one wasn't born yet at that time when we me my other two sisters went into foster care, so she has no idea of the experiences or what we went through and she was treated totally different than the other all three of us. She the youngest one was treated totally different and. That's not on her. That's something that we just saw growing up in.
Matt Darrah (24:13)
Right?
you
Deanna Culver (24:28)
I'm thankful she didn't have to experience the foster care system that we were in. And so, yeah, it was a tough transition. But like I said in the beginning, I would have rather have stayed than been put back with him. However, the things that I learned and saw in foster care back in the 70s, it wasn't
Matt Darrah (24:34)
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
Deanna Culver (24:57)
that it was accepted. It's just, I didn't know any different, you know, and I'm sure there were probably a handful or more children seen it the same way I did or many other homes that were very positive and helpful. Like the ones that I were in the tube that I was in and my sisters, no, it wasn't, it wasn't really a safe place, but it was all we had, all we knew.
Matt Darrah (25:00)
Yeah, sure.
Yeah.
So you talked about the ivory soap memory. Talk to us about that.
Deanna Culver (25:27)
I
cannot stand the smell of ivory soap because it just makes me remember the social worker smell. It's like she must have showered with ivory soap because that's what I smelled when meeting with her, meeting her in going. So that smell, I'm just, nah, that's okay. Ivory could keep ivory soap because I don't care for it.
Matt Darrah (25:32)
Yeah.
Yeah.
Deanna Culver (25:57)
⁓ But as a kid, that's what I remember is ivory soap, the smell and, and you just remember certain things, you know, by seeing or smelling or touching and.
Matt Darrah (26:02)
Mm.
Yeah. Yeah,
you get this association memory and then it's just, yeah.
Deanna Culver (26:12)
Yeah, yeah. so ivory soap is one of them. And yeah, so it's, it's not anything like out there like, wow, you know, ivory soap, it's ivory soap is not in a bad thing. Just for me, that's what I associate the social worker with, you know, and even my parents, you know, and then that's, that's basically it with that. So I've never used ivory soap ever because of that.
Matt Darrah (26:31)
Mm-mm.
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, like I said, we get those ingrained memories and then, know, and they say that the sense of smell is the strongest, ⁓ it brings memory the strongest. ⁓ And so, ⁓ so yeah, I can definitely see the kind of that association there. So what was it?
Deanna Culver (26:44)
Yeah.
Yes.
Yeah. Sorry, ivory soap.
Matt Darrah (27:14)
What do you remember most about the day that you guys came into care?
Deanna Culver (27:21)
think the only thing I really remember is the ivory soap and not understanding why we were being taken away, crying and wishing that my parents would say, wait a minute, there's something wrong, you and you can't take them or whatever happened with their, you know, reactions or whatever. I just remember wishing that we didn't have to go away and wishing that somebody would talk to us.
Matt Darrah (27:29)
Mm.
Deanna Culver (27:51)
without treating us like kids. I mean, we were kids, but at least explain things better to us because it's a scary, scary time to be uprooted from what you knew into strangers homes and looking at them as adults and being like, wait a minute, now this is my life? How do I go about it? Who do I trust? Who do I look to if I have questions? Who do I believe in?
Matt Darrah (27:57)
Yeah, sure.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Deanna Culver (28:19)
Are they going to even like me? Are they going to even accept me? Am I just somebody that's invisible or am I going to be, you know, ever returned to my parents? Why is this happening? And, you know, unfortunately those are a lot of the same feelings a lot of kids feel, but it's if I could say it to any of the children out there, it's not on you. It is not you. It is not your decisions that made you go there or.
Matt Darrah (28:30)
Yeah, sure.
Yeah.
Deanna Culver (28:47)
or anything, it's, we're kids, we don't know any different. And the human brain doesn't develop until we're like 25, 26. mean, so everything that you learned before 25 and 26, it's just, it's a process. And so it's something that being taken was hard and then losing the grip on my mother's hand and not sure. I don't even remember what my sisters were doing.
Matt Darrah (28:51)
Yeah.
Mm-hmm.
Deanna Culver (29:15)
At the time we were all being taken away. I just know that in my mind I'm in this big humongous world and I'm this little tiny black dot just sitting right there. Not knowing if I'm going to be erased or if I'm going to be made a bigger black dot or am I just going to be put you know on a piece of paper and crumbled up and thrown away because I mean nothing. And.
Matt Darrah (29:17)
Sure. Yeah.
you
Deanna Culver (29:44)
As a kid, your mind just go to all these different scenarios of what if and how and why and who and and you know things like that. It just just feel like invisible.
and that everything's your fault and you did something wrong to be in that situation when in all reality it's not on us as kids and we shouldn't have to carry that.
Matt Darrah (29:56)
Hmm.
Yeah, absolutely.
Mm.
So how do you think that this instability in connection with adults, know, relationship, how do you think it affected your ability to like attach properly, to have relationship with people?
Deanna Culver (30:29)
Well, I think for myself, the hardest, one of the hardest things because I didn't know what a healthy relationship was. I didn't know what a parent-child relationship was. I didn't understand anything about adults around me because I didn't have the positive part. had the not so good part that made it hard to attach.
Matt Darrah (30:42)
Hmm, yeah.
Deanna Culver (30:55)
to anybody without feeling like I owed them something or I had to prove something or I had to be something else or someone else. So I had to work extra hard or I couldn't say no and everything that I did was looked at as the biggest mistake I could ever make or that trying wasn't good enough or anything. And so just by way of the way I grew up in all scenarios between my parents and foster care.
Matt Darrah (31:00)
Mm.
Deanna Culver (31:25)
It's taken me 56 years. I'm still working on having some kind of healthier relationship with other people because there's a part of me that, and I'm not sure if it makes sense to anybody else, but in my mind it makes sense that I feel divided. Part of me is a child and part of me is an adult. The child in me hadn't had a chance and
was destroyed so badly. my mother used to always tell me, wish you were dead and never born. I don't like you and I wish your twin sister was alive. And she always accused me of killing my twin sister. And I believe I killed my twin sister. I really did until I was 19 years old. When I was 19 years old and was doing research at the library, I realized I didn't kill my twin sister. My twin sister was three days old when she
Matt Darrah (32:02)
Mmm.
Right.
Deanna Culver (32:23)
passed away and her heart was underdeveloped. She was two pounds. I was two pounds. My lungs were underdeveloped. So the doctors told my parents to take me home and let me die because there was nothing else they could do for me. So how I survived in my twin, I don't completely understand, but I tried to accept it as maybe God had a way of
Matt Darrah (32:33)
Yeah.
too.
Deanna Culver (32:52)
doing it that way because maybe she wouldn't have been able to handle any of the things that we went through. Maybe she could have. I don't know. I'm just saying in my mind that do I wish Cynthia was around? That was my twin sister's name. ⁓ heck yes. I would have loved to have been a twin and done things and everything that twins do. And I missed that opportunity because she passed away. do, and I don't completely understand.
Matt Darrah (33:03)
Mm-hmm.
Yeah, sure.
Yeah.
Deanna Culver (33:21)
the physical body parts of, you know, why it happens and things. Yet it did happen. And so I'm thankful she didn't have to experience.
Being hurt like I was being destroyed being told horrible, horrible things about yourself and living through life, wondering who you are and what you are and where you're going in and why and do you even belong here? My last suicide attempt was in 2015 and I promised God because when I make promises, I keep my promises. I promised God in 2015 I'd never attempt again and I haven't. ⁓
Matt Darrah (33:37)
Yeah.
Deanna Culver (34:03)
But it doesn't mean that I don't struggle and it doesn't mean that I don't have to work extra hard to help myself because there's times that I have suicidal ideations and where I think of a plan and I want to do it. But then I stop and I'm like, okay, I promise God I've got children, I've got grandchildren. I've got some reason that God has put me here and I will figure it out as I go along.
Matt Darrah (34:16)
Mm-hmm.
Mm. Yeah.
Mm.
Deanna Culver (34:31)
You know,
so maybe my twin sister may not have been able to. I don't know. Maybe she could have. Maybe it was me that would have died and then maybe. But then I can't fathom thinking that she should have been put through the same thing. She shouldn't know child should. But to think of her and my brother David. No. They. There there where they need to be with God and they didn't have to experience that and.
It's kind of hard to understand in a way because they deserve to live too. They deserved a life. They deserved so much too and happiness and everything. Every single human being out there deserves some.
happiness, love, care, support, and self worth of themselves to understand. And the ones that have passed away for whatever reasons deserved it too, deserved it too. And yet here we are and we have to go on with life and try to figure things out for ourselves. so in my heart, it was probably...
I can't say the best thing to happen to where she passed away because she didn't have to go through anything like that. Because in a way I feel selfish saying that, but she didn't have to. And my brother didn't have to and. And that I think is where I can live with myself, but the fact that my mother destroyed me and thinking that I killed my sister and I shouldn't be born and she wished I was dead. It's it's stuck with me so long.
Matt Darrah (35:45)
Mm.
you
here. Yeah.
Deanna Culver (36:09)
And like I said, my mother didn't get the help she needed. And I'm learning to not hold all that stuff. It's still take a while, but I'm still learning. And yeah, that's a hard, hard one. You know, I really wish she would have gotten help. And the more I learned about my own mental health and my kids and my grandkids and people in general, the more I looked at my mother differently.
Matt Darrah (36:22)
Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
Deanna Culver (36:37)
⁓ cause I used to think horrible things because she would say things in, and I would be like, I love her, but I don't love her. And she's my mother, she's my mom. And there's a lot of times I just said mother because moms don't do that, you know, to their children. And, but then I think back and I think of my own journey and I'm like, she was sick. She needed help.
Matt Darrah (36:47)
Mm.
Yeah.
Deanna Culver (37:05)
It wasn't available for her because she didn't look for it. And back then there wasn't as much help or much knowledge as there is nowadays. So if I could say anything to people, don't stop learning about yourself and the people around you and don't stop giving yourself a second chance, a third chance to get it not necessarily right, but the best possible fit for yourself to be able to be happy with what you're doing in life.
Matt Darrah (37:14)
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Hmm.
Deanna Culver (37:36)
And
so I do feel sorry for my mother in a lot of ways, but I also realize I can't take it. You know, I can't hold it on my shoulders anymore, you know? And now that she's gone, she's not in pain anymore. She's not hurting anymore. She's not sad anymore. She's not, you know, going like this and at the kitchen table because she's, you know, drug dump on prescription meds. She's, she's, you know, she doesn't have to deal with any of that anymore. She, she can rest in peace.
Matt Darrah (37:46)
Yeah.
Deanna Culver (38:06)
you know, if anything, and I'm hoping she did make peace with God and worked out things because she had a journey herself to have to accomplish for herself to find her way.
Matt Darrah (38:19)
Yeah. You said that you learned to pack hope away before it could be taken. What does that mean for you?
Deanna Culver (38:29)
wow. So hope to me nowadays is there's always hope to improve. There's always hope to change things and make things happen. And there is a life. There's beauty in the world. There's positivity. There's I am usually a positive person, you know? And so when I was younger, hope was not anywhere around. There was no hope of me getting out from underneath my parents.
Matt Darrah (38:53)
Yeah.
Deanna Culver (38:57)
or especially my mother's hands, or there was no hope of the end of being beaten or the end of being told you're stupid and ugly and fat and I wish you were never born. There was no hope of never hearing those words again. So as I grew older, just things I just kind of pack away and with me because I'm like, in a way it's kind of like I don't want anybody to take what I am starting to believe in.
Matt Darrah (39:13)
Yeah.
Deanna Culver (39:25)
myself. I don't want people to take away the things that I work hard for because as a kid you wish on hope that, my god, I wish, I hope my parents will come and get me or I hope that my mom won't hit me today or I hope that I go home and she's not going to yell at me because I wasn't home in time from school or I didn't clean up some. I hope that I can be just invisible so that she doesn't realize
That I'm hurting right, you know so getting older. It's kind of like yeah, I'm hoping for everything to work out for myself. I'm hoping other people can find their way. I'm hoping other people will journey along in and take themselves not too serious, but serious enough to realize you matter and and you don't have to be what your parents were.
Matt Darrah (39:56)
Mmm.
Deanna Culver (40:21)
or anybody else for that matter that may have destroyed you in some way, or form, whether it be parents, grandparents, family members, not family members, exes, anybody. So packing it away, I lived to finally be able to find hope somewhere. And my hope was growing up that one day I would be a decent human being.
Matt Darrah (40:42)
Yeah.
Deanna Culver (40:49)
and loving parents and role model for my children. And that I would. Hope for others to never have to experience. The damage that had been done on to me, my siblings. Yet I can't control everybody. can't control anybody else's life. I can't fix everybody. I can't do everything for everybody. I understand that it took me a long time to realize that because I always wanted to help help help and I still do, but I've gotten to a point.
Matt Darrah (41:17)
Yeah, sure.
Deanna Culver (41:19)
point where I know that for my hope to work. It's the next day, so I often also say the same and I do photography for nature and I write on my pictures. And in my poetry book that I published, it says make today better than yesterday and tomorrow better than today. And the reason why I say that is because you can't change yesterday, but you can heal from yesterday.
Today, you may be healing and living on hope and trying to fix things and all that. And you don't necessarily have to look towards the future because you have to live in the present, yet sometimes looking at, okay, what can I do tomorrow? Then I made a mistake today about how can I fix that? So tomorrow it doesn't happen again, or tomorrow is better than today because we're all gonna have not so good days. We're all gonna be self-doubting ourselves. all, you know, we're human beings. So.
Matt Darrah (42:14)
Yeah.
Deanna Culver (42:16)
That is a saying, you know, that I live by, you know, make today better than yesterday and tomorrow better than today so that there's hope right there.
Matt Darrah (42:26)
Yeah, yeah. So talk to a foster parent who's fostering right now that you wish that they understood about a kiddo that's coming to their home that's really guarded or distant. What do you think? How do you communicate to them? What would you tell them?
Deanna Culver (42:27)
Yeah.
Well, first I would say thank you for taking part of your life out to help a child in need. Thank you for not being selfish and thank you for opening your homes and hearts to the children that need some sort of support, guidance, love, care, understanding, because it's not an easy, you know, position to put yourself in.
Matt Darrah (43:00)
Mm.
Deanna Culver (43:21)
And it's something that you have to think really hard about to be able to open your home to somebody else's child. Yet as a child, it's the scariest thing because you're being taken away from what you know and who you know, unsure of the surroundings and certain if you're going to go back to your parents or not, rather it's a healthy environment or not. And you're all strangers to the children.
Matt Darrah (43:28)
Hmm.
Hmm.
Deanna Culver (43:52)
And
to look at a child, try to be on their level when you're talking to them and not above them because they are scared enough and terrified of what's to happen or not happen. They don't know which direction they're going in, which door is open or which one's going to close. They don't know when their next meal is going to be, if they're going to have clean clothes, if they're going to be treated respectfully or not, if they're going to even be a child at all.
Matt Darrah (44:15)
Hmm.
Yeah. Yeah.
Deanna Culver (44:22)
And so
I would have to just say to go on the child's level when you first meet them and say, what can I do to help you in this moment moving forward to make this transition beneficial for you as well as the whole environment that you're going to be living in? then after that,
Matt Darrah (44:46)
Mm.
Deanna Culver (44:48)
first moment, then start working together with the child to make it comfortable for them. Definitely ask them all the time how they're doing. Don't be too hard on them because they're children for one. And we as adults have to remember when we were kids on what our mind was or our uncertainties or not knowing the answers that these are children too that are looking to you as adults.
Matt Darrah (45:12)
Mm.
Deanna Culver (45:14)
to say, it's going to be okay, even if it's for a day or a week or a month or a year that you're staying with me, it will be okay, you can trust me. I will prove to you that you can trust me because I know trust is a hard one, but I will support you and guide you and help lead you in a direction where you will not have to go to bed wondering if you're even wanted here or if you really accept it in.
Matt Darrah (45:39)
Yeah.
Deanna Culver (45:41)
And just treat them like you would want yourself to be treated if you were a child again. And then if you have children of your own, look at your own children and kind of put the foster children in that. In that same scenario of wow, how would I want to my children or how would I want somebody to treat me as a kid if I had come into this home? And give them a chance because. They're going to be either. OK.
Matt Darrah (45:44)
Thank you.
Yeah. ⁓
Deanna Culver (46:09)
right away or they're going to be a mess right away, but it's going to be scary and they're just going to need you to say it's going to be OK and that you're there and they can trust you and it's an earned trust. It's not something that's just granted. And kids have to be taught. And in shown how. An adult should act and react and be around them and. If they go into a home.
Matt Darrah (46:23)
Yeah.
Mm.
Deanna Culver (46:35)
and nothing said really or you've got a house full of kids that are not your own and you're trying to take care of them. Each of those children are their own human being, their own individualities will come through and no child is bad, no child is wrong in the sense of acting out or anything. It's a mechanism of fear and uncertainty and terror and self-doubt and uncertainty of if you're even loved or cared about.
Matt Darrah (46:48)
Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
Deanna Culver (47:05)
Open that door with open arms, maybe not literally, but open them with a way of inviting these children in so that they have a place to call home for as long as they have you for your environment as a home and lead them. Lead them in the best possible way you can. And if you don't have the answers, keep seeking them to to help them.
Matt Darrah (47:22)
Hmm.
Deanna Culver (47:32)
as well as yourself. And the other thing is take care of yourself too as foster parents because as children see everything and hear everything and children are not dumb. They understand in more ways than we think. They may not at the moment be able to express themselves, but eventually they will be able to express themselves if they know that they are.
Matt Darrah (47:37)
Yeah.
Deanna Culver (48:00)
capable of trusting you because you've opened that door for them and you haven't shut the window. You've opened that window. You opened the curtains. You've invited them to your table. You've walked with them hand in hand or arm in arm or just hip by hip or whatever. You're doing what you need to so these children can trust in you. But along the way you have to take care of yourself as foster parents and parents in general, people in general. You have to secure yourself too in the process because kids are watching. Kids are watching.
Matt Darrah (48:02)
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
Mm.
Yeah.
Yeah, for sure. Yeah.
What do you think would have helped you feel safe fairly quickly into these new homes?
Deanna Culver (48:39)
I would have to say what I mentioned. There was really no talking much or interest in what we were doing. was like a routine of just get up and eat and get dressed and off to school or in the summer, get up, get dressed and outside and do chores and behave and not be considered the child that
is a problem child or anything but be kind of. It was hard because it was kind of like not wanting to be seen because I don't want these people to think I'm a bad kid or I don't want these people to think you know why did I even bother opening my door to this child or or what was I thinking? I I thought that if I was invisible and just lived on hope.
Matt Darrah (49:19)
Yeah.
Mm.
Deanna Culver (49:30)
that eventually, you know, things would work out, but hope wasn't there. I had to pack it away. I was like that little black dot. I tried to make myself invisible. And so it was hard. It was very hard and scary, extremely scary.
Matt Darrah (49:41)
Yeah.
Deanna Culver (49:48)
Yet I'm here today to, you know, and I did mention that there's another thing that brings me back all the time to foster care is burnt toast. My, foster mother for breakfast would make toast and unfortunately it would burn all the time. Why? I don't know. I always thought maybe it was a punishment or something, but I don't know. But I would s-
Matt Darrah (49:49)
No doubt.
Mm.
Deanna Culver (50:15)
smother peanut butter on it to help wash it down. I would drink a lot of water, I would, but that smell of burnt toast, that's what we had for breakfast. Either some eggs or some cereal, but burnt toast was huge for me. as the day is long, if I smell burnt toast, it brings me right back to the terror of being a child and foster care. And those little Kellogg's
cereal boxes. We always had those at school, so I was so excited to run to school to be able to get at least one of those boxes that you open the box and pour the milk in the box and then and eat fast so you can get to class. And so I don't really buy those anymore because whenever I have I sit there and it just brings back memories of sitting in the school cafeteria after leaving the foster home. Going to school.
Matt Darrah (50:47)
Yeah.
Mm-hmm.
you
Deanna Culver (51:14)
You know, there's some things that still bring me back and that's where your senses and your touch and your eyes and just your brain is, it's there. It's there, so.
Matt Darrah (51:26)
Yeah.
What do you think helped you the most? Trying to work through the trauma, the healing. What helped you the most?
Deanna Culver (51:41)
First off, my children and grandchildren, especially my children because...
They have taught me so much. They have taught me so much about how being a child, they have taught me how, how it is to be their mom. And they've taught me that mistakes are going to be made and it's okay. They've taught me that on my bad days that I wasn't the worst mom, but I could improve and work at it. So I think just my children in realizing that I was doing
everything possible for my mother and trying to prove to her that I was a good kid. And you know what? I shouldn't have had to prove anything. I was a kid and so what? So watching my own children, I'm like. Thank God. That God was listening to me because I didn't beat on my kids and I may have made a mistake with each of my children one time. Each of my children one incident in all honesty.
Matt Darrah (52:21)
Yeah, right.
Deanna Culver (52:41)
I slapped one of my children across the face and I stopped immediately because I saw my mother in me and I backed away and I apologized. I held her. I cried. I was so, so mad at myself that I let my upsetness get the better of me for whatever reason it was at that time. And I never did it again to her, but I still to this day feel bad. And then my other child, my other one of my other children,
Matt Darrah (52:46)
Hmm.
Right.
Mm.
Yeah.
Deanna Culver (53:11)
I tossed her onto the couch and I feel horrible still to this day about this. She was a kid, you know, and here I am trying to fight not being my mother because like I said, it was a struggle every day to just keep going and fighting and being somebody that I wasn't taught how to be. You know, I didn't, I didn't want to be my mother. So I was working very hard every day to not be her. And
Matt Darrah (53:35)
Hmm.
Yeah.
Deanna Culver (53:40)
And so when those incidents happened. I immediately it just took me back within not even 30 seconds of realizing what I just did to my child and oh my God, it tore me apart. It made me fearful. I'm like, oh my God, it can't be my mother. Do not do this to your children. They will have the same outcome. If you turn into your mother, you can't. You gotta work hard to not, you know, and. Those are some mistakes that I have to live with because.
Matt Darrah (53:52)
Yes.
Yeah.
Deanna Culver (54:09)
Wow, I can't believe I did that. But it was the one mistakes with them that I had learned. Keep fighting, keep going. You got it. Just, you know, realize what you're doing. And that's the thing with statistics and stigma and all that, that the way you grow up and everything is who you're going to be and what you're going to be and that's all you know. And in reality, we all can change, we all can improve, we all can make things better.
Matt Darrah (54:18)
Mm.
Yeah.
Deanna Culver (54:36)
We all can learn from
our mistakes and apologize and do what we need to do to fix the situation. And although I'm not perfect at anything, I can say that I'm still a work in progress. It's still going forward. And, and I believe every single child, no matter who you are, where you are, deserves love, patient understanding, support, guidance, help.
Matt Darrah (54:49)
Yeah, sure.
Hmm.
Deanna Culver (55:04)
And just to have somebody listen to them from their point of view, not from our point of view as adults, but the point of view of the children and where they're coming from, because every single one of us were children, you know, once upon a time. So if we can just look back and say, hey, what would I want to tell this child? How would I want to teach the child? How do I want to support this child? Am I really stopping and listening to the child? And I think that we all, you know,
Matt Darrah (55:17)
Mmm.
Deanna Culver (55:34)
Or generally good people. Just there is mistakes that take us apart and throw us backwards and and all that. But we can keep moving forward and being good kind human beings and the children need that. Rather, you're their parent or not. They need that. I'm a substitute teacher too and I see it all the time in the schools. We really need to work a lot on helping each other to help these children because. That's tough.
Matt Darrah (55:46)
Yes. Yeah.
Mm.
Deanna Culver (56:03)
Nothing is easy. It's tough. I've never been told anything was easy. It's just, I've heard people say it and it's, you know, it's tough. Life is hard. And our children are looking to us to make things better in one way or shape or form so that they have a chance at becoming adults.
Matt Darrah (56:05)
Hmm.
Okay.
Yeah.
Wow, Deanna. Man, I really appreciate you just sharing. I man, just a powerful story. But I really feel like weaved through out of all the things that you've been through, that there is hope, there is healing.
that can happen. ⁓ We got to do the work. But healing is possible. Forgiveness is possible.
Deanna Culver (56:55)
Right.
Yes, yes. I've forgiven my dad. I'm honestly saying I haven't forgiven my mother yet and I'm hoping to get there. There's that word hope again. I am hoping to get there. Maybe not necessarily for herself, but for myself and I try very hard to be a role model for my children so they understand that we're all going to make mistakes and you know what? You never stop learning. You never stop trying. Doesn't matter if you're one or if you're 100, you just.
Matt Darrah (57:02)
Mm.
Yeah.
Deanna Culver (57:24)
keep trying, keep working at it. Nothing is just going to be handed to you and say, ⁓ you're a great, perfect person and you can live your life and there's going to be nothing wrong. That is not reality. Reality is we all are just human. We all have feelings, thoughts, and it's how we react to things and what we can do to help ourselves. And you know what? Research. Go out and ask.
And don't stop asking until you know that you feel comfortable with what the answer is. Because it's you that is responsible for yourself. And I'm still learning. I'm going to learn until I'm gone. You know, we all are. And I'm still healing. So having me on your show is, I appreciate it. I'm thankful that I could share part of my story. I hope that in some way, shape, or form, I was able to help another human being understand.
Matt Darrah (57:50)
Mm.
Yeah. Yeah.
you
Deanna Culver (58:18)
what it's like to one, be the child, but also understand as an adult that we're just adults. adults. We're, you know, we're human too, but don't stop believing in what is possible in healing and fixing things and realizing we all make mistakes and it's okay to make those mistakes as long as we keep learning from those mistakes and improving and talk.
Matt Darrah (58:24)
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
sure.
Yeah. Mm-hmm.
Deanna Culver (58:47)
Talk, talk, talk,
talk about your stories. Talk about your thoughts and feelings and what you'd like to see changed in the world and how you can help another human being along the way.
Matt Darrah (59:01)
Yeah, yeah, sure Well guys, thank you for tuning in guys You know, we provide placement packages to kiddos coming into foster care all over the 26 counties of the panhandle and And then we started this podcast. Like I said, it's been right out of year and you know part part of the goal is to Have foster and adoptive parents get on and share their stories and their experiences
and have kiddos that were in the foster care system who are now adults that kind of grew up in that so we can as a community we can understand more what they're what kiddos are going through and then you know and then some resources that are out there for foster and adoptive families and kiddos and so I appreciate you guys tuning in. You know we're a non-profit and non-profits
require funding to survive. so, you if you want to check out, go to our website, panhandleorphan.org slash donation. You can set up a monthly gift there. $100 a month buys us one. All the clothes we need for one placement package, $50 buys us case of wipes, and then $10 buys us an outfit each month. And so, you know, if that's on your heart, think about that. Go to our website, panhandleorphan.org/donation.
Guys make sure to like, share and subscribe and do all the things we want more and more people to hear what we've, the folks that we have on here and raise awareness for kiddos in foster care and then the foster and adoptive families that bring them into their homes. So Deanna, thank you again for coming on and guys, thanks for tuning in and we'll catch you guys next week.
Deanna Culver (1:00:47)
Thank
Thank you. Thank you everybody. Take care.
Matt Darrah (1:00:51)
Yep.
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