Single, Not Alone: Saying Yes to Foster Care Part 2

https://youtu.be/HxfHqG7Q3Hk

Panhandle Orphan Care Network (00:00)

what do you tell her? What do I tell her? there's a lot of things I wish I could go back and tell my

eighteen year old self.

think I would tell her just to do it. Take the plunge. do it afraid. Do it even when people think you shouldn't.

This version of Abby might be my favorite so far because, like it's truly a like this is what I'm doing. Like if you think it's cool, great, like let's go. But if you don't, like I don't need that in my life. So take it over there.

Hello and welcome to All Things Foster, a place for coffee, connection, and community. I'm really, really excited. We've got a couple of ladies who are gonna come talk to us about their experiences in foster care. before we get to them though, our our episode sponsor this week is Robin Ure D.C. with Power Within Chiropractic. She has been a great friend and supporter of the work we do here at POCN. but this sponsorship's a little

little personal for me. Over the last several years I've had quite a few aches and injuries and medical issues and Robin honestly has very much helped me through several of those issues. And so something I've I really appreciate about Robin is that she does take the time to listen and figure out what's going on instead of just treating every patient the same. so at Power Within Chiropractic, Robin uses the activator method.

Which is a gentle, precise approach to chiropractic care. There's no aggressive twisting or cracking. Her goal is to help you move better, feel better, and get back to doing the things that you want to do. Robin has been caring for families in the Amarillo area for a long time, being a chiropractor for more than twenty years, and then helping people dealing with back pain, neck pain, headaches, sciatica joint pain, mobility issues, and overall wellness. Beyond what she does professionally, I'm incredibly

Incredibly grateful for the way Robin has chosen to support our mission here at POCN and the families that we serve. So if you're hurting, not moving the way you used to, or you've been putting off seeing a chiropractor because the idea of getting twisted and cracks makes you nervous, give Dr. Robin Ure at Power Within Chiropractic a call. you can learn more at powerwithinamarillo.com. And Robin, thanks so much for taking care of me.

Well, so talk to somebody who is looking in and and they're looking at they're looking at all these single moms with with all these kiddos. Like talk to them. What are things that they could do to help?

I don't think everyone is called to foster. Yep. But everyone can be called to be involved in foster care in some aspect. So whether that's getting signed up for respite so we can have a night out some nights, bringing groceries or clothes for a new baby. I can't count the number of times that I've gotten a new placement and we'll get a text of like what size clothes is that baby in. we just drop them off at your porch while you're at work. So you don't have to foster to be involved in foster care, but just

support foster parents in any way you can. Yeah. no matter what that looks like. Yeah. I definitely like there are those tangible needs. I think one thing though, like 'cause I'm coming up on five years that I've been a foster parent. I've had eleven different kids in those five years. Some of them have been really great, some of them have been really not great. But not the kids, but just like the situations. Yeah. Sure. because I don't think any kids are awful. I just think that they have really incredibly complex

trauma. yeah. But I think like also like just going the distance, like please like stick with us when it gets hard. Because it's like we might cancel a hundred times or have to reschedule. But please keep asking. Like keep asking and like keep showing up. Like I will say like when I was a Muleshoe there was this person, her name was Brenda and she

kind of helped lead our young adult department. When I say young adult, it ranged from like 18 to 50. Like that's kind of where we were as far as like young adult went. Anybody who wasn't considered a senior adult and had grandkids. but Brenda is like my parents' age. And so like she just felt really called to minister to the people who were parenting in the trenches. And so she helped me run that department. And she was so good.

Like she would just she would always ask me about the big kids and their case. That's what I called my first placement, the big kids. they like that case was so up and down. Like for nine months their permanency goal was with me, like adoption with me. And then at the last second they flipped it and sent them home to grandparents that were not at all like had never been considered placement before any of the three times they were in care. Like it was just a bad deal. Everybody knew it, but they didn't have a reason not to do it. And so, like, she would

know when court was and she would literally just like show up in my office, like not even tell me, but like just come to my office and bring me supper. Like she'd bring a casserole and like snacks and stuff for the kids. And then she'd make me cookies or whatever. Like it was just like little stuff like that. It was she remembered and like I had another friend that would go sit with me at court. Like because she knew

And like Haley, my best friend, you know Haley? I think you know Haley. the redhead Haley Self She's not self anymore. but she would come from Amarillo to court. Like she would come and sit with me at court. Yeah. Because like their case was just so volatile. but it was just like little things like that, you know, like there's always something that can be done. but then also like recognize that what we are doing

is not the same as what you're doing. Like we talked about that a little bit more. And it's not that like what we're doing is more important or harder or whatever, but it kind of is harder. because it's like we've got all of these kids that we're trying to figure out. Like we we don't know anything about them. We don't know anything about their history. They have trauma. They have all these things that they can't tell us because they're kids. Right. And some of them don't even have words like right when they come to us as babies. But it's like

*** my kid has a behavior, it's not just something that needs to be disciplined. It's like there's and it's not always just them being a toddler. It's like not putting her in timeout is not gonna help the facts. Right. In that moment. And so like there's just like certain things that we have to do differently because of that trauma piece. Yeah, yeah. And so like just understanding that, you know, no, my kid doesn't just need a spanking Like one of my mom's brothers, he he called my youngest

all the time. And if you need to weep that out, you can. But I was just like, I finally told my mom, I was like, if you don't tell him to stop, I cannot be held accountable for how I respond. Yeah. Because he didn't know nothing about this child or what's going on. Right. this is not helpful to me. This is not helpful to the situation. That's a lot of times like what we hear is like their case defines this child. Like yes. And that is so not true. Like my

almost two year old now, like I hear all the time. Well, she's just bad because that's how her parents made her or that's how her first foster home. And I'm like, no, like that's the trauma. And she she can't talk. She can't hear. Like those are just the way she expresses that trauma because she has no other communication style. And so I think it's just important to remember that like just because they're in foster care, like that doesn't define them, but it is a huge piece in there.

Yeah. And how they're raised and how we parent them and how they interact with other kids on a daily basis. Like a lot of these kids don't know how to interact with another kid. Yeah. And so you throw them into a daycare which is completely foreign to them. And yes, they have these behaviors and we can't just discipline them out of that. Yeah. Yeah. Well, and then like so much so many times like those behaviors, like they do, they come from

from that piece of trauma. And so if we try to like discipline, then we're like perpetuating the trauma. And it's like, no, we're trying to bring healing. Like that's what foster care is. It's like a waiting room or supposed to be like this waiting room where we help kids to heal, help families to heal. And it's just you know, like it can't just be on us as foster parents. Like the the kiddos, they need other people too. And so like I think another thing

that people can do like on the outside looking in is like be involved. Like come be a safe person for our kids. They need someone they can talk to apart from the people they spend twenty four hours a day with. Yes. Like come be their surrogate aunt or uncle. Like you know Yeah. Like please come hang out with them. Build meaningful relationships because like it means a lot to them and like it's gonna go a long way in life for them to say like yeah I had

my foster parent, like for me, like kiddos that could talk that are foster placements, they call me B B. That's what my nieces and nephews call me. And so like it just makes sense. It's not threatening, right? Like it's not I'm not trying to be somebody's mom. I'm not trying to do to do those things. Like I mean, of course if a kid wants to call me mom, that's fine. But I'm not trying to be yeah mom to them. but, you know, come come be somebody to them, you know.

come be an important part in their life. That way it's not just a, that's BB, you know, like, no, it's BB, but we also had Auntie B and Mimi and Pup, but we had all of these fun people at at church. We had Desi. We had, you know, Kiki, you know, just like all of these people who invested in their lives. Yeah. More into these kids. Yes. And more into parts of their life. Because they don't have that. But when they go home, like they still

are gonna talk about that. Sure. You know. Yeah. Because it it means something to them and it matters.

Let's talk about when foster care hurts. Do we have to? Just kidding. We don't have to. No, we can I'm an open book. You said when you texted me, you said foster care has given me the most important things in my life. But it's also taken those things from me. Right. Yeah.

Yeah, I said that. you know, I love kids. I was a kids' pastor for twelve years. I have nieces and nephews, Like way before I became a foster parent, I had all these kids that claimed me and I claimed them. and then I became a foster parent. became a parent.

Like let's be honest, like that's what you are when you foster your parent. in my first placement, they were with me for twenty two months. Like I said, nine of those months permanency goal was adoption with me. And then, you know, they said, No, we're we're sending them to grandparents. Mom lives there, we're gonna send them to grandparents, it'll be fine. And it's like, Mm, mom's not sober, mom's not sober, mom's not sober. but you know, we get to the point, it's like that's what we're doing. And it's like, okay.

Here we are. I remember packing helping them pack stuff up and you know, the whole time like this is the conflicting thing. Like the oldest wants to go home. The middle doesn't want to go home. The youngest doesn't want to go home and doesn't know what home doesn't know what home is. Yeah, because she was three and like we're packing and packing and getting things ready. And it's like, but the foster care's so up and down, like you don't know is it gonna happen, is it not gonna happen? And like

Trying to prepare kids for that is hard. Yeah. And then for me, like because my family is so involved in foster care, like it was almost harder for me to imagine my nieces and nephews having to say goodbye to their cousins. Like that was the thing that took my breath away the most, I think. But then when they came to pick up the big kids, like all of us are crying, right? Like I'm crying.

The kids are crying, begging me not to make them go. Like begging me not to put them in the car. And it's like you have to you have to get in the car. Like you you have to I'll go to jail if you stay here. Like you have to go. And it's like

It wasn't a good situation. It's still not a great situation. I mean, I think it's better than it was, but not what they deserved for sure. And it's like, you know, I put in the car and I didn't talk to him again for that was in November and I didn't talk to him till the end of January. and then we were in contact again from January of that year to June. They spent most or July.

They spent most of the summer with me, but then mom wasn't sober and so she ended up having to leave the house and then grandma was like, You're in cahoots to try to steal them from me again and so I've been on the outs with them since July of twenty four. Yeah. Now, so when I say like it's given me the very best things, like it's given me my kids, but it's also taken those things from me, like that's what I mean. Like

I don't know, like when they left that that day in November, it didn't feel like it was over. when they came back the summer and that last day I took back to their grandparents' house in July. Like it was almost just as hard as that first time that they left. because, you know, the middle was like, Please don't leave me here. Like, I don't wanna stay, I wanna go with you and it's like, baby, I can't.

Like this is hard. This is hard for both of us. But this is where you have to be. And if you don't feel safe, you need to call nine one one. Like you have my phone number memorized. I'm your second phone call. Like and so just like I I never really expected to have to tell my daughter that like this is how you call nine one one. Like in a sense that like I thought she might have to use it. Like obviously, like you teach your kids how to call

emergency services. Like that's something you do. That's something they learn at school. But having her like pull out a phone and show you how to do that. Like is a completely different thing. And then it's just like, you know, like it it's hard. Yeah. It's hard because it's like you pour into these kids and you love them like they're yours. But they're not. But they are. And you want to attach to them because that's how they heal. Like you

That's how you model things for them. That's how they learn and that's how they grow. But whenever you do that, you're giving things up yourself that you're never gonna get back. Yeah. But I wouldn't want it back. But also like it it changes you. Like it changes you to the core. It changes who you are as a person. It changes how you interact with people. It changes how you see the world. It changes how you prioritize things. Like

There are just some things that used to be really important to me, but after seeing what I've seen in foster care, I'm like, that literally doesn't matter. Yeah. Like you can think that all of these things, like making everything look good from the outside, is what's most important. But I'm sitting here telling you that there's a kid somewhere in this city, probably a less than a mile from here, half a mile from here, that hasn't eaten in days. Yeah. That hasn't seen a parent in days. Yeah.

that got beaten or whatever, like that really puts it into perspective. Yeah. You know. And so like I I wouldn't change it. I would always say yes in like every lifetime. Like every single lifetime. foster care has brought me my son. Like my forever son has brought me my two daughters, my forever daughters, but it's also taken my son and my daughters, you know? Mm-hmm.

But then there's also like the piece of like in between there I had a really successful reunification that was so beautiful. And I am still in contact with that family. And like they're about to start coming to church with us. You know, like they come to special events that we have. But it's like it's really neat now. They've been home for it'll be two years in February. And like just to see like how far they've come, like that's what you want. That's what you want. Then a lot of the times that's not what you

Yeah. Exactly. But you still have to let them go. You still have to let go anyway. And that's the hardest, I want to say, like, that's probably the hardest part is like letting them go to a situation that you know isn't better. Yeah. Or isn't even good. Like, you know what I mean? Like, it's not the same as like being with me, but it's not even good. Yeah. And so like that part is is hard. and just not having control of any of it, you know? Like

We're expected to parent these kids twenty four seven, but with no say in what happens to Yeah, right. Yeah.

So

Given all you just said, when someone says, I could never do that 'cause I love them too much That's exactly what they need. Yeah. They need someone who's gonna love them too much and who's gonna show up every day no matter how hard it gets because they haven't had that and it's been ripped away from them. And so that's exactly what they need in that moment.

It really makes me mad whenever people say that because it's like, so do you think I don't have a heart? Yeah, like do think I don't care about these kids that are in my home? Is it less hard for me to say yes and then have to say goodbye than it is for you? Right. And like that was what was so hard. Like after the kids went home, I ran away to Florida for two weeks. That's where my best friend moved to. So and it was also Thanksgiving the next week. And so I ditched family Thanksgiving and went to Florida for two weeks and then I canceled Christmas. I didn't cancel Christmas. I kind of canceled Christmas.

My therapist gave me permission too though. Yeah. but it's just like this moment of like I was not well, but I was also having to make people feel better about my loss. Okay. Like it's like it's just so hard. Or you signed up for this. Like you knew signed up for me. I was like, Mm, I beg your pardon. I did not sign up for this. This was not what I signed up for. I signed up to help kids and families. Yeah. And nobody was helped in this situation. Exactly.

And so it's like but then like at the same time like that statement's not true because like one of the people I was working with at that time, like through the children's home, I did some like targeted case management with her and she told me she's like, Abby, like nobody can take away the healing that has happened and their brains and their bodies while they've been with you. It's true. Like that cannot be undone. Yeah. Like the these twenty two months that they were with you, like

It makes difference and it's probably gonna be one of the things that makes the most difference in their life. And it's like, yeah. But it also really sucks. Yeah. And you know, it's okay for both of those things to be true. But when people say I could never, it's like, well, I mean, I'm not heartless. Okay. Like I feel a lot. Yeah. But at this point I'm also really jaded. And so it's like I'm like, Well, they're gonna do whatever they're gonna do. So I'm just gonna sit back here and I'm gonna say what I need to say. You have to document what I say.

And then you're gonna do whatever the heck you wanna do. I almost said a really bad word. I'm trying really hard to do better because I have a almost two year old that's everything I say. Yeah. But you know, like you're gonna do what you want to do at the end of the day. Like I just want my concerns documented. Yeah. That way whenever it comes back that I'm right, I can be like, Hey, I told you that. Yep. You wrote that down.

Well, with you know, when in in the twenty six counties,

The recidivism, rate. Where we me we measure that. We measure it in prison. We measure it in foster care. being the percent chance or the number of kids that have been in care that go back to biological family that come back in care within five years. Y'all have an idea what it is? So many. Eighty percent. That's forty five, but better. It's not yeah, it's like that's still like that's half half. Half. That is almost half.

I mean that number doesn't include the ones that come in that don't go back, right? So then But that should go back. Yeah. So so fifty percent are coming back into care. and we know developmentally, behaviorally, it's a six month behavior behavioral regression. At least. At least. I have two kids in my home right now that have been reunified and then brought back into care. Yeah. Yeah.

Literally. One that's been reunified with family multiple times and is now in care. Yeah. Well, and it's just like I'm trying to think. So my first placement, they had been in and out of care. Like mom lost rights to all of her six children. the second set

The oldest had been in care before. Mm-hmm. And the youngest had not. Yeah.

But you know, I don't know if they had been in care more than just the one time before or if it was just the one. And then I got Jensen and his story is really neat. You'll have to ask me about that in a minute when we get there. and then with the girls, like they're we can't forget the the poor placement we don't talk about. they had been in care before multiple times. Yeah and then the girls

have just been in care since they they came into care. Yeah this one time. But it's it's wild.

Like what we're not saying though is that no kids should go back. We're not saying we're not saying we're not saying that at all. No. But there are times when they absolutely have no business going back and then they do. Well and I think that too like it goes to show like what we're doing post reunification isn't working.

Like the six weeks monitored return, like that's not long enough. and also like they're getting all these supports that stop once the monitored return is over. And it's like, okay, yeah, they can make it with daycare being paid for and with assistance with food and like all of these things. And it's like, but then those things go away and it's like I try really hard. Like I've tried with all of my placements to like build that relationship with bioparents. Like that's something I'm really passionate about. Like obviously with

my three that I have right now, that wasn't an option. But with everybody else, like I've worked really hard to build a relationship with biological parents. And like after that first placement where I was afraid of that and then encouraged really to like build that place that that relationship with with them at the beginning of placement, that's what I did from there on out. And it's like that set the tone for my second placement. You know, I texted their mom

the first night they were with me and I said, Hey, I just want you to know that your boys are with me. My name is Abby. I live in Muleshoe. So they they ended up placed in Muleshoe. I said, you know, they they're with me. We had a bath, we had supper, they're safe. And I sent a picture of them and a picture of me. That way she knew who I was. Yeah. Because my whole heart towards that changed whenever my kids left and I didn't get any contact for two months. Sure. Like

And didn't know if they were okay, like nothing. I didn't know anything. And so I was like, you know, even somebody who is in the throes of addiction, like they don't wake up and think, How can I be a really parent? Like they don't. They just It just happens are in a tough spot. And addiction is so generational anyways. I mean it is. The number of kids like you talked about who's twelve and a mom.

And in care and she's in care and all the things. And and so, so many of the kiddos who are in care, their parents were in care. Exactly. And so we're it and it's not a pass. No, it's not. Saying, well, they're they were in care, so of course. I or whatever. we are not doing anybody justice. No. Yeah. Not the kid. Well and I just think about it's not

Like that relationship that I have built with that second placement mom, it's like we talk every month. Like and I And they've been gone almost two years. They've been gone almost two years. And it's like, you know, they've just done really well. And they've had some hard times. Like her husband got hurt on the job and wasn't able to work for a while. But it was like I when she texted me and told me that I told her, I like, Hey, if you end up having to get a job, you can bring the baby and I'll keep the baby for free. Cause I work from home. Yeah. So it's easy for me to do that, but it's just like

I told her whenever the kids went home, I was like, Hey, I'm still here. And I'm not just here for, you know, the boys that were with me, 'cause there was multiple kids. They were split up over two houses. Yeah. but I'm here for all of you. Like whatever you need, you call me. Like I don't want you to get in a spot where you feel like you have no other solution than to go down a path that you know isn't good. Yeah. And like she's done that. And it's just been like I'm just so proud of them and it's like

If we had more people who are willing to support like that kind of thing too, like and like I think that's something the church can do too, is like let's start doing better a better job of like loving people that don't look just like us. Yeah. How can we support these families before their kids end up in care? Exactly. What can we do prior to removal?

Yes. Yeah. And that's something that I would love to see and and I was literally talking with somebody

recently but the I I don't think we have one here. there are several in DFW and Houston and stuff where they're they're pre care, right? They're yes. Like let me I'm I know things are really bad. Like help I'm gonna will you take my kids for a little bit so that they don't called I've seen that on like Instagram. There's a girl in I mean preventative safe families or something like that.

Yeah. But it's just like a hey, I need some help right now. Yeah. Well, and I think too, like our culture does a disservice to everybody by saying like you have to do it all on your own because if you don't have it all together then We live in a society that's so independent. It's so hard to ask for help. Yeah. Yeah. Well and even like she passed out like four times this week and was like, no, I'm fine, no, I'm fine. And it's like, okay, no.

We're gonna take you home now. And I'm taking your kids with me. Yeah. Like they're not staying here tonight. Yeah. You know, because that's what you do. Like we we don't have like another parent in our home that can be on call whenever we're dying. Okay. Like my mom would come to Muleshoe and pick up kids whenever I was I was sick. There was one time that I had had I probably had pneumonia, like honestly. Like looking back on it, but

You know, I'd been sick for so long and I just couldn't kick it and couldn't get well. It was in the summer, so I'd been busy, like all of the camps and VBS and stuff. And I finally said, You've got to come get these kids. Like I have to sleep. I have to kick this. Otherwise, I wouldn't end up in the hospital. Yeah. And she's like, Well, I'll just come stay with you. And I was like, No, I'll bring him to you. And she was like, Well, that doesn't make sense if you're feeling bad. And I was like, Well, you could come get them. But it's like, you know, she came and got them. And then one of my other friends went to go pick up my medicine. And

I don't think I got about the whole weekend. Like I just but that's what it took to like finally get well was like the people that were around me. Yeah. Because we do and we need to ask though, but it's hard. It's hard to Asking for help is definitely tough for sure. For sure.

So

I mean, think about think about that girl at eighteen that was had this, you know, this whisper in her ear about maybe down the road doing this foster care thing. what do you tell her? What do I tell her? Some lessons learned maybe or there's a lot of things I wish I could go back and tell my

eighteen year old self. I should have found therapy a lot sooner than I did. I should have started taking antidepressants way sooner than I did. but gosh, I think

think I would tell her just to do it. Like take the plunge. Take the plunge. like do it afraid. Do it even when people think you shouldn't. Yeah. Like don't listen to the whispers as much as you do like I don't know what version of my life I'm on. Like I used to say Abby one point would say this, but Abby two I I don't know what version I'm on now, but it's like

This version of Abby might be my favorite so far because, you know, like it's truly a like this is what I'm doing. Like if you think it's cool, great, like let's go. But if you don't, like I don't need that in my life. So take it over there. Yeah. Because I lived my life in a clear glass house for a very long time. working on staff at a church, like just in a small community. Like it was just a lot of decisions I made were based on what I thought other people would think about me. And

Believe me, people have opinions sometimes they even tell them to you. Yeah. Most of the time they just talk about you, not to you. But you know, that's a whole nother conversation. But, you know, I think I would I would tell that 18 year old, like, get ready. It's gonna be the hardest thing you've ever done in your entire life. Like it's gonna be so hard. It's gonna completely change the DNA of who you are. It's gonna change how you see the world. It's gonna change how you think about grief and people like

Like she kind of put it into perspective. Like we're standing in surgical ICU the night before my dad died. And like, you know, we're talking about like signing a DNR. Because, you know, to have a craniatomy, you have to be a full code. Like you can't go in and have a craniatomy and be a DNR. And so like we're talking about these things. And my mom is like, I don't know what she's saying, but I kind of started crying. She's like, We're gonna get through this. And I was like, listen, I've already lost my kids. Like I can do anything. Yeah.

Like I can do anything. And it's like I think about that now and I'm like, that's kind of like it's probably something I should talk about in therapy a little bit more. But it's like whenever you've said goodbye, yeah, like to your children. Yeah. When you don't know that they're gonna be safe, like

Everything else is just kind of like, Yeah, we'll figure that out too. And it's like I think that I would I would tell myself that, like, hey, you're gonna go through the darkest times and you're not gonna know how you're gonna make it through, but like you're still gonna make it through. Yeah. Like and you're gonna come out the other side and you're gonna question everything. You're gonna question God. You're gonna question what you believe. You're gonna take apart your faith and

Think about whether or not you want to put it back together. And you're gonna have a really complicated relationship with God because that's kind of where we are right now. But it's like I would tell her to still do it. Like I'm gonna tell her to to get ready and to soak in every moment because like every moment does matter.

what about you? It's been a year for you, but what it would you would you go back and tell yourself something you do different or something you've learned that I think it would be along the same lines of like you just have to stop caring what people think. so when I got licensed, I was in my senior year of college planning to go to grad school. I was freshly twenty one.

And so you hear all the time, you're too young, you're wasting your twenties on foster care. Like you're going to miss out on so much of your life. And so I would tell her, like, you're not missing out on anything. If anything, if you didn't say that first yes, you're missing out on so much more. The kids' first steps, their first birthdays, the first time that they feel safe enough to say, I love you. the first time that they let you hold them through the night while they're crying. Like you will miss out on so much more not saying yes than if you just continue to be afraid of what people think of you.

What is what is what does life look like in five years? You're like, I don't know what tomorrow looks like. I I feel like as a foster parent, you live day by day. Like you you can't plan out your life because you don't know what tomorrow holds. I mean, we planned a vacation for the end of this month and still have no idea what kids are coming out. I have no clue. Like like obviously my kids are coming, but we don't know like hers. I have no idea if I'll still have any of my three kids at the end of this month. So just like

Simple things like that, like you have to take life day by day. And so even like in five years, no idea what that's gonna look like. No clue. I mean I'm going to have a six year old. Mm-hmm. And that makes me sad. And then I'm gonna have a ten year old and I'm going to have a twenty three year old. Twenty three year old.

Let's just talk about the violent turn of parenting an eighteen year old and an eighteen month old. That was a whole whole situation. But, you know, five years from now, we're living on a compound. But we've decided at this point we're building a house next door to each other, buying an eighteen passenger van. Yeah. I mean, I think

I'll still be fostering maybe. I mean I I don't know that foster care is over yet. Obviously, like I've still got another few years with my oldest, but you know, if I'm not fostering, I'll be doing respite. maybe some advocacy work. Like advocacy is important to me. Absolutely. You know, maybe be a casa. I don't know, we'll see. Yeah.

I like I like it's like the idea the you know, there are a lot of folks that have they have a plan and a direction. I gave that up a long time ago. Right. Week one that goes out the window. And you you Yeah and and and I and I think it's a complete waste of effort to live that way because you you can make plans. When we got the kids the first time. I mean I ha I had a plan overright when we get

I was we had talked about fostering at some point down down the road. And then we we get the call and we ask she's asking us to take them and we take them and I am like I'm I am the planner where I had, you know, I used to be these things. Right. And so I was I was working two jobs, I was waiting tables at Cheddar's. I was going in for a double and so I was doing my Bible reading beforehand and I just I just

Open my Bible to the next book on my list was James. And I was like, God, I needed to make this I need you I need to make this abundantly clear whether or not this is what you're actually calling us to do. And then I get down to chapter 27. Like, careful, what is this nor this is true religion? And I'm like gum it. Okay. And I'm like, but still, I had I had a plan, right? I had a plan. And then I get down to chapter four, and he's like, do not say.

That tomorrow I will go here and do this, or next year I will go there and do that. Say if the Lord wills, I will do this or that. And that that shifted my life perspective. Like we're not saying it's don't don't plan, right? We're not saying don't save for retirement. We're not saying don't do this or don't do that. But ultimately, yeah, I mean, God's the one that's in control. Absolutely. And we we

We we get we have an illusion of control. We don't even have that anymore. Let's be honest. It's shattered somewhere around month two of foster care. Yeah. Yeah. I mean I used to plan my life by the quarter hour. Like that was where I was in college. But then it's like Huh. Life is what happens in between. Like that's that's what life is made up of. And so it's just

You know, I have no idea what the future looks like. I mean, I've got two degrees in fields that I'm not doing a single thing in. You know, but I love what I do. Like, and I love that I can show up for kids and that I can say yes to being helpful. Like at the drop of a hat. Like we're thankful for that too. Literally. But it's just like, I don't know. I have no idea what the future holds and like

I could guess. I could guess, but like just looking at the last, you know, seven years of my life, I'm like, huh, seven years ago, twenty nineteen, Abby would not at all have guessed that this is what twenty you know, twenty-six looks like.

Well we're gonna wrap up, but before we do talk to those single moms, single dads out there that are thinking about it and then like

I can't do that. I'm single. Talk to them. What do you tell what do you tell them?

I feel like there's a lot to say. I think I would say to them, just do it anyways. I mean, if you if these doors keep open opening, like what is stopping you from walking through them? It's going to be, like Abby said, the hardest yes you ever say. you're gonna have to do it tired, you're gonna have to do it sick, you're gonna have to show up on the days that you don't want to. And so as a single parent, yes, I think it's sometimes ten times harder.

to do it alone, but it's also going to be the most important yes you ever say. I mean, in ten months I've had the pleasure of caring for five kids. and so I just think about like where those five kids would be if I hadn't have said that first yes. Yeah. Like how different my life would be if I hadn't have said yes. I wouldn't be living in Lubbock Yeah. I wouldn't have the community that I have today. and so I think just say yes even when it hurts. Yeah. Yeah, I think like say yes,

And I think like ask yourself like what is really holding you back? Like if you

If you really feel like it's something you're supposed to do, like it'll all work out. It's all gonna come together. Like don't go into it hoping that you're gonna adopt. Like that's one thing that we talked about last night when we were talking about like what we would say. It's like it's anybody that shouldn't foster like if you're going straight adoption, like you need to tell them ahead of time. And you need to look at the legally free kids. Yeah.

Like you don't need to take any kids that are still like in a reunification situation. because that is always the first goal of foster care. Yeah. And it should be. It should be because when we get to termination of parental rights, like that's not something that should ever be taken lightly. Yeah. And like I cried when my son's parents' rights were terminated. and he was surrendered. Like he was a surrendered baby. And so

Like they made the very best choice to give him a a life. Yeah. And like it was still something that was very

emotional and like carries a lot of weight. and so I think just like that part. But I think, you know, just like go into it ready. Like just ready for anything. Literally anything. Because, you know, sometimes like I my friend that, you know, kind of encouraged me to first take the leap, or finally take the leap. She's like, one time we said yes and they brought the

the baby and the paperwork and we signed everything and they told me it was I don't remember if they said it was a girl or a boy, but it ended up being the opposite gender. And so like texted the caseworker like, hey, just FYI, so and so is actually yeah. Literally like definitely a boy. And they're like, we should change that in the paperwork. You know, and so it's just like check the diaper first, you know like sometimes you get a call for a kid that their age on paper was two years ago.

Yes. So you get a call expecting this ten or eleven year old kid to walk in your house and this is fourteen or fifteen. The calls don't always match the child you're about to and they'll lie to you. Like they yeah, no behavior problems. Mm, can I talk to the prior placement, please? Like, you know, but I think just somebody who is like, Yeah, I think this is what I'm being called to. Like if you think you're called to it, like say yes, let's go. If you're like, I don't really know, like

Don't do it. Like maybe like find a way to be involved and so you can like actually see what is in all of it. Because it's like it's hard, okay? Like it is it's hard. Every you'll cry a lot. You'll cry a lot, a lot. you'll have panic attacks, you'll do like all the things, right? Like, but it's still good. Yeah.

And it's still worth it. And it's like I have three wonderful children out of it, plus all of the other eight that aren't with me. Yeah.

Well.

Heavy stuff, but it's good stuff. We're gonna have to go to like a spa yeah. Literally. It's like, man. We've got a two hour drive home before we do, yeah. It'll be fine now. I just I really appreciate y'all coming and just being honest and open. It's there aren't very many, at least not in my in my circle, very many single parents that are doing it. And I just

I think it's I mean you take foster care being one of the hardest things that there is to do in my book and then you make it and then you level up literally you do it you do it single. I mean, wow. but there's the difference between doing it single and doing it alone. This is true. Yes. This is absolutely true. And I was actually had that in here somewhere I was gonna say that. But yes. Because you ha you guys have built this community and that is so important because a foster fostering is so

alienate it can be yeah you know those kids or this or that or why why are you you that you you just need to bust him. Yeah. It's like no thank you. Yeah. no. Yeah. and so it is. It's very, very isolating and it can be. And so having that community is is is very different than doing it alone. It's I love that. I love that for sure. So and like and then there's like like having community but like

What we have going on, like with our kids and like helping pick up. I didn't have that until Ashley moved to Lubbock. Like, I mean, yeah, I could call somebody like, Hey, can you please help me? Like, school's on lockdown and I'm in this meeting, like I can't get out of it. Like, yeah, I had that, but like not the like, hey, can you grab the kids from daycare? Like I'll have dinner ready. Yeah, I'll have dinner ready or I'm picking up this or whatever. And it's just like, you know, it makes sense for us to help each other. Yeah. And like

This has been the easiest I mean it's not easy, but like it's like, this is one more fun thing. All of foster care. All of foster care. This has been the easiest two months of my life.

Yeah, that's awesome. In that sense. That's awesome. Yeah. I mean, I remember running into you and it was Chandler at the foster nutrition and I don't had you gotten licensed yet? Yes. I had just gotten licensed and got my first kiddo. That's true. Did you have the hard one yet? You didn't have the hard one yet? He met me between

My first two placements. Would have been a very different meeting. Yeah. The first time we talked on the phone, she's like I was ready to quit foster care two weeks after. I'm gonna quit foster care. And I was like, maybe don't do that. I got my second placement two weeks after my first placement. and he's now thriving in the foster home that he's in. Yeah. But was the hardest kid I've ever had. Yeah. like we talk about there's a difference between your kid not sleeping.

And a foster kid not sleeping, this kid did not sleep for seventeen hours, like cried for seventeen hours the first night he was at my house. Yeah. Like there's a difference. And so like I called Abby two weeks into foster care and was like, I'm ready to quit. Like I can't do this anymore. Like we ended up in the ER more nights than he spent at my house. Wow. and so like there's a yeah.

There's a difference. And I'm saying. You know, sometimes kids just aren't good fits. And like that's And like first night at this new placement, like he did he did great. So much better. Yeah. So much better. And so it was just the dynamic of him being in a house with only women wasn't working. He needed a male in the home. And so like I think that's another part of foster care that like not even just as a single adult, but as a married couple, like sometimes you're going to have to make those hard decisions of this kid isn't a great fit for my house. But yeah.

deserves a safe place to be. Sure. Yeah. And so I was like, sometimes you just gotta put notice in on a kid. Like and I was like, it's hard. But I like when I put notice in on one of my kiddos, like it came down to my case manager at my agency telling me, Do you feel like you're gonna quit foster care? And I was like, Well I might. And she was like, Then you need to put notice in. Yeah. Because it's not worth it for you to continue doing this and then quit altogether. Mm-hmm.

And honestly, like he ended up going to a two parent home and like he still had behaviors, but there was two people who could tag out. And so it's like you know, it worked better. And like I ended up his brother ended up staying with me and was like the dream child, like just always so good. But and it wasn't fair to his older brother either, because it was like we could never go anywhere or do anything because his his younger brother couldn't handle life and

Me by myself could not do that. So you know. Yeah.

Lots of hard. Lots of hard. Lots of hard. But lots of good. Yep. Absolutely. Absolutely. Well the in the the the impact that you're making, you know, both of y'all that that you're making is it's huge. I mean, it's hard to measure now. Yeah. But I think at one point you you I think at one point we get to look back and be like

Yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah. Well and like I know that we're trying to like wrap up here, but like one of those moments for me was like getting to lead my big kids to Christ. Like you know, I worked at the church and like took the oldest with me to camp just a few months after he had been placed with me and like he made a decision to follow Jesus at camp and then

We came home and of course like he got baptized and his sister was just a year younger than him and like asking all these questions. Yeah. And then, you know, a couple months later he and I sat on the couch and got to lead her to Jesus together. And then she like could not wait to get baptized and like had to do it immediately. Like it was just really, you know, like just those moments of like like what we're doing isn't just

The side of heaven. Like it's also like it has kingdom impact. Like in like her shirt literally says like foster care. Yeah, is kingdom work. And it's like, yeah, like I'm meeting basic needs, but like I'm also fostering an environment where they get to make connections to

Well, I tell people all the time, we're bringing a suitcase full of stuff.

Mm-hmm. We're bringing a of suitcase full of stuff, but it's more than just stuff. Absolutely. It's hope. It's being seen. It might be their first new outfit they've had in years. Or their first stuffed animal they've ever gotten. Yeah. Their first Bible. Yeah. Yeah. I mean it's it's like it's not just stuff. Yeah. You know, it's hard to it's hard to quantify exactly what it is. Yeah. t that that we're bringing, but it's more than just stuff. And it's like

too like even with like older kids it's like their own room. Like, you know, like yeah, like that was something so important to my seventeen year old. It's like she has shared a room her entire life, has never had her own stuff, her own space. Yeah. And so like she was so excited when she got her own room. Wow. Yeah. And it's just like it's little stuff like that. Like I have my own bed. I have my own like just literally like the smallest things. Like I took the big kids on vacation

The summer after they came to live with me and like the whole time, like they're excited on vacation and like we were getting closer and closer to Oklahoma City and like they've been talking about vacation. They've said the word like five Jillian times. I'm like, if y'all don't stop talking, I'm turning around and we're going home. Like I'm done. And then like from the very back of hear BB, what's a vacation? And it hit me like they had never gone on a vacation. Like they had never had a trip where they went somewhere just for the fun.

And like got to go swimming and got to go to the zoo and got to go to the science museum. And it's like I was so out of my element taking kids on vacation by myself. That was so it's a trip. It's a trip with kids. It's not a vacation. We're going on vacation. They're going on a trip. but you know, it just like little stuff like that, like getting to give them experiences. Yeah. It's it's powerful. Mm-hmm. It's absolutely powerful. And hard to manage. Hard hard to measure.

Yes. Well, thank y'all both so much for coming. And I just appreciate your willingness to talk about the good things and some of the less good things. You know, it's it's an important conversation to have, so I appreciate it. Yeah. Yeah. Thanks for having us. Thanks, y'all.

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