Proving You're Going to Stay

https://youtu.be/D5QO6Zi-50k

Panhandle Orphan Care Network (00:00)

I think the biggest thing we learned are teenagers are teenagers. It doesn't matter if they come from foster care or not. Yeah. They're gonna have attitudes. Yep. They're gonna be mean. They're gonna hurt your feelings, I promise you that. they're fun, they're different,

Everyone's experience is completely different. the biggest thing I think I've learned though is everybody just wants to be normal.

Hello and welcome to All Things Foster, a place for coffee, connection, and community. Guys, I appreciate you tuning in today. We've got a great lady that's gonna share her foster care experience. And so I'm super grateful to get to her. But before we do

I want to let you know that, you know, every once in a while you meet someone who is just genuinely good people. And that's a friend of mine named Toby. Toby runs HVAC MD and he served on our board for several years. after his board service ended, he has continued to show up for POCN in ways that most people will never know. In fact, he's repaired the air conditioner at our Moses closet three different times.

And has never sent us a bill. He's donated both his time and his parts because he believes in what we're doing. When that should tell you kind of everything you need to know about Toby. But what he does is they provide residential and commercial heating and air conditioning services throughout the Texas panhandle. Whether you need a repair, routine maintenance, a new system, or indoor quality air, air quality improvements, ductwork,

Or even a ductless mini split, their team is committed to doing the job right with honesty, integrity, and quality workmanship. They also offer 24-7 emergency services because when air conditioners break, it's never at a time when it's convenient. So the next time your air conditioner quits in the middle of a Texas summer, or your heater decides to take the winter off, give my friend Toby a call at HVAC MD

Their number is 806 676 8308. And make sure to tell him that you heard about him on All Things Foster and thank him for supporting foster families across the panhandle.

Well, guys, say hello and welcome to Miranda. Miranda, thank you so much for coming today. Thank you for having me. so tell us a little bit about you, Miranda.

What do you what do you do?

Yeah, I am actually the marketer for a hospice company. Okay. So we provide it's actually a Christian based company. So we provide hospice care at the hardest times of people's life as they're getting close to passing and provide that spiritual care for them as well.

Yeah, I've friend's dad that's that does chaplain work for an organization like that. It's and we're actually going through that

right now my wife's mom is she's got pretty bad cancer and so it's pretty much just making sure she's comfortable at this point. So those those are really important services. I appreciate the work you do for that. Well what does your hubby do?

He works at Pantex. Okay. So Yeah, that's about it. Yeah, yeah, that's about it. so aside from fostering, tell us about your life. I mean, how many kiddos you got? You know, what kinda what does life look like maybe prior to prior to fostering? So I'll say prior to fostering 'cause our family looks very much different. No doubt. So originally I met my husband when he was active duty military.

And so our lives have been very different. We've moved from several bases and about four or five years ago he decided he was gonna get out of the military and kinda look for some more stability. Yeah. And so we moved up here to Amarillo from Fort Hood and kind of found our little home here, got our jobs here settled up and have a really fantastic group of friends. How in the world did you end up in

Amarillo from Fort Hood you just throw a dart to see where it lands. It's the craziest I can't even explain this. I think it must be a God thing. yeah. Because so he had this mandatory thing with the military where you have to attend a certain amount of like job fairs. So he calls me as he's leaving a job fair and he's like, Well, there was nothing there. I'm about to leave and so he's like, Hang on one second. I was like, What? He's like, I'll call you right back. So he hangs up. He had ran into the recruiter from Pantex.

So he worked a twenty four hour shift, you know, the on call ones and then had to go test in the morning. wow. So he had to go do that and do some testing in the morning, which he ended up passing. So the day he actually got out of the military went straight in. Started at Pantex So we drove overnight to start here and kind of just found our own little groove here. That is so cool. Yeah. That's that's just yeah, like you say, it definitely a god thing if he's like I'm out of here and then then that opens up. So yeah.

That's that's awesome. And then I mean, so often it takes a long time to get set up to go work. My daughter works out there and I mean it was a six, eight month process to get to work out there. I think it's normally pretty intensive to just get past HR. Yeah. So he had this weird thing of running into the recruiter, testing the next day and I don't know. I guess we were just meant to be here. There you go. Let's think that's

That's I think that's kind of the way that that tends to work, you know. Yeah. you mentioned that you've got kind of a good core group of folks here that are really supportive, right? Yeah, we do. So my husband has a team of guys that he works with and through them I've met the spouses and have some of my best friends that I've met through there. And so they were kind of

One of the biggest factors of us going into foster care was the big supporting group, the nonjudgment of the bad days in foster care. Yeah that we've all had. They're just somebody that you can talk to about anything. And you never feel judged.

That's awesome. Because so often, I mean, it feels like a silo, right? Where just nobody understands that you're isolated and and stuff like that. So it's just a wonderful that you have that you have that experience.

Yeah, before we started foster care, I've actually never met another foster parent. Wow. So it is pretty isolating. So what you guys do in the different organizations here from networking and meeting other people are so important. For sure, for sure. Yeah. I mean, I say this all the time, but we can't you know, I can't walk through life well with someone that's that's going through leukemia, right? That's not my lived experience. Yeah. And so

I can support them and I can care up for them and help them, but I can't really connect with them fully on their experience. And so it is isolating to where it's like, man, nobody understands what what I'm going through and stuff. And that's a big part of the reason for the podcast is we wanted to build community around foster families. So it's I love that you've got that support.

Yeah, and the biggest thing I think that was most isolating for us in foster care is us taking teens. Yeah. So our kids when we got them, that's the first thing they asked. They'd both been in previous foster homes where they would advertise it. these are my foster kids. These are these kids are foster or they were just always made to feel that title. Whether it be going to get your backpacks that are pre picked out for you or stuff like that. So our goal when we got our kids

was to make sure they never felt any different than a normal teenager would. Yeah.

So go so take us back. what happened? You said you'd never met another foster family. How in the world do you end up getting licensed? So our journey kind of begins with church. So we were kind of still looking for more of a community here in Amherlo. So we started attending Life Church here. And from there we heard a couple sermons and we felt like

Maybe they were talking to us. Maybe this is our message. We had been talking about it at least five years before. Wow. And we just never felt we were right time. I guess it's kinda like having a baby. You want everything to be perfect before you do it. Sure. I promise you nothing has to be perfect. That's the biggest lesson we learned. So once we had made that decision, we got in contact with some foster agencies here, which we didn't know the difference between agencies, what we were looking for.

kinda went in blind. Yeah. And then we went on to they have like a big meeting that you get on before you start. And so I think there was about forty-five to fifty families in the room. Right. And so it's just a Zoom meeting and everyone's talking and they go around the room. What do you want? I want a baby. Next one. I want five and under. And then they got to us and we're like, no, we want teenagers. We want somebody that just

needs support, somebody that needs somebody to show up to their games. We're looking for a different experience than I think most people do. No doubt. Absolutely. So and so what was it about the teens that really kinda drew you guys to them? So as a family I'd say we're pretty active. Yeah. So it's really important for me personally to go on a random vacation on a weekend to go swimming somewhere or

go snowboarding and go spend the weekend at a cabin. Not saying we're traveling all the time, but I don't wanna have to change our lifestyles. I think that's the biggest thing. We wanted to maintain the lifestyle that we're used to living. We didn't want to change our son's lifestyle that he's used to. But also we wanted him to have that connection with brothers and sisters where they could go do things together.

Sure. So a little different. Yeah. And that's what drew you to to the teenagers 'cause you wanted

you didn't want diapers anymore. You didn't want bottles and burp rags and all that stuff. You wanted just a a kiddo that you could love and that could really kinda connect in with your family and be able to do those things. I loved how you talked about wanting, you know, somebody that wants there to be somebody at their at their game, right? Yeah. I mean, that's just that is. I mean just foster kiddos just

They just crave just normal life, you know. I feel like that's the biggest thing. Like we I know people want babies. Everybody wants that first experience. They want the first steps and the first words and the the first everything's but you get that in a different way with teenagers. Sure. So I got to experience my daughter's first dance in high school. I gotta go take pictures with their mums.

I didn't know what a mum was. So I had to do some research on that. we've done first car. My son just got his first car. So we're having those terrifying first experiences of driving with them. it's just different. You get I think more satisfaction with the older kids than you do the younger kids. And it was the growth that's like the biggest thing I've seen. So our kids when we first got I mean were crazy shut down.

Yeah. Like very shut down people. Very little emotions, very quiet, shy. You know, I know they say the first month they're all sweet and innocent. But just to watch their growth has been crazy. Yeah. I think it's better than the little ones. Yeah. Because you see them grow into little humans that are gonna go out into the world and do great things.

So you talked about your tribe, were they like

shocked when you came to them and was like, Hey, we're gonna we wanna do this foster thing.

Actually, weirdly enough, no. Yeah. I don't feel like we got any of that judgment that I feel like most people get. Yeah. Of I don't want my kids around them. I don't want that. So the day my son got home, and I think maybe this was a bad idea, but we had a welcome thing. We brought all of our friends and family and brought them all around so they could all meet him.

'Cause we got him before we got the other two. And it was just a cool experience to watch everybody take him in and everybody wants to get to know him. And even when we had his first birthday party, 'cause we didn't have very long before his first birthday party with us, my husband's friends, the entire group of guys, showed up for him, so he had people there to support him. I love that. It was a really cool experience for him. Yeah. Wow.

Yeah, you can just I mean, you can just picture it like all these people are here for me, right? When their experience has not been anything like that. so I love that. So so talk to us about the licensing process. What was that like for you guys? I feel like ours took a long time, but I don't know what normal is because we don't really know anyone else that got licensed. Yeah.

So we started the process and I think the first steps you take is filling out the application. Yep. Going on that little Zoom meeting where you get to hear about foster care and what it kinda looks like. And then the fingerprints, the background check, the doctor's visits. You have to have everything in line to go ahead and get started. And then from there I think I did like hundreds of hours of training Yeah. Different topics and

Learning what foster care looks like, what the kids experiences may be like and kind of learning to get our home in order. So we didn't have the rooms furnished before we started this. They were just two extra rooms that we never used. it was actually a lot of fun getting the rooms ready. sure.

I didn't know who was coming. I didn't know how to decorate it, but we just threw it together. Gender neutral colors. It was all white. Everything was basic. They could they could make their decisions once they came. Yeah. So you said a long time, like six to eight. No, I would say three to four months. Three to four months. Okay. That's actually pretty quick. Yeah, it was about three to four months, but I think we really pushed it. yeah. We made sure our stuff was done, our training was done, our C P R was done.

We knew we wanted to push it because we were I think we got licensed in July and we knew we wanted a placement before school started. Sure.

Sure. So talk to us about that that call the for the first placement. Ours wasn't a call. So we got a little I know you've seen them at the Heart Gallery. Mm-hmm. Where you get like those little photos. Yeah. So we got that with a description of the kids. Mm-hmm.

And so we read it and I was like, I don't know. We only wanted one to start. So I don't know, maybe three's too much. And so we thought about it and I got their paperwork and we reviewed it. And I still felt like, yes, I think this is the right kids for us. And then we had our next steps was a Zoom meeting with their caseworker. Right. To kind of find out what behaviors are going on, information.

on kind of what they like. We learned like what sports they like, who they kinda are as people, and kinda got a little information. After that call, they said to send an email if we're still interested. And so we sent in instantly. Yeah. We didn't even wait like three seconds, send it out. And then we sent a lookbook what our home looks like. What our family looks like. Yeah. And they took that to the kids and showed it to them. Right.

So ours was a little bit different, I think, than the usual place.

Yeah. So your goal from the outset was foster to adopt. Yes. Okay. Okay. That yeah. Well, definitely pursuing the teenagers from that aspect is yeah. So wow. So you sent this look book and then what happens? So our journey was a little different. So our kids were separated. And

Our son was separated from his sisters for over a year. Yeah. So he was at a RTC. Right. So we met him first. Mm-hmm. So nobody told us what an RTC was. we had no idea what we were doing. We didn't know if we were going to someone's house. We didn't know where we were going. Show with this address. It was an address on a piece of paper. Wow. And so I'm like, okay.

I guess we're this far, might as well keep going. Yeah. So we drove out to where he was and we got there and there's barbed wire outside. Right. And it's a scary, like scary building. So we go there and they're like, Okay, you're gonna go take him out for lunch and meet him and I was like, Okay I was really, really nervous after the experience.

Like I say like again, so many people don't know. RTC is like the step between like

A group home type situation and then juvie. Yes. Right. It's like that It's a locked in between. Yeah. The kids go to school there, they eat their meals there, they live there. Yeah. They're even limited on how much clothes they can use. The bathrooms are locked. You have to ask to use the restroom there. it's just very, very locked down. Very rigid. Yeah. So and it's because the higher level of kids there, but

My son wasn't placed there because of behaviors or anything. Right. He was placed there because placing a sixteen or well, he was fourteen at the time, a fourteen year old male here in Amarillo or in the panhandle is almost impossible. So it was either go to a locked unit and be closer to your sisters or move to Houston. Those were his two options. And so he took being in lockdown to stay close to his sisters. wow. So

It was his choice, but I don't think it really was his choice. Right. Yeah, yeah, it's like choose between two impossible things. Wow. It's just sad because males are so hard to place here for some reason. Yeah. I think there's just a lot of fear. And I think that's not just in regards to like a teenage boy. It's the the whole there's just so much fear of what

If. Yeah. Right. It's a lot higher with a teen boy. Well, so when we first got not for you guys, but for for the general fostering community. Especially when you're new to it. So we didn't know how this process looks. So this random white van pulls up in our driveway and he's in there and he's got one little suitcase. Yeah. And it's like this beat up little suitcase. And so they bring him into the house and they sit you down, they read you the rule book.

You can't keep debit cards out 'cause he might steal it. You can't keep alcohol unlocked because he might drink it. Like stuff like that. So it even scares you more. Right. Like, what did I just get into? Yeah. Because they didn't tell me anything like this. Yeah. And so now you have this kid in your home and now you've just been scared. Yeah, sure. So it was really scary and I'm like, wait, how do I enroll him in school? What do I do? I don't know any of that. Yeah, yeah. I feel like it was a very

blind experience. Uh-huh. So we had him for the first month before we started meeting his sister. So it gave him that time to acclimate a little bit. Decompress and 'cause I don't I've never fostered any other kids. So my experience maybe is not as good as anyone else's, but I've never seen a kid so shut down in my life. Mm-hmm. So when he came into our home, he looked terrified. Sure. Like

Somebody had scared him, he was he didn't want to speak, he didn't want to do anything wrong 'cause he was so scared to go back. wow. So that experience was different. so talk to us about that first. they're reading you this rule book, but they leave the van leaves. Yeah. What happens? I mean, are you the case worker

comes over and you sign a ton of paperwork. So he's saying you're basically legally responsible, blah, blah, blah. They drop off this binder full of his school stuff, his records, yeah. Stuff like that. And they say, Okay, well we'll see you on your next visit. And so you're like, Okay, now what do we say? What do we do? How do we introduce ourselves to a kid that we've met for an hour? Yeah. And do we show him the room? Do we offer him a shower like there's a lot of you don't know.

Yeah, for sure. So first day just kinda got him settled into his room, showed him around the house and this is the funny experience with fostering. So I wake up in the morning to take my son to school, my other son. And so he's so quiet. He just keeps popping up out of nowhere. I open the fridge, I close the fridge and he's standing there, just standing there. I'm like, ooh, you gotta stop doing that. I'm in the dryer, grab my clothes out in the morning, and he's just standing there.

Ready to go. He's like, When do I go to school? I'm like, We gotta enroll you. It's not done yet. Yeah, right. But he for like I think the first week kept popping up on me and scaring me randomly around the house. 'Cause you're just not used to that extra person there. And he was so anxious that he didn't know if he was should sleep in, should he be up, should he be getting ready? And we didn't know either. Yeah. So we're both looking at each other like, What do we do here? Yeah. It was it was unique. Yeah.

You mentioned that there was like a party for him, right? So once we got him, I think about the first weekend, so we invited all of our friends and family over to our house and did like a big cookout for him. They all brought their kids over so he had teenagers his age to kinda get to know before he went to school. It was just a really good everybody was so excited to meet him.

And I guess maybe that's not the greatest idea in foster care to just bring everybody over and meet him right away. But we were excited. Yeah, sure. We wanted everyone to meet him. So he came over, he had so much fun. I've never thought a fourteen year old would be out on the trampoline jumping for hours. Yeah. He was. Yeah. And so it was a good first experience. It was the first time we kind of saw any of his personality. Yeah. Because before that he's been pretty quiet. Sure. Yeah, well, like you said, if he's

If he's been in an RTC and he's not there because of issues and then yeah, I mean it's just extremely regimented. I mean I think that was our biggest hurdle was the bathroom. He would come out and say, Can I use the bathroom? Yeah. I'm like, Go, it's open. Yeah. And then he was like, Well, that's because it's locked at the other place. You have to ask to go to the bathroom. And so for I'd say the first month everything was a question. Sure. Can I have a drink? Can I have a snack?

Can I eat dinner? Can I have a second plate of dinner? So I think that was really confusing as a parent that my kid just goes in the fridge and grabs a snack whenever he wants. Yeah, sure. So just kind of learning that that's probably not the norm in all homes. For sure. For sure. Wow. so then you get the girls. Yeah. So it goes about a month and we start visitations with the girls. Okay.

So they wanted to give him a month to kind of settle in. So we started doing FaceTime visits with them. Okay. And so we met him a couple of times over FaceTime. And then from there they started coming to spend weekends. Awesome. So I think we did a month. I think a month of them coming over on weekends. Yeah. Making sure they were comfortable, going to his football games with the girls so they got that experience. And letting them meet our son. Yeah. So we had a ten year old at no, he was eight at the time.

And so it was good for him to get to he's always been an only child. Yeah. So it's going from an only child to big brothers and big sisters to a full house. It's always loud and messy and it's just a different experience. So after that they finally moved in on Halloween.

So And what was that? I mean, how was that? were were they a little more comfortable than he was when they came? Girls are not shy.

Yeah. At all. They were they were loud, they were having fun. And it's the first time in two years they've lived with their brother. my gosh. So it was He was at the RTC for two years? Yeah, just about. my gosh. Yeah. So he was excited, they were excited. For sure. It was a lot of staying up till two AM watching movies and spending a lot of time on the couch together and

we learned the girls were really good at volleyball and playing like baseball, softball, football. I think we played every sport. Yeah, sure. It was just a lot of connecting. And then my son Bryson was just so excited to have somebody to follow around. No. So he was kind of following all of them around. Trying to build that connection.

Yeah. Wow. God, two years. That is just Can you imagine if we didn't get him? He would still be there. yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, because the likelihood of the likelihood of a of a teen boy getting adopted, especially out of an RTC, is I think it's a one percent chance. Yeah. Is what I saw online. For teens to get adopted that are in a sibling group, it's a one percent chance. Yeah, it's very, very, very, very low.

Wow. That's Is there anything looking back you're like, Man, I wish I had known this or that? I think there was a lot of things I wish I would have done differently. Mm-hmm. I think some of the biggest things is maybe just on parenting side. Mm-hmm. Because we got the kids phones right away and he hadn't had a phone in two years. So I felt so guilty. I'm like, we gotta get this kid a phone so he can talk to his sisters and

I feel like I wish we would have been more controlling on phones. Right. But we're also young. And so when the kids are like, Well, what apps can we have? I don't know what apps can you have. You tell me. Wow. Yeah. So was there going through the licensing process, did you feel like there was adequate preparation for like training on trauma and how to help with that?

Or I feel like

They do train on trauma, but I don't feel like it's realistic to what life looks like. So yeah, there's a ton of training on TBRI and different activities like that. But they put these kids in your home with no physicians, no doctors that you know to put at. They don't tell you which therapist to go to. I don't know how you navigate that when you don't work in the healthcare field. The only reason I was able to na navigate it was

point I know people. Yeah. And reaching out and being like, This is what I'm looking for. I need somebody that takes Medicaid. I need somebody that can get in quickly. I need a dentist. I need everything. Yeah. I feel like nobody wants to take Medicaid. I mean and I and I get it. I mean, my wife's a dental hygienist. And so I mean, most of the offices that she's worked at over the years, they're not interested in taking Medicaid because it is such a hassle. And even on that, if they could just

Me in the right direction. I think I would have had a better experience. Yeah. But it's moving the kids from out of town too. Because neither of them lived in town and their doctors were over an hour to an hour and a half away. Yeah. Were the girls together? They were. Okay. Yeah, but they were still over an hour and a half away. Right. So it was just redoing all of their medical stuff. I didn't know how to fill out med logs when I first started. I kind of just made those up as I went. There was training on it.

Yeah. I don't know if I paid attention during that part. because You're thrown a lot of information. Yeah, you're drinking from a fire hose. Yeah. it's definitely a learning curve. When you get your first placement, it's a learning curve. But we were weirdly lucky. Our social worker was extremely hands on. that's good. So we had a really great experience with her. I could call her and be like, Hey, this is what I'm going through. What do I do? Yeah.

And she would be like, Okay, do you want me to come over? wow. And so we we were very spoiled. For sure. Yeah, because that's I mean, that's not everybody. Yeah, that's for sure. Hmm. how long do you think it took to kind of one so he's there for a month, the girls come. How long do you think it took to establish kind of a rhythm of what life looks like? So we had four kids at four different schools.

my gosh. And so pickups and drop offs at school were like awful. I was barely making it every day to get all four of to four different schools. Yeah. So it took me at least I'd say a month or two to get everything settled in, figured out. at this time nobody was doing sports or anything, so it was pretty easy in the beginning. I think our schedules are actually more hectic now. Yeah. Yeah.

And so talk to us a little bit about just the generic being licensed part, right? You you talked about the med forms. What's a med form? So the medication logs are due monthly. Mm-hmm. You have to fill out a log per medication. Yeah. So I don't care if it's a Tylenol that you give your kid because they have a headache, I have to report that. Yep. If it's prescription medication, I have to make sure it's filled out completely. I have to have doctor's orders before I can give those meds to them. Yeah.

And so it's just making sure that every physical thing, even if it's a Zurtec, that is documented. Yeah. Document, document, document. Yes. Scrape on your knee. Document. Yeah. Then there's other stuff. So what's something else they have to fill out? We have to do behavior logs. Yeah. And so coming out of an RTC, you're a higher level. Yeah. So your visits are more frequent, your behavior logs are more frequent. There's a lot of

paperwork that you have to do w along with that. Like I had to report daily on his behaviors and his how he was feeling. And it was so weird to write down all good every day. And so I really was probably a terrible person for doing it, but I would just write all good on almost every sheet because it's just crazy the amount of documenting you have to do. sure. Yeah. Yeah. They you know the state is

They're they're trying real hard to make sure that the folks that they give kids to are safe and stable and things like that. And you know, sadly, you know, there's a there's a reason why everybody why the you know all the warning labels, right? There's a reason why those warning labels are on there. It's usually because somebody did something they weren't supposed to do. That's kind of the funny thing about getting licensed with teens that's a little different. Is we all know like the laundry soap and stuff needs to be put up out of reach.

My kids are taller than me. So if I put it out of reach, I'm not reaching. I'm gonna have to get them to pull it down. just silly things like that that you don't think of that are on the rules, like having locks and stuff on the doors and making sure like we have a lock on our cabinet for our chemicals. Yeah. Medications have to be locked up. So I can't tell a normal teenager, go take a Tylenol when you have a headache. No, I have to go get that and hand that to them. Yeah. Yeah.

So just funny things like that. yeah. You talk about funny things. Like I had my two boys that were one and three and I had to create an evacuation map. And then I had to mount it down low where the one year old could read it. And it was like, Are you serious? The fire drills are my favorite part. Right, yeah. So you do have to do a fire drill every like six months, I think. Yeah. And we had to also call the

the fire marshal out to the house to check like your carbon monoxide, your fire everything, but they came out in the truck. They came out in the full on truck. So you know all of our neighbors are coming outside to see my god, going on? That was that was funny. It was really fun. Yeah, it's cool.

so let's talk about

The teenagers aspect. So what do you think what do you think that you have like learned from the experience of having teenagers that have that have been in foster care?

I think the biggest thing we learned are teenagers are teenagers. It doesn't matter if they come from foster care or not. Yeah. They're gonna have attitudes. Yep. They're gonna be mean. They're gonna hurt your feelings, I promise you that. they're they're fun, they're different, they're

Everyone's experience is completely different. the biggest thing I think I've learned though is everybody just wants to be normal. Yeah. And they want to be treated normal. And I feel like that's the biggest thing I see in foster care is we don't treat them normal. Yeah. And so I've made it a mission, my husband's made it a mission, that if their friends come over to stay the night, we put up the foster care stuff. Yeah. We have their pictures on our wall. Yeah.

So they're in our family photos. Yeah. So you're not walking into this house thinking, Who are these kids and why are their photos not up? Right. Where why why does your family have family photos that you're not in? we've made it very, very clear, like we get some weird looks 'cause obviously our kids don't always fit, but I don't explain it. I let people sit in the awkward. You can tell they have that question, but you're not gonna answer it. Right. So I think that's the biggest thing with teens is

You might have some embarrassment at times 'cause they're teenagers. They might be mean, but it has nothing to do with their foster care background. Yeah. They are just regular teenagers. Yeah. They've just been through a really rough situation. And I think by the time they get to teenagers and foster care, they just wanna hang out with their friends and they just wanna go places and they wanna have sleepovers and they just wanna do things that everyone else does. Yeah, sure.

What do you what are the how are they different, do you think people is assume, which I kinda I think you kinda answered that, but do you have anything to add to that? I think people just assume that when you get foster kids that they are gonna be more shut down or they're gonna have more behaviors or I think people mistake normal teen behaviors for bad behaviors because of foster care because it doesn't teens are teens.

Just like toddlers are gonna be toddlers. You can't say it's just because of their foster care experience. It's just who they are as kids. Yeah. And I think that's the biggest thing is we overreport as foster parents because you're told report everything, report behaviors. But where does that build the trust for the kids? If every time their social worker comes over and they throw an attitude that I'm throwing them under the bus. Right. So I feel like that's a big thing that we saw in

It was really important for my son to build trust with him because of his RTC experience. Sure. I feel like the first time I yelled at him for failing a class, he cried. And I was like, What did I do? Yeah. I didn't think I was that mean. And it was more that fear that, my gosh, are they gonna send me back? Are they gonna not want me? Right. And I feel like that's what we experienced more than anything was fear.

Mistaken as behaviors.

Yeah.

Love that. Fear and mistaken as behaviors. Yeah. Yeah. We wow. Yeah. What do they what do you think they're most hungry for, like emotionally?

I would say they're all different. So I would say our oldest one, he wanted friends. Yeah. He was so desperate to find his group and where he fit in in this world and what he wanted to do. So for him it was really big when he got into boxing. So he started finding confidence in boxing and sure. Finding his friend group in boxing. And so for him it was just learning who he is. And I think we're still on that journey. I don't think we're anywhere near the end of that.

But I feel like he's learning who he wants to be when he grows up and who he wants to be as a man. Because you're asked the same questions in foster care. Every time the social worker comes, what do you want to do when you grow up? What are you this? And they're kind of become robotic. The answers become the same answers. Yeah. So with him it was finding his friend group. I think for our youngest daughter, for her, her biggest thing is

What does a family look like? What is a stable family I'm she had never had a mom. Right. So it was figuring out who am I? What do I believe? Yeah. And how do I make it in this teenage world? 'Cause starting in middle school is hard. Especially being brand new. Yeah. Mm.

what mistakes do you think adults make with teens in foster care? I feel like I had a lot of prejudgments. And

Because of my training, because of the TBRI and learning all this, I feel like some parts of me came in too clinical on some of the stuff. Like, they should be doing this and they should be feeling that. They're humans. Yeah. They're not robots. Yeah. I think that's the biggest thing I had to learn is, yes, you can follow all the rules that they give you, but that's not what they need. They need realness. They need to know when they're in trouble. They need to know what's right and wrong. Yeah.

And they have to also learn that in the system I feel like they're very controlled. Yeah. So who do you wanna be when you grow up? Not who everybody else is telling you. Yeah. Yeah. I feel like there's a lot of that. So that's some having some agency. Yeah. Yeah. Let them make their own decisions. Yeah. That was my biggest pet peeve when the social worker would come over. Don't talk to me about how he's doing, go talk to him. Yeah. How am I supposed to

Clarify his feelings when I'm not the one feeling How am I supposed to answer for him when it's not my feelings or for her? Yeah. If she made that mistake, let her answer. Yeah. And I think that was really hard for our kids in the beginning 'cause they would look at us for everything. Look at us to order their food at the restaurant. Or they would look at us to figure stuff out. And I'm like, You gotta figure things out on your own. You gotta make your mistakes, you gotta make your own friends, I can't do it all for ya. Yeah.

How how important do you think it is just showing up consistently for them? I think it's extremely important. And this is something kind of we learned with their sports. So our kids were never really in sports. really weren't allowed in the previous home. Right. And so because it takes time, it takes money, it takes things that most people don't have. So our thing was

And sometimes we go a little overboard with our kids. So if they say, I wanna wrestle, I will find every single wrestling club that's out there. I'll make sure they go to every wrestling camp that we try to give them everything and beyond and make sure they've got everything they need. I show up to their wrestling camps or the boxing fights. I don't care if I've had four hours of sleep or not. It's really showing that they're individual people, that you're there to support them, that

Even with birthday parties. Like making sure we didn't even know our kids very long before we had all three of the birthday parties coming up. Yeah. And it was just making sure that people were there. They didn't have that friend group yet. So we brought our own friends to the party and made sure they're there. They just want somebody that they know is gonna keep showing up even when they're mean. Yeah. When they're being teenagers, when things are hard. 'Cause it's gonna get hard at some point. No doubt. You have to keep showing up and

They're not proving anything to you, you're proving to them that you're gonna stay. Yeah. And that's kind of rare in foster care that you are willing to fight through things. Yeah, willing to stay. Because they've been reinforced over and over and over and over and over that people don't stay. Yeah. And it's just they're so wounded and so guarded that

It takes a lot of work of consistently showing up in order for them to really begin to believe that you're gonna stay. Yeah. This is was a weird experience. So we took my son to his first day of school at middle school at the time. And I think he called me twelve times from the school that day. You're gonna pick me up, right? You're gonna come. you'll be there. Well, where do I meet you? I'm like, I don't know.

I will be outside. I will find you in the crowd. Yeah. I don't know where I'm gonna be because I've never been to this middle school before, but I'll find you. Yeah. And then like ten minutes later, hey, I'm just double checking you'll be there tonight. And that was the biggest shock, like, yes, I'll be there. Yeah, you don't have to keep calling. I'll be there, I promise. And I didn't really connect in the beginning. I was like, well, that was an odd conversation. But then I kind of started to realize.

Maybe he really didn't think I was gonna be there to pick him up. Mm. So just consistency is key. Yeah, for sure. So if someone's if someone's thinking about fostering and they're they're thinking about teenagers, what do you what do you tell I would tell them it's good and bad. There's a lot of benefits to it. You're not every day is not gonna be perfect. Yeah. Please don't go into it with rainbows and sunshine and think everything's gonna be great. Yeah.

They're humans like everybody else. but man, when you have those fun days, they're really fun. And doing things that they've never tried before, doing or getting into seeing make their first catch or wrestling for the first time or doing a sport for there is so much rewarding things in the small things that it's the overall picture when you're looking at it was like, Wow, this has been really great. Yeah. And I think the best thing about having teens

If you have other kids, was watching my son, who is an only child, get to have big brothers and sisters. Yeah. And watching them do stupid TikTok dances and fight over who did what chore and just get a normal childhood experience that I don't think he would have had otherwise. Yeah.

Love that. So you guys, you guys have adopted. We have. And so what was the road leading up to? I mean, I know that you'd said it was that was the end goal from the beginning was to was to adopt, right? what was that journey like to get to court? I think your hand gestures say it all.

So technically by law, after six months you're able to adopt. Right. I don't know about you guys, but I am not ready to make that decision after six months. Sure. I don't even know you well enough to make that decision. It's like asking you to marry somebody that you barely know. Yeah. So it's a huge journey. And I can't ask kids I can't ask to adopt kids without their consent on the adoption. Yeah. And it's ten times harder with teenagers. I'm not

Adopting kids that don't remember their parents. I'm not adopting kids that don't have family members that they still communicate. it's a different experience and you have to get their input on it. Yeah, sure. So we had growing pains along the way. I promise you, this was not an easy road. But yet again, it's just consistency. So we've been on this journey and it took us about two years total to get to adoption. Sure. And it was

Really working through more of the issues that they had gotten in foster care and learning to be normal kids again and learning to have a normal life. And that's when we finally got to the point that we were ready to adopt. So we put in our paperwork and they came over and explained to us kind of how the process worked, what it looked like afterwards. We had a lawyer here in town. Bill Hamker helped us. Yeah, he does a lot.

And he was so amazing and Lori, his receptionist, was great help. they walked us through the journey, they showed up on adoption day. I think we had probably twenty, maybe thirty people in the room on adoption day. And so the Bill asked, which one of you guys are gonna be talking? I'm like, Not me. Nope, he can do it. I know I'm gonna end up crying in here. So he's gonna be the main speaker.

And put that on my husband to do. Mm-hmm. And so we did the adoption. It took about five minutes. It was the quickest, easiest process. I expected it to be this big thing and it really wasn't. Yeah, it's almost a formality. I mean it has to go before a judge. But if you've gotten to that point, all the boxes have been checked. Yeah. Yeah. And it was cool to see these social workers that have been with them for years.

come and be all the experience with them 'cause they they finished out with the same social worker that brought them into the system and has been with them all those years. That's that's incredible. It was very rewarding to have these people surrounding. My family came in. I had my dad fly in from Michigan. We just had a crazy amount of support in this. And it was the courtroom was all ours that day. We were the only ones up there and so quick in and out process and it like

Almost feels like that was it. Yeah. So you have this huge lead up to well that was easy. Yeah. Mm.

Do you guys celebrate adoption day? We haven't had our first year yet. okay. We will not. No. No. so our kids have never been foster kids. They've never been treated like foster kids. We did not call them that. They called us mom and dad, I think, literally maybe sixty days in. It was way quicker than I expected. And so, no, they've always been ours. Yeah. I guess maybe we should celebrate it, but

Why they've always been ours. Right. Mm. No, I think different people decide differently. You know what I mean? and so I think I think everybody does things kind of their own way. So I feel like ours was more we just didn't tell anyone, so it never was this big thing. Yeah, sure. Mm.

So how has this process changed you? I feel like I'm completely different than when I started the process. Fair. I feel like I've aged a hundred years of during the process. your life completely changes. Yeah. You have somebody in your home every month that's in your home inspecting it. You stay a lot cleaner, I promise you that.

It just it's a different experience. Now I have new kids in my home and they live there and even just the shape of our day is different. We had a lot of downtime in our day and it was pretty quiet in our house because it was just usually me and my son at the house. If my husband was at work, so our house was pretty quiet. It's not quiet anymore. Yeah, no doubt. Just slight changes, but changes for the better. Yeah.

Mm.

What do think the hardest part of this whole journey has been?

I feel like the hardest part for me personally was learning different personalities and what they need. So I am very northern. I am very to the point. You're never gonna guess what I'm thinking. Yeah. Because I'm just gonna tell you. Yeah. And so I guess it kinda comes off harsh in the beginning. Can and so that was the learning curve and

I have a daughter that is a hugger. She loves to touch your hair, hug you, hold you. And I'm like the furthest thing from. And so that was a big thing with us was like learning each other's boundaries. Sure. And so now we have it like set up where they're like always trying to come hug me, and I'm like, Okay, you got ten seconds. Give me a quick one. And then we can move on. Yeah. And so it just you change who you are, you change your lifestyle.

I don't think I've ever prayed more in my life. Sure during this process. Yeah. Because it was so hard. Yeah. But looking back it feels like it was so easy. And I know that's crazy to say, but once you finish it and you see the light at the end of the tunnel and no more social workers in the home or anything like that. Yeah. You're like, Whoa, this is great. Yeah. Yeah. Breathe a little bit and and not be super

stressed out and worried who's gonna come over at the drop of a hat and you know, gotta make sure there's no dishes on in the sink or whatever. Yeah. So what do you think foster care has taught you about yourself? It has definitely taught me that I need to be more flexible. So I'm pretty stringent on a schedule. I like my schedule, I like it done the way it is.

The kids hate my schedule. I have a calendar on the wall that if it isn't on the on the calendar, it does not exist and it's not getting done. Yep. So that doesn't work. So we've had to learn to be a little bit more flexible at times, but I also had to be more strict as a parent. So if we make a mess, we clean our mess. Sure. When there's five of us now, that mess adds up pretty quickly. For sure. So just learning

To set boundaries for myself, set household rules, especially with teenagers. I had no idea what rules to give Sometimes even with punishments, I'm like, I don't know what I'm supposed to do here. Yeah. So just figuring it out one day at a time. Yeah. How's it changed your marriage? I think this was if you are not stable in a marriage, do not do foster care. Exactly. It is everything.

There's so many times we had a tag off. Especially when one kid is being really bad or you growing through behaviors or psych issues or anything like that, you have to tag off mentally. Yeah. So we would look at each other and be like, You're gonna have to handle this. Yeah. I need a break. Yeah. And so you really do need to rely on each other for everything. And so you you have to be strong or else it will take your marriage down. Because looking back, we're like

How did we do this? This is this is wild, but honestly it's made us ten times stronger. Sure. it's helped us learn to communicate better. It's helped us learn to parent together because we didn't have to come to make decisions when we have one. Yeah. It wasn't the end of the world if we did something. It's a little different when there's more. Yeah, for sure. How do you how do you think it's changed your faith? I think it's definitely challenged my faith along the way. Yeah.

There's I'm just being as honest as I can with this. There is going to be tough times. And I kept thinking to myself, You told me to do this. Why is it so hard? Right. It should be all rainbows and butterflies, but it's not. So I feel like I've been really tested along the way. But my prayer life has never been better. Right. Because you don't have a choice. When things get hard, you either pray or you're gonna fall apart. Yeah.

Mm. Wow.

So what is what is the like the favorite family tradition that you guys do? it's like this is kinda who we are. What do you think?

I think something that's really grown on us is we do the snowboarding trips every year. And so we pick a mountain. It doesn't have to be anywhere big, even if it's just Sipapu that's a couple hours away. Yeah. And then we'll go up there and go spend a day or two snowboarding.

Mm. So they've all connected on that because they've all gotten really good at snowboarding. I still can't get off the bunny head. So I think that's our biggest connecting factor. what's really important to us also during this journey was making sure family dinners. Mm-hmm. Just that one point in the day to kind of meet. Mm-hmm. And with the kids too, when they came in, they were used to praying with dinner.

And that wasn't something we did before. Yeah. And so they kinda started that tradition for us. And then we have another weird tradition. So with Christmas, instead of doing this huge gifts on Christmas of things that they're never gonna want again. Right, we let them pick out one activity that they wanna do. And it can be anything. So my youngest, we flew out to Cleveland, Ohio to go ahead and take him to a football game.

the oldest two wanted to go to an NBA young boy concert. So I drove out to Oklahoma City, walked them to the door, let them go to the concert, and then met them back at the door after the concert. And so they all get a pick I'd rather have memories than things. Yeah. And so we made it a mission. Yeah, we still open presents on Christmas. It's just I'd rather you have those memories at the end of the day. Yeah. Then the things that you might not need. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

That's really that's really cool. What is one thing that your kids do that just always makes you smile?

Hm. It's it's different for each kid. Yeah. It's it's completely different. So the youngest two, it's their connection. Mm-hmm. It is you could not tell me they were not born as brother and sister. Yeah. They fight like brother and sister. They do their little dances together. They will die on that hill to protect each other. And so their connection is just one thing that makes me smile because

They're so intertwined it's ridiculous. Yeah. And I feel like with my son, my oldest son, I feel like when I just get that little nugget out of him, he doesn't give you much. But every once in a while he'll come out with something, or he'll come and talk to you randomly or you don't get much out of the teenagers. But once every once in a while he'll surprise you and come sit on the couch and watch a movie with you. Yeah. You gotta take the small things there. Sure, sure, sure.

Okay, so final question. If someone listening today has been thinking about fostering but they're scared, talk to them. I feel like the biggest thing is stop waiting for the perfect time. Your home doesn't have to be perfect, your finances don't have to be perfect, life does not have to be perfect. I would say if you're thinking about it, I'd rather you do it. And maybe it's not the right decision for you.

But at least you can say you tried. Yeah. but it's not as scary as it seems. Yeah. It's a lot of jumping through hoops and doing it, but at the end of the day, the reward that you get from it is worth it. Mm. Mm. That's awesome. Well, Miranda, thank you so much for sharing today for coming. And you know, it's kind of a little apprehensive thing. Come sit in this office and talk about this stuff. but

I love that you're that you're just open and and kind of genuine and talking about your experiences and I really appreciate that. Yeah, absolutely. Thank you for having me. Yeah, for sure. For sure.

Well guys, thank you so much for tuning in today. make sure to catch us on the next on next Tuesday when we drop our next episode. It's gonna be really, really good. I'm excited for that.

If you have HVAC issues, definitely call Toby over at HVAC MD. Good friend. Does great work and and like I said, he's a great supporter for us. So thanks so much for tuning in and we'll catch you next week.